


Empath

by Caelestria



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Background JJP, Blow Jobs, Dating, Drinking Games, Fluff, Friendship/Love, Hand Jobs, High School, Humor, M/M, Masturbation, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-23 00:48:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 131,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13178799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caelestria/pseuds/Caelestria
Summary: High school is high school, but Jackson as to endure it as an empath. Innately receiving the emotions of those around him, he notices Mark, and he can’t stop noticing. Mark is on the quiet side, but Jackson can see beyond that to the subtle colors of his personality. He’s attracted in an instant.





	1. Friends

Jackson Wang: Empath

It was not much of a superpower or even something to brag about, but it was a big enough part of Jackson’s life that he had experienced trauma because of it. Well, that trauma being the emotions of his entire middle school class—mid-puberty slash tween life crises—reflected into his own psyche. See, Jackson had the peculiar innate sense to pick up on others’ emotions. Simply put, when someone in his proximity was happy, he felt happy; when someone was sad, he felt sad. It was often easy to confuse others’ emotions for his own. Thus, middle school was horrible, to say the least. After he was sent to detention for punching a classmate during lunch, he began seeing a therapist for anger management issues. Of course, it was never really _his_ anger.

It got better in high school. There were fewer intense rushes of emotion and mood swings. Even when there were, Jackson counted backwards in sevens and leveled his breathing to calm down like his therapist suggested. Things improved, and Jackson coped. Today, he would personally say that he was a very well adjusted seventeen-year old. He learned to reign in his and others’ emotions. He learned to direct his flow of blood elsewhere when a random boner popped up—god, he swore teenagers were just horny animals, and the girls in his class were the worst, not having to deal with public repercussions for their arousal. But most importantly, he learned to use his ability to his advantage, gaining favor among his classmates by knowing when his hyperactivity was needed to lighten the mood.

However. And everything always seems to get worse after this imposing word. There was one emotion—one person, more specifically—that he could never get used to. 

“Jaebum-ie,” Jackson whined, clattering down next to his friend at their lunch table. “I don’t know what to do!”

“Sitting down quietly would be a good way to start,” Mr. Park said crossly, hitting Jackson atop the head with a book as he passed during his cafeteria rounds. Jackson wasn’t even sure if teachers were supposed to be doling these kinds of punishments anymore, but he could tell that Mr. Park was anything but malicious so he took the treatment with adoration. He did like kissing up to Mr. Park on occasion; it was adorable to watch a twenty-some year old cover his laugh in embarrassment as his eye wrinkles gave his joy away. It also helped him get away with reading less than the required pages on the days practice ran late.

But his and Jaebum’s reactions were totally different regarding their young teacher. Jackson watched with mild distaste as Jaebum drooled over Mr. Park’s receding form. He felt Jaebum’s emotions turn a warm red.

“Stop ogling him, man. You’re creeping me out.”

“Dude, Jinyoung’s ass looks so fucking good in those khakis. It’s unreal,” Jaebum breathed in awe.

“I don’t think you’re supposed to call teachers by their first name.”

“He’s a _student_ teacher and we’re _students_ , so I rule it’s okay. Besides, he’s only a few years older than us. Once we graduate this summer, he’s totally fair game.”

Jackson rolled his eyes. “You’re disgusting.”

“Shut up,” Jaebum said, stuffing his mouth with the questionable fried chicken sandwich he bought from the school cafeteria. “So what did you want?”

“Okay, so there’s this guy, and I don’t know what to do about him. I have like four classes with him and his aura is so…so overwhelming that I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“His aura,” Jaebum deadpanned. “Since when did you swing that way?”

“I don’t! I mean, I guess I do…but that’s not what I’m saying! I barely know the guy. How could I like him?”

“So…love at first sight?” Jaebum offered. His gaze shifted to rake over Jinyoung’s backside. “’Cause I’m definitely feeling that right now.”

“I know,” Jackson gritted out. “Your emotions are freaking me out right now.”

“Is that what you’re feeling from that guy?” Jaebum turned back, and his testosterone levels settled as he looked at his friend. “His emotions are weird to you?”

“Yeah but not your kind of weird. He isn’t a pervert.”

“I’m not either!”

“But I don’t feel particularly happy seeing him. He’s just…always so calm or, like, lonely. But it’s such an oppressive emptiness that I don’t know what to feel either. Everyday, I have to see him and everything just turns gray. Then I can’t even get happy if I wanted to.”

“Well, why don’t you go talk to him?” Jaebum suggested, sipping at his strawberry milk. A sense of pleasantness blanketed the air around Jaebum. “Make him un-lonely.”

That was initially what attracted Jackson to Jaebum. Despite his cold outer appearance, Jaebum’s emotions were…kind. Sure, Jackson had met few that were easier to anger, but the way Jaebum treated the things he loved was incredibly precious. Jackson could still recall the warmth of Jaebum’s emotions when he took him to his house for the first time introduced each of his cats. Jackson enjoyed it when even a sliver of that emotion was directed at him, as it was now when Jaebum seemed genuinely concerned for Jackson’s wellbeing.

“What’s his name anyway?” Jaebum asked. “Do I know him?”

“He’s that transfer kid in our chemistry class who came at the start of the quarter.”

“The skinny kid?”

“Yeah, Mark Tuan.”

 

Lunch divided Jackson’s consecutive series of classes with Mark. Now that the bell had rung, thus began the next 50-odd minutes without escape from the fog of Mark’s emotions. Only, today was even worse. Today was the due date for a major individual presentation in their English class. Everyone’s nerves were on fire, and Jackson suffered the bulk of it, all of the apprehension adding up in his stomach, butterflies transforming into massive, winged pterodactyls. He wanted to throw up. 

Jackson rested his forehead on the cool surface of his desk. As soon as he began to grip some semblance of peace, a paper landed on his folded arms, shocking him out of his meditation. He jumped up then groaned at the sight of the worksheet before him. 

_Take 5_ different _notes on each presentation. Use complete sentences._

How can notes be sentences? This whole project was a sham. Jackson wrestled a pencil out of his backpack then sat back. He waited for the teacher to pick a name at random.

“Mark Tuan.”

Jackson jolted as a massive spike of anxiety crashed into his gut. He felt sweat bead at his forehead. Like a dying man, he gazed back at the student who had stood up across the room, with a plea on his lips. Jackson studied his face with boiling confusion. The guy’s pretty pale face was completely passive. There wasn’t a lick of expression to give away his intense nervousness. 

As Mark passed him in the aisle to approach the front of the room, Jackson reached out to grab his hand. He almost couldn’t help it. He choked down the shock Mark felt at being yanked suddenly. He released the hand as if burned.

“Good luck,” Jackson said. It came out as more of a groan, however, because his stomach really did not feel well.

Mark nodded to him with a furrow of confusion between his thick brows, as they had never even spoken before. Yet, that gesture did seem to ease the anxiety, and Jackson smiled that his effort was not wasted. Mark tugged nervously at the sleeves of his uniform button-down, but when he began his presentation, it was with a different air about him. It was no longer the nauseous dread of before, but a softer jitter than animated his otherwise quiet words. 

Jackson actually felt engaged in a class presentation for the first time maybe ever. It wasn’t just the perverse part of his brain directing him to Mark’s mouth whenever he would lick or bite at his lips between slides. He focused on Mark’s calmer emotions and was able to strip away the rest of the class from his mind. There, in this safe place, he actively listened to the analysis Mark gave on the significance of identity in _The Awakening_ with a new sense of enlightenment. 

The class gave weary claps after Mark finished, but Jackson smacked his palms together with a newfound enthusiasm. Mark met his eyes across the way but swiftly hid his eyes under his bangs. When he went back to his seat, he took the long way to avoid Jackson’s reach.

The following minutes passed excruciatingly slowly. Jackson found his attention drawing back to Mark’s steadier mindset. Compared to the turmoil in the rest of the class, Mark was an oasis. Now that he was done, there was only mild worry—perhaps over his final grade—and that same loneliness from before. 

Eventually, finally, the last presentation of the day ended and relief flooded the classroom. Jackson almost sighed aloud. There were a couple more minutes to spare before the bell, not enough to begin the next student. The teacher was saying something about how they should get their presentations up faster so that he could move down the list faster. However, no one was really listening. People were packing up, stretching stiff limbs, and milling toward the door.

Jackson felt a hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong? You look sick.”

Jackson groaned in response before lifting his head to look at Jooheon’s form towering over him. Despite not being able to hang out much anymore due to conflicting schedules, they shared a certain connection that Jackson hoped was impossible to break. For now, though, their jokes remained in the confines of the classroom.

“I’m just jolly.”

“Seriously, what’s the matter?” 

Jackson just managed to snatch his papers off his desk before Jooheon plopped himself right down, equally as uncaring of Jackson’s personal space as he was of his. Queasy, Jackson slowly shoved the papers into his backpack then laid his head on Jooheon’s lap with a heavy breath. He grumbled a little so that Jooheon would start petting his head before he deemed it time to respond.

“It’s these presentations. Seeing other people nervous makes me nervous too,” Jackson skated around the true reason. There was only one other person outside of family who knew about his strange condition and that was Jaebum. “Then I feel sick. I can’t stand it.”

At his words, Jackson felt a twinge of disappointment lowering the corners of his mouth. He glanced around from where he lay, wondering where it had come from. It felt unfamiliar enough for him to not immediately recognize who it came from. 

“Well, just two more days of this. At least you didn’t have to go today.”

“I think I’d rather,” Jackson grumbled. “Then I can skip the rest of the days.”

Jinyoung had suggested a penalty to the teacher. If a student failed to be present the moment his or her name was called, then he or she will promptly receive a zero, omitting legitimate reasons for absence, such as breaking a limb or a death in the family. Not to mention, the damned note-taking worksheet. Jackson swore that Jinyoung was stricter than their actual teacher. 

“Shit, man. You’re seriously no fun when you’re like this. Maybe you should go to the nurse. You look like you’re gonna puke.”

 

Thankfully, Jackson made it to his next class without spilling his guts. It was his elective period and blissfully free of stressed students and a certain oppressive presence. Jackson didn’t know what Mark had seventh period, as it was the one class they did not share. 

Jackson rushed down the steps to the gym, greeting several people along the way. He changed out and headed for the weight room off the hallway to the main court. As soon as he opened the door, he was knocked back by the smell of sweat and teenage boys. However, as sight is often a better sensory faculty than scent, likewise Jackson’s empathy skill was generally more affected than his sense of smell. As such, he didn’t even mind the stench due to the tranquility in the place. It was a floor beneath the main bustle of classes and work, far enough to cut out the static of hundreds of students and teachers. Plus, the students here were so focused on the task at hand that it filled Jackson with a shared determination, frankly a much-needed reprieve from the received anxiety setting his nerves on fire.

 

“How was class?” Jaebum asked as he saw Jackson approaching through the crowd of students racing home. “Did you talk to that guy yet?”

“Sort of,” Jackson shrugged. They wove through the clusters of students standing around the parking lot. “I wished him luck before he had to present.”

“See, there you go, already building a rapport.”

“Where did you learn a word like that?” Jackson asked, lifting his eyebrows.

“You know Jinyoung is an English major?”

“Well, yeah, he’s the student teacher of our Lit class.”

“I’ve been reading a lot recently.”

Jackson didn’t even want to respond as he got into the passenger seat of Jaebum’s car. He rolled his eyes instead and hoped Jaebum would notice. The shove to his shoulder told him Jaebum did.

“Don’t forget tryouts are next week,” Jaebum reminded as he started the car.

“I know. My dad would kick my ass if I didn’t go.”

 

 

As Jackson walked out of the cafeteria the next day, he spotted Mark walking beside this underclassman kid with a round face and a loud laugh. He believed his name to be Youngjae or something like that. He didn’t know much about him other than the fact that he’s always walking around with a game console. Unconsciously, he began wondering if they were friends, what they talked about, and if they hung out after school. He nearly walked into a random girl crossing his path while he was lost in his thoughts. With a quick apology, he raced to English class. 

Only, when he arrived, he remembered why he had been dallying outside in the first place. The air was overripe with tension like fallen fruit boiling under the summer sun, too heavy to be supported and bruised beyond edibility. Although a third of the class was already done, the remaining students suffered under the imminent possibility of their name being called, now that the odds were better—or worse, rather, in their cases.

Jackson had his head on the table, beads of sweat dripping from his temples, when the bell rang. The teacher immediately got to business, claiming they were on limited time. His finger stopped at a name and his voice belted out “Jackson Wang.”

Jackson lifted his head in surprise, looking more like an ambushed ferret than anything. As he stood on shaking legs, several students laughed at the red table mark imprinted onto his forehead. He turned back around with a grin plastered on his face; the mood was turning. He pulled up his PowerPoint from his Drive and began.

The process was relatively painless. Jackson himself was confident enough about his work, and he cracked a few jokes to lighten the mood of the room. Against the light from the projector, it was difficult to make out every single head in the classroom, but he saw Mark in the back, an amused smile twitching the corners of his mouth. Jackson focused in on his emotions, channeling them as he rocketed from slide to slide, finishing his presentation with his usual flair and completely on time.

The class clapped, and Jackson almost tripped on the way back to his desk as the anxiety rocketed to a new high. His ears were buzzing, and his stomach felt awful. He only later realized that the teacher had already called a new name when he saw a girl timidly approach the front of the class. He had known from experience that the girl was incredibly shy. During the few times he had attempted to converse with her, she had gotten so anxious that Jackson himself could hardly utter a word. His jokes left no reaction on her; his hands of friendship were left untouched. Jackson’s social butterfly nature was calmed by the fact that she wasn’t bullied and that she had a couple close girl friends. 

However, at that moment, Jackson wanted nothing more than to escape the prison cell that was this classroom. The air seemed to thicken around him like starch in water. His skin was clammy. His throat was closing up. He felt so jittery that he couldn’t shift his attention elsewhere. It was like hearing a catchy song; the tune replays itself over and over again until you’re driven crazy. Similarly, the waves of nervousness rocked back and forth, back and forth, while Jackson was stuck on a little dinghy feeling seasick.

While the girl was still fumbling with the computer, trying to get her presentation on the screen, Jackson quickly shot his hand into the air. 

“What?” Jinyoung asked, questioning eyes directed solely at him. Jackson’s heart almost stopped beating he was so wound up with fear. 

“Can I go to the nurse?”

“Are you trying to skip now that you don’t have a presentation to do?” he countered.

“N-no, sir. I really feel sick.”

“Okay, then can someone accompany Jackson to make sure he’s going where he’s supposed to?”

Jackson looked around the room desperately, wishing that someone—anyone—would take him out of this suffocating room.

The blonde girl behind Jackson swiftly twittered to attention. “I can!” she said, beaming. “I already presented yesterday.”

Jinyoung considered it briefly. “Hmm…no, um how about in the back? Mark, can you take Jackson?”

Mark looked up from where he was doodling on his worksheet in surprise. “Uh, sure.”

Jackson took the hall pass and bolted out of the room. The door shut behind him before Mark even managed to come out. He leaned against the wall, trying to regain his bearings. The door opened again, exposing a new wave of nerves and Mark.

“Hey, are you okay?” 

“No,” Jackson moaned, eyes closed as he tried to still his emotions.

Without question, Mark grabbed Jackson’s arm and pulled it over his shoulder. “Lean on me until we get there. I don’t want you passing out on me. You look really pale. What’s wrong?”

“Vertigo,” Jackson made up.

“Are we falling somewhere?”

“We’re falling through space as we speak. It’s starting to get to me.” Jackson pretended to swoon against Mark.

Mark’s eyes rolled so hard Jackson thought he was going to get an aneurysm. He pushed Jackson off of him. “You’re totally fine. Walk on your own.”

“No, I feel so weak,” Jackson whined, flinging himself back onto Mark. Mark let him, with a huff, but Jackson felt his emotions bleed from gray to a slight yellow. He melded into those feelings to settle the uneasiness in his gut as they walked together. 

When they arrived at the infirmary, they found the place devoid of people.

“That’s strange,” Jackson commented as they shuffled over to the cots. Mark set Jackson down more gently than he deserved, and Jackson lay down on the bed with a sigh of relief. 

Mark warily sat on the corner of the mat. “I feel like I should wait with you until someone shows up.”

“I’d love the company,” Jackson replied. With Mark there, he had a place to draw his emotions to so that he could relax. When no one was around, it was too easy to get trapped in a cycle of anxiety. Jackson scooted to the right edge of the cot and patted the sliver of space beside him. “Wanna lie down with me?”

“Are you this clingy with all your friends?” Mark asked, eyebrows rising in playful suspicion.

“Only the attractive ones,” Jackson threw back.

“How many of your friends are attractive?”

“All of them.”

Mark laughed, and Jackson’s heart fluttered with echoed excitement. That seemed to break the ice. Mark lay beside Jackson, to his left, sharing the single pillow on the twin-sized cot. Their arms brushed up against each other before Mark finally settled and let them touch completely.

“Sorry. I just enjoy being close to people,” Jackson explained.

“Even though I’m basically a stranger.”

“You’re a classmate. You’re not a stranger. And you seem nice.”

“I’m glad you don’t think I’m an axe murderer.”

“As long as you don’t target 17-year-old boys.”

“Really? I prefer 18-year olds at least.”

“I think not,” Jackson disproved. He grabbed Mark’s hand that lay between them, shocking the latter into silence. He could have held it up as if presenting rotting evidence, but it was Jackson, and he interlocked their fingers. He waved their hands together in front of Mark’s face. “The skin on your hands is so soft. There’s no way you wield an axe every night to chop off heads.”

Jackson let their hands fall back into the divide between them. He loosened his grip, but he didn’t want to let go. Mark made no move to either, which comforted him. There was a warm flush dripping into his system, and he felt so unbelievably comfortable sidled up beside Mark on the cramped cot.

“Hey um,” Mark became a little nervous, and Jackson almost yelled at him to stop, to treasure the moment. But he didn’t. That would be weird. “Why did you wish me luck before I went up yesterday?”

“You’re in most of my classes. I thought I’d reach out to you.”

“You never said anything before that. Listen, after class I-I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I heard you tell that one guy that seeing other people nervous made you feel nauseated. So was that the real reason?”

Suddenly it was back again: that disappointment. Jackson recognized it immediately. He played with it like a flavor on his tongue before locking it into a category in his memory labeled ‘Mark.’ It wasn’t that he wanted to re-experience the emotion later. Some part of him just wanted to be able to know when it was Mark who was feeling sad. He couldn’t explain why.

“Oh, Jooheon? You heard that?”

“Was I bothering you that much?” Mark restated.

Jackson turned to face him, squeezing Mark’s hand tight. Where they had been loosely maintaining connection before, the sudden skin to skin contact made it very apparent the sweat that had condensed from their shared heat. Embarrassed, Mark snatched his hand back, hiding it under his leg to wipe the sweat. Jackson likewise felt embarrassed and did not press it.

“You don’t bother me, I promise,” Jackson stressed sincerely. “I just thought it’d be cool if we could be friends.”

Mark nodded, smiling.


	2. Facades

Despite what Jackson had said, the next week passed without development. Jackson made the team and was now swamped with work from his classes, struggling to receive decent grades so that he wouldn’t get kicked off. He barely had enough time to chat with his closer friends, let alone the new kid who never spoke to him first. 

Mark sat on the opposite side of the room from Jackson in every class, plaguing him even across such a distance. Jackson resisted all of Jaebum’s nudging in Chemistry suggesting pairing up with Mark on an experiment; Jackson insisted that it was too late in the year to change lab partners. In English, they read essays and analyzed satire. Jackson no longer reached out to snatch Mark’s wrist as he passed, and Mark stopped avoiding walking past his desk to hand in his completed worksheets and exams.

Yet, Jackson could not deny the persistence of his gaze on Mark’s back whenever the latter was near. His increased awareness was met with new details—and new jabs from Jaebum. He observed the way Mark would tug at the sleeves of his button-down shirt when he was confronted by other people or would bite ceaselessly at his lips when nervous. He learned that Mark only made a single friend since transferring to their school, Youngjae, the gamer kid. Yet, day after day, he watched as Mark headed to the library every lunch period to eat alone. 

Soon, the week turned into two.

 

Jaebum had to turn something into the office at lunch, so Jackson wandered around the halls alone to clear his head, not wanting to seek out other friends to fill his time. He had a few tests coming up, and he wasn’t sure if he was even going to pass math at this point, which was extremely concerning considering the basketball coach’s hawk-eye gaze on the team’s grades. A drop meant suspension from games, and this was his senior year.

Jackson heard a few warbled voices coming from the bathroom. One in particular sounded angrier than necessary for the men’s room. However, what really caught his attention was the blaring fear slicing sharp through the amalgam of cluttered emotions. 

Jackson slammed the bathroom door open, a scowl already on his face. Rank cigarette smoke filled his nostrils as he peered through the fog at the huddle of guys along the far wall. Jackson frowned; he recognized their backs as those of his teammates. 

“Hey, Andy. What are you doing?” Jackson asked. The slam of the door behind him seemed to startle the three. 

Andy lifted his head to the source of the voice and smiled when he saw the familiar face. 

“Ah, Jackson.”

“I asked what you were doing,” Jackson repeated, warily approaching them. Their large muscled forms blocked the fourth guy behind them, but Jackson already had a sickening apprehension of who it was. The fear echoing through the tiled room as almost too much, making his mouth dry and palms sweat. He felt about ready to faint.

“Nothing at all! We were just hanging out, minding our own business, but then this pretty boy came in here and ruined our fun.” 

Jackson involuntarily clicked his tongue. All that intimidation for someone who had walked in on them smoking?

“You know, the coach won’t be too happy that you’re destroying your lungs.”

“The coach can go fuck himself. The old geezer sounds like he’s been smoking a pack a day since he was twelve.”

Jackson finally drew near enough to see over Andy’s shoulder at boy backed against the wall, glaring at the three of them: brown hair adorning a tiny head atop a skinny body. Jackson sucked in a breath of surprise but choked as smoke entered his trachea. 

“Mark?” he gasped.

Mark’s head turned up, and they made eye contact. He must have not recognized Jackson’s voice because he looked just as surprised to see him. Jackson felt the overpowering relief begging for Jackson to help him. Despite the defiance hardening his facial features, Mark was so soft on the inside, and he was vulnerable. Jackson felt an overwhelming urge to protect him.

“What? You know him?” Andy asked as he glanced between the two.

The forceful veer in Mark’s emotions sent Jackson’s own into chaos, struggling to keep up with the suffocating distress laced with strings of reassurance and weighed by hopelessness. Feeling all of these emotions sucking him deeper into the murk of mire, Jackson’s anger brewed. 

“Yes I fucking know him! He’s my friend, and I know for a fucking fact that he won’t tell. So what the hell were you guys trying to do?” Jackson shouted.

“Oh, sorry dude. I didn’t know. Does that mean he’s chill?”

“Isn’t that what I just fucking said? Or can you not get that through your thick-ass skull?” 

Andy turned then, angered by Jackson’s anger like a typical hothead.

“If he’s as kiss-up goody-two-shoes as you are, then I’d have my doubts,” Andy spat back, rising to full height. “So if you’re even thinking about interfering, then you better step out of this bathroom right fucking now.”

Jackson barely had time to comprehend what he was doing before his fist collided into Andy’s face. The surprise of the punch sent Andy stumbling back into the sink. Jackson felt fury brewing a fiery orange-red, setting the room aflame. It consumed him until that was all he could feel. He acted on animalistic instinct as Andy came tumbling over, dizzy from the punch. Jackson wasn’t even sure of all the moves he made, everything to stay afloat with his head above the water. 

Soon enough, there were arms pulling him back. He tried to elbow his way out, but the grip was strong. Separated from Andy, he felt sounds rushing back into his ears. The two other guys were shouting at them to stop fighting. Someone else was holding Andy back as they grappled for each other like beasts. 

It was then that Jackson felt a bead of worry descend into his whirlpool of anger, a small droplet rippling out in an expanding effect. His rage was disrupted. Jackson calmed down. Standing on his own two feet, he shouldered off his teammate’s grasp. He yelled at the three of them to leave as his mind flashed back to the breathing exercises his therapist taught him. 

He leaned against the sink, palms on the cold surface, as he tried to block out Andy’s anger. When the three had retreated enough out of the room that their emotions were just a dull throb in the back of his mind, he activated the motion sensor sink and ran cold water over his throbbing knuckles. He checked himself in the cheap, warped mirror for any signs of injury. There was a tear in his lip and a red mark staining his cheekbone, but that was about it. He hoped it wouldn’t bruise. His side throbbed, but it was nothing serious. He washed off the blood trailing down his chin. 

Jackson heard shuffling from the side and remembered Mark, his whole reason for engaging in this ordeal in the first place. He looked over, taking in Mark’s torn buttons and disheveled form.

“Hey are you okay?” Jackson asked. However, in doing so, he felt disgust seep through his groaning injuries. It was from Mark.

“You’re friends with those assholes?” 

Jackson leaned back where he was previously going to approach Mark. He wanted to give the other room to breathe, but he felt his fury light up again. If they had made Mark never want to talk to _him_ too…

“Not anymore,” Jackson snarled. The conviction of his response seemed to sate Mark, and the emotion subsided a little. Jackson took a deep breath. “Are you injured in any way?”

Mark shook his head. “Just my pride. Can’t believe they think three against one is fair.” He straightened out his shirt, groaning at the lost buttons. Suddenly, he lifted his head, staring straight at Jackson. “Are _you_ hurt?”

“Don’t worry about me.” Jackson averted his gaze, but he was incredibly conscious of how Mark stepped in closer. “I haven’t done anything like this in a while, but…” He shrugged.

It really had been a while. The last time Jackson had gotten so hopped up on the adrenaline of someone else’s anger had been four years ago in middle school. Since then, he thought that he had learned how to control these emotions. Clearly, he hadn’t.

“But you got into a fight with your friends because of me. If you didn’t run into me, this wouldn’t have happened.” His fingers reached up for Jackson’s split lip, and Jackson’s heart began to race. Only, Mark changed his mind at the last second and let his hand fall back to his side.

“They’re just guys from the team. Sure, we’re close, but if this didn’t happen now, it would’ve happened later. I can’t stand people who bully others.”

“I doubt they’ve done this before. They seemed reluctant in doing anything serious.”

“And you would know?” Jackson raised his brows, observing the quiet male before him.

Mark didn’t answer. “So you should make up with them. It’d be bad for the team as a whole otherwise.”

Jackson felt the familiar loneliness bloom from Mark’s direction. Confused by the shift in mood, he stepped forward, filling the distance between them with a strange static. 

“I don’t need friends like them. I’d rather be your friend. You’re…cooler,” Jackson ended lamely.

Mark nodded subtly, shyly. He removed himself from Jackson’s imposition, stepping back and keeping his head down.

“Thank you, Jackson, for helping me.”

“Yeah, no problem—.” 

“But there’s no need.”

Jackson watched as Mark walked toward the door speechlessly. “Wait, don’t you want to go tell the principal or something?”

Mark looked over his shoulder with a small smile. “I don’t want to get you in trouble too.”

 

The next period, Jackson spied Mark sitting in the corner as usual, a new shirt buttoned to his neck. He wondered if Mark stored an extra shirt in his locker or if he went to the nurse’s office and bought a new one. He really wanted to talk to him, perhaps ask him about it, but he was intercepted by a crowd of classmates who were concerned with what happened to his face. He played it off, saying something ridiculous like he fell down the stairs headfirst. The story became wilder with each person who asked. Soon people were whispering about whether a black bear had really gotten into the school.

Jinyoung was the one to start class today while their English teacher sat behind his computer.

“Good afternoon, everyone. Today,” he began deviously, “I have a new class project for you.”

Everyone groaned, and Jackson found himself frowning as well. 

“I promise it isn’t that bad. You’ll have partners—.” Everyone cheered. “— _But_ I’m picking them.” Everyone carped. “So after I designate partners, I’ll show you the list of books to choose from. If you would like to research a book that I didn’t assign, you must get it approved by me. The project will be due in a month. I expect fantastic presentations. If you need help, you know the office hours and my email.”

Jinyoung went through the list alphabetically. Jackson stared off, wondering whom he was going to get partnered with. Most likely, he was going to get called second since his last name began with a W, so he carefully listened to all the names that went by. 

“Mark Tuan,” Jinyoung called.

Jackson tensed as if it were his own name.

“And Jackson Wang.”

Jackson met Jinyoung’s eyes and nodded to show he understood. Yet, he stared carefully at the subtle smile across Jinyoung’s lips and noted his sense of self-accomplishment. Jackson wondered if Jaebum had something to do with this since he had been so adamant about them interacting. Just how close were those two?

Jackson turned in his seat to glance at Mark, but the latter physically shifted away and pretended to look out the window. The blonde girl behind Jackson thought that he was trying to talk to her, so she leaned forward across her desk.

“Hey, this sucks. I was hoping we’d be partners,” she said, and Jackson detected her genuine disappointment. His eyes briefly wandered, following her movement, to how her ample assets fell across the tabletop, directed at him. He quickly removed his gaze. Somehow, he didn’t think she wanted to be partners for his brain. There was something sleazy about her emotions that made Jackson glad that Mark had taken him to the infirmary that day instead of her. He was thankful for a lot of things from that trip. 

“Yeah, it’s a shame, but good luck with your partner.”

Jackson held no sincerity in his words to her. His mind was elsewhere, walking on rainbows toward endless possibilities. He was strangely giddy to be able to pair up with Mark. His wish for more opportunities to talk to him came true.

 

“I never really asked what they did to you,” Jackson said, flipping around the chair at the desk in front of Mark’s so that they could face each other. They were given ten minutes at the end of class to discuss and formulate a plan of action for their projects.

“Don't worry. You asked enough.”

“And your answer? Did they hit you? Push you? Did they leave any marks? Touch you in weird places?”

Mark snorted at the last one, surprising Jackson with his openness of expression. “No, the only reason my shirt got torn was that the main guy—I don’t know, Andy?—grabbed me by surprise. Otherwise, I’m pretty good at dodging. The arrangement just wasn’t fair..”

“Plus, they’re built like trees.”

“I know. I thought they were on the basketball team.”

“They are.” Jackson saw Mark’s confusion. “I am too… Wait, are you saying I’m _short_?”

“I didn’t say anything,” Mark countered.

“I can see it in your eyes! You’re looking at me thinking _why is this guy on the basketball team? He’s so short. I bet he’s benched the entire game._ ”

“No, I was just thinking that you’re shorter than me. So not _short_ but short _er_ , happy? I didn’t say you have to be tall to play basketball. Now, can we get started?”

Jackson could have gone off for the rest of the ten minutes, but he felt subdued by Mark’s tranquility so he gave it up. He stared at the top of Mark’s head as he researched on his phone for a suitable book to do. His scalp was snow white in the tiny circle from which his hair fanned out over his head.

“What about _Frankenstein_?” Mark suggested, looking up. 

His mild surprise filtered over to Jackson when he caught the latter staring, and Jackson gasped on accident. Jackson cleared his throat and glanced out the window. It was too sunny outside so he looked back inside. 

“We all read that sophomore year. Teach’ is gonna expect something stellar if we do that book.”

Mark stuck his bottom lip out slightly in a pout. Jackson found the little motion unexpectedly adorable. He was often irrationally annoyed when girls pulled that, trying to get him to do something he didn’t want to, like going to karaoke when he had practice afterschool or going to a party when he just wanted to sleep. The guys he knew never pulled faces like that. All in all, this was new. And it was…fascinating.

“ _The Catcher in the Rye_?”

“What’s it about?”

“Uh,” Mark quickly scanned something, “teenage angst and alienation, according to Wikipedia.”

“Sounds like a killer. Is it short?”

“Only 214 pages.”

“Good, let’s get it at the library afterschool today.”

“Ah, um,” Mark shifted his gaze, worrying about something. 

“What is it?” Jackson bit his lip, equally tense.

“Oh, it’s just that my girlfriend wanted to hang out today so I don’t know if I can make it. I guess I could text her and ask to meet up a little later?”

Oh.

He had a girlfriend?

“No, no, don’t do that. You should treat your girlfriend preciously. I can go to the library by myself and check out two copies for the both of us.”

“I couldn’t—.”

“It’s really no trouble. Hey, why don’t you give me your number? I’ll text you if anything goes wrong.”

Jackson pulled his phone out of his pocket and slid it across the table to Mark.

“Wait, are you serious? You had your phone the entire time and you made me look up everything?”

“I like watching you hard at work.”

Mark glared.

“I’m just kidding. I’ll contribute to the actual project. My grade is on the line too, you know.”

Mark rolled his eyes but took Jackson’s phone to fill in his information. He gave Jackson his phone as well. Jackson stared at the white screen, contemplating. Should he give himself a nickname? Should he put in his iconic series of flamboyant emojis? But Mark had a girlfriend…wouldn’t that be a little weird? Wait, what was he even thinking. He’s a guy, his name was clearly masculine, and so that shouldn’t raise any suspicion anyway. 

In the end, Jackson decided on a simple crown emoji by his last name. 

 

“I can’t believe you’re making me stalk someone,” Jaebum said, nervously drumming his fingers on his steering wheel. 

“I know, I know. You’d rather be out courting Jinyoung right now,” Jackson ignored the punch Jaebum sent his way. “But when we were kids, you promised that you would drive me home everyday after school once you got a car, and this is on the way.”

They were piled up behind several cars at a stop sign as Mark walked through the crosswalk to the other side. 

“This is not on the way,” Jaebum huffed. 

Eventually, they inched toward the red octagonal sign and turned right into Mark’s neighborhood. Mark was already a distance ahead and turning onto another street. Jaebum drove closer and waited at the corner stop sign for Mark to continue straight or make another turn. Thankfully, there were no other cars around.

“Seriously, do you want the guy to give you his friendship or a restraining order?”

“I just want to see what kind of girl he’s dating. Clearly, it’s not someone from our school. Otherwise they’d be walking around holding hands, being all lovey dovey.”

“Maybe it’s an illicit relationship. What if it’s an older married woman?”

“When do you find so much time to spend with Jinyoung? And what kind of books are you two reading—?”

“See, even you’re calling him that now. And, besides, I read too, you assh—.”

“Ah, he turned down there! Go! Go!”

Jaebum lifted his foot off the brake and followed Jackson’s instructions, albeit begrudgingly. Eventually, all their efforts were for naught when Mark entered through the security checkpoint of a gated neighborhood.

“It’s probably for the best that his house has security. It’ll keep creeps like you from stalking him,” Jaebum commented when he noticed Jackson was still pouting.

“I was just curious,” Jackson sulked.

“I’d rather not get arrested for your curiosity.”

“Is it so bad that I want to know what kind of girl he likes? Then I can get closer to him. Maybe we have something in common that we can talk about.”

“I think what you want to know more is what they’re doing alone in that empty house in the middle of a work day.”

Jackson frowned at him.

“What? There’s no way they’re not having sex,” Jaebum protested.

“How would you know that?”

“Experience?”

“But he seems so innocent.”

“Those are the worst.”

 

Sure enough, when Jackson stepped into first period the next day, his haze of echoed exhaustion was interrupted by a rather bouncy Mark confronting him. Jackson instantly snapped awake. He unconsciously furrowed his brows as he studied the different emotions coloring Mark that day. Instead of his standard blue-gray, it was a softer sky blue flushed with gold, like sunrise. Instead of forcefully subdued, Mark felt peacefully calm. Mark was almost…cheery.

“Jackson?”

“Ah, sorry, what?” Jackson shook his head from where he had been absentmindedly staring at Mark’s chest, spacing out.

“I was asking if you got the book for me.”

“Oh, right,” Jackson unzipped his bag to retrieve the red-orange novel. “Here.”

“Sorry I had to ditch you like that,” Mark said, taking it gratefully with a cute little bow.

“Nah, I hope you had fun on my behalf while I was out scouring the shelves for two copies of this thing.” That was a lie. Jackson had made an excuse about his stomach hurting to leave class early and find the book before he had to leave with Jaebum on their afterschool mission.

Mark’s ears turned red at the comment, and Jackson felt himself warm up by reflection. Mark was embarrassed by what Jackson said. Jackson thought back to the words he had just uttered. ‘I hope you had fun’?

“Yeah,” Mark laughed unnecessarily. “So um when should we meet up to start our project?”

“I have practice four days a week, so if we can meet this weekend, maybe?”

“Sure, Saturday at ten sound good?”

“Yeah, let’s have the first 50 or so pages read by then.”

 

The rest of the day passed easily enough. Andy ignored him all through practice. Then the next did as well. Mark was never one to initiate a greeting. Jackson always had to wave or yell ‘hi’ first to get a small smile or nod in response. He never minded though; he was contented with Mark’s little flares of surprise whenever Jackson greeted him. Their text conversations were strictly about school, something Jackson couldn’t break out of. Mark took tens of minutes, sometimes hours, to respond, leaving the exchange bland and inconsequential. 

Soon the week came to a close. Friday night, Jackson sat on his bed alone, freshly showered and ready to sleep. His mind started wandering as he scrolled through Instagram, traversing into darker grounds. He found his eyes stalling on the beach photos that were more than revealing, and he realized that it had been far too long since he had relieved himself. 

He lay there for a moment, staring at the ceiling; he wondered what sex would feel like. If everyone else always glowed with that golden aura, would he be the same? He recalled Mark’s emotions. His feelings were stronger just on principle, but that after-sex glow Jackson felt was dimmer. Was it the length of time between when it happened and the first class period? But Jackson could still remember when Jaebum first had sex; for days, he had been skeeved out by how happy Jaebum was. Mark though… Mark had still been fairly lonely beneath it all. Would he always be stained blue under any layering of other colors?

Jackson clicked out of the social media app and into his web browser. He opened an incognito window, typing in the address of a website he knew by heart. The black background loaded up, displaying rows of video previews with explicit content. Jackson tapped on one that looked vaguely interesting. 

It was a teen couple. The girl was a brunette, the guy likewise. The girl was fit; the guy was skinny. As the premise began of inviting a boy over while the parents were away, Jackson slipped his boxers off. He plugged his earbuds in and grabbed his lotion from his nightstand. Holding his phone in his left hand, he slicked up his hardening erection. 

As the couple on screen began to make out, he supposed that he should have picked a video with a more muscular guy so that he could imagine himself in the scene. However, as he began to back out, the slow romantic scene took a twist. The guy picked her up into his arms, demonstrating impressive strength. He carried her up the stairs to her pink bedroom, dumping her on the bed. 

Jackson watched, fascinated, as the guy ravaged her with his tongue. The girl was squirming like he was a god. Somewhere, in the back of his mind, Jackson stopped imagining himself as the guy. He wondered what it would feel like to have someone go down on him. Moaning lowly, he tried to pretend his lubed hand was actually a wet mouth, hot and supple. Following how the actress’s abdomen sporadically flexed at the heights of her pleasure, Jackson began tensing up as well.

Then, as the guy flipped the girl onto her stomach, shoving her head down roughly into the sheets, Jackson realized why he never left for another video. The guy plunged into her, making her cry as all pornstars do. Jackson’s hand flew faster up and down his shaft, mirroring the thrusting on screen. He likewise pressed his face into his pillow to muffle his heavy panting as he got close. 

The guy got close to the girl, kissing down her neck with shapely lips. His narrow nose traced down her skin as he closed his eyes, getting into the moment. They changed up positions a few times, the girl eagerly fell down to her knees to blow him—standard stuff. However, Jackson couldn’t keep his eyes off of the guy who reminded him of Mark Tuan. 

When the guy had the girl on her back, ramming into her so hard that she squirted all across his abs, Jackson found himself ejaculating all over his stomach in mild shock. He hadn’t expected to finish so quickly. He felt the echo of fantasy flutter over his chest as the male suckled at the girl’s nipples, teasing her past her orgasm. Jackson shuddered weakly, a little more dripping out of his cock. 

Confused and disoriented and thoroughly freaked out, Jackson closed out of the tab and threw his phone across the room. It skidded to a stop on the carpet somewhere by his desk. He grabbed some tissues from his nightstand and wiped himself off. He turned off the lamp and threw his covers over his head, not bothering to put his boxers back on. 

He repeated the facts back to himself. The girl squirting is A+, totally hot. That’s why he came, not because he was imagining himself being done by a male in that pornstar’s likeness. Jackson fell asleep troubled.

 

Saturday morning, Jackson awoke to a loud buzzing sound. Startled, he shot straight out of bed. He looked around wildly, but he was asleep when the sound first came and was thus unable to place it. When the sound didn’t come again, Jackson relaxed. He looked down at himself and realized he was nude. The events of last night came flooding back with a jolt of uneasiness. He began feeling guilty for imagining Mark as that nameless guy. 

Suddenly, a second buzz rattled his desk and scared the living hell out of him. Jackson jumped out of his skin with an embarrassing yelp, whipping around to face the source. Looking down, he realized his phone had snuggled up against the wooden leg of his desk, using the structure as a sounding board to reverberate the vibration. 

Jackson bent down to retrieve the device. He saw a few notifications that he must have slept through, but the one on top made his heart do a backflip. It was Mark.

[8:32] Mark Tuan: Bring a swimsuit if you have time  
[8:34] Jackson Wang: Have time?

Jackson clutched his phone, waiting for those three little dots to pop up, but the seconds added up to minutes. He set his phone down on his desktop, remembering Mark’s response time. Jackson had enough time to wash up and put on real clothes—also to find his boxers—before Mark answered.

[8:53] Mark Tuan: If you wanna swim  
[8:53] Jackson Wang: But it’s November  
[8:54] Mark Tuan: Heated pool

Jackson didn’t question it beyond that. He sent back a series of smiley faces then stuffed his swim trunks into his backpack with the book and his laptop. Swimming was a hell of a good way to slip in some exercise if they were going to study all day. After he left Mark’s house, he also had a paper to write before the party Jaebum was taking him to that night. It was hosted by Mayflower, some prestigious art school where the kids wear uniforms with a coat of arms embroidered in. Jackson was friendly with a few people who went there. Yugyeom, one of the best dancers he knew and a total sweetheart, was the one who invited him.

Jackson spent the hour completing homework assignments until it was time to leave. He kissed his parents goodbye and rode his bicycle out of the garage. Mark’s house wasn’t too far—Jackson had mapped the address Mark sent him earlier—so no need to borrow his parents’ car.

The weather was nearing winter. A biting wind whipped across Jackson’s face, turning his nose red. Even in a heavy sweatshirt and jeans, albeit ripped, Jackson could feel the chill. Ten minutes later, Jackson was at the security gate, waiting for the guard to call up the Tuan residence with a different frame of mind. Although it was cold outside, the aerobic exercise had left him breathing a little heavier. He felt sweat roll down his back and winced. Maybe he should have put on more deodorant before heading out. Maybe he should have actually taken up his mother’s offer to use the car. He never liked troubling his parents, but he didn’t want to arrive at Mark’s doorstep reeking of sweat. Jackson slipped his sweatshirt off so that he was only in his black tank top.

The guard waved him forward, opening the gates with the press of a button. Jackson said his thanks and rode forward. The wind was harsher on his sweat-slick skin, but he endured it in the hopes that the air would whisk away the moisture. 

Jackson stood in front of Mark’s doorstep. The place was immense from the outside. All the houses on the street were double-storied, but they towered over him like a triple, hinting at tall ceilings and vast interiors. After pressing the doorbell, he waited for someone to open the door, staring at the intricacy of the flowerpots. 

Jackson felt a flood of nervous excitement before the door swung open. Jackson was dumbstruck for a moment by seeing Mark in normal clothes. He was so used to seeing the other in the standard white button down and tie with black pants that he almost expected Mark to wear the same garb at home as well. Instead, witnessing Mark in a big gray shirt over black joggers was definitely a surprise. 

“Jackson,” Mark greeted, ushering him inside. It was more than just the different attire that intrigued Jackson. There was a different air around Mark. Instead of blue, he was more of a violet, if Jackson were to assign a color. It was the emblem of royalty, a hidden strength. Jackson unconsciously stood a little straighter.

“Hey,” Jackson smiled. “You look different.”

“In a good way, I hope.”

Jackson stepped into the foyer. “Of course. It’s you.”

Jackson took his shoes off by the door, glancing around at the bright atrium that more than matched his lavish expectations. The white walls, tinged cream, were spotless and the tiles seemed to gleam in the morning light. He even spied a chandelier in one of the rooms. 

“Are your parents home?” Jackson asked casually, meaning to greet them to be polite.

“Uh, no, actually it’s just us. They’re away for work,” Mark said, turning a little green with nerves. 

“Ah.” Jackson nodded slowly, feeling the jitters as well. He stood awkwardly with his backpack that was far too dirty for the modern white decor. He was abruptly reminded of the porn he watched last night, of the couple engaging in dirty acts while her parents were out. He wanted to slap himself; he was so stupid. Now was not the time to imagine how well Mark could—.

“Um, let’s go up to my room. We can work there.”

Jackson shoved the perverted thoughts out of his head and followed Mark up the stairs. However, they came back in full force when he glanced up. The medium gray fabric of his shirt fell halfway down Mark’s thighs, making the curves of his backside stand out more than the stiff dress pants. Jackson mused over how Mark wasn’t all skin and bone. Mark turned around when he noticed Jackson was quieter than usual, but Jackson was quick to avert his gaze.

“Your house is seriously amazing,” Jackson commented. “I don’t think I’ve even stepped in a place this nice.”

Mark shrugged, a delicate move of his shoulders that sent his shirt rippling. 

Mark’s room was probably double the size of Jackson’s. When Mark showed him the connected bathroom and walk in closet, he changed that estimate to triple the size. They sat, Mark on his desk chair and Jackson on Mark’s tucked bed sheets, talking about the book and compiling their individual thoughts about the developing theme. Jackson roughly tore his thoughts away from pink painted walls and a childhood bed of that video.

“Holden’s voice really resonates,” Mark noted. “It’s almost like he’s speaking right to me, or even from me.”

“You also wonder where the ducks at Central Park go in the winter?” Jackson leaned back on his hands. Mark’s mattress was somehow so unbelievably soft; Jackson sank right in when he first sat down. Now, he didn’t want to leave.

“Not exactly. I’ve never been to New York in the winter, but I just relate to him.”

“Seriously?”

“Well, yeah, I feel like most teenagers or even adults would. That’s how this book gained so much fame over the years.”

“I don’t know. I feel like it’s such a pessimistic view of the world that everyone is ‘phony’ and doesn’t say what he or she means. I think there’s just a lot more to what people say than their words. People have whole backstories and private thoughts that make their view of the world unique. Everyone _feels_ differently, you know?” Jackson looked to Mark at the end of his spiel. He felt a sort of respect resonating from him and blushed. He hadn’t meant to go so deep, revealing even a little about his own sixth sense to feel others’ emotions.

But then Mark’s emotions turned gray and blue again. It was dark, verging on a bruise, and Jackson’s heart choked for Mark to just _quit_ it. In the peace of their talks, Jackson had accustomed to Mark’s new color, letting his guard down and simply feeling _with_ Mark. It was often difficult to discern when others’ emotions were theirs or his own. Spending more time with that person helped to build knowledge of the difference, but their friendship was still new and Jackson had difficulty ripping their separate emotions apart. Now, it was drowning him like an anchor chained around his throat.

“That is nice and idyllic, but all of that is just…” Mark sighed, “We’re all microscopic ridges in a wheel that appears smooth when zoomed out. Very little of what we do matters in the grand scheme of things. If other people can’t even be _true_ , then it’s all just even more isolating.”

Jackson shuddered under the weight of the profound sadness leaking out of Mark like a broken pipe, fresh and real. He knew he had an unfair advantage with his ability, but if Mark’s emotion right there wasn’t as raw as the earth under his feet… There was no way he was fake, or that anyone was; Jackson refused to believe it.

“Let’s take a break,” Jackson suggested. “We’ve been working for over an hour. I think it’s getting to us mentally.”

“Sure, do you want something to drink?”

Although the fog hadn’t completely dissipated, it had thinned. Jackson tried to shift his heart back to his own emotions, but there was something about Mark’s that drew him forward heedlessly, caught his attention like a bright light or a loud sound. Jackson couldn’t _not_ notice it.

“I’m not that thirsty. Why don’t we go to the pool?”

 

Jackson used Mark’s bathroom to change into his swim trunks. He took a little time after to peek around, surprised with how clean the place was. When he came out, he saw Mark completely ready to go. He forced himself to tear his eyes away from his bare chest. If seeing Mark in casual clothes was new, all that exposed skin was something else entirely. It was utterly shocking, if not a little titillating as well. Not to mention how the ridges of Mark’s abdomen only further reminded him of a certain AV actor.

Mark’s eyebrows scrunched up the moment he caught sight of Jackson standing in the doorway. 

“Is that from what happened in the bathroom?” Mark asked, walking over. He lightly traced his fingertips over the purpling bruises along Jackson’s stomach. Jackson tried not to tense too much at the contact.

“Uh, yeah probably,” he brushed off. “It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“It looks like it hurts,” Mark replied, biting his lip as he inspected the damaged area.

“It’s nothing. So um were you wearing those under?” Jackson asked, nodding at Mark’s swim trunks. He was feeling a little embarrassment creep in and wanted to change the subject.

“No? I changed while you changed in there,” Mark said nonchalantly, eyes still glued to the bruise.

Jackson’s face heated. They had both been naked for that short period at the same time. He shook his head quickly. Why was he thinking like he had just hit puberty?

“B-but what if I changed faster than you?”

“People always like to look around other people’s bathrooms, especially if it’s their first time. I’m sure my medicine cabinet was fairly interesting?” Mark smirked, almost a new character to his previous shyness. Jackson wondered if being in a familiar environment made Mark open up to his true self.

“I-I-I…” Jackson couldn’t lie. “I only looked in your shower.”

“Don’t worry. I don’t have anything in _there_ that I’d have to kill you for finding,” he said with suspicious emphasis. He stepped back, eyes alight when he looked at Jackson’s face.

Jackson brightened with Mark’s change in mood. He skipped forward, dropping an arm around Mark’s shoulders while laughing. “Damn, you should talk like this at school. People would love you.”

Mark rolled his eyes, but accepted the physical touch with a faint warmness. “Facades, right?”

 

Mark led Jackson out to the backyard. Jackson’s jaw dropped when he saw the pool. It was size of the public pool in his neighborhood; however, that grimy thing was supposed to entertain the occupancy of a whole community of families. This pool, sparkling and pristine, was intended for only one.

Mark led him over to the side, away from the steps.

“Do you have your phone on you?” Mark asked suddenly. Jackson felt a spark of yellow in him.

“No, I left it back in your—.”

Jackson didn’t have to finish his sentence or assess the sudden lightness in his chest before he felt hands on his shoulders, and his world tipped. Jackson scrabbled for purchase as he felt himself fall, snagging Mark’s waist in the process. He pulled the boy with him as his body crumpled, landing horizontal on the water with his eyes squeezed shut. When the water hit him, warm compared to the autumn chill, he finally registered that Mark had deviously pushed him into the pool. He also realized that he had his arms wrapped around Mark as they sank to the bottom. Jackson’s eyes flew open when his butt hit the cement, suddenly face to face with where Mark’s expression was still scrunched up. Mark’s eyes opened then as well, half a second after him, and time seemed as muted as his aural faculty while the water shimmered around their bodies. In the rayed sunlight and loose gravity, Jackson stared at how Mark’s hair created a golden brown halo around his face. But then bubbles flew from Mark’s mouth, and Jackson realized his own lungs were aching for air as well. He pushed upward, pulling Mark along with him. They broke the surface sputtering and coughing up swallowed pool water. 

“Shit, that scared me,” Jackson rubbed the water out of his eyes.

“I didn’t expect you to pull me in with you,” Mark shook out his hair. Jackson felt the drips smack him in the face. “God, you’re fricking _strong_.”

Jackson felt a sense of pride bloom from Mark’s compliment. “I’ve been telling you that I’m on the basketball team, but you just won’t believe me.”

Mark smacked his chest, laughing, and Jackson recoiled back in mock offense.

“How did you think my grip got so strong?” Jackson asked, but Mark only gave him a skeptical glance before bursting out laughing. “Wait, shit, no! That’s not what I meant!” 

When Mark wouldn’t stop laughing, Jackson folded his arms over his chest. 

“Whatever. You should come to a game though. Then you’ll believe me.”

“Oh, I believe you. Your arms looked very muscular in that tank top,” Mark slapped his bicep. “Now, too I can see your pecs. But I don’t really do sport games. Too much sweat and testosterone.”

Jackson snorted. “You’re such a nerd.”

Mark splashed him in retaliation. When the wave of water passed, leaving Jackson wet and surprised, Mark doubled over laughing. He swam over to clutch the edge of the pool so that he wouldn’t drown. 

“Was that necessary?” Jackson asked, eyes sealed shut as he felt water roll down his hair over his face. 

“Incredibly,” Mark giggled.

Jackson wiped his eyes eagerly to witness the childish joy he felt. Needing to tease him back, Jackson swam over, grabbing around Mark’s waist to tickle him. Since Jackson expected the touch, he usually didn’t react when he tickled someone, in the same way that you cannot tickle yourself. However, Mark was unbelievably sensitive, resonating an immense jolt when Jackson targeted his ticklish spots. 

“Ah!” Mark squealed, jumping nearly out of the water. Jackson bit his lip to force down the similar squeak that wanted to come out. 

“Oh my god, I didn’t know you were that ticklish,” Jackson laughed.

Mark scowled like a wet cat. “Well I wouldn’t introduce myself with that.”

However, his flip switched just like that. Mark spun around, sending a burst of water Jackson’s way before dipping underwater and speeding away. Jackson chased after him, engaging in a vicious water battle. They ducked underwater to avoid getting splashed, hid behind the stairs, and sent water splashing everywhere, mostly outside of the pool. 

Jackson took the opportunity, while Mark dove deep underwater to grab his ankles, to get out of the water and ambush him. He instantly regretted it as soon as his body left the warm water and entered the frigid air, but he was a man on a mission. He watched Mark’s thin streamlined body glide through the water with admiration. When Mark was close enough, Jackson jumped into the water, landing on top of him. He sat on Mark’s back like riding a horse. He gloated in his glory for a while until he felt Mark struggle underneath him, felt his panic strike him. He slipped off, letting Mark pop up to the surface so he could breathe. 

Water poured from Mark’s nose, and he held a hand up. “Truce, truce.”

“Are you okay?” Jackson moved into Mark’s space, patting his back. 

Mark shook his head, brushing Jackson’s hand away. “I’m fine.”

“Sorry,” Jackson ventured when he felt Mark’s alarm subside. He pushed Mark’s wet bangs up so that they wouldn’t get water in his eyes. He held Mark’s face in his hands as his eyelashes fluttered open. Mark looked at him with wet eyes, looking so pure. Jackson felt his heart tremble at the sight. “I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Mark grinned. “You played well. I guess you’re the winner here.”

“Let’s play a different game,” Jackson suggested, pulling away from the strange sensation he got whenever he was near Mark. It was like they shared the same radio frequency; the melody came out crystal clear.

“What kind?”

“A safer one. A questions game.”

“Damn, I wanted something where one of us can win.”

“Whoever answers the most questions wins. One rule: tell the truth and only the truth.” Jackson didn’t tell of his innate lie detector; any unusual nervousness easily gave someone away.

Mark lifted an eyebrow, considering. “Sure, I have nothing to hide. You go first.”

“Where were you born?”

“What? That’s easy. L.A.”

“Your turn.”

“Am I allowed to make it harder?”

“Yes, now my turn.”

“Hey—!” Mark exclaimed, not realizing that he had asked a question. Jackson swam away, out of the range of Mark’s peeved splash at being tricked.

“What’s your favorite food?”

“Pizza, I think. Oh, wait no. Grilled meat definitely. Okay, now I’m ready. When was your first kiss?”

“That’s not hard at all,” Jackson bluffed, giving a sly smirk. “Eight years old.”

“Really?” Mark exclaimed. 

“Now, how did you meet your girlfriend?”

“Through my parents’ work,” Mark jittered.

“Oh, what do your parents do?”

“Nuh-uh, my turn,” Mark taunted. “What’s your most embarrassing moment?”

“Uh,” Jackson paused. His most embarrassing moment was probably when the teacher called on him to do a math problem on the board when he had been tuning in too closely to the emotions of the guy next to him who was daydreaming. Needless to say, he pulled his shirt down as much as possible, but he _felt_ every level of shock when someone in the class saw and realized he was sporting wood. “I made a fool of myself in front of the entire class.”

“Come on! That’s not an answer.”

“It is an answer, and it counts. You just weren’t specific enough,” Jackson paused. “So, last Wednesday did you ditch me to have sex with your girlfriend?”

Mark stared at him as if assessing how serious he was, trying to comprehend how the questions jumped from 0 to 100 in a second. Jackson pulled his best poker face, but he could feel his stomach drop to his knees, waiting for Mark to choose whether or not to answer.

“You told me it was okay!” Mark finally relented. Even from his lackluster response, Jackson knew the answer. Jaebum was right about him. 

“So you aren’t a virgin?”

“No—hey, wait! Stop tricking me into answering questions,” Mark pouted. “Then are you?”

“That’s a boring question,” Jackson complained.

“Answer it or you lose,” he taunted.

Jackson pouted, unable to look at Mark as the answer slipped past his lips. He was abruptly conscious of the cold air prickling his shoulders and neck. He slipped deeper in the water.

“Yeah.”

“Seriously? How come? You’re so popular at school though. I thought you’d have girls fighting over a chance in your bed.” 

The surprise in Mark’s tone hurt. He crossed his arms over his chest. “It’s not your turn.”

“Okay, then you go,” Mark pushed. Jackson could feel the curiosity and eagerness bubbling up inside Mark like water over a fire set on high. He didn’t want Mark asking any more questions. He didn’t like being treated like a side of the road freak show.

“Let’s get out first. I’m getting cold.”

“We can do a couple laps to warm up?”

“No, I’m done,” Jackson lifted himself out of the pool against the pull of the water, leaving Mark behind worried and confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jackson's ability works as another sense added to our existing five: sight, smell, feeling, hearing, and taste. I'm using colors primarily to describe it, as that's also a popular visual tool for depicting synesthesia in media. Essentially, everyone has a different tone to their emotions, so Mark's tone stands out the most to Jackson. It attracts him like a pleasant smell or favorite color.
> 
> I hope the pool scene came out well. I was imagining it very prettily, with the specks of light floating through the water and all, but the boys needed to have time to play and have fun so...moving on.
> 
> Things may become a little difficult. Jackson's starting to suffer because of Mark, but he still doesn't really understand why :/


	3. Female

Another hour of strained work later, Jackson left Mark’s house. They promised to meet again on Wednesday when Jackson didn’t have practice. Jackson gripped the handlebars of his bike harder than necessary as he let gravity roll him downhill. The way Mark felt _pity_ for his inexperience didn’t sit well with him, pissing him off more than necessary. He couldn’t even understand his own anger. It wasn’t like Jackson had anything to prove in the popularity department. He was able to get a girlfriend when he first entered high school. It was easy to spoil her and treat her well; that was something Jackson absolutely loved doing for the people he cared about. However, as the weeks turned into a month, she began asking for something Jackson was too scared to give her: intimacy. Given his abilities, who knows what could have happened? Then there was Mark, looking at him as if he were inferior because he never gave into teenage temptation.

While Jackson was distracted, the front tire of his bicycle tripped over a rock in the road, sending Jackson tumbling over his handlebars. He landed on the street with his bike on top of him. Groaning, Jackson lifted it off and assessed the damage. He hadn’t hit his head, which was lucky, as he managed to roll to the side before impact. However, he had scraped up the side of his forearm where he skidded against the asphalt.

Shakily, he got back on his bike. Maybe this night drinking with Jaebum would be more therapeutic than originally intended.

 

“What’s up?” Jaebum asked when he came to pick Jackson up. He didn’t need some acute perception ability to realize Jackson’s drop in mood. 

Jaebum had pulled out of the driveway and reached the intersection to the main street before Jackson answered.

“Nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. Come on, who shit in your cereal?”

“Is it bad that I’m still a virgin?”

“The fuck? No, of course not. Whoever thinks so is a piece of shit. It’s your choice. Your sexual prowess doesn’t mean crap.”

Eyes still on the road, Jaebum blindly reached across the center console to squeeze Jackson’s thigh. Jackson hummed something noncommittal, continuing to stare out the window. He was grateful Jaebum never asked too much, always waited until Jackson was ready to speak. Yet, his stoic comfort did not alleviate Jackson’s unease. He didn’t know why he put so much weight in Mark’s attitude. It wasn’t as if they were particularly close. He just… couldn’t think of Mark as a ‘piece of shit’ like Jaebum so easily brushed off because he saw something within him that was different from the rest.

“We’re here,” Jaebum said, pulling in behind another car parked on the block. 

Jackson entered first, pulling a willed smile from his bag of tricks. Jaebum nodded calmly, heading to the kitchen with his gift pack of beer. The lights were low; the rap music was loud. Jackson spotted Yugyeom talking to a group of people he didn’t recognize. He easily introduced himself and assimilated into the conversation. It was simple for him to test the mood of the collective group and contribute with excellent timing.

“Hey, is Hani coming tonight?” Yugyeom asked randomly, breaking the flow. The younger was staring towards the door impatiently; he hadn’t been active in the conversation for the last five minutes.

“I think so.”

“She said she was bringing her boyfriend.”

Jackson felt Yugyeom ripple slug green. He blinked at the distracted male, studying the tense jaw and hard eyes. He had never felt such an ugly emotion from him.

“You mean that kid that she’s just playing with to get ahead in his daddy’s modeling company,” Yugyeom scoffed.

Jackson flinched. Even if he didn’t know who they were talking about… “That’s not very nice.”

The front door opened behind him, and Jackson noticed a few people move to say hi. There was a slight shift in the tide of emotions engulfing him in this unfamiliarly tight space.

“I’m serious, dude.” Yugyeom nodded toward the door. “Look at that guy and, compared to _her_ , tell me what you see in him.”

Jackson turned to the door, following the flow of the room to gaze at the newcomers. His mouth fell open when his eyes fell upon a familiar bob of golden brown hair unfamiliarly gelled up to reveal a pale forehead. Jackson traced his features down to the curve of his pink lips, but he didn’t need to. He recognized him instantly.

“Mark?” Jackson questioned aloud. He didn’t know what Yugyeom was talking about. Without seeing the girlfriend, he already knew that he saw a lot in Mark.

“Dude, you know him?” Yugyeom asked beside him as if disgusted.

“Yeah, we have classes together, why?” Jackson replied, immediately defensive. He took a deep breath to settle the uneasy emotions gathering around him like metallic dust to a magnet.

“He used to go to Mayflower with us, y’know, but he was…uh,” the guys beside Yugyeom nodded along. “He was always really popular with the girls. I heard some of the theatre kids used to—with him. Ah, well, that’s just a rumor. Anyway, no one knows why he left, but he did it so abruptly. And in the middle of his senior year too.”

“That does sound kinda weird,” Jackson agreed slowly, freely following Mark’s path around the room with his eyes since the latter hadn’t noticed him yet. There was a girl at his side, who Jackson assumed to be Hani. Jackson was conscious of Yugyeom’s curdling emotions as he stared hard at the girl. She was tall, almost the same height as Mark, with straight black hair that cascaded to her waist. Her almond eyes were delicate yet sharp. Although she was likely the same age, she had the charm of an older woman, someone who seduces and leads. Jackson never supposed someone like her to be Mark’s type at all, but he was learning that there were many sides of Mark that he was previously ignorant to.

“Yo, dude, want a drink?” Jaebum sidled up to them, handing Jackson an unopened can.

Jackson popped the cap with a breath of relief. He thanked Jaebum’s impeccable timing, chugging the beer down. Despite how his brain already seemed muddled with the intoxication of the people around him, an extra push in a lighter direction certainly wasn’t unappreciated.

“Hey, isn’t that Mark?” Jaebum noticed. “Your project partner? The one you had me stal—.”

“Yes,” Jackson quickly cut in, nudging Jaebum in the ribs to silence him. “It is.”

“What’s he doing here? I never thought I’d catch him at a party. He didn’t seem like the type.”

“His girlfriend probably invited him,” Yugyeom spat. 

Jaebum looked between Yugyeom and Jackson who shared similar pissed palettes. “Ah, the infamous girlfriend,” he hummed, assessing the web that had spun around them all. “Why don’t we go say hello?”

As Jaebum pulled the two unwilling boys along, all Jackson could picture was Mark’s deliberate ‘no’ in the pool and the revealed face of this girl before him. The pieces clicked with an echoing clatter. Mark wasn’t a virgin plus a model girlfriend equals Jackson’s overactive imagination conjuring the too-vivid image of them fucking like bunnies on Mark’s carefully made bed, where he had sat just hours ago. Then there was the extra visual of that porn with the actor that looked startlingly like Mark from certain angles and just… Shit. Yugyeom’s jealousy was getting to him too much, like the echoes of a loud bass beating into his eardrums.

“Hey, you’re in our chemistry class, right?” Jaebum began, introducing himself before Jackson had time to gather his wits.

Mark and Hani turned around in surprise at the unfamiliar voice, their two eyes instantly shifting to different people. 

“Jackson?” Mark said at the same time Hani went, “Gyeomie, hey!”

Hani’s voice was smoother than Jackson expected, matured like a wine, but maybe that completely fit her image. There was, however, a certain spark in her eye as she appraised the group before her that indicated her playfulness. 

“Hey,” Jackson murmured, gaze glued to Mark’s hair. Most people would look like a bad anime cosplayer or an unruly rooster with hair like that, but Mark somehow made it work. And it was sexy as hell. The words slipped out before he even realized it. “Your hair looks really nice like this.”

“Thanks,” Mark replied, looking down with a twinge of embarrassment.

Jackson nodded before quickly ripping his eyes away from Mark, feeling the awkwardness of the group creep up around them. However, he continued to swallow Mark’s ripples of confusion like gulps of a tidal wave. Though Jackson attempted to reach out to Hani’s emotions to gauge her composition, Mark seemed to once again overpower everyone in the room. 

“I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Jackson.” He extended a hand to the model.

“Same to you,” she accepted the handshake with a smile. It reached her eyes, folding them into little moons. “I’m Hani. Park Hani. I don’t think I’ve shaken anyone’s hand unless it’s work.” She laughed lightly, insincerely.

“Ah, I don’t want to give you that impression,” Jackson said clumsily. He had never felt so out of place in ages. There was always a transition to lead into small talk or at least a better response than ‘I don’t want to give you that impression,’ which sounded so fucking creepy, but Jackson couldn’t think. Mark’s presence was so distracting that Jackson could hardly speak without almost biting his tongue off.

Yugyeom managed to bring the conversation back. “So how was that shoot you did with…?” 

Jackson’s lips were drawn firmly shut as the two talked like friends. Mark didn’t seem a part of their conversation; he didn’t even try to join, just watched silently. Jackson didn’t feel any malice from Mark, only those little sparks of curiosity and what? Contentedness? Joy? Fuck, Jackson clamped his mouth shut, not trusting whatever mindless shit he was going to spout next. Instead of running his mouth off like always, he decided to listen. Yet instead of that, he ended up watching how Hani’s feet turned toward Mark and Mark responding by pulling her closer by the hip. They stood unnecessarily close, unneeded PDA in this room of mostly singles, but Mark didn’t even feel possessive. Were they that comfortable that there was no room for jealousy?

Jaebum elbowed Jackson in the side before leaning down to whisper in his ear.

“Are you done glaring daggers at them? I’m going to go play beer pong. You can join if you’re not a pussy.”

“Loser buys dinner?” Jackson set the bet. He definitely needed a change of pace. If he were going to continue wallowing here, he really was going to go crazy.

“My weekend’s all free for _your_ treat,” Jaebum taunted. 

Jaebum turned to excuse themselves from the trio, and Jackson gave a wave. As they walked away, the emotions around him turned hazy and unfocused. Jackson couldn’t decipher it at all, couldn’t even tell where they were coming from, but it made his head throb and his stomach drop. He felt discombobulated from his physical body. 

They set up at the table in the kitchen. People already began to gather, knowing Jaebum from the dance studio. Their excitement bled into him, fueling him on. Jackson and Jaebum derided each other over the cups filled with piss-colored liquid, throwing insults without real meaning. Jackson still felt tipsy as he let Jaebum have the first toss, riding on the fact that Jaebum was awful at games despite his looks. 

The ball hit the rim of the cup and bounced off. Jackson cheered at Jaebum’s failure. However, he missed his turn as well when someone familiar entered his periphery. Jackson’s eyes flitted at the last second as his fingers released the ball. He watched as Mark’s eyes followed the ball’s arc over the arrangement of cups, completely missing all of his potential targets. Jackson’s face heated as his eyes met Mark’s. The latter’s barely concealed laughter was all over his face. 

Jackson cursed aloud, overdramatizing his magnificent loss to compensate for his mistake. Jaebum laughed at him openly, but Jackson’s focus was on the figure to his left. He noticed that that girl wasn’t at his side anymore. It made him feel lighter. However, while he was distracted, Jaebum made three cups in a row, forcing Jackson to chug them down. Jackson scored a few times while his head was still clear, but he was rapidly losing. Mark’s proximity, so close that Jackson could feel his aura, coupled with the increasing intoxication left him feeling like he was only loosely anchored to the ground. A strong wind could easily knock him into the sky at a moment’s notice. As he got drunker, he never realized that the unfamiliar queasy, jealous feeling had disappeared.

Jaebum ended up winning the game, leaving Jackson collapsed onto the ground in defeat to snatch one of the untouched cups. The crowd dispersed, and Jaebum hopped on the table, idly watching Jackson on the floor.

“Is everyone gone?” Jackson asked, feeling some of the buzzing emotions slip away. 

“Yup, just you and I. Winner and loser. Master and servant. Should we go somewhere fancy?” Jaebum took a sip then grimaced when he found the beer to be lukewarm. He set the cup back down.

“No way, man. I’m on a budget so we’re going to In-N-Out.” Jackson stood back up onto his feet. Sure enough, everyone was gone. He tried not to be disappointed.

“Ugh, fine, cheapskate.” Jaebum looked around. “Hey, how come that guy Mark showed up to watch us play?”

“Maybe he was bored?”

“But he wasn’t with his girlfriend.”

“You don’t have to stick to someone like glue when you’re dating.”

“Yeah, but don’t you think they were a little too touchy earlier with Yugyeomie?” Jaebum side-eyed Jackson. “Well, I’m sure you felt the same.”

“What do you mean?” Jackson scrunched his eyebrows. “Obviously I’d feel the same when I can _feel_ Yugyeom’s emotions.”

“That’s not what I—.”

“Ack!” Jackson grunted, clutching onto the edge of the table in resentment. It was the same sickly feeling from earlier, twisting around his stomach and squeezing, taking him completely off guard, but it was more familiar. It echoed the trademarks of someone closer to him.

“Jackson? What’s wrong?”

“It’s Yugyeom. Something happened,” Jackson choked out, feeling angry tears burning the back of his eyes. This was worse than when Yugyeom had seen Hani enter the room in Mark’s arms.

“Let’s go find him.” Jaebum pulled Jackson up by the elbow, getting him onto his feet. 

They searched the main area of the house. Jackson quickly caught sight of what must have set Yugyeom off. Up on the staircase, Hani was pulling Mark by the hand, fingers interlocked. There was nothing innocent about the way she was eyeing him, and there was nothing oblivious about the stupid ass smile carved onto Mark’s face.

Jaebum stopped suddenly, making Jackson run face first into his shoulder, totally distracted watching their ascent toward the bedrooms.

“Yugyeom, what happened?” Jaebum asked in a rush. “Why are you alone? What happened to Hana?”

“You mean Hani? Yeah, I got to watch that sleazebag pull her away upstairs.”

“I need some air,” Jackson said suddenly, pulling out of Jaebum’s hold to push through the crowd toward the backyard. There were people milling about in the dark, briefly illuminated by the glow of a communal blunt. Jackson walked away from everyone else to sit on a low wall, trying to find some peace in being alone. However, he hated being alone. He’d rather have someone’s ear to talk to or a shoulder to lean on. This wasn’t helping.

Jackson gazed up at the muted stars, clouded with pollution and city lights. His eyes seemed to have a mind of their own, wandering down the tiled roof toward the upstairs windows. He couldn’t help but wonder if Mark and Hani were getting it on behind one of those frail pieces of glass. Maybe if he listened closely enough, he’d hear something telling. His chest still seemed to ache at the thought of it; it must be the residual dregs from Yugyeom’s outburst. 

He took a deep breath, but he could only smell the stench of smoke. This was hardly the fresh air he needed. Trying to clear his mind, he could only feel the nicotine high and one person’s feeling of disgust. 

Jackson’s thoughts drifted to Mark again. Maybe Mark was right; maybe the fictional Holden was right. People did stupid things to try to fit in, to seem cool, at the expense of their true selves. Why someone would go to such lengths, Jackson couldn’t fathom. He was about to jump down and go inside, to get away from the pretentiousness, when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. Pulling the device out, he squinted at the too-bright screen.

It was from Mark.

_I’m sorry about the whole virgin thing earlier. It wasn’t fair of me to judge you._

Jackson stared and stared at his lock screen until his phone went black. He quickly pocketed his phone, pretending not to have seen it. What the hell was that kid doing? Jackson had just accepted that he was upstairs banging his girlfriend when he received that unexpectedly serious text. He couldn’t possibly have been in the middle of doing it when he sent it…right?

Jackson shook his head. That was ridiculous. Mark wasn’t actually the ‘sleazebag’ Yugyeom made him out to be. Despite their short time together, Jackson knew him better than that. Mark’s emotions were too…soft. There was no cold edge of disregard for other people. There was no bluntness of expression. If anything, Mark felt _lost_ , like a young lamb who strayed too far, like a hatched chick looking for guidance.

But he was still insanely curious about what Mark was doing. Jackson considered creeping upstairs and feeling around with his sense to spy on Mark. He had accidentally wandered in on someone’s explicit emotions, and the experience had him avoiding all bedrooms, bathrooms, and laundry rooms at parties. So, he knew what it felt like, roughly. However, continuing to stalk Mark was just that: creepy.

His phone buzzed again. Jackson checked it with some fleeting hope for a new text, but it was just the two-minute reminder that Jackson had left Mark’s text unopened. Jackson tucked his phone back into his pocket like it was a crime. He was set on going home, even if it meant he had to walk all the way back. Although he usually enjoyed parties and loose spirits, today was stifling. Jackson couldn’t escape the unwanted fog of inebriation.

He heard the door open, and two familiar auras neared him.

“Hey,” Jackson greeted as the two fumbled toward his perch on the wall.

“Go on,” Jaebum nudged Yugyeom. Jackson felt the slight shame on Yugyeom’s part and wondered what was happening.

Yugyeom kicked at the pebbles at his feet before beginning. “Listen, Jackson, I’m sorry about being so negative back there. I know it gets to you sometimes, and I didn’t mean to make you feel bad too.”

Jackson hopped down, placing a hand on Yugyeom’s shoulder. “You don’t have to apologize. It’s fine. I’m okay.”

“He’s just too empathetic for his own good,” Jaebum commented wisely.

Jackson blinked at him, surprised. He was about to say something, but the words were lost when his phone buzzed a third time. He pulled it out. It was another text from Mark.

_I know you checked your phone. Come upstairs._

Jackson looked around him in the panic of being watched unknowingly. Over the tops of Jaebum and Yugyeom’s heads, he caught sight of a light upstairs being switched on. He watched as a lean figure approached the window and waved down at him. He couldn’t refuse the request. 

“What is it?” Jaebum asked, trying to peek at Jackson’s phone screen.

Jackson shoved his phone deep into his pocket. “Ah, nothing. I gotta go somewhere. If you want to leave or something, you can. I’ll just walk home.”

“What—?” 

Jackson ignored the rest of the question, escaping the scene before he had to explain himself. He shot up the stairs before they could catch up to him and see where he was headed. He counted the doors until he figured the room where Mark must be. There was light slipping out through the gap underneath the door. He knocked lightly.

“Come in.”

Jackson opened the door warily, afraid to accidentally see something he shouldn’t. When he was finally inside, the view was normal. Mark was sprawled on the couch of the bedroom, playing on his phone. His shirt was untucked from his jeans, his hair mused, but no one else was in the room.

“Did you want something?” Jackson asked, sticking to his position by the door. Mark looked different from when he was at school, all sharp edges and delinquent style, but he felt the same. There was still the ever-present loneliness that pervaded his aura. The sight and the feeling didn’t meld; there was a discrepancy. Jackson craved to mend it.

Mark looked up from his phone, resting his head against the couch cushions as he gazed steadily at Jackson. He patted the space next to him, looking like a puppy asking his owner to play. 

“Come sit with me.”

Jackson hesitated, “Is it clean?”

“Don’t worry. Nothing happened here.”

Jackson decided to trust Mark, sitting beside him. “I thought you were coming upstairs to… you know, with Hani.”

Mark shrugged. His voice was low. “I get really bored at parties. I don’t like meeting the people I used to know. Clearly, they don’t like seeing me much either. Seeing you here was interesting though. I was hoping we could talk some more, but then you ran off with Jaebum.”

Jackson recalled the unsettled feeling he had when he left with Jaebum. Did that come from Mark? The aching, queasy feeling? There was no way. It too closely resembled the characteristics of jealousy. 

“I hope I didn’t pull you away from anything important,” Mark continued.

“No, I really shouldn’t have gone with him. Now I owe the guy a burger.” Jackson settled in his seat. “So what did you want to talk about?”

“I wanted to apologize properly. I didn’t mean to put you off like that earlier at my house. I wish we hadn’t parted on such bad terms. You had your first kiss when you so young that I just assumed, you know, that you’d done other stuff as well. But it was wrong on my part to just presume all that about you. I’m sorry.”

Jackson relaxed into the couch, sinking deeper with his legs spread. He turned his head up to the ceiling. “It’s not a big deal. And about that first kiss… It was just a peck on the playground. We were ‘dating,’ as elementary students do, but it was nothing. I doubt she even remembers me.”

“I doubt she’d be able to forget you,” Mark giggled. 

Jackson shifted his gaze to see Mark smiling at him. They both had their heads resting atop the couch cushions, bodies splayed and vulnerable. There was something intimate about the energy shared between them. Jackson felt it tingle along his skin.

“Are you saying that _you_ wouldn’t be able to forget me?” Jackson asked, words slipping out before he could slam a filter over his mouth. He gasped the moment he realized what he had said. 

But Mark propped his head up on his hand, seeming to lean that much closer. Jackson could smell the beer on his breath. Embarrassed, his eyes slipped down, avoiding eye contact, and landed on the cupid’s bow of Mark’s lips. He almost fainted when Mark’s tongue flicked out to wet them nervously.

“You’re forgetting that you haven’t kissed _me_ yet.”

Jackson stopped breathing when Mark’s eyes slipped into a blink, long eyelashes fanning out over his cheekbones, and suddenly Mark was looking at Jackson’s mouth just as intently. Jackson’s lips parted on instinct, angling toward him, when the door sharply slammed open, jolting Jackson back so hard he banged his head against the wall behind the couch.

“Agh, shit,” Jackson cursed under his breath, clutching his throbbing skull.

“Oh, sorry,” an unfamiliar guy said while his girl quickly hid behind him. “We thought the room was empty.”

“Go try a room that doesn’t have the fucking light on next time,” Mark retorted crossly.

“I already apologized for interrupting your cock-sucking session. You don’t have to be such a goddamn prick about it, Mark,” the guy said, slamming the door a second time. A few picture frames on the wall rattled.

“What was that about?” Jackson asked, cautiously sliding to the far end of the couch from Mark. He had never felt him so angry before, and it was all hidden under a stoic mask. It was a little frightening how much emotion could boil underneath, only given away by the tension in Mark’s jaw. Jackson didn’t know how to react to it. Was this all about the guy misconstruing their relationship?

“I used to go to school with him. He was one of the theatre kids I used to hang out with, but then…I don’t know, shit happened.”

“Like…drug shit?” Jackson ventured, mind flashing back to what Yugyeom had said.

“It um…well,” Mark trailed off, his eyes wandering down and away from Jackson’s face as well. Jackson blushed a little as Mark’s gaze lingered on his body, but then he realized that he was staring at something very specific. 

“What is it?” Jackson followed his line of sight to the scrapes on his arm that were mostly healed over. Though the skin was still flushed red, it had stopped bleeding and the edges were scabbing over.

“How did you get more hurt since the last time I saw you? You still have those bruises from just last Wednesday.”

“Fell off my bike,” Jackson admitted.

“While going home from my place?”

“Yeah.”

“It wasn’t because—,” Mark paused abruptly. He closed his eyes, thinking, and then reopened them. “You weren’t distracted by what I said, right? That’s not why you fell? Because you can forget everything I said before. You shouldn’t have sex underage. You might not even like it anyway.”

“Shut up,” Jackson exclaimed abruptly, bolting up onto his feet. Though there was still leftover anger from Mark’s encounter with the stranger bleeding into him, his nerves had already been on edge from how close they almost came to kissing. He was standing on the edge of the cliff, looking down and feeling the wind behind his back pushing him forward. He was unbelievably vulnerable, and it made him feel like shit. “Stop treating me like I’m so different from you. I’m not a little kid! Everything you did, I’m capable of as well.”

Jackson whipped around, ready to storm off in a fit. He knew how much Mark enjoyed sex from the memory of his golden mood that one morning. So why did Mark have to play it down? Why did Mark have to keep bringing that up in the first place like he was better than him? It wasn’t his fault that all his relationships ceased to last longer than a month and altogether stopped when he hit sophomore year. He had a lot going on, and balancing two people’s emotions was not the easiest task. It didn’t help that his last girlfriend had been so persistent about having sex that it pushed him away. 

“Are you sure you just don’t want to have sex?” Mark asked, seeming to read his mind. Jackson stopped in his tracks. Mark’s anger had faded as quickly as it came in, and Jackson’s temper dropped along with it. In truth, he was never that mad at all. He was only reflecting Mark.

“What do you mean? I’m a teenage guy. Of course I would want to get laid.” But there was some truth to Mark’s words that hit close to home. Jackson worried about what would happen with his sixth sense if he connected with someone on that intimate level. Would it overwhelm him and compromise his performance? Would he lose himself? That thought always gave him anxiety when he got too close with his exes and had to escape before the mood escalated.

“Plenty of people are asexual.”

“I’m not one of them.” He really wasn’t. Girls were hot; their bodies turned him on. He had ample viewing experience on the pornography front, and he had always fantasized about giving a girl a facial.

Mark burst out laughing, and Jackson’s jaw snapped shut, realizing that all those explicit details had come pouring out of his mouth. Maybe the alcohol he drank had finally decided to kick in.

“Stop it,” Jackson said softly, embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to say all that.”

“I’m not judging you. We all have our kinks.”

“That’s not even an actual kink, and I don’t know if I would like it in real life. It’s not like I’ve tried it. It’s just…the visual on the screen.”

“Would you want to?” Mark stood up, walking to Jackson. Jackson had to agree that talking across a room was not comfortable, but his stroll was oddly suggestive in Jackson’s drunken mind.

“M-maybe when I’m committed to someone. I wouldn’t do it with a stranger.”

Mark stopped in front of Jackson, a safe distance away. The unacquainted action slapped Jackson in the face, telling him that this lustful atmosphere was all in his head. 

Mark changed the subject. “Let’s talk about something else. This is clearly making you uncomfortable. How about sports?”

Mark somehow managed to convince the fleeing Jackson to stay and lie on the bed with him while they talked. Jackson stared at the shadows created by the rotating ceiling fan while Mark talked about how his grandmother used to bring him to the Lakers’ game whenever she got tickets. Jackson continued on the tangent, sharing stories of his grandparents back in Shanghai. Time slipped out of their grasps, Jackson ending up doing most of the talking, and all was well.

Jackson’s phone buzzed, jolting him back into the present. He unlocked it.

[1:13] Jaebum: If you’re still at the party, I’m sober and willing to drive your ass back home

“Oh my god, the time,” Jackson said, sitting up. “I should go. I’ll see you again at school, yeah?”

Mark sat up too, blinking slowly at Jackson. “Yeah, I’ll walk you down. Just give me a second.”

Mark stood up and stretched, lifting his arms toward the ceiling. Jackson’s eyes flitted to the strip of skin revealed and the band of Mark’s underwear. Mark then shook out his hair before exiting the room. Unsure of what else to do, Jackson followed. 

As soon as the door opened, however, he nearly collapsed against the wall. This late into the party, all the guests were drunk, and their coalesced intoxicated emotions swirled into Jackson’s head and waterlogged his brain. Jackson saw the tail of Mark’s shirt flicker into another room, but he wanted to be able to get down the stairs without cracking his skull open so he decided to tackle that mission first. For whatever reason, that was the sanest idea. So he hugged the railing, taking one step at a time, feet sluggish and eyes blurry.

“Jackson?”

Jackson heard Jaebum’s voice, but he couldn’t quite place where it was coming from. He walked forward blindly. Then he felt strong hands hold him tight, and he knew he found his target. 

“You should _never_ get drunk upstairs. Going back down is _soo_ dangerous,” Jackson said, words slurring despite his attempt at verbal control. He rested his head against Jaebum’s chest where it was comfortable and secure, where the world could stop spinning for a second.

“Yes, yes, you’re safe now. Let’s get out of here. Yugyeom is waiting by the door. Where the hell did you go anyway?”

“I was with…uh…” Jackson sensed Mark above him. He knocked off Jaebum’s arms and turned back to look up the stairs. He indeed saw Mark, but he was leading a giggling Hani down the steps, an arm tight around her hips, fingers deep in the front pocket of her jeans. Jackson’s throat tightened at the sight of Hani’s smeared lipstick and the out-of-place dash of red against Mark’s lips. Jackson wished desperately he had someone guide him down the stairs as well. Then maybe he wouldn’t feel as nauseous as he did right then.

“With who?” Jaebum jolted him back to the present.

“No one—nothing,” Jackson said quickly. He was beginning to wonder if he had imagined that whole conversation. The two realities seemed to clash too much for both to be true. “Uh, nothing happened. I wasn’t doing anything. Let’s just go, right?”

Jackson was halfway to the door, about to call Yugyeom’s name, when he heard a feminine voice behind him.

“Gyeomie, are you leaving already?”

They all turned at the same time to see Hani staring at the trio with wide eyes. Mark was present at her side like a sentinel. Granted, of course, if such guards were allowed to fuck their mistresses. There was no denying it in the way the two looked, hair pulled and clothes rumpled. Mark’s shirt was still as untucked as when Jackson first saw it in the bedroom. However, none of this corresponded with the cooled aura Jackson sensed from them or with the memory of his talk with Mark about professional basketball just minutes ago. They weren’t glowing gold like before.

“It’s late,” came Yugyeom’s voice from behind Jackson, deeper than usual. The manliness shocked Jackson, but he noticed that Yugyeom was trying to keep his temper to a minimum. Jackson’s heart softened nonetheless due to his own sentiment; he wondered if the younger was purposefully maintaining his anger for his sake. 

Thus, Jackson was able to keep a more level head. However, Jaebum did not know that. Jaebum grabbed Jackson roughly and pulled him closer, as if he was worried Jackson was going to do something he would regret the next day. Jackson tried to shake off his grip, but he suddenly felt a clench in his chest. It choked the effort out of him, and then he really did not mind the vague comfort Jaebum provided.

“Too late for food?” Hani asked, eyes turning up to the tall male. “Let’s all go out for a midnight snack. It’ll be fun!”

“It’s already past midnight,” Jaebum countered, trying to stand up for Yugyeom. “I don’t think we should—.”

But Yugyeom could not hold back to her temptation. “Sure, let’s go.” He looked back at Jaebum with pleading eyes, asking him to just let it go this once.

“You two have to come as well!” Hani exclaimed, gesturing to Jackson and Jaebum.

They drove in separate cars. Yugyeom and Jackson in Jaebum’s and Hani with Mark. Jackson couldn’t help but admire how Mark’s black Mercedes seemed to swallow up the night sky, reflecting back the streetlamps like stars. Yugyeom, meanwhile, was in the backseat muttering something about douchebags and fancy cars.

Jackson tried to settle the uneasiness in his stomach now that the drunkenness had faded into the background the further they drove from the party. He had seen so many sides of Mark in one day that he might have gotten whiplash. The latest façade, the buried angry side, unnerved him.

 

The yellow and red neon sign of the burger joint glowed like an omen. Jackson stepped out of the car and was glad to have rediscovered his sense of balance. Mark was a ways away, opening the door for Hani. She stepped out, heels clicking against the asphalt. Jackson couldn’t take his eyes off of their locked hands. Only Jaebum’s hand on his shoulder woke him out of his thoughts.

“Let’s go in before they close.”

Jackson nodded numbly. He didn’t understand this feeling in his chest. It was something familiar but not an emotion he often felt as his own. He didn’t know the cause.

The guy at the register visibly groaned when the bell above the door jangled five minutes before closing. Jaebum shook his head apologetically at the guy before allowing Hani and Mark to order first. Mark paid for her, and the two sat at a booth in the near empty restaurant. There were only a few other customers finishing up or getting ready to leave. Yugyeom went next, and then Jaebum was dragging Jackson with him to the counter.

“It’s time for your wallet to shine,” Jaebum taunted Jackson before telling the guy his order.

Jackson groaned when Jaebum added a strawberry milkshake to his order but then did the same (vanilla, though) because he had to drown the sorrows of his shrinking wallet somehow. They meandered back to the group, and Jackson was instantly confronted by the stiff atmosphere. Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to leave Yugyeom with the couple.

“Are you two dating?” Hani asked randomly.

Jackson almost fell out of his seat as he was trying to sit down. A flash of hurt burst before his eyes, blinding him from any other emotion. He tried to place it, but it was gone before he could adapt to the ache in his chest.

“Who?” Jaebum laughed. “Me and him?” He thumbed at Jackson who was still trying to recover.

“No way,” Jackson spat like he had a bad taste in his mouth. “The guy’s head over heels for someone else.”

Jaebum punched Jackson in the arm, mortified. “Dude! What the hell?”

Jackson shrugged. “It’s true.”

“Then why are you paying for his meals?” Hani asked innocuously, interrupting their little spat. She sipped at her coke.

“Lost a bet,” Jackson grumbled.

“Ah, boys,” Hani rolled her eyes. She then proceeded to rest her head on Mark’s shoulder, clutching his arm against her chest. Jackson watched idly how his bicep fit nicely between her breasts.

“Maybe you should just date girls then,” Jackson said, not realizing that his emotions were not his own. As soon as the words were out, his brain decided to crosscheck and rationalize. Echoing the sentence back at himself, he realized how inappropriate his comment was. His eyes flew up to Hani’s surprised face. “Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean—.”

But Hani only laughed, waving her hand to dispel the tension. “Don’t worry about it. You’re kinda funny, you know.”

Jackson felt Yugyeom stiffen beside him, and he elbowed him to nonverbally tell him he was being an idiot to even consider Jackson as competition.

“Class clown, I know,” Jackson brushed off.

“No,” Hani squinted at him, not letting him fall back on his crutch. “There’s something deeper to you that you won’t tell anyone about. You’re almost… wise about other people, like you have a sense of—.”

“You’re reading too much into something that isn’t there. That being his brain,” Jaebum joked, eager to change the conversation to protect Jackson’s secret.

“You’re right. I have to talk to so many old businessmen that my perception gets fried. They always want something from me, you know? But Jackson,” she turned her attention back to her first target, “what do you want? Not from me, I take it, but just what is it?”

“I don’t want anything. I’m perfectly fine. I’m happy,” Jackson glanced between the people around him nervously, wondering why Hani was focusing on him specifically.

“Are you truly? Are you sure it’s your happiness and not that of the people around you?”

Jackson jolted back, chair scraping against the tiles. “It’s getting really hot in here. I’m going to get some air.”

Jackson pushed off the attempts to hold him back, walking swiftly out the door and into the frigid night. He buried his hands into his jean pockets, wishing he had brought his sweatshirt. It was definitely approaching winter now. He stared at the glow of the closing supermarkets across the street while wondering what the fuck just happened in there. There was something in Hani’s eyes telling him that she grasped more of his condition than she let on.

The bell jangled behind him, and Jackson automatically assumed Jaebum had come out to check on him.

“Do you think she knows?” he asked.

“Knows what?” 

Jackson jumped. That wasn’t Jaebum’s voice. It was sharper, less monotonous. He spun around, coming face to face with none other than Mark. Jackson studied his features for a second too long, the curved nose, the bitten lips.

“Ah, uh… the weather lady,” Jackson scrambled for an answer. “Do you think she knew how fricken cold it would be tonight and didn’t let anyone know?”

“It’s always colder at night. No sun.”

“Right, aren’t you a proper genius.”

“You asked.”

“It was rhetorical.”

They stared at each other, deeply shadowed by the single streetlamp overhead, each waiting to see the other’s hand. Jackson blew out a breath, and the steam shimmered between them before evaporating into the air.

“Who are you running from?” Mark asked, voice soft even in the silence.

“I’m not running from anyone.”

“You came out here for a reason. Was it what Hani said? She can be a little insensitive sometimes, I know, but she means well.”

“You don’t need to defend your girlfriend. I know she must be an angel on earth to get a guy like you,” Jackson felt a curious emotion splinter inside of Mark but ignored it. “I’m not doubting her character. There’s just a lot of tension inside there and I needed to get out.”

“Then you mean with Yugyeom?” Mark tilted his head.

“You know?” Jackson stared at him disbelievingly.

“Sure, who wouldn’t notice another guy staring at their girlfriend?”

“But you weren’t concerned at all when they were talking back at the party? Why didn’t you do anything?”

“Who Hani talks to is her prerogative.”

“And if Yugyeom steals her away?”

Mark turned away from Jackson’s gaze. “If you’re cold, then let’s go back inside. The food’s here,” he said simply before walking back inside.

Jackson was left confused by the lack of jealousy in Mark’s aura. Instead, the emotion present was something akin to pride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are so many emotions going on everywhere right now, but Mark's are the most confusing @.@
> 
> Btw hani is like exid hani basically in looks only… I don’t know her well enough to actually write her personality or anything in depth. Also, in case of future drama, I don’t want to write her actual person in a bad light. That's also why I've been including nameless OCs instead of other idols. 
> 
> Also a reminder of how beautiful Mark's hair is when it's styled up: https://www.instagram.com/p/BeB-uPfDMae/?taken-by=caelestria_0904  
> (i.e. me plugging my ig haha)


	4. Freak

Monday at school, Jackson felt a buzz of emotion circle around the classroom as Mark entered first period. Confused, he turned to face Mark, and his eyes widened in surprise. He felt the collective curiosity and interest of the room filter into his senses. Mark had his pack securely on his back, walking to his seat with a silent stoic expression as per usual. However, his hair was different. Instead of letting the strands fall untouched onto his head, today he styled it up and off his forehead like at the party. When Mark reached his seat, he faced up and caught Jackson staring. Jackson didn’t even have time to turn away when he was trapped by the intensity of Mark’s eyes coupled with his straight eyebrows. Mark nodded at him, and Jackson creakily returned the gesture.

Gradually the attention of the room shifted away from where Jackson was joking around with a few guy friends and to the new look of the quiet kid. Jackson overheard a couple girls sitting to his right giggling, each daring the other to talk to Mark. Jackson looked up in time to witness an unrelated third girl actually buck up and do it. 

Jackson felt Mark’s blasting nervousness from across the room. His aura was different from when he was with Hani, and the new set of emotions had Jackson worried. He stared hard at their lips, trying to decipher their conversation but to no avail.

Jooheon nudged him. “Didn’t you talk to that guy before in English class? How come he changed his hair?”

Jackson shrugged, getting off of his desk so that he could face the front of the room and away from Mark. It didn’t help him avoid the guy any more; he could still feel everything.

 

Although the composition of next period changed, the general sentiment of the class did not. The majority was awed by the newfound beauty of Mark Tuan. Several already introduced themselves and apologized for not doing so until now. Jackson futilely carved into his desk with his pencil, wondering if this was again related what Mark was saying about people being fake. That they did not care about Mark until they realized he was attractive under his silence.

“Dude, I didn’t think he’d show up to school looking like that too,” Jaebum said, clattering into the seat beside him. He had a further distance to walk across the school from his last class than Jackson. His chair squeaked against the tiles as he pulled in.

Jackson shrugged again. Something about this whole ordeal just depressed him, and he couldn’t place where that feeling was coming from. He looked around the room, but the emotion did not explicitly show on anyone’s face.

“Didn’t you tell him his hair looked better like this?”

“I just said it looked nice,” Jackson grumbled, falling onto his folded arms on the desk. His lips were set in a pout.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t know. It’s probably because we have a lab today. I just feel down. It’ll pass when we change classes.”

“Whatever you say.”

 

Two classes later of watching Mark being flocked like breadcrumbs at the duck pond, Jackson still felt the same. Jackson could clearly feel Mark’s nervous excitement at talking to new people, but it was offset by something even stronger, which was strange. Usually no one else’s emotions overpowered Mark’s. 

Jackson sat at the lunch table with the usual suspects. Jaebum was already engaged, talking to one of the other guys, and Jackson didn’t feel like talking at all, strangely enough. He stared out the window into the hallway outside the cafeteria. Forking food into his mouth, he distractedly gazed out at the people passing by. He tried to drown himself in the multitude of people surrounding him, but there was just something off.

“Hey, about the money I owe you…” Jaebum began, nudging Jackson in the side. He had borrowed money for lunch during passing period after Chemistry.

“Yeah, yeah. Just give it to me tomorrow.”

A swish of white caught Jackson’s eye. He looked closely to see Mark walk by on his path to the library. He brightened a little, setting down his fork. He wondered if he should go catch up to him and invite him to eat together. But then a girl came running up to him, bouncing in all the right ways. She clung onto his arm, saying something excitedly. Jackson squinted, focusing on her face. With a severe drop of his stomach, he realized it was the ex girlfriend of Andy, a girl known for being promiscuous. 

Jackson watched in mild horror as Mark allowed himself to be pulled along with her, going the opposite direction of the library.

“Hey is Jessica dating anyone?” Jackson asked the table numbly. He wondered what they were feeling. He was too far—and separated by a wall—to detect anything. He couldn’t even see their expressions clearly.

“You seriously asking, given how she’s fucking half the basketball team? I don’t think anyone would touch her.”

“Maybe if they didn’t know,” Jackson responded under his breath. Mark had just transferred in. No one bothered to include him into his or her circles. He had one friend who he probably rarely talked to. Then there was Jackson, but he didn’t like to gossip profusely. How could Mark know?

 

In English, there was a substitute for their actual teacher, so Jinyoung gave them time to work on their projects. Jackson pulled up a chair, still feeling as down as this morning, maybe even worse. Mark seemed to be in a good mood. As they took out their paperbacks, Jackson was shaken back to when he had given the novel to Mark in the first place. Mark wore the same golden aura, and Jackson felt sick. 

“Is something wrong?” Mark asked after ten moments too long of silence.

“No, why?” Jackson asked, wiping his palms on his pants while he refused to meet Mark’s eyes. He worried his face would reveal his mental state, whatever that might be.

“You’re normally going off until we’re deaf in the ears. Are you still um…mad at me?”

“About what?”

“About…what we were talking about at my pool. I really want to make it up to you. I’m sorry if—.”

“No, I don’t care.” Jackson felt Mark’s hurt at his brusque response. “You already apologized enough.”

“Oh.”

“So um I saw you with Jessica during lunch.”

“Yeah, she seems like a nice girl. Said she wanted to get to know me better or something.”

Jackson actually snorted at that.

“What?”

“Of course she’s nice. She wants to get in your pants,” Jackson said offhandedly, but Mark responded with a red flush. It spread hot and dense, fueled by a recent memory. He looked up to find Mark’s ears red. “You did not.”

“I—,” Mark began but his voice faltered.

“You’re in a relationship,” Jackson underscored, eyes wide in disbelief.

“It’s an open relationship,” Mark muttered. This time he was the one who couldn’t meet Jackson’s eyes, but his words seemed truthful enough. “She’s free to be with whoever she wants to be with. Since I changed schools, this arrangement was just…convenient for the both of us.”

There it was: a slight increase in anxiety that proved Mark wasn’t telling the whole truth. The vague assurances that Mark wasn’t being unfaithful didn’t attend to how Jackson felt his heart break with disillusionment. 

“Then I take it that what you told me about how you met her…that was a lie?”

“Somewhat.”

“Then how?”

“I met her in a threesome. There was another model from my dad’s company there. She invited me.”

Jackson blanched. “And then?”

“And then she called me back to do it again, alone.”

“And you realized your compatibility?”

“Um,” Mark considered something, teetering on the edge. He gave up. “Yeah, something like that.”

“That’s why you wouldn’t be upset if Yugyeom took her away?”

“Uh, that’s… different.”

“Okay… so then with Jessica, you still…”

“I didn’t, actually.”

“You didn’t?”

“She pushed me into a closet, but nothing happened.”

“How does nothing happen in a fucking closet?” Jackson didn’t mean to let the curse word slip out so soon, but his emotions were running out of his control.

“Okay, well there was some… touching, but then we heard someone approaching and decided to postpone.”

“So you’ll do stuff later,” Jackson said, censuring his words with childish expressions.

Mark bit his lip as if seriously considering it. “I don’t think so. She overdid the dirty talk, and it just made everything feel like a bad porno.”

“She’s definitely as experienced as a pornstar, in any case.”

Mark barked out a laugh that had Jackson reeling in pride. “Seriously? Wow, I dodged a bullet there then. I didn’t even let her kiss me.”

“What a player,” Jackson teased back with the lighter mood. “Skipping bases like that.”

“I don’t want to catch anything,” Mark reasoned. 

“Says the guy who participates in threesomes.”

“I almost got dragged into an orgy once,” Mark noted, and Jackson gave him a look. “No, I did not participate. I’m trying to express my… decency?”

“Restraint?”

“Yeah, that. I am capable of refusing, you know. What the hell do you think of me anyway?”

“Well.”

“Seriously, my limit would probably be four. Art school is just crazy, you know. It’s like summer camp. Everyone is fucking everyone.”

“I thought that was just a myth.”

“Some myths are based on the truth.” 

“You’re kind of a freak,” Jackson commented.

“As much as you’re a prude,” Mark shot back.

“Okay, truce.”

Mark began to run his fingers through his hair but remembered that there was product stiffening the strands at the last moment. He wiped his fingers on his pants. “You know, everyone was talking about my hair today, except you… You were the first not to.”

“I need to be different.”

“You are different.”

“Hey!”

“I didn’t mean it as a bad thing,” Mark said, leaning his head on his hand. “It’s really not.”

“I already complimented you at the party,” Jackson mumbled, reeling the conversation back. He felt a familiar twinge of disappointment and looked at Mark. His face was passive, but the corners of his mouth turned down a tad more than normal. It was his disappointment; Jackson considered the flavor like a taste on his tongue. “Did you… ah… want me to compliment you again? ‘Cause nothing’s changed. You still look good. You’d look good no matter what.”

“Thanks,” Mark said dryly, but his emotions were brighter than his sarcastic tone. 

“I might prefer your other hairstyle though,” Jackson said, running on this fluffy feeling. “Less people talked to you then. I feel like I’d stand more of a chance.”

Mark laughed a little too loudly, and Jinyoung came by to scold them for not working. They hid their smiles behind their books. The class period ended faster than expected, and Jackson realized that he had never asked Mark what was on his mind since leaving that party, as he was currently too distracted by the strange emotion hanging over his head all day. What happened between him and Hani while Jackson was drunk, half-falling down the stairs?

 

 

The next day, Mark’s hair was back to normal, but the class was not. It was like the nerdy anime character that finally took off their glasses and was revealed to be a hidden beauty. Now that everyone knew of the attractive features that lay hidden under the shadow of Mark’s bangs, there was no reprieve. Jackson noticed with mild distaste that there was already a girl leaning over Mark’s desk, chatting him up before the day had even awoken. Mark didn’t notice Jackson walk in, too distracted. 

Jackson stormed over to his desk, dropping his books louder than necessary. He was already pissed off, and he didn’t know why. He glared at the people around the room, wondering who it was that was feeling unnecessarily angry this early in the morning. 

Jaebum popped into Jackson’s class, dropping a few crumpled bills onto his desk and then plopping his butt on there too. Jackson frowned at the thighs that were now occupying most of his desk. He looked up at Jaebum’s proud face in confusion.

“What is this?”

“The money I owed you.”

“Thanks,” Jackson grumbled. He smoothed the bills while keeping his head down and placed them into his wallet. Jaebum, however, noticed Jackson’s demeanor nonetheless.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Jaebum looked around the room, noticing how there wasn’t a crowd around Jackson as usual. 

Jackson lowered his voice. “Someone’s feeling all angry and weird, and it’s making me pissed off as well.”

Jaebum’s eyebrows furrowed. “How long have you been feeling this way?”

“It’s been on and off since yesterday I think.”

“No one seems mad around here,” Jaebum said slowly, allowing the words to sink in. “So this emotion… Are you sure that isn’t just you?”

Jackson was lost for words, but the warning bell sounded, rocketing Jaebum off his desk and out of the room at light speed. Jackson slumped back into his chair, more confounded than anything, and thus the anger faded as it was replaced. It really was his own emotion.

 

“You like him,” Jaebum assessed, munching on a fry during lunch. The cafeteria was loud around them, and his words were drowned to everyone outside their vicinity.

“I do not!” Jackson protested, annoyed with how amused Jaebum was.

“You are so fucking smitten with that kid. What are you even saying? Just ask him out, and get it over with.”

“No way, he’s in a relationship.”

“An open one, as you said.”

Jackson cursed, forgetting about his late night call with Jaebum where he recounted everything Mark had told him in an attempt to file his thoughts into reasonable cabinets. He wished he had never done it, but he always told Jaebum everything anyway.

“Listen,” Jaebum continued. “It’d be perfect. You get Mark and Yugyeom gets Hani. Happily ever after. You can thank this fairy godmother.”

“Still, there’s no way I can do that. What if he isn’t gay? Then he’d freak out that a guy is trying to pick him up. What then? Then I’d freak out too, of course, because fuck me and this fucking weird ability I have. It’d be an absolute mess, the catastrophe of the century! Two almost grown ass men running around freaking out like headless chickens!”

Jaebum sighed, so done with Jackson’s dramatics. “At least you’re admitting it now.”

“I’ve admitted nothing!”

Jinyoung walked past then on his monitor duty. “Stop yelling inside the building, Jackson.”

Jackson felt as Jaebum perked up beside him, budding a deep red hue on his cheeks. 

“Jinyoung, are you free after school ends today?”

Jackson looked at Jaebum in confusion. He was supposed to drive him home afterschool. Was he just going to ditch him for a date? Jackson was about to protest when Jaebum grabbed his arm to wordlessly silence him.

Jinyoung paused where he was walking and crossed his arms across his chest. “It’s Mr. Park to you, Im Jaebum. Plus, I still have those quizzes to grade. I’m on my last batch today so I can hand them back in class tomorrow.”

“Then you have to be free tomorrow. I’ll take you out anywhere you want to go. We can go to a coffee shop. I want to read some of the poetry you’ve been writing. How about it?”

Jackson looked between the two, wondering where Jaebum found the time to chat with Jinyoung about his personal work. As he glanced to the side, he noticed a pink flush coloring Jinyoung’s aura. Their emotions were making Jackson feel warm inside. He couldn’t stop the smile spreading on his face, so he picked up his sandwich to hide behind it.

“Fine since you keep insisting, but I’m writing it off as a tutoring session,” Jinyoung hissed. 

“Of course, _Mr. Park_ ,” Jaebum grinned. “If I had to pay to spend time with you, I would.”

Jinyoung rolled his eyes. “If that is all, I have to go back to my rounds.”

Jaebum gave a little wave and wink as farewell. His eyes remained on Jinyoung as he walked off, treasuring every movement. Suddenly, he whipped back around to face Jackson.

“Did you notice how he never talks to any of the other students? Only us,” Jaebum insisted.

“With that mindset, he would be vying over me, not you. He always comes here to scold me.”

“Oh, come on. You must have felt something from him. You’re all smiles even now. You can’t lie. I can basically read everyone else’s emotions off of your face. I’ve known you for so long.”

“No way. It’s all just you,” Jackson lied. One, he didn’t want to give Jinyoung away. Second, he didn’t want the pride to get to Jaebum’s head. It would be better if he suffered a little bit for the sake of the universe.

However, the longer Jackson dwelled on their shared pink curiosity, the further he was confused. It was an instance of his thoughts drawing back to Mark, as they tended to quite often recently. With that pink tint spreading over his mental image of Mark, he knew that Jaebum was correct, that he might really be done for. However, at the same time, he realized that Mark and Hani did not share this sentiment of affection. Although they painted the picture perfectly on the outside with their pointed, but not excessive, PDA, Jackson did not feel any of the, well… love.

 

 

Wednesday, Mark and Jackson walked back to his home together to work on their project. Jackson was bubbling with thousands of questions he was begging to ask. However, he knew it was not wise to let the biggest one just slip past his lips, so he settled for something smaller.

“So your parents run a modeling company?”

“They own it.”

“Then you’ve done some modeling too?”

They crossed the street and were coming up the block of Mark’s house. Jackson was already familiar with the neighborhood: the fountain in front of the second house, the large tree that looked so climbable, the red sports car across the street.

“Yeah, here and there for lesser stuff. I’m not really interested. If I had to, I’d rather design the clothes other models wear. I don’t like being under the flashing lights like that, and I’m no good at interviews.”

“With your looks, it would be a shame not to model.”

Mark flashed him a ‘really?’ look as they walked up the inclined driveway. “You keeping making it out as if I’m some stunning heartthrob.”

“You definitely make my heart throb,” Jackson teased cheekily.

“If you don’t stop, I’m going to make your face throb,” Mark threatened, but Jackson knew he was only joking.

“You can try. I’ve been told I’m hard to catch.” Jackson gasped. “Ah, speaking of! There’s a home game this Friday. I’d love, love, _love_ it if you came to watch!”

Mark unlocked his front door. “That again? I don’t know…”

“Come on, it’ll be like reliving your memories with your grandma at the Lakers game. I mean, I know we don’t stand a chance up against the big league players like that, but… please? I’ll even treat you to a meal later!” Jackson clapped his hands together as if praying and gave Mark his best puppy eyes. Mark stared down at him, and Jackson could tell his expression was already softening.

“Fine.” Then Mark smiled. “That means you owe me one.”

“One _meal_ ,” Jackson clarified, slipping off his shoes to chase Mark who was bounding up the stairs.

 

They ended their work session on their backs on top of Mark’s bed. The sun was still high in the sky. There was not much work to be done since their given in-class project work time had been fairly productive. Jackson was replying to Yugyeom’s text message inviting him to go bowl that Sunday when Mark flipped over onto his stomach. He rested his head on his arms as he stared at Jackson’s focused face. 

“You’re so popular. I don’t think your phone has stopped buzzing.”

“It’s mostly Snapchat,” Jackson brushed off. He hit send and closed his phone. “My friends like to send me pictures of them doing random shit.”

“You should add me,” Mark suggested, tilting his head. “Though I don’t post much on my story.”

Jackson’s heart pounded with how cute Mark looked staring at him so innocently. Although he knew that image did not quite coincide with Mark’s true background, he was still as much of a sucker as before. 

“Sure, if you don’t mind. I think I post too much.” Jackson switched to the app, opening up his Snap barcode. “Oh and try not to send me any nudes when I’m in public.”

“You think you’d be so lucky.”

Mark scanned the Snapcode onto his phone, and they waited for their contacts to load. 

“Wangpuppy852?” Mark asked incredulously, laughing.

“Don’t judge, mtuan93. So boring.”

“It’s just my name!” Mark defended.

“Exactly, it’s just your name,” Jackson proved.

“Then what would you make my username?”

“Would you change it if I give you a better one?” Jackson challenged.

“No, you can’t change your username. So just tell me, Mr. Creative.”

Jackson mused. “Maybe something with bunnies or kittens.”

Mark propped himself up on his elbow to better hold Jackson’s gaze. “I’m more of a dog person, and my dad always called me little cock anyway.”

Jackson sputtered on his own saliva at that. If he had been drinking water, the liquid would have been sprayed everywhere like a bad slapstick comedy. 

“What?” he exclaimed, choking down a laugh.

“Well, it’s more of Little Rooster, xiao gongji. Bad translation,” Mark sighed. “Do you see why I never went down the animal route when making a username?”

“No way. You speak Chinese?” Jackson asked, so caught up on that new fact.

“Just a little,” Mark blushed. “That’s the only way I’ve been surviving third period Mandarin.”

“I was born in Hong Kong, hence the 852. Then I moved here when I was six. So I actually do speak…” 

“Hey, then what are you doing in that class? That’s totally cheating,” Mark complained. 

Jackson cheekily stuck his tongue out. Then he mentally backtracked to what they were talking about previously before he got distracted explaining his ancestry. “So…Little Cock, huh?”

“It’s not actually.”

“You don’t have to lie,” Jackson grinned, eager to tease him. “We’re all men here. It’s okay if you’re just getting girls because of your face—.”

“It’s not small. And I told you to stop it with my looks.”

“Then prove it,” Jackson egged on, maybe a little too eagerly. He bit his lip, waiting for Mark’s reaction, but the latter only rolled his eyes.

“Well if they were only into my face, they wouldn’t be asking for seconds,” Mark pointed out.

Jackson snorted. “You say that like you’re a dish of lasagna. Besides, you could be really good at what you do and average-sized.”

“I never said I was huge. I’m just not small.”

“There’s a whole range between not small and huge,” Jackson complained, secretly hoping for Mark to show him.

“Why are you so interested in my dick anyway?”

Jackson froze, taken aback and unsure how to answer. “Uh… it’s just general curiosity. You know, like how girls compare boob size.”

“The only time I’ve compared dick size with a guy was in bed.”

“We are in bed,” Jackson said; suddenly, he found it difficult to breathe.

“In bed with another girl or two,” Mark clarified, and the mood was shattered. 

“Right, it’s not gay if it’s a threeway,” Jackson said blandly. He leaned back from where he was subconsciously tilting toward Mark. This time it was just his own disappointment filling his senses. In silence, Jackson stared up at Mark’s ceiling, mind drifting back to the party where he and Mark similarly lay in bed while talking about mundane whatever. “That guy, from your theatre class or whatever, who walked in on us talking. Last time you dodged the question. You never explained who he is.”

“He’s nobody. I doubt you’ll ever run into him again.”

“But he’s still someone significant enough in your life.”

“Are we digging deep?” Mark rested his head against his arm, cheek squishing toward his eye.

“If you’re willing.” Jackson shimmied down the bed to lie at eye level with Mark.

Mark sighed. “It’s not too complicated. We and some other guys used to have a business around school, but well, nonaffiliated businesses are not allowed on campus so we were going to get suspended. They sold me out. He was the ringleader of their little mutiny. My dad transferred me out before it would show up on my school record, so it wasn’t a big deal. I even got to take the rest of the quarter off.”

“But you guys were friends!” Jackson cried. “How could he betray you like that? He’s surely the lowest of the low. Friends need to stick up for each other no matter what.”

“That’s sweet, but the world doesn’t work like that.” Mark readjusted, turning to face Jackson more. Their faces were only a few inches apart. There was nowhere else to look except at each other. “That guy, he… He confessed to me a week before it happened. He told me he loved me, and I said that I couldn’t return his feelings. That was probably why he was so bitter when he ran into us that night; he thought we were messing around.”

“But he was with a girl.”

Mark laughed then; it was dry. “Oh, yeah. You wouldn’t even believe what he told me then. He said that he wasn’t even gay, but that there was something about me that turned him on. ‘Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, / And therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.’”

“He quoted Shakespeare to you?”

“He was a prick. And he wanted my ass.”

“It is a nice ass,” Jackson said, reaching around Mark to pinch a cheek, incidentally pulling their bodies closer.

Mark jolted but did not move away. He simply cast Jackson an exasperated look. “Not you too.”

“It was just a joke,” Jackson tried to laugh off. However, he knew the truth of his actions. It really was him too. 

 

 

The next two days passed in a similar haze. Jackson and Mark developed a tentative friendship suspended on matchsticks. If something rubbed them the wrong way, the whole structure threatened to burst into flames. Yet, Jackson seemed intent on pushing things past their visible limits, asking inappropriate questions and trying to gauge Mark’s stance on homosexuality. So far, he had gotten nowhere that he wanted to go. 

Friday was the day of the game. Jackson nudged him basically every class period to remind him to attend that night. Mark rolled his eyes but promised each time. That was another aspect that drew Jackson in. Although there were certain edges to Mark that were sharper than most, he was still incredibly patient with Jackson. And Jackson simply adored that attention, especially since it was coming from Mark.

“You wanna go see if he’s out there in the crowd?” Jaebum asked while they changed in the locker room. He stripped off his shirt and pulled on his jersey.

“No, he said he’s going to be here so I trust him,” Jackson responded, checking that his laces were tight.

“Wow, you’re already so dedicated, and you aren’t even dating yet. I can’t wait until I’m the best man.”

“Shut up,” Jackson said, punching Jaebum in the arm. “I’m pretty sure he’s straight, and he’s also, you know, _in a relationship_.”

“That’s just because you haven’t played your cards right. You have to seduce him.”

“What? How would I—? I can’t just push him against a wall and grind up on him!”

“Exactly! Okay, well not that aggressively, but you have to make him see you as more than just a friend.”

“No way. Seriously, there’s no fucking way. He is leagues more experienced than I am. I’ll just look like a god damn idiot.”

“This is why you two aren’t getting anywhere,” Jaebum sighed. 

Jaebum’s aura briefly tinted red, and Jackson assumed he was thinking about Jinyoung. He was about to interrogate him about what happened during their date slash tutoring session when he was interrupted 

“Whatever, let’s go,” Jaebum said. “The coach is calling for us to line up.”

They walked out onto the court, squinting a little at the bright lights. The crowd came to life, cheering and stomping their feet in the stands. Jackson couldn’t help but scan the bleachers for a sign of that pretty face. He found Mark with his hair done up again, sitting in the middle row, not too far up and not too close down. He was standing along with everyone else, almost swallowed by the giant sitting in the row ahead of him. 

Jackson jumped up and down, waving to him, but Mark only looked around before giving Jackson a little nod as if afraid he was actually greeting someone else. Little did he know that Jackson wasn’t looking at anyone else. 

The two teams lined up in the middle as Andy and the tallest player from the rival team stood facing each other. The referee held the ball, ready to throw it up for anyone’s grabs at any second. The whistle blew, and the game commenced.

The game was fairly easy. Jackson made all the baskets he attempted, and the clock ticked to halftime with no stress. He thought the other team looked tired since the beginning. Maybe it was the travel time. He watched the other coach switch out his members for those on the bench. Jackson’s eyes wandered back to the crowd, searching for Mark again. He caught Mark already looking at him and blushed imperceptibly under the flush of running around for an hour.

“Hey, isn’t that Mark’s girlfriend?” Jaebum asked, scaring Jackson who was so lost staring at Mark. He jumped, eyes flickering to Jaebum for a second before turning back to see what he meant. Sure enough, beside Mark, with her hair now dyed a bright auburn, was his model girlfriend.

“Y-yeah, think so,” Jackson said, turning his back to them before they could see his scowl. After managing others’ emotions inside of him for so long, it was surprisingly difficult to control his own. He never asked Mark to bring his girlfriend along. But he also had to admit that he never told him _not_ to.

The second half of the game was significantly more difficult. Jackson began to feel the fatigue wearing into his muscles. The presence of the larger, more refreshed players facing him was also doing nothing for his morale. Perhaps this was some twisted play by the coach to bring down the opponent’s guard before switching to stronger players. However, that was a dangerous game to play. Given the time left on the board, they were still safely in the lead by ten points.

That was until Jackson’s eyes wandered back to where Mark and Hani were sitting comfortably against each other, arm securely wrapped around her shoulders. Two opponents slipped past Jackson’s guard and they secured a three-pointer. Jackson slipped up a couple more times, and then they were only leading by two points. There were only seconds left on the board, and Jackson’s heart was pounding in his ears. Three roads branched out before him: win, lose, or tie. The tension of the crowd was bleeding into him, but he focused his mind on his teammates. 

Today, he had something to prove; he was playing for more than the adrenaline rush and the grain of the basketball against his palms. He had eyes on him that could wreck him with the right stare. Jackson cautioned a glance up and was reassured by the fact that Mark was watching him. Although his hands were all over someone else’s body, his focus was on Jackson. Jackson could live with that much. 

The play resumed. The opposing team took the ball, dribbling it down the court until Jaebum intercepted, stealing the ball and passing it to Jackson. There were five seconds left, and Jackson was running. The ball left his hand and bounced back up like it was a ghostly extension of his arm. Since Jackson was shorter, he managed to weave around the other players, ducking under their arms.

Jackson made it past the three-point line. He lifted his arms to throw, knees bent, when someone jumped in front of his line of vision. But the ball was already in the air, arcing up toward the basket. Jackson could hear his heart pounding the halves of every second ticking down on the clock. The ball hit the rim of the basket, swirling around before gravity took it down through the hoop. The crowd’s cheer was instantaneous, louder than the drop of the basketball against the wooden floor, overpowering the buzzer that signaled the end of the game. 

Jackson was swarmed by his teammates before he even knew what was happening. There were arms around him and suddenly he was being lifted up into the air. Their celebration was short-lived. Their coach wrangled them up to do the final line up. After bowing, they were free to go, but Jackson took the time to talk to each of the opposing team’s members. He gave them compliments and thanked them for a good game. Jaebum had to drag him away when they began clearing the court. 

“Jackson!” a girl called out.

Jackson turned toward the sound of the voice, head whipping around as he scanned the moving crowd for the source. The girl called his name again, and Jackson turned left to see Hani dragging Mark down to the court. The remaining heat from the game seemed to drain out of him, leaving him cold and dry. He was brittle, ready to break in an instant’s touch.

“Hey,” he said, nodding to the both of them. His eyes lingered on Mark, not that he would admit to it.

“Hi,” Mark smiled. “It was a good game. You got the last basket.”

“With my help,” Jaebum barged in, slinging an arm around Jackson and exposing him to his armpit sweat. 

“Gross!” Jackson cried out, batting Jaebum’s arm away while pinching his nose.

But Jaebum only laughed. “There’s an after party in like half an hour if you guys want to tag along.”

Hani’s eyes lit up while Mark looked hesitant.

“Mark, let’s go. It sounds like fun.”

Mark glanced at Hani for a second before answering back to Jaebum, “Sure, why not?”

“We’re going to go shower first. Then we’ll meet you guys back out here,” Jaebum said, pulling Jackson away before he made a fool of himself. 

And Jackson really was about to. That pinkness between Mark and Hani that was missing from their previous interactions was present. It was fluffing up the atmosphere like white clouds on the horizon. It must have been from the sports game; the vicarious adrenaline shot up their arousal. Who knows what they would do afterwards if given time alone.

Jackson stormed into the locker room, accidentally slamming the door against the stopper on the wall. He ransacked his locker for his things, turning too quickly and almost running into Andy on his way to the showers. 

“Oh, shit. Sorry, man,” Jackson said.

“It’s cool. Hey, did you really invite that hot chick to the party?” Andy asked, surprising Jackson with his lack of temper. 

“The hot chick?”

“Yeah, the one with the red hair.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess. But she’s taken.”

“What?” he drawled. “No fair. Oh well, I think Jessica’s coming too.”

“Dude, don’t go there,” Jackson advised, slipping into friend-mode instantly with the pleasant mood wafting off of Andy. Winning always put Andy in a good mood, and their tension from before seemed to dry out with time. “Last time, you only got hurt.”

“It’s just that…” Andy leaned against the lockers. Jackson felt his internal conflict. “Every time I’m with her, it’s like I’m the only one in the room. Her eyes are on me and only me. You have no idea what it’s like to feel that way.”

“You’re right,” Jackson said, but his mind simultaneously shot to how Mark stared at him on the court. He believed he did know what that felt like. “I’ll catch up with you later, okay? I need to go shower this sweat off.”

Jackson stepped into the muggy shower area, feeling more moisture bead on his skin. He rinsed off, using soap in all the important areas. He came out with a towel around his hips, not feeling any more refreshed. He could still vividly picture the inflamed auras around Mark and Hani, and he desperately did not want to imagine what they would be doing right then if they had left together.

Jaebum grabbed Jackson’s elbow as he exited the locker room, restraining him from wandering down the halls aimlessly.

“Are you okay? You don’t look like you’re all there.”

“I think I’m angry,” Jackson said, meeting Jaebum’s eyes.

“I can tell. You’re glaring at me like I disrespected your mother.”

Jackson rubbed his eyes. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jaebum ruffled his hair, pulling him along. “I know you’re just jealous.”

“I am not,” Jackson protested. 

However, when Jackson pulled his fists away from his eyes, he felt that very emotion claw through his chest and personally strangle the air out of his lungs. Hani had Mark pinned against the wall. She was doing everything that Jackson told Jaebum he couldn’t. With hurt boiling dangerously in his veins, he began thinking that maybe he just could. If he could just shove her away…

“Hey, I told you guys to wait in here because it’s quieter, not so you could suck off each other’s faces,” Jaebum called out as they approached.

Mark was the one who pulled away; the wet smack was audible from where Jackson stood with his arms crossed. Mark had the decency to blush as he apologized, but Jackson wasn’t listening. It was one thing to mentally accept that Mark was in a relationship; it was another thing entirely to witness it, to _feel_ the red heat radiating off of their bodies. It was especially worse after coming to terms with his own feelings.

Jackson stormed ahead to the parking lot while Jaebum tried to act as some sort of mediator. He told Mark to just follow behind his car. Jackson waited in the passenger seat after slamming the door shut while Jaebum finished telling them the general direction. 

Jaebum got in and started up the engine. “I know you’re angry, but you don’t have to break my car in the process.” He pulled out of the parking lot, waiting for Mark’s black Mercedes to follow.

“Why did you invite them?” Jackson asked, still staring straight ahead at nothing. 

“I thought it would be therapeutic.”

“Seriously?”

“No, I wanted to give you a better chance with Mark, you idiot. Talk to him tonight. Get him drunk. Get him alone. I don’t care.”

“We already talked, and he has trauma with gay people. This isn’t going to work.”

“People or person?”

“Person,” Jackson gave.

“Okay, well you are a different person from that person. Show him that.”

Jackson groaned, sliding lower into his seat. He couldn’t get the image of Hani’s hand disappearing between their entwined bodies out of his head; he couldn’t shake the feeling of their mutual arousal. He wished he could even have a brush of how Mark felt in his pants, of how Mark would feel in response to _his_ touch.

 

Jackson saw the muted lights flashing from behind the curtains. Thankfully, the music couldn’t be heard from outside. They waited for Mark and Hani to join them before heading for the front door. Jackson was blasted with hip-hop music as soon as the door opened. One of the guys from the team was there to welcome him in, forcing a shot into his hand, claiming it was his gift for the winning shot. The guy had laughed at his own pun. Jackson swallowed the drink down, grimacing at the burn of cheap alcohol sliding down his throat. 

“Hey, you guys gotta go to the living room. It’s basically a dance floor. The girls are grinding on _everyone_.” He nudged Jackson in the arm and said, totally conspicuously, “Maybe you can finally score one in _that_ field.”

“He’ll be just fine hanging out with us,” Mark stepped in.

The guy cast him a look before backing off, “Suit yourself.” He slipped back into the camouflage of the party. 

“You shouldn’t feel pressured into doing anything you don’t feel comfortable with,” Mark whispered in his ear before Jackson could even wonder if Mark spoke out because he was jealous. Answer: he wasn’t.

“He was just joking. You don’t have to be such a hardass,” Jackson snapped, overcome with mental fatigue at the relentless volatility of his mood today. He had gone from excitement to disappointment so quickly and so often that he lost count. He didn’t know why he even held onto hope that their relationship would evolve into one of romance. It only hurt him every time the fact of Mark’s heterosexuality was shoved into his face until he felt like he was suffocating.

“I think I’m actually going to go over,” Jackson said to their little group, wanting some time alone and away from his source of stress.

Jaebum instantly understood the look in his eye. “I’ll go see if they have beers in the fridge.”

“I’ll go with you!” Hani piped up, looking at Jaebum. Maybe she apprehended the tension in his shoulders as well. She did seem to have an intuitive notion to her. 

But Mark didn’t. “I’m going with you,” he said to Jackson. There was a wary look in his eye, as if he were worried about him. 

“You don’t have to.”

“I want to.”

Jackson internally sighed, but he couldn’t shove Mark away even if he wanted to, which really he never seriously wanted to. So Mark followed him toward the living room. As soon as they entered the vicinity, Andy snatched him up.

“Dude, you’re the motherfucking star of the night. Do you have any idea how many girls want your dick right now?” he stared at Jackson with blown eyes; he’s probably been smoking. “Go on the stage and dance. I know you want to. I fucking know you, man.”

Jackson looked to where the stage was. It was the coffee table. There were a couple of girls on there, twerking to the song blaring from the speakers. 

“There’s no way,” Jackson shook his head, but Andy kept pulling him forward into the crowd.

“Come on! Do your sexy dance!”

“I’m not drunk enough for this,” Jackson grumbled, but he could already feel the intoxication of the people in the room seeping into his head. 

But Andy didn’t know that. He yelled for someone to get Jackson a shot, prompting several heads to turn his way. Eyes lit up, the closest belonging to the blonde girl who sat behind him in English. 

“Jackson!” she squealed, bouncing up and down. “That was such a good game! Let’s dance together.”

“Not yet, sweetheart,” Andy popped up from behind. “He’s gotta show everyone his special dance first.”

“Ooh, a special dance?” the girl asked, sidling up closer. She whispered against his ear, “I can’t wait.”

Suddenly Andy was shoving a cup of mixed liquids into Jackson’s hand and pulling him away. When he tried asking what was in it, all he got was a shrug then a distant shout that it was a vodka and sprite. Moving toward the center of the room, Jackson could still feel the taint of the heat of the girl’s breath against the shell of his ear. It couldn’t compare to Mark’s soft tone making his knees weak. 

Speaking of which, he somehow lost Mark to the sea of people swarming around him. He looked around as Andy began a cheer for him to chug. Among the faces glowing like floating lanterns in the darkness, Jackson couldn’t find him. Maybe it was for the best. He downed the contents, hoping that it would make this whole ordeal much less mortifying. 

The drink was more vodka than soda, but Jackson chugged it so fast it didn’t matter. Andy roared in his ear when the plastic cup was drained, shoving him toward the coffee table. The girls had stepped down, giving him center stage. As the alcohol shot to his head, the music beat into his body. He began rolling his hips slowly, driving the girls in the front crazy. He grinned, feeling confidence gush like a river through a broken dam. He gave a sharp thrust then began doing dance moves that probably looked better in his head than in reality. Nevertheless, after a few minutes, the blonde girl from before hopped up beside him, slinging her arms over his shoulders. Jackson politely held onto her hips, but she dragged his hands down over the curve of her ass. 

“Hey, you wanna go upstairs after?” she asked, lips moving against his ear.

“Upstairs for what?” Jackson asked, completely oblivious.

Before the girl could answer, the song came to an end, muting Jackson’s previous mood.

“Ah, my song’s over. I think I’ve made enough of a fool of myself for one night,” he announced to the girl. He turned to hop off the low table. However, as his feet slammed into the ground, the jump felt much further than it really was and his knees buckled dangerously. Instantly, there were strong hands on him, holding him up. 

“Thanks, man,” Jackson slurred, squinting up at his savior. His heart shot up to his throat and his face heated up. He almost wished he had just faceplanted into the carpet instead. 

It was Mark, scowling down at him. “You are such a lightweight. I’m taking you upstairs so you can sober up.”

Jackson giggled, happy Mark wasn’t as angry as he looked. He let his weight fall on Mark as they ascended the stairs, wholly contented in Mark’s arms. Mark dropped him on the bed, none too kindly. He dragged his feet up for good measure. As soon as Jackson was settled, Mark began to move away.

“Hey, are you just going to leave me here alone?” Jackson called out, genuinely scared for a moment.

“Calm down. I’m just going to close the door.”

Jackson nodded, sticking his lip out to look extra cute so Mark for sure won’t leave. But Mark wasn’t leaving. As soon as the door clicked shut, Mark turned around and came to sit beside Jackson on the bed. He sat propped up against the pillows, and Jackson squirmed closer like a caterpillar. His head merely rested beside Mark’s hip, but he was happy with just that much. He didn’t want to overextend himself and make Mark run away.

“I didn’t think you would get drunk so fast. I’m glad I was there to watch over you.”

Mark’s fingers settled down into Jackson’s hair, combing through the strands. Jackson closed his eyes, focusing solely on that sensation. Overhead, he could feel the unease from Mark fading as they sat in the quiet room that only faintly bounced with the heavy bass downstairs.

“You didn’t have to. Jaebum usually just lets me do my own thing. I’m not going to think I sprouted wings and then jump off the roof to prove it.”

“I’m just surprised you haven’t been tricked into losing your virginity yet. There were so many girls interested in you down there.”

“I can’t help that I’m J-Flawless.”

Mark erupted a fit of giggles. “You did not.”

Jackson rolled around, throwing Mark’s hand off as their eyes met. “What? I am. Everyone should call me that. It’d be like my future rapper name.”

“That’s almost worse than ‘Rap Monster’ from that one group.”

“What do you mean? Rap Monster’s name is brilliant. You know, I once talked to him on Twitter. We’re basically best friends now.”

“Sure,” Mark said, patting Jackson’s head as if appeasing a small child.

“I’m not a pet!” Jackson complained.

“Of course not. You’re like my little kid brother.”

Jackson couldn’t suppress the emotion crossing his face as it appeared. “You see me as a brother?”

“What? Is that wrong?”

“I mean it’s just…”

“You’re right. I barely know you. You might be secretly evil. Wouldn’t want the antichrist as my little brother,” Mark tried to joke, but Jackson wasn’t feeling it anymore. He rolled back around to face the other direction, but, thankfully or not, Mark misinterpreted the motion. “You don’t have to sulk. I don’t actually think you’re evil.”

“No, you’re right. I think I’m too drunk,” Jackson excused, but he was already sobering up now that he was away from the crowd downstairs. 

They fell into silence. Jackson focused in on Mark’s emotions, letting himself submerge in them. In a way, they felt more comfortable than simply feeling his own personal emotions. It was rejuvenating like holding hands with the person you like, except this was completely one sided. Mark didn’t know this was going on.

Minutes passed before they heard a particularly loud slam against the wall to their right. Jackson jolted, shaken out of his moment of peace. 

“Do you think they’re okay?” Jackson asked.

It wasn’t long before the thumping became regular, and Mark laughed. “I think they’re perfectly fine.”

Jackson blushed, coming to the same realization. “The walls here are really thin, huh?”

Sure enough, a feminine moan echoed into their room, followed by a heady aura of arousal. The emotion wasn’t enough to turn Jackson on, in mirror, but it certainly made him flush red. Suddenly, Mark was laughing, bringing Jackson back to his present setting.

“I keep forgetting you’re so innocent,” Mark explained. “It’s cute.”

“I’m not cute,” Jackson protested.

“Don’t worry. It’s endearing.”

“I don’t want to be endearing.”

“Then what do you want to be?”

“Sexy,” Jackson blurted out.

That made Mark laugh. “Lots of girls think you’re sexy.”

“They don’t matter.”

“Who matters then?”

Jackson bit his tongue before he could keep speaking mindlessly and just give away how he felt about Mark like it was nothing. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, yeah. You want a relationship instead of just a random hookup, right?”

“Dunno,” Jackson mumbled.

“If you want, I could set you up with some girls I know.”

Jackson frowned. “I don’t want your leftovers.”

Mark paused for long enough for Jackson to wonder. Mark seemed deep in thought, eyes down and eyebrows drawn. The blue grayness soaked into Mark’s aura, weighing down the light mood. Startled, Jackson sat up, whirling around. At a half-crawl, he leaned over Mark’s reclined form, extending an arm over Mark’s abdomen to support himself as they faced each other at eye level. Mark felt surprised by their sudden closeness.

“I-I didn’t mean it like I think you’re gross or anything,” Jackson clarified quickly. “I’m positive that you do not have cooties.”

Jackson waited for Mark’s reaction to his joke, but none came. For a second, Jackson wanted nothing more than to just capture Mark’s dejected face in his hands and feel his perfectly shaped lips against his own. He wondered what would happen if he just let himself fall into instinct, disregarding all societal boundaries telling him that this would be so wrong. Because, at that moment, his only desire was to kiss Mark’s sadness away until his blue faded to yellow. But he couldn’t. Not only because it was nonconsensual, but also because Mark wouldn’t fade to yellow; he would turn an ugly brown with disgust or black with betrayal. That was the last thing Jackson wanted to see in him.

“Mark, what’s wrong?”

Mark looked back down, as if embarrassed to be read so easily. “Do I… seem like an asshole sometimes? Or, like, all the time?” 

Jackson barked a laugh. “No way. If anything, you seem like a slut, but you’re a considerate slut.”

Mark twisted his face into a sour expression that had Jackson laughing more. “I have the hormones of any teenage boy. I just had the resources to act on it.”

“Yeah, resources,” Jackson muttered. “That’s one way to put it.”

“What?”

“Don’t you think it’s kind of rude to refer to your girlfriend as a resource?”

“She’s not… Our relationship isn’t that romantic. She understands that. Love wasn’t what brought us together. It’s… it’s complicated.”

“Have you ever felt it then? Love?” Jackson asked tentatively. He was growing increasingly aware of how he was still suspended over Mark’s pliant form. He couldn’t remember what drove him toward this action, but it took all his rationality to keep from continuing it. It was becoming way too tempting. He couldn’t stop staring at Mark’s lips as he thought through the question. That guy seriously bit at them way too much for it not to be absolutely seductive.

“Maybe once when I was younger. I was a lot more shy back then. She gave me lots of hints that she liked me back, but I was too afraid to act on it. So nothing ever happened. She moved away after that.”

“Do you regret it?” Jackson asked, but he could feel the sorrow clouding Mark’s demeanor; he knew the answer was yes.

“Maybe. But I can’t change the past. I haven’t found anyone that I connected with like that in a girl since.”

“Well, you learned from the experience. You’re certainly not too shy to ask a girl anymore.”

“I can’t help feeling like it wouldn’t even matter when the right girl appears again, that I’ll just freeze up like I did back then. She was just so bright that everyone enjoyed her company, but because we were close, I got to see the sides to her that she didn’t show often, how she could be serious and intensely dedicated. She’s… she’s kind of like you actually—now that I think about it,” Mark realized, eyes tilting up to meet Jackson’s, and he was glowing pink from the memory.

That was enough to throw Jackson completely off balance: being presented as Mark’s type, sitting so close they shared the same air, the remaining alcohol in his blood leaving him brave. Jackson couldn’t hold back his desire anymore. He leaned forward, eyes on Mark as time slowed. Mark didn’t move as Jackson entered his space, but Jackson could feel his pulse jump, which made his own heart race out of control. 

He aimed for Mark’s lips, but he closed his eyes too early and pecked the corner of his mouth. He thought he lingered for long enough to choke on his inhale, but in truth Jackson rebounded as quickly as it happened, having shocked himself perhaps more than Mark. He stared at Mark with wide eyes, surprised that he had flowed into Mark’s emotions so much that the other’s pinkness spurred him to do something he promised himself he would never do. 

And then he was scared. Jackson scrambled off the bed, mumbling something about slipping or that it was an accident; he himself wasn’t too sure at that point, but he knew that no one would buy his argument. He desperately needed to leave the room as fast as possible. He couldn’t bear to feel whatever Mark’s reaction ended up settling on. 

Jackson ripped open the door far too fast, slamming it against the wall as he fled down the stairs. He collided into a couple making out against the bannister, but he was too shell-shocked to process the angry shouts until the guy shoved Jackson up against the opposite wall. 

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” the guy spat into Jackson’s face. “You can’t even bother with an apology?”

Jackson’s senses roused, picking up on the stranger’s fury. “Then why can’t you move your business to a private room? No one wants to watch you shove your ugly ass tongue down your girl’s throat.”

Of course, he was jealous of their relationship. Why couldn’t he freely kiss Mark like this?

Jackson felt the guy’s adrenaline pick up and ducked before his punch landed, but Jackson was too wound up to just run away at that. He retaliated, sending the guy reeling against the railing. The guy came back that much harder. He took Jackson off guard, pushing him down the stairs, but Jackson caught on fast, grabbing ahold of his sweatshirt. They tumbled down the staircase together, a mess of limbs. 

When they landed at the bottom, a ring had already formed, caging them in like two bulls in a pen. It was animalistic. The collective tension was getting to Jackson’s head, making him drunk off of testosterone. His nerves were on fire, ready to spring an attack at any moment. Jackson wasn’t thinking about consequences or the future. He was sucked into his opponent’s mindset; he needed to show his dominance. 

So it was of great relief when Jackson abruptly felt strong hands pulling him out of the circle, sending a ripple of disappointment through the crowd. Broken out, Jackson whipped around to see Jaebum scowling at him.

“What the _fuck_ were you thinking? We’re in the middle of the season. You can’t go getting hurt. You’re fucking critical to the team.”

“S-sorry, I… I got too caught up a-and must’ve… lost control.”

Jackson stumbled backwards, slamming into the wall. Thankful that he had something to hold him up, his mind rebooted the normal capacity for a sane human being. He counted backwards, focusing his emotions in. It became inherently clear why he panicked and lost jurisdiction over his powers. 

Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may be my longest chapter yet? I don’t think I can regularly keep up these lengths, but there was just a lot I wanted to get down this chapter, especially with the strong connotation of the chapter title. It ties into Jackson's light joke about Mark's promiscuousness and also how Jackson regards his own feelings. :/
> 
> I didn't realize how fun it would be to write a basketball game, but I had just finished rewatching the last season of Kuroko no Basket and omg
> 
> Also, I don’t know if I need to write up a little reminder of who everyone is, but  
> Andy = bathroom bully  
> Jessica = Andy’s ex  
> Blonde girl from English class = idk she's just into Jackson bc who isn't?
> 
> And, finally, thank you for all the lovely comments. Hearing your love for this fic is really keeping me going in my writing! <3
> 
> P.S. That dick size comment was from that video on ig by Jackson's friend with Mark talking in the background comparing sizes @.@


	5. Fix

It was junior year when Mark first met Hani at a threesome, like he had told Jackson. She was a friend of one of Mark’s many flings. Everyone in the school was doing the other. The majority were single, some in open relationships. Mark never particularly had a type, so when he first saw Hani strip for him, he didn’t think much of it. He supposed he liked people who were bubbly because they provided the conversation he rarely supplied, but that wasn’t a necessary criterion for sex. 

Likewise, Hani didn’t regard him as much until Mark accidentally stumbled into her crying alone in a classroom afterschool a week after they met. Feeling a certain responsibility toward the girl, Mark sat with her, rubbing her shoulder and letting her cry on him. She told him that her reason for crying was incredibly dumb; Mark told her to tell anyway. 

For years, Hani had been in love with a younger guy who only saw her as an older sister. She held her feelings back for the sake of their friendship, watching as he befriended girls his age with a breaking heart. She knew those girls, who were dancers a thousand years more skilled, had a better chance with him than her. That day, she had stopped by the dance practice room, with the intention of dropping off some refreshments, only to find him entangled with his dance partner. 

Mark wordlessly stared at the condensation of the two soda cans sitting untouched beside them on the desk. Hani handed him one and opened the other for herself. Mark didn’t know how to answer, having no experience in romance himself. But Hani suddenly had an idea to make her friend see her in a new light. Mark agreed to it, recalling how his parents had been pressuring him to bring home a new girlfriend. He figured he had nothing to lose; their relationship would stay open on the side while in public they were attached. That was the best-case scenario for where he was in life.

Getting transferred made the plan difficult to execute, but Mark was more than surprised to learn that Jackson and Hani had a mutual friend. Seeing Jackson at that party was a welcome surprise, but he didn’t mean for him to intermingle with his past. Everything before that had been going so well too. All in all, he was glad Jackson didn’t judge him for his actions and still wanted to remain friends. That was more than he could ask for. Mark was so used to being abandoned or left behind due to his quiet nature that the repeated path became etched deep into his timeline. In that sense, he was also glad to have Hani by his side, even as an artificial girlfriend until she could attain the true object of her desires. Life right then was comfortable. 

Until Friday happened. Mark had witnessed countless examples of how Jackson breached the personal space of his closer friends as if it did not exist. When Jackson leaned over him, he took it as a gesture of familiarity. When Jackson kissed him, he stopped knowing what to think. He hadn’t expected his pulse to quicken. He hadn’t expected to freeze in place. When Brian from his theatre class had asked him out, he didn’t hesitate to say no. So he didn’t know what about Jackson gave him pause. It unsettled him.

And then Jackson had just run away. Mark didn’t even have enough time to process what had happened before he simply bolted. Mark ended up sitting on the bed alone, staring at the warm spot that Jackson formerly occupied. It all felt so crazy that Mark hadn’t even registered that he was capable of getting up and chasing after him. After a moment to himself, he ended up going home alone. He knew not to disturb Hani, who was probably flirting with a basketball player after the intensity of the game. Yet, he didn’t realize how he subconsciously searched instead for Jackson’s face among the throngs of people as he exited the house. As Mark drummed his fingers impatiently along his steering wheel, his mind was on Jackson, not Hani. 

 

Though they had an unspoken agreement to meet up every Wednesday and Saturday for the English project, Jackson was the one to break it. He texted Mark early Saturday morning to cancel. Mark agreed, saying that they had already gotten a lot done on Wednesday. Neither mentioned the elephant in the room. Mark spent the rest of the day overthinking the entire situation by himself.

Sunday, Mark woke up to a text from Hani telling him to dress nice for a bowling date, winky face. Mark instantly comprehended the insinuation and idly wondered if he would get any afterwards as a thank you. He had been fairly pent up since refusing Jessica last week. Maybe if they went away to the bathroom for a while, they could get away with it while making her friend jealous. Two birds with one stone.

Mark got dressed, finding his oversized patchwork grey fabric and denim jacket. He pulled up to Hani’s house on time. She walked out in a miniskirt and tights. Mark could tell she was already in a good mood when she entered the car.

“What’s up?” Mark asked.

“I think I’m getting closer. You won’t have to put up with this for much longer,” Hani smiled up at Mark. 

Mark nodded, feeling a strange tension clogging his throat. When they pulled up to the bowling alley, Hani was already out of the car before Mark had even cut the engine. She bounced in place, impatiently waiting for Mark to get out. Mark pulled the hood up over his head when he exited the car, cutting the unyielding wind’s chill.

Hani ran forward, opening the bowling alley’s door for Mark, giggling. Mark couldn’t help but smile at how eager she looked. He went to the counter, paying for the both of them. Meanwhile, Hani went off to order drinks and snacks. Out of the corner of his eye, Mark saw Yugyeom approach her thinking that she was alone. However, Hani broke the ideal by gesturing over to him. Mark waved back, but Yugyeom only tensed up, standing straighter as if this were some type of competition.

Mark could clearly see the distinction between how Yugyeom initially acted around Hani before word got out that they were dating and now. Their friendly disposition was now charged with tension. Each look Yugyeom threw their way burned. On one hand, Mark was totally happy for her despite the rather twisted strategy. On the other, he was selfish; he knew he was going to miss her easy company, how she was there when he needed someone. He didn’t expect anything long-term with her, but the idea of eventual rejection still stung. 

As Mark was walking over with both pairs of shoes in hand, he heard a familiar laugh ring over the bustle of the alley. Mark’s head whipped to the right at the same time the laughter cut out. Over at one of the lanes, he spotted Jackson just as Jackson turned to see him. The mirth on Jackson’s face froze, and Mark forgot how to walk. Mark didn’t understand how Jackson sensed his approach, but Jackson always did seem to notice him when no one else would.

Time came crashing back to reality in a series of three. Mark distantly heard a set of bowling pins clatter to the ground, as his heart seemed to stop beating in his chest. Then there was a loud whoop that blended into the background, as his ears filled with cotton. Finally, a skinny boy around their age was running into Jackson’s arms and climbing into his lap. 

Jackson was subsequently pulled away from their eye contact, and Mark was back to being alone. Perhaps it was better this way, being that he no longer knew where he stood with Jackson anymore. 

“Mark!” 

Meekly turning around, Mark found Hani staring at him. He didn’t know how long she had been standing there. Yugyeom was by her side.

“Mark, let’s go join Yugyeom’s friends. We can team up and all play together.”

“But we’d have an odd number of players,” Yugyeom pointed out as the pair turned to walk toward the lanes. Just as Mark expected, and feared, they were headed right for Jackson and the auburn-haired boy.

Hani pouted. It was obvious what she was doing. “Do we have to play alone? I’m not very good. I’m sure to be last.”

By this point, they had reached the two others. The boy leaned back from where he was straddling Jackson, curious about the newcomers. 

“Bambam, get off of Jackson,” Yugyeom snapped, more exasperated than anything. 

The boy, Bambam, sulked a little but slid off into the next seat over. “You know, I don’t complain when you’re all over—.”

Hani tensed beside Mark. Immediately understanding, Mark reached across the slight distance to grab her hand. She reciprocated, and he squeezed her hand in comfort. 

“Shut _up_ ,” Yugyeom interrupted Bambam. “I haven’t seen her in ages. There’s nothing between us anymore.”

Bambam rolled his eyes but grabbed his coke to take a sip. He stood up suddenly, remembering his manners. 

“Hi, my name’s Bambam. Not my real name, but you can just call me that. It’s easier.”

“Mark.”

“I’m Hani,” she chirped, feigning cheer to cover her disappointment at the reminder of Yugyeom’s prolific past. “Oh, I’ve seen you around Mayflower! You’re a junior, right?”

Bambam nodded enthusiastically in answer. Mark stared on, questioning how everyone else knew each other when he was so in the dark. Namely, he was questioning the new addition and Jackson.

“I invited them over to play with us if that’s cool,” Yugyeom began.

“Yeah, we can reset our game. It’s no problem,” Bambam said, already at the dials. “Should we do teams?”

“Yes, please, I totally need the help,” Hani affirmed. She glanced over at Yugyeom.

“I can help you out,” Yugyeom volunteered enthusiastically, and Mark knew to back down. 

Mark awkwardly looked between Jackson and Bambam, wondering what he should do. As he was more acquainted with Jackson, he figured it would make more sense to be on his team, but then that would leave Bambam out. Mark tried to wordlessly communicate that with Jackson, but the latter refused to meet his eyes.

“I want to be on Jackson’s team!” Bambam announced, shocking Mark out of his thoughts. That was something he hadn’t considered in his calculations, and he was taken aback. He watched how Jackson smiled back at Bambam as he said it, and he steeled his resolve.

“I’ll be on a team by myself.”

That finally made Jackson’s head jerk up from where he was blatantly avoiding eye contact.

“Are you sure?” Bambam asked, drawing his eyebrows up. “You can join Jackson and I, if you—.”

“No, I’ll be fine,” Mark interrupted. 

He noticed Hani watching him suspiciously, but she took his side. “Yeah, Mark’s really damn good at bowling just by himself. I believe in you, babe.” She reached up to give Mark a small kiss on the cheek. Mark wanted to nose into the kiss, hoping for some lip action, but he felt uncomfortable in front of unfamiliar eyes. Or maybe it was just Jackson’s judgmental stare.

Mark was up first. Behind him, he heard Bambam asking Jackson why he was being so quiet. Mark released the ball a little too hard, drowning out the answer by the thud and roll of the heavy ball. He returned to his seat with two consecutive strikes. 

They went around the group. Mark didn’t talk, as per usual, but Jackson didn’t either. Thankfully, the two younger had enough conversation to cover their silence. Hani joined in tactfully, laughing and holding Yugyeom’s arm when something was too funny. Mark watched how Yugyeom lit up at the simple touch. Meanwhile, Bambam had somehow found his way back into Jackson’s lap again. 

Mark was caught between these two couples, alone and dejected. He felt a separating force splitting them, with his body being the repellent. Mark’s eyes were drawn to the back of Jackson’s head whenever the latter was turned to face Bambam. By this point, Mark could probably sketch the buzzed hair of Jackson’s undercut. 

Really though, Mark tried not to speak. It was awkward as hell between them, and Mark was not one to resolve these types of conflict. In the end, Mark wasn’t sure if he had opened his mouth at all over the duration of the half hour they spent playing. He was on his phone most of the time, trying to occupy himself. He hadn’t ever felt so alone surrounded by other people. 

It was the last round of their game, and Mark was tied with Yugyeom’s team. Jackson and Bambam were lagging behind, but they were joking around enough to make up for the loss. Mark was up first. With one look at how infatuated Hani was at Yugyeom’s skill, he knew what he had to do. Set a little off, he aimed toward the side, purposely missing his shot. He let the three pins rise into the machine with a fake curse. Hani’s eyes were solely on Yugyeom, and thus Yugyeom was far too distracted to notice the obvious miss. When Mark was walking to his seat, he caught Jackson’s eyes on him. There was a curious glimmer in them, as if he knew what Mark was doing. Mark simply shrugged and averted his eyes. For that split second, it was almost as if Friday night hadn’t occurred. But soon enough, Mark was remembering Jackson’s breath against his lips, and he was blushing under his bangs. 

Sure enough, Yugyeom scored the winning point, and Hani rushed up to hug him in excitement. Mark turned to look away but only came into contact with Bambam being ‘consoled’ by Jackson. With the smaller boy being swaddled in Jackson’s arms, Mark felt more than uncomfortable. Unsure of where to look, he stared down at his borrowed bowling shoes. It wasn’t that he disliked gay people—he had seen more than a fair share of explicit action with his own eyes at school—but there was something about the pairing that unnerved him. He didn’t realize he was glaring at them until Bambam happened to turn and meet his eyes. Mark quickly redirected his attention at Hani. Before he could speak, however, there was suddenly a hand on his shoulder. Mark startled then jumped a second time to see that it was Jackson’s.

“Hey, the guys and I are going to go play basketball after another round, if you want to come with,” Jackson offered. 

Mark’s first instinct was to turn to Hani.

“Sorry, I have work after this, but you guys have fun. I know you’re free, Mark,” Hani nodded.

“Yeah, if you guys’ll have me,” Mark said to be polite.

Behind him, he heard Yugyeom mocking him in a high-pitched voice. He tensed his jaw as irritation spiked within him. He didn’t understand what Hani saw in that oversized child. 

Their next game, Mark didn’t let Yugyeom off easy. Yugyeom seemed to sense the jump in determination and matched his efforts turn by turn. However, Mark was gathering a lead. If they had been playing one on one or if Mark had played for two people’s turns, he would have won by far. But Hani was holding up her end, and they ended up winning a second time. Hani once again gave Yugyeom a bouncy hug, but Mark kept his eyes on them instead of risking facing Jackson and Bambam. And yet, there was a second twist in the familiar series of events. 

Mark felt an arm sling around his shoulders. He stood frozen in shock until he realized that it was Jackson. That made him relax a little.

“Sorry we didn’t make first,” Jackson said softly, and Mark felt his frustration at losing being cut by Jackson’s words. 

“Why are you saying that? You weren’t even on my team,” Mark replied gently. He tried to make it sound casual and not like he was betrayed that Jackson chose Bambam over him. Any break in tone and it would be over. It was strange enough, not understanding where Jackson’s sudden bout of affection came from, but with their recent shared experience… Mark really did not know what to think.

“Still… You’re kinda scary when you’re mad,” Jackson admitted sheepishly. 

And there was the answer to Mark’s question. Mark removed Jackson’s arms off of him, slightly emasculated that he was bought so easily by Jackson’s charm. He didn’t need Jackson to bring him down from an anger he didn’t possess.

“I’m not mad.”

“Damn, you’re fucked,” Bambam whispered loudly as he passed behind where Jackson had been pushed away.

“I’m not saying you’re _mad_ mad, but you seem kinda irritated.”

“Irritated… So as in…mad,” Mark pointed out.

“No,” Jackson grappled at the air. “Just like—you were—I mean… You seemed peeved.”

Mark furrowed his brow. “I have no reason to be peeved.”

Behind them, he heard Hani laughing at Yugyeom’s joke, and again, Mark really had no cause to be frustrated. His mood didn’t change at all. That’s what really puzzled Jackson the most. When he first saw Mark today, there was the persistent loneliness, the vague jealousy—all emotions to coat Mark an ugly blue. Now, at the time of climax in Yugyeom’s efforts to win over Hani, Mark was nothing at all. The brief worry-laced irritation that brushed over Mark’s psyche was gone. There was only the newfound irritation that Jackson could tell was directed toward his over-questioning of Mark’s temper.

Jackson studied his expression, trying to read the winds, until he felt discomfort rising, and he realized that he had been staring for far too long. 

“Ah, sorry, my bad then. So are you still down for basketball?”

“Ooh, yeah!” Bambam came up excitedly, swinging an arm around Jackson’s shoulders. “Are you gonna come?”

“Yeah, so I can kick your ass in another game,” Yugyeom piped up haughtily.

Mark almost felt his eye twitch. He scoffed. “If you look at our individual scores, I clearly beat you. You only won because you had a team.”

Mark tried to gain support from Jackson and Bambam, but he only turned to see Bambam retreating behind Jackson at the sudden onslaught of aggression. That seemed to hurt something deep inside him that he never knew existed. And that in itself manifested as anger.

“It’s not my fault that Hani chose me,” Yugyeom countered, inching closer with competition etched into his posture. 

Hani abruptly reached out and caught Yugyeom’s arm before anything escalated. 

“Markie, why don’t you drive me home first before you join them,” she suggested.

“Sure,” Mark shrugged, grabbing his jacket. He gave a pointed look back at Yugyeom before turning to leave. He took Hani’s hand in his for extra impact. 

 

Once the car doors slammed shut, Mark reached over to cup Hani’s face in his hand, a precursor to a kiss that usually led to more. The front doors of the bowling alley were in full sight from the windshield, but he didn’t give a damn. With Hani’s lips on his, he reached down toward her chest, feeling her over her shirt. Mark stiffened when he felt that she wasn’t wearing a bra, and her hardened nipple came into contact with the pad of his fingertip. His tongue slipped into her mouth, and he began to feel hot everywhere, doing something like this out in public where anyone can walk past and see them. 

But then, just like that, the heat of the moment dissipated. Mark became overly conscious of what he was doing, too conscious of the flesh against his mouth. He leaned back, unable to continue, and he realized that Hani wasn’t fully reciprocating either. 

“Sorry,” he mumbled. 

“It’s okay. I feel the same,” Hani responded, and that was all that was said for the rest of the ride.

Mark dropped Hani off at her house and waited for her to get inside. He sat outside for longer, tapping on the steering wheel like a nervous tick. He was half debating just turning around and going home, but that wouldn’t fix anything with Jackson. And that was something he thought definitely needed fixing. He could see the uncertainty in the latter’s face every time they made eye contact, and though it most likely reflected his own thoughts, he wanted to do something to iron out the discomfort. They still had that project to work on, after all.

 

When Mark pulled up to the park’s parking lot, he could already see the three guys at the court messing around. Bambam was on Jackson’s back, trying to score a three-pointer over Yugyeom’s defense. It looked ridiculous, but Mark couldn’t help feeling left out. It wasn’t as if this was even his group of friends. If anything, he was still an outsider. His brief relation to Jackson did not count.

As Mark walked over to the court after locking his car, he saw Bambam and Yugyeom run off toward the bathrooms. Abruptly wary, Mark slowed his pace. He wondered if he should just hide somewhere until they came back to avoid facing Jackson alone. How was he supposed to act? However, Jackson turned then and spotted him. He waved Mark over, as cheerful as ever. Mark was vaguely comforted by the normalcy.

“Hey,” Mark greeted, stepping onto the asphalt.

“Hey,” Jackson repeated, suddenly a lot more shy up close.

Neither knew what to say after that, and Mark was so tense he was about to snap.

“Listen—,” Jackson began just as Mark opened his mouth to speak. Mark closed his mouth, but Jackson was beyond flustered. “Oh, sorry, you first.”

“No, you already started speaking.”

“No, it’s not important. What were you going to say?”

Mark twisted his hands together. “I was just going to talk about what happened.” He had to think of the right thing to say to resolve this awkwardness between them. Put on the spot suddenly, his mind was racing trying to construct the right phrasing.

“Yeah?” Jackson looked at him to continue. Large eyes directly focused on Mark’s face, the lip bitten between his teeth was startlingly seductive.

“I-I mean, I know you were really drunk that night so it’s fine. There was a couple having sex next door; we were getting really sappy and shit. The mood was getting weird. I get it. I think?”

“Really? You do?”

“Yeah, so let’s not dwell on it anymore… please. I mean, we’re friends, right? Let’s go back to that.”

Jackson’s worried expression cleared, replaced with something Mark’s never seen before. It wasn’t quite legitimate relief; there was still stiffness about his expression that threw Mark off. Yet, his words came out in a glad sigh.

“Oh, thank god. I didn’t know how to break it to you that I wasn’t _actually_ madly in love with you.” Jackson gave his teasing half-grin at the end.

Mark snorted, incredulously, and his passing thought about Jackson’s strange expression was gone. He punched Jackson’s arm, but he had hung out with him long enough to know how to play up to his jokes.

“Shut up, man. You’ll get my hopes up again.”

And Jackson knew Mark was just kidding too. He could tell from the unfazed smile lighting up his face under the white November sunlight. He could tell with the boyish tongue waggle Mark flashed him after. It was all a joke to him. But that was really the most Jackson could ever hope for.

“Oh, also about Yugyeom earlier today,” Jackson continued on a more serious note. He gauged Mark’s reaction to the name, but he couldn’t comprehend it. “I could tell you were getting pretty jealous at the bowling alley. I could tell him to stop being so handsy with Hani, if that would make things better.”

Mark looked confused. “I’m not jealous of them. I’ve told you that before.”

“But…” Jackson recalled how Mark was brooding on ugly green emotions throughout the day. It hadn’t mattered how close Mark was to winning because his mood never changed. But after Yugyeom had simply taken Hani as his partner, that was to be expected, right? Yet, here was Mark saying that he was fine.

However, before Jackson could interrogate him more about that, Bambam and Yugyeom returned from the bathroom. Bambam brightened at seeing the new addition keeping Jackson company. Yet, as they neared, Jackson noticed Mark’s emotions run dark again. He was staring forward resolutely, his lips set in a hard line.

“Play ball?” Bambam called.

Yugyeom nudged him. “That’s the wrong sport.”

“They’re all just balls anyway,” Bambam waved off.

“One is considerably larger than the other. I know you’re a size queen. Why can’t you figure that one out?”

“Sorry that isn’t my area of expertise. I go for the shaft more.”

Mark choked on a laugh, disbelieving of how they could so easily banter back and forth about gay sex.

“Oh, hi Mark,” Bambam greeted. 

“What are we in? _The Room_?” Yugyeom muttered.

“What do you say? Balls or dick?” Bambam continued, unfazed. He stared intently at Mark, waiting for an answer.

“For what?” Mark asked.

“He isn’t gay, Bam,” Jackson interjected.

“Then what feels best?” Bambam pressed.

“Isn’t it the same for every guy? The tip?” Mark answered uncertainly. 

“I don’t know,” Bambam smirked, and they all knew something foul was going to come out of his mouth. “For me, it’s the ass.”

“Bambam!” Jackson exclaimed. “This is a public area. There could be children around!”

“Just because you’re sexually repressed,” Bambam rolled his eyes, letting the rest of the sentence fall flat. Then he gasped. “Oh! I just remembered. I found the perfect person to set you up with! You guys will be so cute together!”

“Bam…” Yugyeom said, exasperated on Jackson’s behalf. “Not again.”

“Can we just play?” Mark suggested, pulling the conversation away.

They split into teams. Bambam and Yugyeom versus Mark and Jackson. Jackson couldn’t help smiling at how brilliant their teamwork was. Mark seemed to respond to every move Jackson played. He caught every pass and seemed to watch Jackson like a hawk. Despite having never played together, they even managed an alley-oop when Jackson saw Mark was about to miss due to Yugyeom’s blocking. When Jackson’s attention was elsewhere, Mark would yell something in Mandarin to him. Seeing Bambam and Yugyeom’s confused faces only made him giggle more. 

Mark and Jackson ended up winning, but they were all panting hard by the end. 

“Mark, you’re really fucking good. Why didn’t you try out?” Jackson asked, slapping him on the back.

Mark shrugged, smiling shyly at the compliment.

“Wait, shit. What time is it?” Bambam jolted. He startled further when he looked at his watch. “Yugyeom! We’re going to be late to practice!”

“Practice?” Mark asked, staring like a lost deer as Bambam and Yugyeom quickly packed up their things like scurrying ants.

“Dance practice for our final,” Yugyeom answered, tossing the ball to Jackson.

“Oh, yeah. Good luck on that,” Jackson wished.

“Thanks, Jackson! We’re off!” Bambam said, already walking away. “It was nice to meet you, Mark! Jackson, I’ll see you later tonight. I’ll bring that person I want you to meet!”

And then they were running off toward Bambam’s car. In the silence, Jackson and Mark were left totally alone.

“Tonight?” Mark asked. His aura was already staining blue since the other two left with their contagious yellow energy. Mark’s problems with Yugyeom seemed to have ironed out over the course of the game, as he was considerably less bogged by a murky olive green. Meanwhile, Yugyeom had acknowledged Mark as “not bad” at sports.

“Yeah, we’re watching a movie,” Jackson responded.

“Huh.”

Jackson needed to mend that blueness. “Are you doing anything later?”

“Not really.”

“You want to come with?”

“Uh, I don’t know…”

“You’re totally welcome. You’d be my guest.”

“But isn’t Bambam setting you up with someone? I don’t want to get in the way.”

Jackson rolled his eyes. “He keeps trying, but…” He shrugged. “It hasn’t worked out before. So what do you say?”

“I don’t know. I’d have to go shower first. I’m all sweaty.”

“You can shower at my place then head out. It’s not far from here.”

“Are you sure it’s okay?”

“Yeah, my parents are totally chill. You won’t be intruding.”

“O-okay, if you’re sure it’s fine.”

“So…want to play another game?”

“Sure, but there’s no way I’m going to win against an actual basketball player.”

“Don’t sell yourself short,” Jackson encouraged, bouncing the ball twice against the asphalt. “Why don’t we set a bet? If I win, you’re buying my ticket.”

“Best two out of three.”

Jackson bounced the basketball against the asphalt nonchalantly. He tried to score a three pointer from where he stood before Mark could catch on. However, Mark noticed the minute shifting of his weight to his knees as he prepared to throw. Mark jumped up just as the ball went airborne, slamming it out of its arc. 

“Damn, you’re good,” Jackson breathed as the ball rolled out of bounds.

Mark ran after the ball and tossed it back to Jackson. “Try again.”

“Confident now, aren’t we?” Jackson shifted the ball between his hands. “But this is yours now.” He threw it back.

Mark caught it as it smacked into his chest. Mark traded positions with Jackson. Now Mark was on the offense. He bent forward, passing the ball between his hands and the ground. He faked right and went left, whirling past Jackson’s defense only to be stopped again at the next turn.

“You’re really fast,” Mark complimented, taking Jackson momentarily off guard by the kind gesture. He drove past him and scored a basket.

“Hey, no fair,” Jackson whined when he realized what happened.

“Come on. Do I really not talk so much that you are that surprised to hear me speak?”

“Yes!” Jackson emphasized with his arms. “It’s like the tides changed direction, and there’s land on the horizon!”

Mark snorted. “Whatever. Your ball.” 

He threw the ball to Jackson, but Jackson threw it back.

“You scored, so it’s still yours.”

“I thought we were alternating?” Mark asked, confused.

“No, this is more fair for you.”

“Hey, who’s the one who made the basket?” he retorted.

“I’m going to make the next one.”

“What makes you so sure?” Mark challenged; his words were heated. Endorphins were pumping through his blood at the tension of the game. It excited him in ways he hadn’t been in a while.

“I just know,” Jackson smiled deviously.

Mark scowled at him, not enjoying the arrogance when his own skills were being belittled. “We’ll see.”

Mark dribbled the ball, trying to find a hole in Jackson’s defense, but the latter continuously caught all of his real drives among his fakes. Mark nearly growled in frustration, and his control on the ball was slipping. In that moment, Jackson reached forward and tipped the ball out of Mark’s hand. Jackson dove forward, recapturing the basketball and sprinting toward the basket. The ball was soaring before Mark could catch up. Soon, it swished past the hoop.

“Ah, damn it,” Mark cursed.

“Well, I didn’t make the team for my looks. Have you seen how tall I am?” Jackson joked.

“Trust me, I know,” Mark said. He reached out to pat the top of Jackson’s head as he passed and giggled when Jackson belatedly ducked away in surprise.

Jackson stood facing Mark. They both leaned forward, hyper focused, as Jackson began dribbling, setting the ball in play. 

“This is anyone’s game now,” Jackson noted.

Mark didn’t reply, but he stared at Jackson more intensely than he ever had. Jackson tried to gulp, but he could hardly swallow under the weight of those eyes. It was something else to be watched by this man. Jackson was under the spotlight, and he was the only thing that Mark was looking at. Mark seemed to catch every shift of his muscles and grind of his joints, and Jackson was warming up under that strong gaze. It was fiercely dominating, and Mark was more fired up than Jackson had ever felt him. 

But Jackson, being the love-struck fool that he was, could only freeze up and lose his rationale. Mark stole the ball, carrying it to the basket with ease. Jackson could only stand dumbfounded as Mark was bubbling with that yellow energy that Jackson saw so rarely in him. A smile suddenly split Jackson’s face before he could school his emotions. Thankfully, Mark was still facing the other direction, running after the ball. 

By the time Mark returned, Jackson was emotionally ready for him.

“Good game,” Jackson extended his hand. 

Mark held the ball under his left arm and pursed his lips. “I feel like you didn’t really try that last time.”

“No, you took me by surprise,” Jackson said. “That’s fair enough of a win, I’d say.”

Mark relented and shook Jackson’s hand. Jackson couldn’t get enough of this look on Mark. Sweat plastering his hair back, chest heaving slightly, Mark looked so sexy in this casual setting. Outside of the stiff uniforms, he was dressed in his own clothes, clothes that Jackson wanted to just strip off of him right then and there. 

Jackson had to snap himself out of his fantasies to remember to let go of Mark’s hand.

“I lost, so I guess I’m paying tonight?”

“Nope, I’ll pay for myself,” Mark said, pushing the ball into Jackson’s hands since it belonged to him.

“What? But you won the bet.”

“Yeah.”

“Then what do I owe you?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

“Whaat… no fair,” Jackson whined.

“You never made me set a bet. I’ll tell you when it comes to me.”

Jackson pouted, swinging an arm around Mark’s shoulders to drag him down. “You really can’t think of _anything_?”

“Not right now, no,” Mark said steadfastly.

“When do you think you’ll know?” Jackson pressed, crowding in on Mark’s personal space.

“I don’t know. Oh, don’t forget you still owe me a meal for going to that basketball game.”

Jackson groaned. “Come on, it wasn’t that bad to go, was it?”

Mark only smiled cheekily at him. “So…your place now?” 

“Yeah, it’s just a block away.”

“Okay, I’ll follow in my car.”

“Um,” Jackson began sheepishly. “I rode with Bambam here from the bowling alley. I was just going to walk back.”

“Oh, then I can drive you there?” Mark suggested.

“Yeah, sure, thanks.” Jackson awkwardly ran his fingers through his hair. They walked over to the parking lot, Jackson stumbling along behind Mark. “I mean, I have a license. I just don’t have my own car. I’m looking for a job so that I can start saving up money for one, but basketball’s taking up a lot of my time right now so. And I don’t want to always use my parent’s car, you know. They have to get around too, and I don’t want to get in the way all the time—.”

“It’s okay. You don’t need to explain yourself to me.” 

Mark unlocked his car, and they both got in. Jackson slid into the expensive leather seat with a look of awe. Under the standard car odor, it smelled faintly of Mark.

“Wow,” he gasped. 

Mark smiled faintly. “This really isn’t much.”

“Isn’t much?” Jackson exclaimed. “It’s a fucking Benz. Yuggie is honestly so jealous, even if he won’t admit it.”

“Yuggie?”

“Yugyeom.”

“Ah,” Mark said, turning the ignition. “Why’s he jealous?”

“Well, it’s probably about Hani mostly,” Jackson admitted then choked. “Shit, I probably shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s nothing I didn’t already know.”

“It’s really weird how you aren’t bothered by this at all.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, if I were you, I’d probably want to kick his ass for blatantly trying to get with my girlfriend.”

Mark shrugged, not taking his eyes off of the road. “Maybe I just don’t get jealous.”

“That’s a fucking lie,” Jackson blurted out before he could stop himself.

“How would you—?” Mark shot Jackson a startled expression.

“I-I… I’ve seen you look jealous.”

“What? When?”

“Earlier today?”

“About Yugyeom? I wasn’t.”

“But…you seemed…really…pissed?” Jackson was lost for words, trying to explain his sense for Mark’s emotions without giving anything away.

“Maybe you’re just seeing things,” Mark brushed off.

Jackson began to doubt himself. Perhaps he had been tapping into his own feelings rather than Mark’s. However, he had begun to recognize the trademarks that distinguished Mark’s emotions from others. For one, they were startlingly clear to him, without any glitches to cause fuzzy disturbances on his metaphorical screen. It felt as real as seeing how stunning Mark looked in that simple light denim-cloth jacket. How could that be just a product of his imagination?

Jackson stared out the window, making sure Mark was going the right way. He remembered something his mother had told him, about how sometimes people feel without realizing it. Often, it occurs like the passing of an unconscious thought. Since Jackson was so in tune with Mark—more so than with anyone he has ever met before—it was highly likely that he had overemphasized a minute negative emotion. That would mean that Mark still held emotions for Hani where he claimed to be wholly rational. Jackson glanced at him, already forlorn for his potential loss.

“Am I going the right way?” Mark asked, tearing Jackson away from his impulse to say something he shouldn’t.

“Turn right at the next opening,” Jackson instructed. “It’s the third house on the right.”

Mark made it to the suburban house that was identical to its neighbors. Jackson shuffled out of the car shyly, feeling vastly out of sorts. It was one thing bringing the guy he liked to his house. It was a whole other second thing that his house was way out of the standards of what that guy was clearly used to.

Jackson let him in.

“I’m home,” Jackson called out as he took off his shoes.

“Your house is nice,” Mark commented before Jackson could pre-warn him about the claustrophobic interior. 

“This is nothing. You basically live in a mansion.”

“Yeah, but it feels… comfortable in here. My home is pretty empty most of the time.”

Jackson could feel the truth of his words. “I feel like I’ve never seen your parents.”

As if called, Jackson’s mom popped her head out. “Jackson, dear—oh! You brought someone home?”

“Yeah, Mom, this is Mark.” Jackson felt nervous on Mark’s behalf.

“It’s so nice to meet you,” she greeted, taking his hand. Mark bowed back, returning the pleasantries with the cutest smile Jackson had ever seen. “I’ll leave you boys alone now.”

Mark followed Jackson up the stairs to his room. He stared in awe at the number of posters on Jackson’s walls and the clutter around his desk. The room was so busy that Mark felt he would never be bored even just sitting in here with nothing to do. It was certainly a reflection of Jackson’s own character.

“You can shower first,” Jackson offered. He turned to rummage through his closet. “Here’s a clean towel.”

Mark accepted it graciously, and Jackson pointed out the bathroom across the hall. 

Now alone, Jackson had time to calm his speeding pulse. He sat down at his desk chair, spinning around and around. Everywhere he looked, he saw mess. Eventually it became so overwhelming that Jackson jumped back up. He tidied up his room to ease the clutter in his head. 

By the time that the carpeting was significantly more visible compared to the mass of junk, Mark was done with his shower.

“Hey, um,” Mark’s voice from the doorway startled Jackson. “I realized I didn’t have anything to change into so… uh…”

Jackson turned around, pretending like he hadn’t just jumped a foot in fright, but he choked on his next words. Mark stood in the doorway, Jackson’s towel hanging dangerously off his hips. Jackson could see the V-line of his pelvic bone. Jackson could see the shape of his thighs hugged by the towel. And he could most definitely see the outline of something else under that towel.

“U-uh…um—I-I,” Jackson stammered, trying to catch himself where his eyes were continuously falling down Mark’s figure. “You can borrow my clothes. I should have something that fits you.”

“Did I scare you that bad?” Mark giggled, leaning against the doorframe. Jackson had to consciously force his eyes away to make sure he wasn’t staring.

“I was just surprised.” Jackson tossed Mark a shirt and a pair of basketball shorts. “There’s an elastic in there so it should fit. I don’t know if it’s really your style, but…”

Mark laughed. “Don’t worry. This is fine. I’m not picky.”

With Mark holding Jackson’s clothes, they were in an awkward standstill. Jackson didn’t want to look directly at Mark, but he was clearly aware of the increasing tension in the room. Meanwhile, Mark wasn’t sure if he should go back to the bathroom to change or if Jackson was ready to go shower.

“Uh, should I—?” Mark started.

That seemed to snap Jackson back to reality. “Oh, right. You can change in here. I’ll leave.”

Jackson fled to the bathroom, pushing thoughts of Mark naked in his room out of his head. He tried setting the water on cold to shrink any dirty fantasies, but then he couldn’t take the freezing temperature any longer. So his willpower was fried, all his efforts spent on attempting to stop thinking about how nice it would be to gently unwrap that towel from Mark’s hips, to kiss up that clean skin, and to reveal just what lay hidden away.

Jackson hopped out the shower perhaps more frazzled than when he had entered. Drying off, he realized that he had made the same mistake as Mark. Securing the towel around his waist, he waddled back to his room. He walked in, a joke on his lips, but he saw Mark sitting on the floor leaning against his bedpost with his eyes closed. His shirt was hanging off of Mark’s shoulders, revealing his collarbones. Jackson smiled at how peaceful Mark looked. He dressed quickly, praying to god that Mark wouldn’t wake up to an eyeful of his bare ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally get some of Mark's backstory and his POV about this whole thing! Not to mention, meeting Bambam who is just something else haha
> 
> I love writing Mark and Jackson's friendship. There's just something innate between the two of them that makes them so understanding of each other.
> 
> Next chapter is going to be a continuation of their house playdate :)
> 
> Pic of Mark's denim/cloth jacket that I love: https://www.instagram.com/p/BehgroWFktQ/?taken-by=caelestria_0904


	6. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't anything major, but I want to give a warning about content just in case. See end notes if you don't mind spoilers. It is only something nonconsensual mentioned in discussion between two characters. **This has nothing to do with the chapter title, don't worry!**

Mark didn't realize when he had fallen asleep on the floor of Jackson’s room, so his dream felt all too real. 

_It was November in California, but Mark was shivering waiting outside the movie theatre with Jackson for Bambam to arrive with Jackson’s date. Jackson felt so warm by his side, and Mark tingled with the budding of a newfound level of connection. However, when he looked out at the parking lot again, he saw Bambam nearing them with a cute girl at his side. She was exactly the type that Mark thought would match Jackson’s preferences: short but athletic, bubbly and smiley just like Jackson. Suddenly, Jackson’s heat was gone. Mark looked up to see Jackson fawning over the new arrival like Mark never existed in the first place._

_Throughout the next two hours, Jackson would lean over toward her to whisper comments about the film. Mark had to withstand every muffled laugh of a joke his ear was deaf to. In the darkness of the theatre, Mark was alone in the face of the blinding projector screen. When the movie was over, they walked out as a group, but Mark could only stare at Jackson’s back as he sauntered on ahead with the new girl on his arm and Bambam gushing over how cute they looked together. Mark was left behind._

_When they turned back for Mark’s opinion on the movie, he noticed that Jackson’s eyes never really left the other. So Mark just nodded to Bambam, who was the only one even vaguely paying attention to him. The other two were infatuated. Outside the cinema, the air was sharp with winter’s chill, and Mark found himself missing Jackson’s warmth at his side before this stranger burst into the scene. Mark looked up from the ground to see Jackson’s hands on the girl’s face, bringing his lips in close for a kiss that was a thousand times more skilled than whatever he had placed on Mark while drunk. Mark jolted back hard._

 

“Mark?”

Mark opened his eyes to see Jackson staring at him, eyebrows drawn in concern. He was incredibly disoriented, trying to categorize fact and fiction back into their right compartments. The theatre was fiction. Jackson’s room is fact. However, Mark could only stare into Jackson’s wide eyes helplessly as his heart thumped in his throat, unable to speak. He noticed that Jackson’s face was very close to his, and he realized that Jackson’s hands, which were previously on that girl, were cupping his face. She wasn’t real, Mark reminded himself. Jackson’s hands on his cheeks were.

“Sorry, I woke you. You looked like you were having a bad dream.”

Mark blinked. He still couldn’t comprehend the matters of his dream now that he was awake. He had never vied for anyone’s attention. So he couldn’t explain the bitterness welled up inside of him, only that it left him feeling hollow where he was once whole with his dream-Jackson beside him. It made him grumpy, but he only had the real Jackson in front of him to be mad at. Yet, with how this Jackson was looking like a puppy trying to read his thoughts, Mark couldn’t connect the two different sides of the boy he knew.

Mark realized he hadn’t answered yet. “I think I did,” he mumbled.

“You could’ve slept on my bed, you know,” Jackson said. “Maybe that would’ve made your sleep better.”

“It’s okay. I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

Jackson’s hand slipped from Mark’s cheek, returning awkwardly to his lap. Mark almost wanted to take his hand and put it back. He already missed the comfort after such a strange dream. 

Mark looked around. He saw that Jackson had been sitting on the floor beside him as he slept. Jackson’s previously occupied phone screen was growing dim a few inches away. Trying to act naturally, Mark leaned his head back against the mattress and tilted toward Jackson’s direction. He felt Jackson’s hair against the shell of his ear and figured he had reached close enough to his target to be satisfied. But Jackson caught on startlingly fast. He reached for Mark’s head, bringing him down to rest on his shoulder. Mark shifted, lying more comfortably. The touch barrier was broken. They stared at the opposite wall where Jackson’s television screen was black, idle for thought. Mark began to feel warm again, just like in his dream. Implications aside, his dream only made him fret over what would happen if he lost that warmth. He had never known how much Jackson meant to him as a friend until then. 

“Maybe we should just stay in,” Jackson suggested as if reading Mark’s mind. 

Mark abruptly sat up to face Jackson. “But what about your plans?”

“ _Our_ plans. They included you too.”

“Okay, but seriously. What about that girl Bambam was going to introduce you to?” Mark picked at a hangnail that didn’t exist.

“Actually, it’s a guy.”

“Oh… Oh?” Mark glanced at him, silently asking the question quickly surfacing to the air.

“Uh, yeah. After it didn’t really work out with a few girls, he started trying to pair me with guys. I-it’s still not working though. I haven’t really felt anything for any of them.”

Mark hummed, back to staring at his hands. Then he looked up again when Jackson didn’t say anything else. “Don’t worry. I’m not judging you or anything.”

Jackson nodded. “Okay.” Then he nodded more vigorously. “Okay, I didn’t want you thinking I was the same as that other guy in your theatre group.”

Mark shook his head incredulously. “No, I would never! I know you two aren’t the same. And it’s not like since you’re potentially into guys that you’d be into all guys. I’m sure you have standards.”

“Right, yeah.”

Mark tried to nonchalantly sit back against the mattress. However, Jackson felt a darker emotion clouding Mark’s conscious, but he couldn’t probe deeper no matter how much he focused in on it. Then Mark seemed to brush it away like nothing to focus on the present.

“So don’t you want to go meet this guy? It wouldn’t hurt to try again?”

Jackson shrugged. “I’d rather spend time with you. It makes me happier anyway.”

Mark didn’t mean to blush, but the sentiment took him by surprise. He looked away, embarrassed by Jackson’s words. 

Suddenly flustered, Jackson had to correct himself. “It takes too much energy to have to meet new people, you know? We’re comfortable now.”

“I mean, sure. I’m down for whatever.”

“Okay, great! Then let’s watch a movie here.”

“Isn’t that what we were going to do anyways?”

“But this is more cozy, right? We can stay in and lie in bed. I can provide the popcorn too. All for free. We don’t have to buy those overpriced candies.”

Mark laughed at how enthusiastic Jackson was. 

“Let me just text Bambam that we have to cancel.”

Mark nodded, and Jackson reached over for his phone. Not half a minute after the text went through, Jackson’s phone rang. Mark peered over and saw a ridiculous picture of Bambam blasting on his screen. Jackson rolled his eyes but accepted the call.

“Hey, Bam.”

Mark could hear Bambam yelling at Jackson over the line from where he sat.

“Whoa, whoa… slow down there… Listen can’t we just meet another time? …No, it’s not the end of the world. Bam—…Bam, I promise I’ll make it up to you next time… Yes, yes, good bye.”

“Is it bad?” Mark grimaced. “Should we actually just go?”

“It was just Bambam exaggerating like usual. He thinks the sky is falling because we have to delay me meeting this guy of his. I don’t even know his name yet, but Bambam swears we’re soulmates or something. Crazy, huh?”

“Yeah… crazy,” Mark repeated.

“So what do you want to watch?” Jackson bounded on to the next topic.

“Do you have any horror movies?”

“What?” Jackson nearly squealed. “Wh-who do you take me for?”

Mark squinted at him, an evil smile forming on his pretty features. “Don’t tell me you’re scared?”

“I-I’m not scared. I just think they’re dumb,” Jackson tried to defend himself.

“That’s why you watch them to laugh. Come on, do you have Netflix then? There’s one that I’ve been wanting to watch for a while now.” 

Mark gave Jackson puppy eyes that he would kill to protect, and there was really nothing else he could do but give in. “Fine, you pick. I’m going to go microwave the popcorn.”

Mark excitedly bounced up and down, already reaching for the remote. Jackson smiled to himself as he went downstairs to the kitchen.

“Hi, honey,” his mom greeted when she saw him. 

“Hi, mommy.” With Mark there, Jackson was a little embarrassed to still call his parents by such childish terms. However, now that he was alone, he felt it was safe to let his old habits slip out. 

“Aren’t you going out to meet Bambam soon?”

“No, Mark and I decided to stay in.” Jackson set the time for the popcorn.

His mother frowned. “Don’t tell me you’re giving up on your old friends to pursue someone new.”

“Mommy,” Jackson whined. He came up behind where she was cooking to wrap her in a big hug. Resting his head on top of her head, he was comforted by her presence. “It’s not like that. I just… I like spending time with him, and it’ll be awkward if I drag him around all the time to meet my other friends.”

His mom hummed at the new information. “So you like him,” she assessed.

“Mom!” Jackson quickly broke away to glance at the stairs, but there was no one in sight.

“It’s okay. You know I can keep a secret. Just promise me you’ll be safe.”

“I’ll be safe. It’s not like he even knows. And he’s definitely not interested.”

“Aw, honey, people can have a change of heart. You know, when your dad first approached me—.”

“Wah, I know! You’ve told this story many times.” Jackson stopped the microwave when the pops became sparse. He opened the steaming bag carefully and poured its contents into a big bowl.

“Are you going to be hungry for dinner?”

Jackson hesitated. “I’d feel bad if you made a portion for me after I told you I’d be out.”

“I don’t mind.”

“There are still hot pockets in the freezer. I can have that.”

“Mm, Okay.”

Jackson headed back up. When he opened the door, he was startled to find all the lights off. The only illumination came from the television. Stranger yet was Mark’s mood. He was… excited.

“Is this one of those situations where the guy surprises the girl by being completely naked on her bed and she runs out screaming?” Jackson asked to break up the nerves he felt gathering.

“What kind of porn do you watch,” came Mark’s amused response from the bed.

“Not porn, man. Real life. Guys are dickheads.”

“Not all guys.” Jackson could hear Mark’s smile despite the darkness. “Trust me. I’m fully clothed.”

“Not until proven otherwise—ow!” Jackson stubbed his toe on something. “Hey can’t I turn on the light? I can’t see anything.”

“Your eyes will adjust. Just come to the bed.”

“I’m holding food. This is a very dangerous situation.”

“I’ll let you see just how clothed I am.”

“But the _food_ , Mark.”

“But this sets the mood,” Mark protested.

“The mood?”

“The horror mood,” he answered without a beat of hesitance.

“Oh, right.” Jackson cursed himself. What the fuck other kind of mood would there be? This is Mark. They were friends. Nothing more. He stated the obvious, “We’re watching a horror movie.”

Jackson eventually made it to his bed with much help from Marks guidance. He set the bowl between their legs, setting the distance he knew better than to cross.

“You settled?”

Jackson steeled his nerves. “Yeah, go for it.”

Mark pressed the remote and the opening credits of the movie began. Jackson made it through the production self-advertisement, despite how many creepy spiders and wailing ghosts there were. Why did production companies have to use such despicable images in the opening credits when the movie hadn’t even begun yet?

Jackson had his hands balled into fists, willing himself not to jump. The screeching music had him on edge. The dark scenes had him peering at every movement on screen, afraid something was going to jump out. When the dead woman finally appeared in the mirror behind the main character, Jackson jolted so hard that the popcorn almost went flying across his sheets.

A suppressed snort brought Jackson back to reality. He looked over to see Mark laughing at him and trying in vain to hide it. Eventually, Mark gave up and released a high-pitched laugh. Jackson was mortified, but he couldn’t help smiling at Mark’s happiness, even if it was at his distress.

“That… that just took me by surprise,” Jackson attempted to defend himself.

“Sure,” Mark laughed. “You’re very brave.”

Jackson felt Mark staring at him. He could feel a gentle yellow cascading off of him in slow waves. He wanted to dive into it, to savor the joy in Mark’s disposition. It felt like flowers blooming in the spring, a hidden treasure that few stopped to witness. However, Jackson was on full alert to everything that was Mark.

“Stop it,” Jackson mumbled.

“Stop what?”

“I can feel you judging me.”

“I’m not,” Mark insisted. “Here, I’ll move the popcorn so you won’t knock it over. You can hold onto me if it makes you feel better.”

Jackson wasn’t going to kick a gift horse in the mouth. This wasn’t even just about trying to get any sort of physical contact out of Mark; the movie was utterly terrifying. How do people watch these things and remain sane?

After Mark pulled the bowl away, Jackson scooted in closer. Mark let him hold onto his arm. Jackson tried to nonchalantly half hide his head behind Mark as well so he wouldn’t have to see everything. He almost wished he could just spoon Mark from behind—for easier hiding access, of course—but that was probably asking for too much. Mark would never go for it.

Huddled up together on Jackson’s bed, Jackson’s heart began pounding hard for a reason other than the movie. He worried his hands were sweating too much where they were clutching Mark’s bicep over his t-shirt. He worried his pulse could be heard over the eerie soundtrack. He worried that maybe he was sitting too close due to instinct pulling him closer to the object of his attraction like an uncontrollable magnet. This was just a movie. Jackson was being far too troublesome.

Jackson tried scooting further away, but something jumped out at the screen, sending him flying up. Mark’s fingers were there instantly, curling around his shoulders and bringing him back to lie against him. Jackson’s head found its way onto Mark’s shoulder. 

“Don’t worry. I don’t mind,” Mark said, as if reading his mind.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, as long as you don’t have cooties,” Mark joked lightly.

Jackson was so surprised by the comment in this setting that he burst out laughing, chasing his fear away. Yet, when he turned back to face the television, he was confronted by a close up of the demonic woman’s face. Jolting, he buried his face in Mark’s shoulder. 

“Is this too much for you?”

“No, I’m fine.”

With Mark’s arm casually wrapped around his shoulder, Jackson was cuddled up against Mark’s side. Despite the absolute terror that was this movie and the likely ensuing nightmares, this setup wasn’t something Jackson was ready to give up yet.

“Really? We can stop and watch something else if you want.”

“But you really wanted to see this one, right? I can do it.”

“I don’t want to torture you.”

“This isn’t torture,” Jackson replied, snuggling in closer. He wrapped an arm around Mark’s stomach. Abruptly, he felt a novel pinkness warm his blood. He looked up at Mark, but the latter’s attention was diverted back to the movie. That must have been his own emotion. It certainly felt new, but Jackson had also never encountered someone like Mark before. He had never known himself to be so lost in another person. It was a little scary, but it was thrilling. So when they touched, it was like Jackson’s heart was set aflame, burning away his inhibitions and making him want to do some less than appropriate things while they were cuddled up in his bed. 

The rest of the movie passed without any major upsets. They stared at the credits rolling against the black backdrop as the eerie music continued, simply absorbing the ending. 

“That means everything that happened to that family is going to happen again, isn’t it?” Jackson wailed.

“And so the cycle continues,” Mark said ominously.

Jackson sent a bitter glare his way, which Mark chuckled at.

“You really don’t do horror movies, do you? Why’d you lie?”

“I… I didn’t think it’d be that bad.”

“But you scare so easily,” Mark said gently. 

“You seemed so excited for it though.” Jackson squeezed around Mark’s waist tighter, afraid to be scolded. 

“You don’t have to do everything I like.”

“But I wanted to spend time with you. Did you not enjoy it?”

“Would I sound too sadistic if I said I enjoyed watching you freak out more?”

“Just a little,” Jackson pouted.

“Sorry?” Mark said, not meaning it.

“Ugh, but now I’m going to have so many nightmares tonight. I won’t be able to stop seeing that demon lady’s face haunting me.” Jackson rubbed his face against Mark’s shoulder. “Ma-rk, save me.”

“I can sleep over if that’ll help. Since you like my company so much.”

Jackson jolted. He hadn’t even thought about that; he was only complaining for the sake of being difficult. “But your parents?”

“They’re not even home tonight. They wouldn’t care anyway.”

“It’s a Sunday.”

“I can drop by my house to get my stuff for tomorrow.”

Jackson couldn’t suppress the smile coming on. “If you’re sure, I’d love to have you.” He paused. “Have you sleep over—I mean!”

“I’ll go home first then, before it gets too late. Will you be okay here by yourself?”

Jackson stared at the familiar walls encasing them that seemed to grow more suspicious as the minutes wore on in the darkness. Without his realizing, the credit roll ended and the trumpeting of the production’s logo had Jackson squealing and drawing closer to Mark.

“I’m taking that as a no,” Mark responded. “Come with me.”

 

Mark drove them a few minutes to his house. It had begun drizzling outside while they were in. Unlocking the front door, Jackson saw that his house was pitch black. Jackson clung on a little tighter to the back of the jacket Mark threw on before they left. Mark turned on all the lights for him so that he wouldn’t get scared. They went upstairs so Mark could pack an overnight bag.

“Do I need pajamas?” He asked, toothbrush and deodorant in hand.

“You can just wear those,” Jackson replied from where he was sitting on Mark’s bed. He nodded to the clothes he lent to Mark.

After packing his school uniform and grabbing his backpack, Mark was ready to leave. They headed downstairs, and Mark paused to turn off all the lights again. Although Jackson logically knew that there was nothing hiding in the shadows where light once resided, that didn’t stop irrational fear from consuming him.

“Mark… what if she’s waiting under your car to grab our ankles as we try to get in?”

“She’s not,” Mark said, his back turned as he locked up the front door. “There is no ‘she’ at all. Here, look.” He went to the car and shined his phone’s flashlight underneath. “There’s no one here.”

Jackson still hesitated at the doorway. That is, until he heard something rustle in the bushes to his left and he bolted into Mark’s arms. It was such instinct, that Jackson hadn’t even had time to redirect his path. Clutching onto Mark desperately, he could feel Mark’s chest shake against his head as he laughed. He sensed how ridiculous Mark clearly thought this all was from his yellow emotions. However, Jackson couldn’t so easily shake the “horror mood” that Mark insisted to put on.

“That was probably just a rabbit.” Yet, Mark’s arms still naturally came up to hold Jackson close protectively. 

“Shut up,” Jackson said into Mark’s chest. It wasn’t very convincing.

“Alright,” Mark opened the passenger door with one hand and gestured Jackson in with the other. “Get in the car, princess.”

Jackson got in, adrenaline still making him tremble a little. He couldn’t even address how his heart pounded when Mark uttered that word, “princess.” There was the sarcasm dusting across the surface of course, but underneath was that same pink glow of endearing emotions. 

It was illegal how dark it got so early into the night now that it was nearing winter. Just as it was unfair how Mark looked at him with the low uplighting of the dashboard. His eyes were soft, his mood soft. Jackson knew he was likely reading into the whole situation wrong, but he couldn’t shake the impression that Mark really cared for him. Although they did not share affections of the same strain, Jackson’s being romantic and Mark’s being platonic, that notion in itself comforted Jackson.

“Are you okay now?” Mark asked.

“Yeah,” Jackson breathed, and the only lie in his response was just how true it really was. Sure, the situation wasn’t ideal, but it was the best he could honestly hope for. 

 

It was only once they made it back inside Jackson’s house safely that he finally relaxed. Jackson ran straight for the fridge since the faded adrenaline left him starved just like any teenage boy. Opening the door, he saw that his mom had in fact wrapped up two portions of that night’s dinner, despite his insistence that they were okay. Now that the hunger had kicked in, he was eternally grateful for his mother’s foresight.

There was a little note on top that read:

_I thought you and Mark would get hungry sooner or later._  
With love,  
Mom ♥︎ 

“Your mom is so nice,” Mark said from over Jackson’s shoulder where he had been reading the note.

Jackson jumped a little, not realizing Mark was so close. “Yeah, she’s the best. So, you hungry?”

“Starved.”

They ate their microwaved plates on the kitchen counter. Jackson tried to keep the conversation going, as he was prone to, talking about the most mundane things with his abnormal flair. All was going well until Jackson saw lightning outside the window as he brought his dish to the sink. He came running back to Mark’s side.

“Oh my god this happened before she attacked that family in the movie too! Are we next?”

“Next for what?”

“She’s going to possess one of us and make us kill the other!”

“What’s happening?” Mark asked, feeling like he had missed something. 

“There’s a storm outside!” As the words left Jackson’s mouth, thunder rumbled overhead.

Mark rolled his eyes. “Do we live in Illinois? No, so we’re safe.”

“But—!”

“No ‘but’s. Let’s get ready for bed.” Mark walked past the floundering Jackson to put his plate in the sink. “Are you sure we don’t have to wash these?”

“It’s fine.”

“Okay, then let’s go up.”

Jackson hesitated by the wall, not wanting to go where the light didn’t reach. Mark stared at him, willing him to move with his eyes. When he saw that Jackson wasn’t going to budge, he ran up the stairs, turning on all the lights up to Jackson’s room.

“Now come up here,” Mark said from the top of the stairs. “I’ll turn off the lights after you.”

Jackson glanced warily down the hallway behind the stairs, in between the kitchen and where he needed to be. Shrouded in shadows, the place looked creepier than it had in years, since back when he was a child afraid of monsters lurking in the dark. Clearly, not much had changed since then. 

Suddenly, Mark was in front of him, hand extended. Jackson took it. 

“You’re safe with me,” Mark said, sounding more mature than his years. “Don’t forget that.”

Jackson nodded, heart thumping. This new image did nothing if not impress him beyond words. It was unbelievably sexy how authoritative Mark could sound.

Hand in hand, Mark led him to the bathroom and instructed him to brush his teeth. Mark went back downstairs to bravely fight off the monsters and switch off the lights for Jackson. When finished, he joined Jackson at the sink. After they washed their faces as well, Mark led Jackson back to his own room. 

“I… I have an air mattress, if you want. I can blow it up.” Jackson held on to Mark’s hand while he still legally could within the bounds of their friendship, but he stared out down the dark hall with a sense of duty. The mattress was in the closet across the hall. If it meant Mark’s comfort in return for taking care of Jackson, it was worth being jumped by a ghost.

“I mean sure, but you look like you need someone to hold you while you sleep so that she-demon won’t drag you by the ankles out of your room.”

Jackson squeaked, eyes wide in horror. He unintentionally clenched harder onto Mark’s hand. “W-would she really?”

Mark laughed. “God, you’re too easy.” But Jackson’s expression did not change. “No, not really. But I’ll sleep with you in your bed if that’ll make you feel better.”

“I-I think so… thanks.”

“Jeez, you make me feel so bad for making you watch that.” Mark rubbed the top of Jackson’s head with his free hand. Jackson looked up into Mark’s eyes and was utterly taken by their depth, their purity of affection. The pinkness of Mark’s emotions had Jackson feeling hopeful until his next words hit. “It’s like taking care of a little kid.”

“Sorry I’m such a baby,” Jackson muttered.

“It’s cute,” Mark reassured. “Do you want to watch another movie to ease your mind?”

“I actually have to finish my calc homework,” Jackson admitted, releasing his hold on Mark’s hand. “You can use the TV if you want. I have some games.”

“Nah,” Mark shrugged. “Just let me borrow your phone charger.”

Jackson pulled the cord out from under his desk. “It reaches the bed.”

Jackson begrudgingly pulled out his textbook and notebook from his backpack. He only had ten problems so it shouldn’t be too bad. However when he flipped to the right page, he let out a loud groan.

“What is it?”

Jackson turned to see Mark lying on his stomach facing Jackson from the bed.

“Each question has like a hundred parts. This might take longer than anticipated.”

“I know. I already did it.”

“Oh yeah. We have math together.”

Mark nodded.

“Well I might flunk out of that class so we may not be together next semester.”

“That bad?”

“You have no idea. My coach has been riding my ass about my grade since basically week one.”

“I can help you. I’m not bad.”

“Really? You’re a lifesaver!” Jackson returned to his homework only to slowly turn back around. “I think I need help with the first problem.”

They ended up sprawled on Jackson’s bed as Mark helped him do the homework. Jackson noticed Mark texting in between questions and wondered who the recipient was. Was it Hani? Was it someone else completely that he didn’t even know? With Mark’s open relationship, Jackson really had no clue. He looked back to his notebook, but he couldn’t shake the jealousy over this invisible person who clearly got more of Mark’s texting attention than him. Compared to their hour-long intervals between texts, these responses seemed near instantaneous. Jackson tapped his fingers impatiently as he solved the series of derivatives that Mark explained to get the answer. Flipping to the back of the book, he was relieved to find his answer was correct.

“Mark, you are a genius.”

“I just pay attention in class.”

“I do too! It’s not fair.”

Mark smiled shyly at the compliment. “Do you think you can do the last one on your own then? It’s the same format as the other ones.”

Jackson stared at it, eyebrows scrunched in determination. “I’ll try.”

Mark laughed lightly from beside him.

“What is it?” Jackson asked self-consciously. He vaguely wondered if the laugh wasn’t even for him anyway. If the person Mark was texting had sent something funny…

“Nothing, you’re just cute,” Mark replied casually, throwing Jackson off balance. That was the second time that Mark said that he was cute within the same night, and Jackson was sure his heart stopped for a beat. 

He stammered, “I-I’m not.”

Mark just shrugged with a slight smirk twisting his features. Then he returned to his phone.

Jackson tried to focus back on calculus, but it was getting increasingly more difficult the more he thought about how close their bodies were. Jackson’s leg was resting across Mark’s to fit on the cramped bed with the covers piled up in the other corner. They were sitting well into each other’s space, and Mark didn’t seem bothered in the slightest. Jackson wondered if Mark was used to being touched, given his track record, but just imagining Mark’s past and potentially his present made Jackson’s skin crawl unpleasantly. 

“Hey, you aren’t working,” Mark snapped.

Jackson looked up to see Mark looking at him and not at his phone. “Sorry.”

“I’ve never seen you so deep in thought,” Mark mused. “What was that about?”

“N-nothing.”

“Was it about someone you like?” Mark pressed, nudging his arm.

“Maybe,” Jackson muttered, picking his pencil back up. He wrote down the problem. He refused to shift his eyes away from the pages in front of him. He pretended he couldn’t feel how Mark startled at his response.

“You won’t share? Does Bambam know?”

“Nope.”

“What? C’mon, I thought we were friends.”

“Yeah, we are, but I’m just… not ready yet.”

“Okay.” Mark paused. “What if I used my bet?”

Jackson’s head shot up, thoughts running wild. If he were forced into telling Mark that he liked him, what would he do? Would Mark run out the door and never talk to him again? He could already picture Mark’s look of frozen shock, before he’s packing up and saying that this was too much, that Jackson betrayed his trust as friends. Jackson could not stand that happening, but how could he possibly lie and give a name that meant nothing to him? There was no way he could lie under the gaze that made his heart weak.

Jackson couldn’t suppress this fear in his eyes before Mark saw them reflected in his irises. 

“I’m just kidding,” Mark said. “I’m not that mean.”

Jackson nodded.

In their silence, Jackson tuned out the awkwardness and took the time to just take a breath. The sudden confrontation made him panic. If only he just said that no, he didn’t like anyone, nothing would have happened. Jackson swung the pencil between his fingers. Right, math. That’s what he should be thinking about. He finished the problem easily. After checking he was correct, he slammed the textbook shut.

“I did it!”

“It only took two hours,” Mark said sarcastically.

“It did not! One and a half.”

“Should we go to bed?”

“Isn’t it kind of early?”

“You’re right it’s not even eleven.” 

Jackson pondered. “What do girls do during sleepovers? Should we do each other’s makeup and talk about horoscopes?”

“That is so stereotypical,” Mark giggled. “How about no to the makeup.”

“Horoscopes, then. What’s your sign?” Jackson asked sleazily, sliding right up against Mark.

“Who’s asking?” Mark joked back.

“A handsome man alone at the bar trying to buy you a drink.”

“Man? You’re hardly an adult.”

“I’m 18 in four months!” Jackson realized that Mark didn’t question the ‘handsome’ part but decided not to say anything. 

“And I’m already 18. Wouldn’t this be an illicit relationship?”

“I won’t tell,” Jackson grinned.

“I’m a Virgo,” Mark relented.

“Whaat, that’s such a lie.”

“What the hell? People don’t just stop being Virgos the moment they lose their virginity.”

“I know, but you don’t exactly embody ‘the Virgin’.”

“That’s not all there is to the sign. I’m also supposed to be really clean and organized. You know, purity and all.”

“Huh,” Jackson thought back to how spotless Mark’s room was, especially now compared to his own. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“What about you?” Mark asked to shift the focus off of himself.

“Aries.”

“So… headstrong and impulsive? That sounds about right.”

Jackson pretended to glare at Mark, which catalyzed Mark’s laughter, only to explode when Jackson tackled him down onto the bed. Jackson could feel Mark laughing underneath him, body heaving with the effort. Getting partly up, Jackson stared at how breathless Mark looked, hair splayed and face contorted in happiness. A faint smile playing on his own face, he bathed in the glow of Mark’s emotions. He had never felt the other so _light_ before.

“Impulsive enough for you?”

Gradually, Mark’s laughter faded, and then he was simply looking up at Jackson. Even that seemed to move Jackson’s heart. He really was done for, Jackson knew, but he couldn’t help it.

“Should we look up our compatibility?” Jackson asked, intending for it to sound like a joke, but he was instantly afraid he had failed, coming across too desperate. He rolled off of Mark, coming to lie beside him on the bed instead.

“Sure,” Mark said. He reached across Jackson, not minding how he had to rest his stomach across Jackson’s chest to unplug his phone from the charger. Finding himself more comfortable sprawled across Jackson, he let his elbows give out lazily. 

When Jackson realized Mark wasn’t moving, he grabbed a pillow and stuffed it under his head so he could better look at him. He watched how Mark’s fingers nimbly tapped across the keyboard to search up his query. He studied the reddening dip of his lip as it was lodged between his teeth. 

“Wow,” Mark said suddenly. “We have full scores in compatibility and sex.”

“What? Really?” 

“See.” Mark showed Jackson his phone screen. “All except communication. That would probably be on me though anyway.”

“Wow, we’re pretty much perfect for each other. Wait, click that thing. I want to read what it says.”

Mark read the excerpt aloud.

“I’m going to have to lead you in sex?” Jackson interrupted. “I’m afraid it’s going to have to be the other way around.”

“Just because I’m experienced? I’m sure you’ll figure it out. It’s like… intuition.”

“You think I’m gonna be dominant though?”

“Because you’re so very ‘aggressive and passionate’?” Mark quoted. He glanced at Jackson’s face then turned his gaze toward Jackson’s bottom half. He slapped Jackson’s abs with the flat of his palm. “I can see it, Mr. Athlete.”

“Does that make you the bottom?” Jackson gauged Mark’s reaction down the length of his nose.

Mark flinched, glaring at Jackson defensively. “You are not sticking anything in me.”

“Don’t worry, Markie,” Jackson stroked the top of his head. “I’ll be gentle.”

Mark slapped his hand away, sitting up from Jackson’s torso. “You can go be gentle by yourself.” He crawled over to the edge of the bed and retrieved the plug where it had fallen. He sat alone at the corner of the bed, reading through the text messages he had gotten while they were talking. 

“I’m sorry. I’d let you stick it in me,” Jackson suggested carefully.

“Not funny,” Mark said, still perturbed.

Even worse still, the yellow glow that surrounded Mark was flickering out. Jackson watched on in horror as it was replaced by that same gray cloud that he first saw Mark carrying. This was before Jackson had reached out to grab Mark’s hand in the middle of class and before they had officially introduced to work on a project together two weeks later. It felt like so much time had passed between them, only to revert back to this. Granted, it was only two weeks that they were friends, but those two weeks were a lifetime. As their days side by side wore on, Jackson hadn’t noticed how Mark’s aura had slowly transformed to incorporate more colors. He couldn’t say if it was his effect, but he was nevertheless terrified to see it go.

Jackson scooted closer uncertainly. Curling up around Mark, he hugged him from behind like a giant teddy bear and rested his chin on Mark’s shoulder.

“What happened that you’re so traumatized?”

Jackson kept his arms around Mark’s waist, securely above the belt, as he waited for a response.

“It’s that guy I was telling you about before.”

“Which…?”

“Brian, from my theatre class. The one who asked me out with Shakespeare.”

“Oh, so now he has a name.”

“Of course he has a name,” Mark snapped.

“Sorry,” Jackson winced. “So tell me about him.”

“It was the next time we were at a party together—well, it wasn’t really a party. It was more of a small get-together with close friends to send me off. This was before I knew it was him that sold me out. But so anyway, he drank and got super touchy as usual, except he drank way more than he should’ve. I don’t know, maybe he was emotional. But I was so stupid not to see it when he asked to talk to me alone. I agreed. We went to an empty room.”

“Oh no… did he?”

“He… he slammed me against the wall a-and—,” Mark broke off.

“Shh, it’s okay. You don’t have to tell me if it’s bad,” Jackson comforted, squeezing around Mark harder. He wished he could turn him around to see his face, but just being close like this should be good enough. 

“No, no, I really should. I’ve never told anyone this,” Mark sniffed, and Jackson wondered if he was crying. “H-he choked me, threatened me… he kept trying to take my pants off, but he was so drunk he couldn’t figure out my belt buckle, so he just… grabbed me over them. H-he kept rubbing himself onto my backside a-and— He tried to kiss me, but I kind of just punched him in the face and ran out. I don’t know. This probably sound so stupid, but it was so scary in the moment.”

Mark quickly wiped at his eyes, hoping Jackson wouldn’t see.

“It’s not stupid. You have every right to be scared. I would’ve been terrified.”

“But nothing actually happened, so I-I feel like—.”

“You’re wholly justified,” Jackson insisted. He nestled his head against Mark’s neck. “Trauma is trauma. You don’t need physical scars to prove anything to me.” Suddenly, he sat up. “Wait, is this much okay? You don’t mind being touched?”

“I don’t know,” Mark looked at his hands where they were trapped under Jackson’s hold, but he knew he was free to remove them whenever he felt uncomfortable. “I usually do, but this much seems okay.”

“You’re comfortable?” Jackson asked. He looked at how his legs framed Mark’s and where his front was flush up against Mark’s back. This wasn’t just casual physical contact. They were _close_ , even for Jackson’s standards. Hardly anyone has ever let Jackson get this chummy willingly.

“Yeah,” Mark affirmed. Then he looked at Jackson with a cheeky smile. “Maybe it’s you.”

Jackson stared into Mark’s eyes until he got embarrassed and dropped his gaze only to look directly at Mark’s lips and just how close they were to his. Full and pink, they were gorgeous. Jackson relived his reasoning for drunkenly placing a clumsy kiss against them and was all too tempted to redo it. However, there were the boundaries erected around Mark from his past. Like an impenetrable armor, Jackson didn’t dare try only to be rejected and flung away like a broken sword. Just like that, Mark could break him so easily, and he didn’t want to be viewed in the same light as that damned molester.

So Jackson turned away. He loosened his hold on Mark but did not let go. He turned his head to stare the other direction as he rested back on Mark’s shoulder.

“Don’t say that,” Jackson muttered.

“Why not? Weren’t you just saying how we are super compatible?”

“Yeah, but… I don’t know. I’m tired. Do you want to sleep?” Jackson ignored the confusion blaring off Mark like radio static. He wanted to be there for him, but it still hurt to be unintentionally led on like this.

“Sure.”

Jackson untangled himself from around Mark and stood up. He walked over to the light switch by the door. As soon as the lights flickered off, however, Jackson instantly recalled that horror movie. He was frozen in place. In his imagination, he saw the ghostly demon woman simultaneously peeking out from his closet, staring at him from the vents, and ready to grab his ankles from under his bed.

“Jackson?” Mark asked.

Right. Mark was here so he was safe. Mark could protect him. He just had to make it to his bed. He walked forward confidently but stepped down on something hard and unexpected. Jackson shot up into the air in fright at the same time lightning illuminated his entire room. The shadows awakened for a split second, and Jackson swore he saw someone staring at him from the window. 

Jackson jumped the rest of the way to his bed to avoid being grabbed or touched by anything supernatural. Only, in doing so, he landed right on top of Mark, barely missing punching him in the gut. Mark let out a surprised huff of air, reminding Jackson that what he did was probably totally inappropriate. However, when the subsequent thunder followed, rumbling deep into the night sky, Jackson curled up tighter around Mark’s body with a quiet whimper.

“Jackson, it’s okay. It’s just thunder,” Mark said. A hand came up to ruffle through Jackson’s hair. But Jackson shook his head and tried to nuzzle deeper into Mark. “At least get under the covers. You’re going to catch a cold if you sleep like this. And, it’s more protection from the monsters.”

Jackson relented at that. He let go of Mark for long enough for Mark to shuffle the blankets around the both of them. Jackson curled up into a ball at Mark’s side, head under the comforter and limbs tucked in securely.

“You’re such a scaredy cat.”

“I think I stepped on my textbook. My foot hurts.”

“I am not kissing that better,” Mark laughed.

“I appreciate the sentiment anyway,” Jackson responded.

He shut his eyes firmly, blocking out any sign of supernatural presences in his room. They were close enough that Jackson could smell the natural scent that Mark couldn’t wash away with Jackson’s soap. Jackson hummed, finding peace in their proximity—until a clap thunder resounded deeply into the night sky.

“Why is it still raining?” Jackson complained, clutching onto Mark. “Wasn’t it raining two hours ago?”

“I think it stopped and came back.”

Jackson groaned. “I wish it would just go away.”

Mark scooted down underneath the blankets with Jackson so that they could lie facing each other. Jackson could feel their hot breaths intermingling in the closed space like a greenhouse. 

“Don’t worry. You’re safe. I’m here, remember?” He held onto Jackson’s hand, and Jackson gripped back deathly tight.

Jackson nodded avidly.

“Try to get some sleep.”

 

It wasn’t long of Mark petting Jackson’s hair that his breathing evened, and Mark realized Jackson had fallen asleep. Mark leaned back, popping his head out of the covers because it was getting too hot. However, when he tried to move further away, Jackson followed like he was seeking his heat. So Mark turned back toward Jackson. As lightning flashed again, Mark studied Jackson’s sleeping face, the slight gap between his lips as he breathed deeply, the long fan of his eyelashes against his cheekbones. Mark didn’t realize how long he had been staring—his eyes had even adjusted to the dark. Thunder rumbled again and Jackson curled up closer into Mark’s chest. Mark was confronted with a nose full of Jackson’s hair, but he simply blew it away and settled his cheek against the soft locks. 

Mark closed his eyes, mind replaying what had transpired that day. It was startlingly easy how quickly they had resolved their strange tension. He had to admit their compatibility was insane. Even just playing basketball together, it was like Jackson could read his mind and always knew exactly how to respond to every play. He had never felt such a connection to anyone. It was like Jackson was aware of Mark’s present and future. It only made sense for Mark to want to reveal his past as well. Perhaps that’s what spurred him to admit what he had never told anyone.

Yet what really got to Mark was how Jackson could treat everyone like they were special, including Mark who was normally a forgotten face in the crowd. Mark was just a background character, but Jackson made him feel like the protagonist. When Jackson looked at him, it was like his eyes were only for him and they were telling him to speak up, to be heard. With Jackson there, it was so much simpler to open up to Bambam and Yugyeom. Jackson made him feel accepted.

Jackson let out a harsh breath and then whimpered softly. Mark opened his eyes, ready to comfort Jackson back to sleep. However, he saw that Jackson was still asleep, eyes shut but brows scrunched together. His lips were parted wider, and he let out another moan. Mark couldn’t tell if he was pained or having a nightmare so he cradled Jackson’s head against his chest and hoped that would calm him down. It seemed to work, and Jackson’s breathing evened out again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mark’s backstory has some slight nonconsensual actions. It is not explicit rape, but if it makes you uncomfortable, you can skip the part where he talks about the guy from his theatre class, Brian. Maybe skip straight to the part where Jackson says “You’re wholly justified”?
> 
> ///
> 
> So... now that you're done reading (hopefully), can we just talk about how sweet Markson is? Also, note the suspension bridge effect of horror movies where fear can be misconstrued as feelings of arousal. Maybe that had something to do with Mark feeling pink~ maybe not~ Are feelings starting to change? Well, Mark still thinks they're friends, and he's afraid to lose that.
> 
> <3
> 
> P.S. Do you really think Jackson would be having a nightmare? Heheheh
> 
> Edit: http://www.compatible-astrology.com/aries-virgo.html this is the website I used for their horoscopes


	7. Fairplay

Jackson woke with his heart pounding and his entire body hot. He couldn’t remember how he ended up wrapped up in Mark’s embrace. The only thought in his mind was the intense dream he had. He was still shaky with endorphins. Although he had expected a nightmare, he instead saw Mark in his imagination. It was Mark with his hair slicked back, buttons to his uniform undone. He sat on the school desk at the end of the day, sun streaming golden as it prepared to set, waiting for Jackson. 

Back in reality, Jackson took a shuddering breath. He shifted, trying to find sleep—and maybe that dream—again but found instead with a jolt that he was hard. Eyes wide, he froze. He had to get to the bathroom without Mark waking up and catching him. 

Sliding out from Mark’s arms, Jackson slipped off the bed and pattered out of his room to the bathroom down the hall in complete darkness. He had completely forgotten his fright as arousal weighed heavy in his mind. He flipped on the lights and leaned against the wall. He pulled down his pants, quickly grabbing himself to relieve the need. He moaned softly at the touch. 

Desperate, he tried to recall his dream as he stroked down his length. Mark’s eyes on him had been glowing, drawing him in like a predator. When Jackson stepped in, the door magically closed behind him, shutting out the rest of the world. It no longer mattered that they were in a public space, that there were windows peering into the classroom. 

Dream Mark had been on him in an instant, pushing him back against the desk. Mark’s hands were on his hips, his lips moving down from his lips to his jaw. With practiced ease, he was undoing Jackson at the seams. Jackson moaned as Mark’s hand slipped into his pants and grabbed him with just the right pressure. Mark had flipped him around. One hand still on is length, the other began prepping him from behind. As Mark’s finger slipped in, Jackson’s knees went weak. He probed deep inside of him, and it felt like heaven descended on earth to bless him.

Back in the lonely chill of the bathroom, Jackson was still burning with the memory of sleeping with Mark’s warmth. He almost slipped down the wall when he recalled how sexy the Mark from his imagination had looked as he stared at his fingers inside of Jackson. Jackson reached back to rub at the ring of his entrance but did not dare enter. He had never done something like this before. So he only focused on pleasuring his front, pretending that his hand was Mark’s, that Mark was holding him up instead of this wall. Yet his left finger was gaining confidence, and he stuck it in to the first knuckle. Although the feeling wasn’t as instantly rewarding as it had been in his dream, there was still something innately thrilling about the inappropriate stretch.

Jackson clamored over to the sink counter, pumping out a blob of lotion from the bottle sitting beside the soap. Lubing up his middle finger, he bent over the sink for better access. He grabbed himself around the base of his cock as a shiver ran up his spine at the chill of the lotion. Circling around the wrinkled skin to relax himself, he gently eased in his finger. He let out a breathy moan at the pressure. This was a totally new feeling. As he pulled out, he couldn’t help feeling a little dirty. However, when he started moving his hand up and down his length again, the shuddering arousal was back at full force. 

Mind full of how real that dream had felt, Jackson quickly neared the edge. Panting hard, he sped up the rhythm of his hand. The moan he was ready to let out abruptly choked in his throat as a knock sounded at the door.

“Jackson?”

It was Mark.

“Y-yeah?” His voice came out strangled. He was so close that he was gasping trying to hold back. He stared at how impossibly hard he was, feeling incredibly exposed with how Mark was right outside the door. He still had his damn finger inside of himself.

“Are you okay in there?”

“Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You were gone for a while. I was just wondering.”

“Upset stomach,” he lied, squeezing his eyes closed in prayer. Would Mark buy it?

“Oh okay. Do you need anything? Water, crackers?”

Jackson couldn’t help it. The need overcame his sanity, and his hands resumed their action. He pushed his finger in deeper, eyes rolling back. He bit his lip hard to refrain from moaning aloud.

“Hello? Jackson?” Mark asked, and Jackson shivered at the sound of his name.

He couldn’t ask, could he? It would be so bad if Mark found out. But when else would he ever have a chance like this?

“C-could you talk to me?”

“What do you want me to talk about?”

“I don’t know… Anything.”

“Um, I did have a weird dream about us.”

So as Mark narrated how they were at school as spies on a secret mission, Jackson lost himself in the deep tone of Mark’s sleepy voice. It was less than a minute before Jackson was spilling into his hand with a gasp and a barely contained moan. His liquid ran viscous and white, rolling down his knuckles thickly. As soon as he finished, the fog of his arousal cleared and he felt terrible for using Mark unknowingly like this. 

“Thanks, I feel better now,” Jackson interrupted Mark’s rambling when he ran out of dream plot. 

It felt so wrong. Jackson stared at the mess all over his hands like a crime scene. What really was the difference between him and that guy who scarred Mark? If they both sought after Mark so desperately that they would go to such disgusting ends to engage with him.

“Are you going to come back to bed?”

Jackson closed his eyes, bathing in how domestic Mark sounded. He didn’t deserve that. 

“Yeah, I will.”

Grabbing some toilet paper, Jackson cleaned up and threw the waste into the toilet. He flushed for effect then washed his hands. When he opened the door, he was confronted with a sleepy Mark waiting for him. His hair was messy from sleep, and he rubbed his eyes at the bright light.

“I thought you might be too scared to walk back alone in the dark.”

“What?” Jackson asked before remembering. He wailed, “Ahh, I totally forgot! I didn’t even think about it!”

“Your stomach must’ve really hurt then,” Mark commented, taking Jackson’s hand in his. They walked back to his room, and Jackson tried not to think about how that hand had just been on his dick.

“Yeah, I don’t know what I ate.”

“We ate the same things.”

“Well, not completely. It might’ve been that pasta I ate for lunch. The expiration date got peeled off. I don’t even remember when we got it.”

“You should’ve just thrown it away… it’s not worth getting sick for.”

“You’re right.”

Mark’s phone buzzed against the nightstand as they entered Jackson’s bedroom. The screen flashed with a series of unread messages. Mark’s hand fell from Jackson’s, and Jackson was hurt by the abandonment, despite how trivial it was. Standing by the bed, Mark typed back rapidly; his aura sparked with sunshine-yellow amusement. Unbearably curious, Jackson cautiously approached and peered over Mark’s shoulder, ready to be reprimanded for looking. However, Mark didn’t seem to mind. He leaned back a little into Jackson’s chest.

“Who’s texting you this late at night?” Jackson asked.

“It’s Youngjae. He’s been super excited about finding this new game. He was texting me all day, trying to get me to play with him.”

“Oh,” Jackson responded. Was this the faceless person that had inflicted so much jealousy in Jackson as he tried to focus on his calculus homework? He felt ridiculous for jumping to such conclusions about Mark sleeping around. However, that didn’t cease his envy for the response time that Youngjae received compared to him. Why did Mark value texting him so much more? Was it simply because they shared similar interests? Could that be all it was?

“Come on. Let’s sleep,” Mark said when he was done typing. Jackson heard him flip his ringer off before setting it back on the nightstand. 

Mark got Jackson into bed and tucked them both in. This time, instead of Jackson making the first move. Mark naturally curled into Jackson’s body as if they had been sleeping together like this for years. It was fortunate, as Jackson had been too scared of himself to want to push Mark too far. However, it wasn’t as if Mark was aware of what had actually conspired in the bathroom. He was blind to the explicit feelings Jackson possessed, feelings that left his whole aura red every time he saw the former. To Mark, this could be seen as platonic, and Jackson was grateful for that.

“So why did you want me to talk to you?” Mark mumbled sleepily. “I can’t just talk on the spot.”

“It… comforted me,” Jackson said slowly.

“Mm, everyone always tells me to talk more because I’m boring.”

“I don’t think you’re boring!” Jackson’s eyes flashed open in protest, but he saw that Mark’s were still closed. When he didn’t respond, Jackson realized he had fallen asleep. Jackson’s heart ached at how beautiful Mark looked. He leaned forward close enough for the tips of their noses to bump. It would be so easy to kiss Mark like this, but that would be hundreds times worse than simply using him to fantasize. Jackson didn’t have the right. He would probably never be able to regularly sleep facing the other, to kiss Mark every morning until he woke up sweetly. So instead Jackson pressed the pad of his thumb to the fullness of Mark’s lip. The corners of Mark’s mouth seemed to twitch up at the touch, but that could’ve been just Jackson’s overactive imagination. Jackson retracted his thumb and pressed that same spot against his own mouth, pretending it was Mark.

 

The next day, people stared as Mark and Jackson walked into the classroom laughing together. When Jackson sat down at his seat, Jooheon confronted him about this new development. Jackson brushed it off, saying it was fate that they would become friends. However, he knew every time he caught Jinyoung giving him hopeful looks that it was more likely that the student teacher had hoped to help Mark, the new kid, gain more friends by pairing with Jackson, the most talkative kid. Or, still, his original suspect: Jaebum. 

Jackson had noticed Jaebum more frequently leaving him to walk home alone after practice and wondered just where the latter was going. He had a suspicion that tutoring sessions weren’t supposed to be this frequent or this late at night.

“Hey, you know Jackson’s getting really close with Mark?” Jooheon asked Jaebum across the lunch table with his mouth stuffed with cafeteria pizza.

“How so?” Jaebum inquired.

“They slept together.”

Jackson rolled his eyes. “He stayed over,” Jackson corrected. He neglected to mention that it was only because he had reverted to a five year old afraid of the dark.

“It’s progress,” Jaebum noted.

“You should ask him to sit with us.”

“And introduce him to your insanity? No way. Anyway, speaking of progress,” Jackson continued, ignoring the offended look Jooheon flashed at him. “How are you and Jinyoung?”

Jaebum groaned, falling across the table. “Don’t ask me about that. We aren’t really on good terms right now.”

“What happened?”

“He made a big deal about me not being an adult and I kind of exploded at him. But I mean, it’s just a month and a half until I’m eighteen. This just isn’t fair.”

“It is a big deal. Mr. Park could potentially be arrested for something like this. You know they keep things like this on your record forever?” Jooheon rationalized.

“Don’t try to be logical. His heart hurts,” Jackson assessed. He wrapped an arm around Jaebum’s broad shoulders.

“Well not everyone can live in your rose-colored high school romance,” Jooheon stuck his tongue out at Jackson.

“It’s hardly rose-colored. Mark is a hundred percent not gay.”

“But that doesn’t mean he is a hundred percent straight,” Jaebum countered, lifting his head.

Jackson pushed his head back down. “You stay down. I don’t need your word play. Save it for Jinyoung when you apologize.”

 

Practice ended late that day, and Jackson was in a glum mood after not getting enough time with Mark during class. Plus, it was a Monday. How much worse could it get? It would have been so much easier if he could just follow Jooheon’s suggestion and invite him to lunch. Then he’d have a whole period to just cuddle against Mark. Maybe they could even feed each other fries or something sickly sweet like that. Or would that be too much? Jackson didn’t know where their boundaries lay.

Jackson and Jaebum headed out for the nearby mall to grab dinner after practice. Jackson anxiously checked his phone on the way there, but he should’ve known better than to expect Mark to text him first. He was however too nervous to dare send that first text, even if it was something as simple as a ‘Hey.’

“It’s totally not fair for the coach to work us past six,” Jackson complained as they waited in on eat the food court. His stomach grumbled audibly. “We still have all that damned calc homework to do too.”

“Well, he can do whatever he wants. I think he just doesn’t want to go home to his wife.”

“Is that what happens when you get married?” Jackson shivered. “Because I would never want to stop seeing Mark.”

“So how was your sleepover actually? Did you bring out the air mattress then huddle up under pillow forts and talk all night?”

“We actually slept in my bed together,” Jackson admitted, cheeks flushing.

“No way.”

“Yeah, we kind of… cuddled even.”

“Wow he must really like you? I would never let you spoon me. Not for a thousand dollars.”

“Ten thousand?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“And anyway, we weren’t spooning. We were, like, facing each other, you know?”

Jaebum nodded slowly. “That’s so much more… intimate.”

Jackson looked aside. “It’s making things so much harder on me. I keep wanting to push things, but now I can’t afford to lose his friendship. He’s too precious to me.”

“How did he feel during it?” Jaebum asked and Jackson knew exactly what he meant.

“He felt… pink. Like, affectionate, sweet. It’s like how you are with your cats. I don’t know if it was just a projection of my own feelings though, like that shit they talked about in AP Psych.” Jackson took a deep breath before continuing his rant. “I keep wanting him to feel the same way that it’s messing with my senses. Sometimes, I’m not even sure what’s real and what isn’t. He might even be thinking about cuddling someone else, like Hani, when he’s in bed with me. Because people do that, you know. You’re talking to them, but they’re off thinking about their own shit and feelings things that don’t make any sense. You do that too, you know. I’m talking to you, but you’re thinking about Jinyoung.”

Jaebum rubbed the back of Jackson’s neck to comfort him. “Don’t worry too much. I’m sure it’ll work out fine. You said he doesn’t feel that ‘red’ or whatever with Hani, right? So why would he be feeling it when he’s away from her?”

“Distance makes the heart grow fonder,” Jackson muttered.

After they got their trays of cheap Chinese food, they walked around looking for a place to sit. However, the whole seating area was full so they sat on a ledge by the fountain for making wishes with coins. Starved, they shoveled food into their mouths until their stomachs were contented. Jackson couldn’t even find the effort to speak. 

“Hey, what does your fortune cookie say?” Jackson asked.

“Patience will be worth the wait,” Jaebum read aloud.

Jackson snorted. “You definitely need that.”

“Shut up. What about you?”

“‘People are naturally attracted to you.’” Jackson scoffed. “I wish it were that easy.”

“I wonder if it’s a sign,” Jaebum mused. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s a cookie.”

Jaebum stared at him. It was strange for Jackson to be so rational. He usually loved frivolous things like this, claiming that it further proved fate’s claim to their love. He must be desperate to separate his feelings for Mark, and Jaebum sympathized for him.

As they went to throw their waste away, Jackson saw a familiar face catch the corner of his eye. “Hey, wasn’t that—?” he began.

“Jinyoung-ie?”

“Jinyoung- _ie_?” Jackson repeated incredulously.

“But why is he with…?”

“That girl is really dragging him around.”

“But he doesn’t seem annoyed by it.” Jaebum grabbed at Jackson’s arm. “Jackson, tell me how he feels.”

“I can’t tell! We’re too far.”

“Jackson, _please_!”

Jackson abruptly opened up to the jealous hurt plaguing Jaebum’s aura, and he turned to see it clearly reflected in his eyes as well. Jaebum, with the pride of a feline, was looking at Jackson with desperation. Jackson’s prudence crumbled, and he steeled himself for confrontation.

“Okay, okay. Let’s go say hi.”

“But that’s so awkward.”

“Do you want to know or not?”

“Fine,” Jaebum relented, getting up off the bench.

They approached the couple. As they neared, Jackson couldn’t help feeling like he recognized the girl with burnt red hair.

“Isn’t that—?”

“Hani?” Jaebum interrupted. “Is she two-timing Mark?”

“Is it cheating if it’s an open relationship?” Yet, as Jackson said the words, he felt pain on Mark’s part. He ached to know who would do something so cruel to someone so pure.

“But why would Jinyoung go for someone like that?”

“Sugar daddy?” Jackson bit.

“It’s not like he’s loaded. He’s a student.”

When they got close enough to touch, Jaebum couldn’t help himself anymore. He lurched forward to grab Jinyoung by the elbow. Jinyoung whirled around, looking about ready to sock someone in the face or tell him or her off, both of which would be equally vicious coming from Jinyoung. However, once he saw it was just Jaebum, his expression fell.

“Jaebum?”

“What are you doing here?” Jaebum asked, eyes glaring at Hani even though he was gripping Jinyoung as if his life depended on it. 

“I—we were shopping.” Jinyoung looked down at where Jaebum was grabbing him. “Can you let go of me? We’re in public.”

Jaebum jolted back, afraid he had hurt him. “S-sorry.”

“If you don’t need anything, we’ll be going now. Don’t get too distracted from your studies. It’s a weekday.” Jinyoung took Hani by the arm to lead them away. 

Jackson sensed the hopelessness drowning Jaebum where he stood. Yet, strangely enough, he felt a similar disappointment exuding from Jinyoung as he tried to appear strong.

“Wait!” Jaebum called out. And there it was—that shared glimmer of golden hope from the both of them. “There is something I need… a-about the assignment. C-can I talk to you alone?”

Jinyoung let Jaebum grab him by the hand and lead him down the empty hall to the restrooms. That left Jackson and Hani awkwardly alone.

“Jinyoung always falls for the delinquent type, huh,” Hani sighed. She looked after the two.

“What? How often has this happened?” Jackson cocked an eyebrow.

“I’ve been watching him get his heart broken since I was eleven. What do you mean?” she flashed him an exasperated look.

“You’ve known him for that long?”

“Well, yeah, longer even. He’s my brother.”

“What?”

“Hello? Park? We’re related.” 

“It’s… it’s a common last name. I didn’t think… And you two are so different that I just…”

“Oh god, please don’t tell me they’re arguing over that right now.” Hani rolled her eyes. “This is why I hate going out with him. People always think we’re together. I can’t pick up any guys like that.”

The comment snapped something in Jackson where he was already defensive from Jaebum and Jinyoung’s emotions. 

“Is that really what you want?” Jackson asked, a little salty. “Aren’t you happy with Mark?”

Hani shot him a strange look, but she quickly plastered it over with a fake look of casualty… perhaps, annoyance? Underneath, though, Jackson could feel her amusement, and he didn’t understand.

“Oh, Mark’s Mark. He’s there when I need him. I’m there when he needs me. But this isn’t a long game thing. We’re both still searching for the right one, you know?”

Jackson didn’t really know but he nodded anyway.

“I’m not trying to sound more mature than you or anything. It’s just that we both agreed to help each other out. That’s just how it is. We were never meant to be.”

“But why does he have to be a step stool? Why can’t you genuinely seek your happily ever after with him?” Jacksons face scrunched up. He realized that he was putting himself in Hani’s place, wondering if Mark was just using him. He had to remind himself that they weren’t even close enough for that to be an issue. “Sorry, I…”

“I am seeking it,” Hani smiled. “I might have made some bad decisions, but I’m really trying to make up for them now. Trust me.”

Jackson nodded insincerely again. “Sorry for meddling.”

“No, it’s okay. I know Mark means a lot to you,” Hani smiled her sly smirk again. 

Jackson had to admit she really was beautiful. He could understand why Mark chose her. From the crinkle of her eyes to her full lips, she was full of life. Jackson only hoped his light could even compare to that. 

Jackson wasn’t aware that he was already shining so brightly in Mark’s life that he was completely blinded to the wiles he used to pursue. However, Hani was unusually perceptive to the motives of those around her. Often catching onto patterns before her subject even knew of his or her own heart, she was thus set at a position to watch over others. This also meant that she saw something different in Jackson as well. 

“You know, you really have a gift,” Hani noted seriously. “There’s something about you that I’ve never seen in anyone else.”

Jackson froze. She couldn’t mean _that_ gift, right?

“I mean, you are certainly inexperienced in relationships. I can tell that right off the bat. But I’ve watched you from a distance, and you always seem to have this intuition about other people. I’m glad Mark found someone like you. He rarely even talks to me, but with you… maybe you will be able to read his heart. He needs that.”

Jackson wet his lips nervously. Though it was clear that Hani didn’t have a concrete concept of what she was talking about, her intrinsic intuition was definitely terrifying. 

“I’ll try—,” Jackson began.

“Oh, they’re back!” Hani waved behind him excitedly, instantly flipped back to the cheerful character she usually played.

Jackson turned to look. He saw Jinyoung tagging a little behind Jaebum, who was grinning like a fool. Upon closer inspection, he saw that Jinyoung was also smiling. They were both heating red like the bright embers of a bonfire ready to burst into brilliant flames with the right stimulus.

“Hani, lets go,” Jinyoung snapped. He straightened his sweater unnecessarily. “Have a good rest of your night, Jackson, Jaebum.”

Jackson saw how Jinyoung lingered on Jaebum’s name, even where his eyes tried not to.

“Night, Mr. Park,” Jaebum sent him off.

Jinyoung gave a last little nod before heading off with Hani.

“I take it things went well?” Jackson asked.

Jaebum licked his lips with a grin. “Yeah.”

 

That night, Jackson went to sleep in a bed that felt too big for the first time. Despite the persistent fear from the horror movie that bristled his senses, he was submerged from head to toe in nothingness. It was unbearably lonely sleeping without feeling Mark’s breath fanning across his face. It was frigidly cold without their hands interlocked between them. Jackson considered messaging Mark, but a glance at the clock told him it was two in the morning. And he still couldn’t sleep.

It wasn’t until four that he fell into a dream. Mark was there again. But instead of Mark’s erection pressing persistently against his hip in the bright light of the classroom, this time it was dark. It was the time of day just after the sun passed the horizon line, where light seemed to be a gray fog coating the earth. Mark was curled on the floor, heartbroken, as Hani stared over him. She wore that same smirk, but this time it was malicious. Jackson tried to run to Mark but his legs felt like molasses. He screamed Mark’s name but his voice hardly came out. It was like he was trapped underwater staring at Mark through a one-way glass.

Jackson startled awake to the harsh beeping of his alarm clock. After pressing the snooze button, he gripped his blankets closer to his chest. He felt cold and shaky. He knew better than to think badly about Hani; he was sure she was a good person at heart. However, the implications of that dream struck him hard.

 

The rest of the week passed at the same pace. Wednesday, Jackson and Mark finished _Catcher in the Rye_ together, and the ending had them silent for a long while. They sat in Jackson’s bed, contemplating the implications of Holden’s little sister going around and around on the carousel in her blue coat, of Holden’s present position in the psychiatry wing. 

“We all get older, huh?” Mark had mused.

“Some before others,” Jackson had replied. Because it was true. Although it didn’t impact him as deeply as it had to Holden, Jackson could recall the differences of his worldviews over time and perhaps even the point where he lost his innocence. He had wondered if Mark felt the same, being that he was already far more mature in experience. Jackson looked to Mark with an echo of what Holden had felt worrying about his sister.

 

Altogether, the whole time seemed to progress like the fast forward reel of a movie. It didn’t matter whom he talked to or whom he met, it all blended into one inseparable glob of distasteful ‘weekday.’ Jackson couldn’t seem to get rid of the dark circles under his eyes or the longing he felt every time he glanced at Mark from across the classroom.

It wasn’t until Saturday that Mark finally asked him.

“Are you not getting enough sleep?”

They sat on Jackson’s bed, facing each other. Jackson’s laptop was open between them to the PowerPoint presentation that they were putting the finishing touches on.

“What, why?”

“Your eyes,” Mark explained. He reached across to rub at the bottom of them where Jackson’s bags were especially prominent. “And you’ve been in a daze since I got here. What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. I just can’t sleep sometimes.”

“Is it stress?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” He noticed Mark flicker in anxiety. “It’s not about the presentation. I think we’re going to do great.”

“Then… is it about basketball? Your math grade? The movie?”

“No… I…” Jackson rubbed at his eyes. He figured he could afford to gamble at being truthful. “Honestly, it’s been hard to sleep alone recently. I don’t know why. I mean, I’ve been doing it for over a decade.”

“You can’t ask Jaebum to sleep over once in a while? I know you two are close.”

“No, he’s busy with his own… issues.” Jinyoung, for one, but that was Jaebum’s secret to tell. “I don’t want to bother him.”

“Bambam?”

“He lives in the city over. I’m not going to make him drive all the way here. He already does just to set me up with different guys.”

“Oh… Did you end up meeting…?”

“Yeah, we hung out Friday, actually.”

Mark began stewing in a strange emotion that Jackson couldn’t help feel was jealousy. He looked over in confusion, but Mark seemed busy reading over the slides for grammatical errors. The line of his jaw was hard, but there were no other telltale signs. Was it all in his head?

“How was it?” Mark asked. His tone was calm, the total opposite of all the murk that Jackson felt exuding from him.

“Oh, Felix seems cool—.”

“Felix? What kind of name is that? It sounds like a pet name.”

“I don’t know. That’s just… his name,” Jackson said. Unsure of what else to say, he went back to Mark’s original question. “Uh, the date was fine. Bambam came with us, and Felix was pretty bubbly with him—they’re actually a lot alike—but he was shy in front of me.”

“Maybe he liked you,” Mark retorted.

Jackson looked aside. “I don’t know. He’s two years younger… That’s a grade below Bambam, even. When we’re off in college, he’s still going to be in high school trying to get in. If he tries to follow me or anything, I don’t want to affect his whole future because of a crush.”

“He’s still his own person capable of making his own decisions.”

“I know… I just don’t know him that well either.”

“But you’ll come to know him,” Mark insisted.

“I guess.”

“Then there isn’t really a problem, is there?”

Jackson scowled. He couldn’t understand why Mark was pressing so much into this matter. “There is.”

Mark looked over in surprise at Jackson’s rude tone. “What else?”

“I like someone else, remember?” Jackson stared straight into Mark’s eyes as he said it.

“Oh.” Mark looked away, melting to gray around the edges.

Silence spread between them as Mark continued to scroll. Jackson shifted uncomfortably. He knew he had refused to tell Mark about it a week ago when he had slept over. Mark had even played the friend card, but Jackson turned him down. When Mark threatened to use his bet, Jackson was terrified. The rescinding of that statement as just a joke did little to help. Mark must now feel that same alienation, and Jackson had to change the topic.

“Should we run through it again?”

“What?” 

Jackson watched the way Mark had startled, nails skidding along the mouse pad.

“The presentation?”

“O-oh yeah.”

Using their notecards, they practiced their parts. Everything seemed to go well. There weren’t any empty pauses, much like in their natural conversation. After a second time, Jackson’s mom came in with snacks. Mark thanked her graciously, and his mom flashed Jackson a thumbs up behind her back. Jackson just rolled his eyes.

Biting into a cookie, Mark seemed to gather up his confidence. Jackson felt his emotions harden in defense. He looked over before Mark even began speaking, trying to figure out what that meant.

“You know,” Mark said, “I can sleep over tonight if you think that will help. I don’t want you losing sleep since we might have to present on Monday.”

“It’s a Saturday night. You aren’t doing anything?”

“Nothing major.”

“Because I was actually going to hang out with the others tonight,” Jackson said slowly. He was wincing on the inside at having to refuse such a tempting offer from Mark. “And sleep over.”

“Others as in…?”

“Jaebum, Bam, Yuggie… you know, those guys.”

“Oh, then I guess you don’t need me,” Mark pretended to laugh it off, but Jackson could sense his feelings turning blue. Jackson couldn’t afford to be arrogant enough to think that he was the sole reason, but he hated being even slightly the cause of it.

“You can come with me,” Jackson suggested in a rush.

“What are you guys gonna do?” Mark looked up at Jackson, and he flickered in yellow hopefulness.

“Drink at Jaebum’s place.”

“His parents are okay with it?”

“They’re out of town.”

Mark considered it. Then he smiled. “Okay, I can bring some stuff over too.”

 

They buckled up in Mark’s car after stopping at his house to pick up a very fancy bottle of whiskey from the basement. The sight of it had stunned Jackson, and he wondered how much it cost. However, looking through the selection in the attached cellar had made him afraid to ask.

“Is that really okay?” Jackson hazarded.

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Mark responded, as if it was nothing.

The engine rumbled at a red light. Mark tapped at the wheel as he waited. A thought struck him.

“You told them I was coming right?”

“What? Yeah. Otherwise Bam would’ve been coming to pick me up unnecessarily.”

“Okay.”

“Why’re you so anxious?” Jackson wanted to reach over and hold Mark’s knee in comfort, but he felt divided by the wide expanse of the center console. He didn’t know how okay Mark would be with that since he was driving and since they were, you know, friends.

“I feel like I’m just always tagging along with you. I don’t know if your friends like me.”

“They do, I promise.” 

 

Sure enough, when they arrived at Jaebum’s house, Bambam tackled Jackson in a hug then shared the love with Mark as well. Jackson was happy to see Mark laughing along with the group, hoping that it would serve to make him feel more included.

“You guys are so late,” Jaebum chastised, leading them into the family room where bowls of snacks and empty cups were lined up neatly on the coffee table.

“We had to stop by Mark’s house to pick up something,” Jackson teased, looking to Mark to present the grand treasure. Mark produced the bottle out of his bag, and Bambam and Yugyeom were in awe.

“So, is anyone else coming?” Jackson asked when the buzz died down.

“Uh, yeah,” Bambam checked his phone. “Felix said he was coming, but he’s running a little late right now.”

Jackson felt Mark shift uncomfortably beside him. He reached behind him to grab Mark’s wrist to steady him. Interjecting into the group’s flow, Jackson leaned over to whisper in Mark’s ear, “I won’t tell him that you called him a pet—promise.”

He caught Jaebum looking at them suspiciously, but pointedly ignored it. It wasn’t like anyone knew of the nature of their conversation. If anything, it was like an inside joke. Oh did that thought make his ears flush in retrospect. 

Jackson returned his attention to Bambam within the next second. He jested, “Felix didn’t mind me?”

“None of the people I set you up with minded you,” Bambam snapped. “It’s always just been you and your uptight attitude thinking that students should focus on schoolwork.”

“I’m busy,” Jackson complained. He looked aside, trying desperately to not make eye contact with Mark or Jaebum. “And I-I… I just didn’t feel anything with any of them.”

Bambam pouted, jutting out a plush lip as he crossed his arms. “Isn’t this something that you can work on? I’d hate to let Felix down. He’s such a sweet kid.”

“I know, that’s why I told you to stop—.”

Everyone froze when the doorbell rang. It was as if they were caught in the middle of a crime. Even Jaebum didn’t dare move.

“I’ll get it!” Bambam announced after a pregnant pause. He shot Jackson a meaningful glare and hopped out of the room. 

A few seconds later, Bambam was dragging a red-faced Felix into the living room. Felix’s eyes darted around the room before landing on Jackson, and they never really seemed to leave. Bambam introduced him to the rest of the room, the ones he had not met before. Jaebum expressed his surprise that Felix was Australian. Felix just nodded along shyly. Bambam eventually had to pull him away from the conversation. Proclaiming that they should all get seated, Bambam purposefully placed Felix right next to Jackson on the couch.

As Jaebum poured all of them their first shot of soju, Jackson hesitated a little. 

“I feel bad making a sophomore drink with us,” he said warily. He tried to give Felix a concerned look, but he was startled to see that Felix was already looking at him. Embarrassed, they both turned away.

“It’s okay,” Felix said, looking at his hands where they were balled up in his lap. “I’m sixteen, and you’re what? Seventeen? It’s not that big a deal.”

“And I’m eighteen in a few months,” Jackson pointed out.

“Then we have until then, don’t we?” he muttered softly.

Jackson startled, but he turned to see the tips of Felix’s ears turning red. Had the boy meant for those words to be phrased so dirtily? Or was Jackson losing his mind, reflecting how he had teased Mark about his age? However, Felix’s emotions were bumping into his own and turning his a sizzling red in copy. That much at least proved his intent. Jackson shifted uncomfortably where he sat. 

He wasn’t lying when he said that their emotions weren’t compatible. Although they both seemed to be the high-energy, physical-contact types, somehow Felix’s aura wasn’t quite harmonious enough. It didn’t compare to say, Mark’s. Jackson played with the hole in the knee of his jeans, wondering if he would still say that kind of thing if he hadn’t met Mark. Would they have worked out before? As Felix warmed up to him, Jackson found that they had the same kind of humor. It wasn’t as if he couldn’t see how attractive Felix was, with his big eyes and gummy smile. It was more that something was missing—their connection.

“Let’s play a drinking game,” Mark loudly interrupted, cancelling any chance of their private conversation continuing.

Utilizing Jaebum’s vast knowledge of Korean drinking games, it wasn’t long before they were all at least borderline drunk. After their first round of soju, they passed around Mark’s bottle of whiskey for a taste. Bambam was ecstatic at how much better it tasted than Jack Daniels. Jaebum had rolled his eyes—like obviously, Jack is cheap shit. They played a few more rounds, and that was when they were really done. Bambam and Yugyeom were on the floor, making vague Internet references to each other and laughing their asses off. At some point, Bambam stood unsteadily to do the floss dance, which had Yugyeom and Jackson in tears. Jaebum and Mark sat individually in the lone seats around the coffee table. Jaebum was on his phone. Felix was leaning into Jackson maybe a little too much on the wide loveseat. No matter how much Jackson scooted over to give the younger space to lie out, he kept getting closer. 

Yet, despite the warmth at Jackson’s side, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he desperately wanted Mark cuddled up against him as well. He tried to meet Mark’s eyes across the way, but the latter always averted his gaze or drowned himself in his cup. When Jackson reached out with his sense, it was too late at that point. The room was too far gone in inebriation, and everyone’s emotions were a muddled mess in Jackson’s head. Trying to sort through everything only made him dizzy. 

“It’s probably dangerous to start another game,” Jaebum said, staring over the mess that the younger kids made. 

“Should we play something else?” Bambam asked, picking his head up from Yugyeom’s shoulder. His hair was thoroughly ruffled. “Hmm… How about spin the bottle?”

Jackson saw Mark’s expression turn out of the corner of his eye. He looked over to find the other biting at his bottom lip, getting ready to speak up.

“That’s—,” Felix began, a shy smile on his face.

“No. We shouldn’t,” Mark interrupted.

“What? Why not?” Jackson asked, face red. His eyes were screaming at Mark, telling him how much he wanted to kiss him. Thankfully, eyes did not have mouths and Mark couldn’t read his gaze. Otherwise, he’d really be digging his own grave.

“Mark’s right. I’m not kissing any of you idiots,” Jaebum asserted.

“Then we can play without you two?” Bambam suggested.

Regardless of how Jackson tried to wordlessly communicate with Mark, asking him what was wrong, why he didn’t look so good, Mark didn’t see any of it. As they were trying to work out the logistics of playing with only four people, Mark finished the rest of the shot in his glass. 

“I need to pee,” Mark said, standing suddenly. 

“Ah! Don’t break the seal!” Bambam exclaimed.

“It has to come out somehow,” Mark rationalized, words coming out slow.

Jackson noticed that Mark’s eyes were less focused than usual. He hadn’t noticed when Mark had gotten so drunk. But when Mark trailed toward the exit, hand dragging along the chair’s back cushion for support, Jackson noticed a cup tipped over on his seat. Clinging to its plastic sides were brown spots of a liquid that it used to contain. Jackson’s eyes shifted back to the coffee table where Mark’s shot glass stood empty as well. The bottle of whiskey sat on the floor, emptier than when it had last been passed around the circle. When had Mark snuck that?

However, when Jackson saw Mark start to fall, his investigation was immediately halted. He bolted over, grabbing onto the elder before he would hit the floor.

“Hey, I’m fine,” Mark said, trying to shake off Jackson’s hand.

Jackson made up an excuse. “I’m just going to walk you to the bathroom. You don’t know where it is, right?”

Mark looked up at Jackson, pupils blown. He had an exaggerated look of conflict on his face, nose scrunched up, before he ultimately allowed Jackson to chaperone him.

Jackson dragged him to the bathroom and slammed the door behind them. He flipped the lights on. Mark stumbled over to the toilet. 

“Why did you drink so much?” Jackson demanded. 

“It… wasn’t that much.”

Mark tried to lift the toilet seat, but he missed. It clattered back down. Sighing, Jackson walked over to raise it for him. He watched Mark struggle for a second.

“Do I have to undo your pants too?” he asked.

Mark froze. He turned to face Jackson creakily like a character in an old horror animation. “No!”

Jackson promptly threw his hands up in surrender. He took a few steps backwards and turned around to face the door. He even closed his eyes.

“Let me know if you need help,” he said softly.

 _Stupid!_ He was so stupid! He hadn’t thought through his words completely. It was the moment those words were out, as soon as he had seen the transformation of Mark’s expression, that he was reminded of what Mark had told him about the bastard who had tried to get into his pants. Maybe he was able to use his intoxication as an excuse for a slip of his inner desires, but it was a total breach of trust. After Mark had expressed how comfortable he felt with Jackson, how could he bear to stand by his side with ill intentions? Jackson wasn’t like that prick. He told himself that he was different over and over again to make it true. No matter how drunk he got, he swore to himself that he would never violate Mark’s space. 

“Jackson?” 

“Yeah?” Jackson responded timidly. He still had his eyes down in shame. 

“I need help,” Mark admitted meekly. 

Jackson’s head shot up. He flipped around and saw that Mark still had his pants around his hips. He gulped.

“My fingers are numb,” Mark explained. “And everything is kinda… spinning.”

“Jeez, you’re too much,” Jackson muttered. He approached Mark cautiously, ready to back down whenever. From the front, he focused intensely on the belt buckle he was trying to disengage. It was easier this way to avoid Mark’s gaze that was burning into his nape. “P-pants too?”

“No, I think I got it,” Mark said. He turned back around and unbuttoned his pants before Jackson could even turn around to protect his virtue. 

“Mark!” Jackson exclaimed, hands flying up to cover his eyes.

“Sorry—really need to piss,” he said in a hurry.

Sure enough, Jackson heard the stream before Mark even finished talking. Jackson situated himself in the corner of the bathroom as he waited for Mark to finish. At the flush, Jackson turned, prepared to chastise Mark again, but he saw that Mark still hadn’t pulled his pants back up yet.

“Ah, oh my god! I didn’t see anything! I swear to god! Oh god!” Jackson shouted, retreating into his corner. He heard Mark giggle behind him and a zipper run. “I-is it safe?”

“Yeah, it’s all good now.”

Jackson peeked over his shoulder before he dared to rotate fully. Mark was properly zipped up, but his belt was hanging undone and his button open.

“I don’t even want to try it,” Mark said.

“Don’t worry, I got you,” Jackson said earnestly. He bounced over, fastening him up. “Still… why did you drink so much?”

Mark shrugged, pushing Jackson out of the way to get to the sink. Jackson kept trying to nudge Mark, doing little things to pester him into responding, but Mark was wiping his hands on the towel and heading for the door before Jackson got his answer.

“Promise me you’ll take it easy now,” Jackson said, rushing to block the door before Mark could leave.

Mark dropped the hand that he was going to use to open the door. Somehow, it landed on Jackson’s hip, but he didn’t bother to move it. Mark sighed heavily.

“Sorry if I’m no fun.”

Jackson slid his hand along the back of Mark’s, tracing up his arm. He hesitated a little before pulling Mark into a hug. Mark just fell into him, lodging his head in the crook of Jackson’s neck.

“Is that why you were trying to drink more? To seem fun?” Jackson pressed gently. He curled his fingers into the short hairs at the base of Mark’s head.

Jackson felt Mark shake his head. 

“It’s not that. Just…” Mark’s words trailed off, but he never seemed to figure out where they went. 

“Just what?”

But Mark wasn’t inclined to answer. Jackson let out a weighted exhale. He shouldn’t push Mark to talk when he was in this state. Plus, he had to get back to the others. They had been hanging around in the bathroom too long. Jaebum was going to get suspicious again. 

“Let’s go back, okay? I can carry you if you want,” Jackson offered.

Mark shook his head again.

“What? Why not?”

“…no more games,” Mark mumbled. “Don’t wanna play.”

Jackson shivered at the sensation of Mark’s hot breath fanning across his skin. They were too close. It was making Jackson’s blood run hot. With the alcohol, he was already flushed. Now, his touch perception was on extra high, skin sparking at every point of contact. He desperately held onto his last strand of reason before Mark stole everything away.

“You don’t have to play if you’re not up to it. They won’t judge you for it or anything.”

“I don’t care if they judge me,” Mark insisted.

“Then why don’t you want to play?”

“It’s not me,” Mark lifted his head. He stared into Jackson’s eyes as if pleading with him, and Jackson was utterly helpless under his gaze. “I don’t want you to have your first kiss in a stupid game.”

“That’s my prerogative,” Jackson stated, though the words weren’t harsh. They didn’t shove Mark away, saying that it was none of his business. He even didn't bother to correct Mark that it wouldn't be his first kiss anyway. Obviously Jackson’s heart sung a little, but he had to ground himself more to counteract that. He had to remind himself that it wasn’t because Mark wanted to be his first kiss instead; Mark was just being a good friend, watching out for him. However, then Mark continued, speaking words that would drive Jackson crazy.

“You’re worth more than that.” Mark’s hand tightened its hold on Jackson’s hip for emphasis. 

The touch made Jackson brave—braver than he should have been. “Then you aren’t counting the time I kissed you while drunk?” he dared to say.

Mark’s eyes widened in mild surprise. Then he broke out into a cheesy smile. “You missed,” he jeered, sticking out his tongue. “It doesn’t count.”

“So… if you won’t let me have my first kiss in a game, can I at least retry with you?”

“You’d be my first guy,” Mark said, but he was grinning. It wasn’t a yes or a no, but he also wasn’t retreating. In fact, maybe it was in Jackson’s muddled head, but he thought Mark even leaned in closer. When Mark’s finger slipped into his belt loop, Jackson ran out of patience to spare. 

Jackson tilted his head forward slowly, his eyes lowered on Mark’s mouth to ensure he would make it this time. The space between them seemed to condense, and Jackson forgot to breathe. He was so intent on capturing those gorgeous lips that nothing else around him mattered. 

“Stop thinking so much,” Mark breathed.

Suddenly, a hand was coming up to hold Jackson steady by the base of his skull and lips were on him. Mark appeared to dance with his mouth while Jackson only had two left feet. But as Jackson rapidly lost his inebriation to the shock of the moment, he realized a pattern to Mark’s movements. Jackson followed his lead, copying his steps so that they could dance together. 

Mark’s fingers curled into Jackson’s hair, making him moan softly. In doing so, his teeth accidently came down to graze Mark’s bottom lip, making him hiss and slam Jackson harder into the door. Jackson gasped. Their kiss turned aggressive. Mark bit into his bottom lip, and Jackson lost his sanity. Everything was happening so fast that Jackson forgot to follow steps and instead listened to his own instinct. That’s when things turned almost primal. Mark pushed their bodies right up against each other, riding against the door. Chest to chest, Jackson was losing himself to the feeling. Everything around him was glowing red, and it was almost suffocating. But it was a welcoming claustrophobia. Against his hip, he felt something hard, but he didn’t know if that was just Mark’s belt buckle or something else. He didn’t dare ask. 

It was the third time that Mark slammed them against the closed door that there was a sharp knock against that very surface. They both startled like guilty children. Jackson, who jumped almost two feet into the air, nearly toppled over Mark while trying to get away from the door. 

“Are you guys okay? Did someone fall?” Jaebum’s voice asked.

“W-we’re fine,” Jackson responded shakily. His heart was so damn loud in his ears. “We’ll come out soon.”

They waited until Jaebum shuffled away before collapsing in relief. Jackson fell back against the sink counter.

“I thought I was going to have a heart attack,” Jackson wailed.

“You can’t go out like that,” Mark noted.

“What do you mean?”

Mark nodded to the mirror, and Jackson turned to look. Sure enough, his cheeks were a rosy red, but his lips were darker than that. With the slightly wild look in his eyes, it was clear that something had happened between them. Mark, who was leaning against the back wall with his hands in his pockets, appeared much more composed. It wasn’t fair. Jackson ran his fingers through his hair, attempting to tame the locks. 

“Shit, why do you always look so good?” Jackson asked. He turned on the faucet to try to slap water onto his face. As the sink drowned out Mark’s response, Jackson tapped into the elder’s emotions, bathing in the leftover redness for as long as it would last. Sighing, Jackson shut off the tap. “Sorry, what did you say?”

“I said it’s not just me.”

Jackson jolted, eyes flickering to meet Mark’s in the reflection of the mirror. There was a hazy lust trapped in his sockets. Jackson wanted to just get down on his knees right there and beg him to take it further. But they were both drunk, and even Jackson knew that wasn’t a good idea.

“Let’s head back.”

When they returned to the living room, they found Bambam, Yugyeom, and Felix in a pile on the floor while Jaebum was sitting on the couch on his phone.

“You two were sure gone for a long time,” he commented, not taking his eyes off the screen.

“I forgot which door went out.”

Jaebum shot him a bewildered look. “There’s only one door.”

“Exactly. If the door’s going in, how can it go out too?” Jackson waved his arms around to make his point. Beside him, Mark giggled. “See? He gets it.”

“Yeah, he gets everything you say,” Jaebum brushed off.

Jackson felt Mark flush.

“Hurry and help me get these three to bed,” Jaebum ordered. 

“Did they end up drinking more?” Jackson walked over and began untangling their bodies. Bambam squirmed with an unhappy groan when Jackson tried to move him. 

“Yeah, even though I told them not to.”

“And the game?”

“They didn’t end up playing it. Felix said something like he didn’t want to without you there.” Jaebum had Yugyeom by the armpits. “Here, I set up some air mattresses in the spare room. Drag them there.”

Mark helped out too, taking Felix who actually managed to wake up and walk over with some guidance in a zombified state. After dropping them all off, Jaebum shut the door behind them.

“I wonder if I should leave a bucket in there with them. I don’t want them yakking on my carpet,” Jaebum thought aloud. Then he turned back to the other two. “Anyway, you guys can take my bed, and I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“No, no. It’s your house, I’ll sleep on the couch,” Jackson insisted.

“No, it’s my house, so you should take the bed. Do it for Mark. You don’t want him sleeping on the couch too, right? What if he catches a cold?” Jaebum nudged Jackson hard, even though his statement was hardly executed quietly. Mark was perfectly within earshot, and Jackson was thoroughly embarrassed. 

“Fine. Shut up. Just fuck off. Go take the couch.” Jackson shoved Jaebum away to go find his overnight bag. He took it with him to the bathroom so that he could wash up and brush his teeth. 

With the alcohol near faded at this point, the lights seemed a lot brighter. When Mark came in behind him with a toothbrush in hand, Jackson started, almost stabbing himself in the mouth.

“So jumpy,” Mark assessed with a wide, drunken smile.

“I’m more awake now,” Jackson garbled over the foam in his mouth.

“Now that everyone else is wiped out? That’s so backwards,” Mark laughed.

 

They cleaned up, and Jackson helped Mark to bed. He tucked him in before walking around to get in the other side. Before he had entered the room, Jaebum had pulled him aside to make him swear on his life not to have sex in his bed. Jackson had rolled his eyes but held up his pinky anyway. 

Now that Mark was all snuggled up under the covers, he looked like a bunny. His cheeks were still rosy as well. Jackson got into bed, staying on his side. He stared up at the ceiling to refrain from instinctively turning to watch Mark. However, as soon as he settled, Mark rolled over onto his stomach to stare at him regardless.

“Why did you choose me over Jaebum?” Mark asked.

“I did?” Jackson shot back, confused. Sure, he probably would have in a heartbeat, but he couldn’t remember consciously doing so.

“To sleep with.”

“Oh, Jaebum is being a good host so he’s on the couch. I’m not going to stop him from being polite to his guests.”

“Mm,” Mark pouted, unsatisfied with the answer. 

“What did you want me to say?” Jackson smirked, turning his wide eyes up at Mark.

Mark smiled. “That you wanted to cuddle, but Jaebum won’t let you. So now you need me.” He was totally giving away his inner wishes, and Jackson laughed excitedly at the prospect.

“You’re so cute when you’re drunk.” He ruffled up Mark’s hair, before pulling him closer. They curled up facing each other. Mark rested his head against Jackson’s chest, and Jackson wrapped his arm around him. Mark’s leg slid over his, and it was like their bodies were intertwined with each other.

“I gotta protect you from nightmares, right?” Mark murmured sleepily, nuzzling his nose into Jackson’s shirt.

“Right… what would I do without you?” he asked rhetorically. Jackson’s heart thumped painfully. He closed his eyes for the night, pretending that Mark shared the same electricity under his skin.

But, really, life wasn’t fair.

 

Jackson woke up the next morning in Jaebum’s bed alone. The room was still dark, so he was confused when he rolled over to only find a warm patch in the bed. He got up. His step felt heavy as his feet thumped across the carpeting to the bathroom. At least his head didn’t hurt. He saw light flooding out under the door, but it wasn’t fully closed. He knocked against the frame.

Mark opened the door almost immediately but startled when he saw whom it was. His hand flew off the handle as if he were burned. He backed up at first before realizing what he was doing.

“Hey,” Jackson burst like sunshine.

“Excuse me,” Mark closed off, bowing his head as he slipped past Jackson.

And clouds covered the sun.

Jackson stood there for a moment longer, confused by what had just happened. The excitement he inherently felt at seeing Mark was crushed in an instant. He barely had time to register the state Mark was in or assess his mood. Jackson felt lost, unsure of what to do. First, though, was the bathroom, since Jackson had woken up with a full bladder. 

Next on Jackson’s list to do was to check up on the boys stacked up in the guest room. He went in with a glass of water for anyone awake. Unsurprisingly, Bambam and Yugyeom were both still out cold. Those two slept like logs. Once they woke up, they’d be totally fine. The third, however, was rolling around in his sheets. Jackson walked over and gently nudged his shoulder.

“Felix? I brought you a glass of water. You should drink something.”

Felix popped his head out from the blankets. Groaning, he sat up. He took the glass from Jackson and drank it slowly. Jackson watched his puffy face contort in discomfort. He really was cute, even when he was hungover and probably felt like shit. 

Jackson stood, but Felix’s hand shot out to grab his pant leg. 

“Don’t go,” Felix whimpered. He stared up at Jackson with begging eyes, aura flushing pink. This look wasn’t justified in someone he hardly knew, Jackson thought. Though he didn’t really mind the cute act at all. 

“I’m going to go get you some aspirin. I’ll be back,” Jackson explained. 

Felix nodded and let go. Jackson could feel his embarrassment for speaking out like that so he tried to quickly find everything and return as fast as possible. He helped Felix down the pills and a few gulps of a sports drink as well. Then Felix wanted to go back to sleep so Jackson let him rest. Not sure if he should leave or not, he stayed sitting on the floor with Felix loosely holding onto his wrist.

“You can lie down too. It’s cold out,” Felix said, lifting his blankets to invite Jackson onto the air mattress. 

Jackson was about to refuse, but Felix was insisting. It was still dark outside anyway. It wouldn’t hurt to sleep a little more. He got under the covers with Felix, sharing the warmth. However, Jackson still felt cold. 

It wasn’t long before they were both drifting off, but Jackson couldn’t help how he tangled the blankets and thrashed fitfully. This was not any different from sleeping alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... Jackson's dream haha... It's honestly so heartbreaking to wake up from a sex dream with your crush only to realize that it wasn't real TT.TT
> 
> Also, sorry to all the people who like Jack Daniels, but real whiskey is so much better.
> 
> This was a long 10k words, but I hope it was worth it!! Your comments really kept me going during the editing process!


	8. Fracture

The morning after, Mark had woken up in a panic. At first he thought that he dreamt everything up. However, upon seeing Jackson’s sleeping face in the gray lighting, he realized that his memory of Jackson’s lips on him, of _how_ Jackson kissed, was too specific to be a product of his imagination. So Mark did the only thing he could do. He escaped to the bathroom and just sat on the edge of the bath to think.

This was weird. It was definitely very strange. Mark had never gotten so drunk that he made out with his guy friends before. He had never drunken so much that he felt the urge to make out with anyone, for that matter. Despite the aphrodisiac effects of alcohol, that just wasn’t something that happened to him. So when he found himself trapped in this little room with Jackson the night before, breathing the same air, Mark was surprised to feel that urge for the first time. With their back and forth teasing, it was easy to slip into the mood. It was like nothing, like driving on a road with no friction, when they leaned into each other. Even when they actually made contact, Mark could taste Jackson’s inexperience, but he wasn’t turned off. It only made Mark want to teach Jackson more, and Jackson was certainly a fast learner. It wasn’t long before he was catching up and surpassing Mark, matching him as their mouths fought for dominance. 

Mark had never experienced a kiss like that. Perhaps it was the fact that he had only kissed girls in the past. Being with a guy was for sure going to be different. There was more aggression; their touches were harder. It was like scraping against chiseled marble before it has been sanded over. But Mark couldn’t help feeling that it was different because it was Jackson Wang, as well. Jackson’s being was so distinct from everyone else he knew that he thought his kisses had to be just as unique. With practice, Mark was sure Jackson’s lips had the potential to be just as breathtaking as his personality. That would really make him go crazy.

At the knock on the door, Mark bolted up out of his thoughts. What had he been thinking? Guilt dripped heavily through his bloodstream. When had he started considering kissing Jackson a second time? He answered it, ready to leave so that he wasn’t just hogging the bathroom. However, when he saw Jackson standing there, Mark froze. His mind scrambled for what to do. It didn’t help that he had just been thinking of him. As such, his head and his eyes were both guiltily filled with Jackson. 

He had never viewed Jackson as an imposing person, but his frame suddenly seemed too large and too close. Mark felt small, and he didn’t know what he could do or say. All he knew was to escape. If he could get out of that cramped space, he would be able to properly organize his thoughts. So Mark did just that. He pushed Jackson aside so he could breathe again. He ran down the hall, not looking back as he left Jackson behind. 

Somehow, Mark found his way into the living room where Jaebum was already awake. Jaebum was texting on his phone again, and Mark wondered whom he was talking to on there. 

“Mark,” Jaebum suddenly said.

“Y-yeah?” Mark startled. He hadn’t realized Jaebum knew he was there. The latter hadn’t even moved his eyes from the screen. He waited around anxiously for Jaebum to continue. He had never talked to Jaebum alone before, and he didn’t know what to expect. The latter was definitely difficult to approach. 

“Do you need anything to eat?”

“No, I should get going soon when everyone wakes up. I can always get something on the road.”

Jaebum lifted his head to look at Mark genuinely. “I insist. What about breakfast or coffee?”

“Maybe in an hour or so. But I should probably send Jackson back home too.”

“You guys can stay here for the rest of the day if you want. We have food and everything. I don’t mind your company, and I’ll probably need someone to help me take care of them.” Jaebum tilted his head toward the hall where the three younger boys were most likely still fast asleep.

“Okay, thank you.”

Jaebum sat up, and a serious look overtook his features. “Listen, Hani talked to me about your relationship.”

Mark stiffened. She hadn’t mentioned anything about that to him. He knew that she had gone off with Jaebum while Mark was making sure Jackson was okay at the basketball after party. He figured that she had wanted to hook up since he could totally see her finding Jaebum hot. Jaebum was broad-shouldered and cold. It would make girls fall for his chic attitude. It wasn’t personally Mark’s thing, but Hani liked to play with difficult guys. What Mark didn’t expect was for them to _talk_.

“And?” Mark asked, on the defense.

“So, I know what you’re doing, and I wish you would stop playing around.”

“Who’s playing around?” Mark bristled. He hated it when other people thought he didn’t have a mind of his own.

“You know you’re only hurting two other people in the process, not even including you and her. There is more than just you at stake now. Maybe this wasn’t how it was supposed to be in the beginning, but feelings have changed now. Think about who’s involved now. It’s about time to end things, don’t you think?”

Mark couldn’t deny the fading intent he felt with Hani. Even back in the car after the bowling alley, she had told him it was about time to end things. Was it because she had been in correspondence with Jaebum? Or was it her own comment on the current state of affairs? He had to admit that they were having sex less frequently than when it first started, but he blamed it on the distance and their schedules. Since the time that they met after school, it had been a few weeks, and Mark was getting antsy.

“That’s up to her,” Mark said simply. 

“You don’t get a say in this?”

“We did this for her mainly. So she gets to decide when to end it.”

“What a gentleman,” Jaebum said sarcastically.

“I know you don’t agree with this, but what does this have to do with you?” Mark snapped. He crossed his arms, glaring at Jaebum coldly from where he stood in the corner of the room.

“Jackson’s business is my business because he’s my best friend. I know you two are getting close. Maybe you should start thinking like that too.”

“Since when was Jackson involved?”

“Mark… He has… Ever since he first reached out to you, he’s been involved.”

Mark resented the look of pity Jaebum flashed him like he was too immature to understand the world around him. Being a child, things were moving too fast for him to comprehend; all because he was too short to look out the window from the house he was confined to. Then Jaebum was there as the parent looking on, tapping his foot impatiently.

“Can you explain to me why?” Mark gritted. “This is only between Hani, Yugyeom, and me.”

“Ask him yourself.”

“But he doesn’t know about any of this stuff.” Mark paused then demanded, “Right?”

“Yes, yes, he doesn’t know. But he should. It’s about time for Yugyeom to know as well.”

Mark ran his fingers through his hair, stressed. That conversation was for Hani to have with Yugyeom. But what did Jackson have to do with any of this? This whole issue was born between them three, and it was a problem that was meant to remain within Mayflower. It just didn’t make any sense for Jackson to get involved.

“Think about what Jackson means to you,” Jaebum urged.

“That—!” Mark’s argument faltered. What was Jackson to him?

Looking over at Jaebum again, Mark saw that he wasn’t up for any more conversation, having gone back to his phone. So Mark didn’t bother to continue to respond either. He wandered back to the bedroom to see if he could talk to Jackson. He hadn’t quite figured out a correct course of action yet, but he thought Jackson would know what to say first. He always seemed to. 

However, Jackson wasn’t in the bedroom. Mark sat on the edge of the bed, wondering what to do. Sitting there, memories of last night came flooding back. He blushed to recall how he had begged for Jackson to cuddle him. At the time, he thought he was giving sound reasoning by saying he was protecting Jackson from the monsters, but now he wasn’t too sure. He had really been a mess last night. And for what did he drink so much?

When Felix first entered the room, Mark was taken away by how handsome he was. With a strong jaw and big eyes, he really was striking. His voice was surprisingly deep for a sophomore, and the accent just made it that much more attractive. When he laughed, his gummy features got all squished up, and Mark noticed Jackson laughing in tandem. Felix was good looking, cute, and energetic. If Mark had to guess a type for Jackson, that would be it.

Sitting alone in that armchair last night, Mark could only watch as Bambam and Yugyeom played on the floor and Felix and Jackson cuddled on the couch. Like Jaebum, he was by himself. However, that was where the similarities ended. He didn’t have anyone awake that late to text like Jaebum did; he had nothing to entertain him. Maybe Mark had grown anxious as he stared on at these near-strangers having fun regardless of him. Unsure of whose group to join in on, he downed those drinks to ease the curdling in his gut. For lack of anything to do, he got drunk outside the rules of the game they were playing. It never really struck him how much he was drinking until his bladder became too full to handle. When he stood up, his world had gone full tilt.

But then Jackson had caught him as he was headed to the bathroom. Oh god… the bathroom! Mark wanted to roll around in the covers and squeal like a teenage girl. What the fuck even was that? It was way too intense for something to transpire between two friends. What was he going to say the next time he ran into Jackson? That ‘Excuse me’ as he ran away wasn’t going to cut it. He had fled from Jaebum’s conversation without a proper plan, but what could he even say? He hadn’t expected a confrontation so soon.

Jaebum had advised Mark to think about what Jackson meant to him. But that was easy. They were friends. First and foremost, he wanted them to remain that way. Sharing a kiss once shouldn’t change that. Mark covered his eyes. He could feel himself turning red just remembering it. If Mark was this embarrassed about it, then Jackson should be too. Therefore, if Mark could reassure Jackson first, then everything should work out okay. They could go back to being friends without any strange embarrassment or regret lingering between them.

Mark was revitalized. He jumped up from the bed to look for Jackson. He couldn’t have left the house yet so he must be within the vicinity. Mark wandered around with Jackson on his brain. In truth, though, he had already come to value Jackson more than he knew. It was the little things that piled up, and Mark had yet to realize. 

However, when he breached the doorway of Jaebum’s bedroom, another thought occurred to him. He loitered in the hallway, suddenly unsure. Hadn’t Jackson asked for that kiss? For someone like Jackson, a kiss couldn’t have just been a meaningless act. Even between friends, Mark knew that was too much. They were drunk, but was that reason enough to excuse the intimacy developing between them? Mark mindlessly chewed at his bottom lip, recreating how Jackson had bitten him in the heat of the moment. He wondered if there was more behind that kiss. There had to have been.

But Mark didn’t know what to think about that.

Wandering aimlessly, Mark incidentally found Jackson when he stumbled into the room that they piled up the three youngest to sleep. He noticed there were four heads in the room. Bambam and Yugyeom were sleeping together; their limbs overlapped as they both starfish-ed in their sleep. But in the other bed, bundled up tight in the blankets were Felix and… Jackson? Curious, Mark stepped in closer. He felt a strange emotion claw at his chest at the sight of Jackson sleeping peacefully beside someone else. 

Was it wrong that Mark had never expected this to happen? Because now that it had, he felt more lost than when he had been stumbling around Jaebum’s house in search of Jackson. Finding him had ultimately given him no relief. Everything was happening so fast; the emotions swelling inside him wanted to burst. There was no rationale in the rush of feeling, no time to think first. 

Mark had believed that Jackson would always gravitate to him when he needed to sleep with someone. Maybe a little part of him wondered if it was because Jackson liked him. He assumed it when Jackson had chosen him over Jaebum, and it had filled him with amity at the thought. Without questioning it too much, he enjoyed the affection. He had never considered that there would be a third alternative: Felix. 

After their horror movie experience, Mark presumed them to have a bond, like an unspoken deal to only visit one supermarket because they had the best ambiance or the best prices. He had never thought that he could be replaced so easily. Mark lost his place as Jackson’s sole grocer, and Jackson was looking through other people’s shelves. Mark had never felt so discombobulated. Though he had had his reservations about Jackson going out and making a new friend of Felix, he never thought that the reality would strike him so hard. His dream was nothing compared to this.

Biting his lip, he pretended that the pain was only physical. It didn’t really make sense for it to be anything else anyway. It was since they had gotten close so quickly that Mark thought what they had was special, perhaps in regard to friendships, perhaps in regard to something more. He thought they were together irreplaceable. He certainly never had someone who needed to be as physically close as Jackson did. It was just that the kiss was terribly misleading, and thus the novelty of their relationship was only seen one-sidedly. It must have been something casual to Jackson. That was all. And now this misunderstanding was making Mark’s throat close up, and he couldn’t explain why. He was jealous, but he never thought he’d be jealous of losing someone who was only a friend. With Hani’s relationship ending, he must really be losing it. 

“Mark?” 

Jackson’s hoarse morning voice stopped Mark in his tracks. He turned around, lip bitten so hard it hurt. He saw Jackson with his hair ruffled, squinting as he tried to make out the figure in the doorway.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Mark reaffirmed.

“Why’re you…?”

“We should talk, but if you’re going to sleep then I’m not gonna bother you.” Mark couldn’t help but sound bitter toward the end. He eyed Felix with visible distaste. The boy couldn’t handle his liquor, and now he was having Jackson take care of him? Mark felt like it wasn’t fair. He was the one closer to Jackson. Didn’t he deserve precedence? Why didn’t Jackson stay with him that morning? It wasn’t as if his body was not weighed down by the dregs of alcohol that felt like lead in his blood.

“I thought you didn’t want to talk,” Jackson replied, confused. He was oversaturated with hesitance, dripping from his pores. That only made Mark want to run away more.

Mark thought back to his actions. With how he had fled from the bathroom like that, he could see where Jackson was coming from. Was that it? Was that why Jackson hadn’t come back to the bedroom afterwards? But it wasn’t as if Mark had gone back right away either. What if they had only missed each other? Really, Mark knew he was the one who was being unfair, but he didn’t like how Jackson wasn’t as happy to see him as he usually was. It left a sour taste in his mouth, and he wondered if he should just turn back and walk away.

“I do want to,” Mark said softly nevertheless. He clung to the doorframe as he stared at Jackson. It was the only thing keeping him from going there and ripping Felix’s arms from Jackson’s waist. However, the sight only reaffirmed that what he believed to connect him and Jackson was as fragile as dandelion fluff. Felix was the breeze blowing it all away.

“Okay!” Jackson beamed, and his energy was back. He gently untangled Felix from him and scooted off the edge of the air mattress. “You know I’m always ready to talk to you!”

Jackson took Mark’s wrist and led him out of the room before he could say anything. All Mark could do was remind himself that _this was not real_. Jackson was like this with everyone. He wasn’t anything special.

“You know, you were so distant this morning that I didn’t know how I was going to approach you. I thought my usual tactics wouldn’t work either.”

“Usual tactics?”

“Tackling you to the ground with hugs and kisses.”

Mark was startled into a laugh, but then he blushed just imagining Jackson’s mouth on him again. He wanted to slap himself. How could he be so susceptible to Jackson’s words? And then he got to thinking about how Jackson must have done it before with other people. He had to ask. 

“Does that usually work?”

“Not on Jaebum. He’s a grouchy one, especially in the mornings.”

“I… see.” That hardly answered his question.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Jackson whipped around when they got to Jaebum’s door where they had slept less than an hour ago. That was back when everything was still at peace and there wasn’t a war waging in Mark’s head.

“About the kiss…” Mark began nervously. He stared down at his feet. It scared him to address the matter. Somehow, the weight of Jackson’s presence forced his head down to the ground, and he couldn’t bear to lift his gaze.

“Ah!” Jackson jumped up. Mark’s eyes flickered up in surprise before returning to the carpeting. Jackson leaned back against the wall, the smugness palpable in his voice. “It was good, wasn’t it? You seemed to enjoy it.”

Jackson’s tone was laden with enthusiasm, but the idea of it all just made Mark want to sink into the earth in mortification. Seeing Jackson holding Felix, being unable to see what was happening underneath the blankets, Mark felt so stupid for letting it all happen. Since the beginning, he had no boundaries with Jackson, and now it was all coming back to slap him in the face. It was a rolling stone, slowly gathering mud on the way down. At the bottom of the hill, he had fallen so far. Dirty and abandoned, he was too heavy to get back up to where he once was. 

“Y-yeah. So um… can we just forget it all?” Mark squeaked. He finally mustered the courage to look up just as Jackson’s face fell.

“What?”

Mark watched Jackson’s disappointment like a man watching sand fall through his fingers. He was unable to stop it—the grains were too fine. However, the harder he clenched, the worse it became. With the sand embedded into his skin, Mark couldn’t find the correct words no matter how he scrambled in the dirt for his missing granules. In the end, he lost it all.

“W-well, it’d be weird if the others found out, r-right? So can’t we just pretend it never happened?” He tried to save face in words. Returning to plan A, he attempted to maintain that they were still friends. First and foremost, that was the most important thing to Mark. 

“I don’t…”

“Then we can go back to being friends who cuddle and shit without it being weird or anyone suspecting anything between us.”

“There’s nothing…?”

“Yeah. I know there’s nothing, but they don’t, right?”

Jackson shuffled his feet. That wasn’t what he meant, but Mark didn’t seem to catch the lost tenor to his voice. He gathered himself up to utter just one last syllable before everything fell to shit.

“Right.”

Mark knew there was nothing, but he couldn’t stop his subconscious. After a long day of recovering from the alcohol still dredged in his system, he felt gross and exhausted. He returned to his own house, trying to ignore the strange tension that had arisen between him and Jackson. He didn’t dare offer to sleep with Jackson again, for fear of being rejected—or worse, accepted. Turning a blind eye to how Jackson interacted with Felix seemed to help, so separating for the night was just another necessary step.

That night, however, his dreams only consisted of Jackson. He saw him, felt his presence all around him in the dusky lighting. As Jackson approached him with intent, Mark’s heart pounded out of his control. Jackson was close enough that their breaths mingled, but they still weren’t touching. Although Mark had never thought he would feel this way, he felt himself desiring contact. 

Eyes flashing open before his alarm even went off, Mark panted hard from his dream in a panic. He blinked up at his ceiling, utterly confused. He didn’t know if he should feel disgusted or disturbed. Either way, no such responses occurred. There was only shock, alarm, and a hint of arousal. Needing something to ease his mind, Mark grappled for his phone where he left it on his nightstand. Opening his web browser, he searched up information on dreams. He relaxed when he found that sex dreams with platonic friends symbolized connection and bonding. However, that did not explain his unconscious wish to continue the dream where it had been cut short.

The day of doom finally arrived. Jinyoung arrived to class more chipper than usual while everyone else was suffocating in the mires of their own hopelessness. It was the project’s due date. After their month of hard work, it was finally time to present it all to the class. Jackson, in particular, was more sluggish than usual due to sleep deprivation. Even through lunch, he could hardly get his spirit up with Jaebum and Jooheon there to try to cheer him up. 

After Mark had essentially rejected him, he felt like he was back at square one—no progress made. He didn’t even have the heart to try again. So when Mark dropped him off at his house, Jackson only wanted to be alone. He dragged his feet to the front door, without bothering to sweet talk Mark into sleeping over with cute acts. Gathering the courage to do such a thing would bring his hopes up with it. Then they would only have further to fall.

Jackson drummed his fingers on his desk. The classroom was reorganized into columns of two desks so that project partners could sit together. Mark was to his left, back totally straight as he stared ahead. Jackson could sense he was nervous and that did absolutely nothing to quell the butterflies twisting in his own gut. 

“You didn’t sleep well last night,” Mark commented. 

“No shit,” Jackson grumbled, turning his face into his folded arms.

“Did… you want me to sleep over? I was free last night, but I…”

“Aren’t you too free for someone with a girlfriend?” Jackson snapped back.

That was the second component that Jackson smacked his head for forgetting. It should be rule number one. Don’t touch people who are involved with someone else. Mark had a girlfriend, but then what was he doing kissing Jackson in other people’s bathrooms. Sure they were both drunk, but Jackson wished that the guy he admired would have more restraint than that. Then there was the open relationship, but Mark still didn’t see Jackson in that light anyway, right? He just wanted to be friends. So what was the point of Jackson thinking in these lopsided, immoral circles anyway?

“She’s been really busy with college applications lately,” Mark said without facing him.

Jackson sensed a spike in his anxiety and realized instantly that he was lying. Jackson scrutinized Mark’s erased features, void of anything that would give him away. Just what did he have to lie about? Were things not going well? Jackson kicked himself for feeling hopeful at someone else’s despair. 

When the bell rung, there was a new wave of nerves that drowned Jackson, as his feet were anchored to the sand. The water went up over his head.

“Can we go first?” Jackson croaked.

“Sure. Best to get things over with.” Mark raised his hand on their behalf. “Are you sure you’re okay though? You don’t look too good.”

“I’ll be fine once we go. I’d rather spend the rest of the presentations in the nurse’s office.”

Jinyoung called on them.

“We got this, okay?” Mark reached over to squeeze Jackson’s hand before they stood.

Jackson closed his eyes, treasuring the touch, but he had to return to reality too soon.

“I believe in us,” Jackson agreed, gaze flicking up to Mark’s smile. With Mark’s surge of confidence, Jackson was beginning to feel better. He followed Mark’s lead, pushing his shoulders back as he headed to the front of the classroom.

They had split up the presenting work fairly equally so that no one person was talking more than the other. Jackson glanced toward Jinyoung several times over the course of their talk and saw him nodding approvingly. That eased Jackson’s anxiety. He focused in on Mark and Jinyoung, the two nearest him anyway, and drowned out all the rest. Like this, he didn’t even have to make a fool of himself in order to lighten the general mood. By reflecting their emotions, his own would be at peace. He could conduct his presentation formally and exhibit how he actually had a brain in his head sometimes.

The class clapped unenthusiastically when they finished, but Jackson thought it was a great success. Nobody ever paid attention in the first place anyway.

“We should do more presentations together sometime,” Jackson said to Mark. “I feel like we have great compatibility!”

“When else would we be presenting? It’s just for class.” Mark laughed at the excitement in Jackson’s eyes. 

However, despite his own relief at being the first ones done, he was confused as to why Jackson’s expression turned to ash the moment Jinyoung continued roll. Jackson clattered into his seat, but Mark could not stop staring at him to make sure he was okay.

“Jackson?” he asked.

Jackson rested his head on the desk, feeling sorry for himself. He shook his head, trying to indicate that he didn’t want to talk. Although he was drawing more attention to himself by closing off, he couldn’t help it. He hated always going to the nurse during these things. It wasn’t like he wanted to trouble others. Nevertheless, the feverish chills from such a mélange of uneasy emotions made him ill. 

The drop only made it worse. After experiencing such a high from standing in front of the class with Mark by his side, returning to the sea of sharks was drowning him. He tilted his head to stare at Mark at the neighboring desk. However, there was only confusion and concern there, and that was not helping.

“Jackson,” Jinyoung’s voice rang out after another group finished. “If you aren’t even going to look like you’re paying attention, then could you leave the classroom?”

“Actually, Mr. Park,” Mark piped up. “I think he’s not feeling well. May I take him to the nurse?”

“No, if I just sit outside, I’ll feel better,” Jackson tried to brush off, but Jinyoung didn’t hear him.

“Okay, Mark, take him,” Jinyoung allowed. 

Mark helped Jackson up and dragged him by the arm to the door. On the way, Jinyoung picked another group at random, now that all the volunteers were gone. Jackson stumbled in his step. It was that girl again, the one from last time who became so nervous that Jackson had to go to the infirmary, the one who Jackson could never talk to because she was so anxious about Jackson’s presence. 

Mark caught Jackson before he fell and half-carried him out the door. He looked back once at the class before exiting. He had never had so many eyes on him since when the rumor had broken out over the reason of his expulsion from Mayflower. 

Jackson collapsed against the wall when they finally escaped.

“This much is better,” he sighed once the door closed. “Being in that room is toxic.”

“Is this that thing about how you don’t like being around other people when they’re nervous?” Mark asked.

“Yeah, it’s that thing.”

“That doesn’t even make logical sense. How can other people’s emotions affect you that much?”

“I’m very sympathetic.”

“That’s not sympathy,” Mark refuted. “That’s empathy.”

Jackson jolted at the word. It was during his youth, when he was researching all this nonsense, that he realized that he was an empath. The revelation had founded his young identity. He stared at Mark hard, wondering if he was catching on, but the comment was groundless.

“I’m just a really nice person,” Jackson joked.

However, he began wondering if it would be okay if Mark knew about his secret. Sure, they only really became friends recently, but it felt like they had known each other their whole lives. It was more than just the weeks spent together; Jackson could see the years in their future. If only Jackson had refrained himself from kissing him, they probably could have stayed normal forever. Now, he could only hope the tension would even out again.

“It’s that same girl, isn’t it?” Mark abruptly realized. “The one from last time.”

“What? Oh, is it?” Jackson feigned innocence. Why was Mark so perceptive at all the wrong times?

“Yeah, I remember because I was so surprised Mr. Park asked me to walk you to the nurse.” Mark looked over at Jackson. “And now here we are again. Same situation.”

“But now we’re friends so we can totally ditch together.”

“You wouldn’t before?”

“Well, I didn’t know if you would tell on me.”

“Would you actually do it now? I’m promising I won’t tell,” Mark raised an eyebrow. He saw past Jackson’s bravado in an instant.

“No,” Jackson hung his head. “My coach would kill me.”

The end of the week was completed with Thanksgiving break. Jackson noticed that Mark rarely ever spoke about his parents. Every time he asked, they were always out of town or busy with work. For one, he had never seen them in the several times he had been to Mark’s house. So the next best option arose in Jackson’s head one sleepless night. He rolled over onto his stomach, grappling for his phone in the dark. It was past 2 AM on Wednesday night—or Thursday morning, rather—but Jackson figured Mark could see the message when he woke up later. 

[2:13] Jackson: I know your parents are always busy so…  
[2:13] Jackson: If you don’t have any plans tmrw, come have Thanksgiving dinner with my family!!  
[2:13] Jackson: We’d love to have you! :D

Jackson was startled to see those little animated dots pop up on his screen under his messages right after the last one sent.

[2:14] Mark: Are you sure?

What was Mark talking about? Jackson couldn’t be surer of any decision made in the middle of the night than this. Despite their short time together, Jackson wouldn’t mind adding Mark to his family, even if it were only for one night.

[2:14] Jackson: Of course!!  
[2:15] Jackson: I’m the one who should be worried about my parents embarrassing me.  
[2:16] Mark: Okay. Should I bring anything?  
[2:16] Jackson: Just you <3

Jackson squealed at his own bold typing. He couldn’t believe he sent the heart, but he pressed the blue up arrow before he could change his mind and go for something tamer. He stared anxiously at his phone for Mark to respond.

[2:19] Mark: Hahaha, sure.  
[2:19] Mark: You didn’t ask your parents, did you?  
[2:19] Jackson: No…  
[2:20] Jackson: But I will first thing in the morning! I promise they’ll say yes.  
[2:20] Jackson: My extended family isn’t coming, so it’ll be lonely :/ Just parents and grandparents this year  
[2:20] Jackson: They’d love your company

Jackson waited two minutes for Mark to respond, but when he saw that he wasn’t, he tried inducing a conversation.

[2:23] Jackson: So what are you doing up so late?  
[2:25] Mark: Usual late night stuff  
[2:25] Jackson: …porn?

Mark’s response back was so fast.

[2:25] Mark: No.  
[2:25] Mark: Games  
[2:26] Mark: Is that what you’re doing?

Jackson’s message sent at the same time Mark’s delivered.

[2:27] Jackson: No!  
[2:26] Mark: Don’t think of me ;o

If Jackson had been drinking water, it would’ve been snorted up his nose and into his brain. He would’ve died young right then and there.

[2:27] Jackson: I’ll try not to (*`-`*) 

He rolled around in his bed. Maybe it was too much to try to be cheeky so soon. He didn’t know how Mark was going to take this playful back and forth. Would he be freaked out that it was too flirty? Would he go along with it? Mark was the one who had instigated it this time. However, it was so soon after Mark almost cracked under the pressure of the implications of their kiss. Jackson didn’t even know if he wanted Mark to know how he felt about him.

It didn’t help that it took five minutes—five long ass minutes that dragged Jackson through hell and back—before Mark responded with one word.

[2:32] Mark: Good

However, before Jackson could have a second heart attack about Mark’s response, his phone started ringing. He didn’t consider the time when he answered without looking at the screen.

“Hello? This is Jackson. Who is this?” Jackson asked.

“Who else would call you at this time of night, dumbass?” came Mark’s voice through the crackly receiver. Despite the harsh words, the nuance was endearing and Jackson melted hearing his voice. Mark’s late-night tone was deeper, and the husky quality of his voice was doing unspeakable things to him. 

Jackson closed his eyes before he could choke on his reply. “Right, I wasn’t thinking. Why’re you calling me?”

“Oh,” Mark’s voice broke. “I thought you wanted to talk. It’s hard for me to text right now because I’m in a game so I figured I’d call you instead. I felt bad. But if you want to sleep, then we can hang up—.”

“No!” Jackson interrupted. “No, I want to talk. Don’t hang up. I wasn’t going to be able to sleep anyway. I’ve been staying up too late recently, and it’s basically like a weekend tonight anyway.”

Mark was quiet for a beat. “Are you sure it’s not just because you can’t sleep in general?”

“No, I can sleep,” Jackson lied. Since the horror movie, it’s been nearly a week that Jackson hadn’t been able to fall asleep easily. However, he knew it wasn’t the fault of the film. He had stopped having nightmares fairly quickly and barely thought about monsters under his bed anymore. It was more the monsters in his heart that kept him awake. There probably wasn’t even a scientific reason for why thoughts of Mark denied him of sleep. Jackson only knew that the loneliness within him was like a plague.

“I can tell when you’re lying to me, Jackson,” Mark said softly. Jackson heard a sigh on the other end. “Should I come over? You haven’t looked well all week.”

“No, it’s fine—.”

“You keep saying that, but I really don’t like seeing you like this.”

Jackson couldn’t speak. He was too afraid to breathe. Mark made it sound like he really cared for him, and honestly, it was breaking his heart. 

“If you keep coming over, I may not be able to sleep alone anymore,” Jackson whispered as if he were afraid to say it out loud.

“Then I’ll keep coming over. It’s not like my parents care where I am at night. They aren’t even here right now.”

Jackson groaned, not like he was exasperated but like he was giving in. “Fine, come over.”

“Well, if you’re so uncertain, I don’t want to push—,” Mark began.

“Mark,” Jackson bit his lip. “I need you. Come over.”

Jackson practically heard Mark smile on the other end. There was the sound of a bag zipping and clothes rustling.

“I’m on my way,” Mark said.

“Drive safe. It’s late.”

“I will. I’ll be there soon.”

They hung up so Mark could drive. Jackson jumped out of bed to pace his room. Mark was coming over. It was the middle of the night. His parents were soundly asleep. Why did it feel like he was sneaking a boy into his room? Oh, right, because he was. Not that it was for _those_ purposes. But still. It was Mark, and he had _those_ feelings for him.

Jackson wanted to pull his hair out. He was so stressed just standing in his room, waiting for him. So he trudged down to the front door and pulled on his shoes. He walked outside into the frigid air and waited there for Mark’s sleek black car to pull up onto his street. 

In a few minutes, a paint coat that looked like midnight reflecting the street lamps parked in front of his house. Jackson heard the engine shut off and watched as Mark stepped out of his car. As he looked up from locking the doors, he jumped a little to see Jackson’s silhouette standing in the doorway. 

“What are you doing out here? It’s cold,” Mark hissed, doing a little run up the driveway. 

Jackson shrugged, his thin pajama shirt rustling. “Waiting for you.”

“Wait inside, where it’s warm,” Mark insisted, pushing Jackson into his own house. “Let’s go to sleep. I came here to sleep.”

Jackson looked down and, sure enough, Mark was already dressed in pajama pants. Mark kicked off his shoes, but Jackson still didn’t move. He couldn’t stop staring in wonder at Mark’s flushed cheeks and how he was breathing slightly hard.

“Are you sure you weren’t watching porn?” Jackson asked suspiciously. He studied Mark’s face closer. “Your face is all red.”

Mark backed away. “I promise I was just gaming. With Youngjae. You know him, right? I feel like you know everyone.”

“Youngjae? Yeah, I’ve seen him around. I didn’t know you two were that close.”

Mark shrugged. “This is basically all we do together. Play games.”

“But talking so late at night,” Jackson waggled his eyebrows.

Mark rolled his eyes and told Jackson to shove it. He physically pushed Jackson up the stairs to his room then into bed. He held Jackson’s body down as he wrapped him up in his own comforter before slipping in beside him.

“Ah, it’s been a while,” Mark breathed, sounding all fluffy. “It’s so warm.”

Jackson smiled, already feeling at peace. He didn’t care if Mark was referring to him or his bed. In the sparse lighting from the streetlamp outside his window, he rolled over to look at Mark’s face. He pushed the hair out of Mark’s eyes, fingers hesitating on the cold skin of Mark’s cheek. 

“It was cold for you too,” Jackson commented.

“That’s why I was saying you shouldn’t wait out there. It’s almost winter.”

“Almost,” Jackson repeated. “But not quite.”

It was just like their relationship: almost getting to that point, but really not quite.

“What do you mean?”

Jackson shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

He let his hand fall at Mark’s neck and shut his eyes. Flowing into his own emotions, he bathed in the pinkness he felt when he was next to Mark. It was tranquil, and it was rocking him to sleep. He felt hands on his side, holding him close, and his mouth quirked up in an involuntary smile. It was so different being able to sleep beside someone instead of by himself. If the last week was any indication, Jackson was incredibly concerned he would never be able to give it up. If he did, it would only harm his health.

In a sense, it was like he couldn’t live without Mark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the resolution of their conflict. trust. me. Writing this was so painful oml. I hope the ending of this chapter was happy enough to make the rest a little more okay though :) sad smile
> 
> Also edit for clarification: 
> 
> So Mark is really confused about what he's feeling. Going from friends to love interest is a severe jump, especially when he’s never even considered guys before. I thought i should clarify that because the whole beginning sequence is like a stream of consciousness from his POV when he’s lost af.
> 
> The whole deal with the "there’s nothing...?" is that Jackson took it as a saddened "What? There’s nothing?" like a dejected puppy. Meanwhile, Mark heard an incredulous like "What? No way, man, there’s nothing." because he couldn’t comprehend hearing anything else. Not to mention, Mark had just walked in on Jackson with Felix in bed. Well, on the air mattress. Nonetheless, that was a little traumatizing.
> 
> Then Jackson, on the other hand, still has trouble discerning the origin of those pink feelings, as mentioned before. One, because he’s never felt that way so intensely before. Second, because the feeling is so strong that it’s hard to tell where it’s coming from. It’d be like smelling perfume in an elevator. It’s hard to tell whom it belongs to when it is very strong and pervasive. Then imagine someone spraying you blindly, you won’t even know if the smell is coming from you until you’re alone. However, it isn’t like Jackson ever stops feeling this way for Mark, and the levels of emotion fluctuate based on interaction anyway.
> 
> Hope that analysis(?) kind of clears things up :)


	9. Family

Thanksgiving was a day to honor family and give thanks. It was a day to spread affection and inclusion. Jackson woke up with the same thought that was on his mind going to sleep. Resolutely, he came to the decision to tell Mark the secret of his ability when the time was right. If they were going to continue on any form of intimate friendship, Jackson could at least offer his self-disclosure. When Jackson had awoken to sunlight flitting over his eyelids, the first thing he had seen was Mark sleeping peacefully. He knew he could not lose Mark, and that was all it took to steel his resolve.

Just as Jackson predicted, his mother was more than pleased to welcome Mark to their family table. As she cooked in the kitchen, Mark never stopped moving, doing whatever he could to help. She eventually had to sit Mark down at the dining table with a plate of food and tell him to finish eating with Jackson before he even thought about getting up to help her again. Then she kissed him and Jackson on the head, telling them that they were both such good sons.

Around noon, Jackson’s grandparents arrived for lunch. He greeted them with big hugs and kisses, but their attention was quickly diverted to the new head present at the table. Both grandmothers were enraptured with how _pretty_ Mark was, unable to keep their hands off him. Beside him, his grandfather gave a nod of approval to Jackson. Jackson flushed red instantly. That move was not subtle at all. He quickly looked to see if Mark had seen, but the latter was busy entertaining Jackson’s grandmothers. 

Mark was thoroughly entertained by Jackson’s family. He could easily see that he got his crazy, overdramatic nature from his father. Even his mother, as elegant as she was, was full of smiles, much like a girl with youth in her heart. Since Mark was usually quiet, he was afraid of uncomfortable lulls in the conversation, but that never seemed to occur. In that sense, Jackson also very much resembled his parents. They were all such extroverts, and the brightness of their energy blinded Mark.

It was clear how much Jackson loved his family and how much they adored him in return. That should have warmed Mark’s heart to the fullest. However, in reality, it was just so lonely on his part to stand, obviously segregated, from Jackson’s family. Without a mother’s smile gracing him or a father’s firm pat on the back, all Mark could think of was how broken his own family was. They were constantly busy with work or were just gone without a word as to why. That included the holidays. Mark was planning to cook for one this Thanksgiving like it was any other day of the week.

Suddenly, a hand was sliding into his, breaking him out of his thoughts. His skin warmed where they touched, and his heart pounded in surprise.

“I want my family to feel like yours,” Jackson said softly. One look, and then he was pulling Mark away from the adults. They hid under the staircase, out of sight from everyone else in the kitchen. There, he stopped. “I don’t want to pry into what your family situation is, but I want you to always feel welcome here with us. I know we haven’t known each other that long, but it would be a lie for me to say you weren’t one of my best friends.”

He blushed. “They all love you a lot,” Mark noted instead of addressing how his heart hadn’t stopped beating so incredibly fast. How could Jackson say these things so easily? 

“Of course. We’re family,” Jackson stared at Mark with meaningful eyes. “Now, you and me too. We’re family as well, okay?”

“I thought you hated it when I said you were like my little brother,” Mark referenced when he had first called Jackson that, lying in someone else’s bed at a party. He had been so afraid of losing Jackson as an acquaintance then. He didn’t want to suffer awkward project meetings or dread classroom interactions. Now, he had a different reason to want Jackson. So many things have changed since then. Their relationship had grown so much, but now Mark had hit a wall, and he had to hold himself back. He couldn’t call Jackson his little brother anymore; he didn’t want that type of relative connection with Jackson.

“Nothing like that,” Jackson replied. “I don’t want labels. No hierarchy. I’m just saying that in general, as a whole, together… we’re family.”

Mark looked at Jackson, and suddenly Jaebum’s voice flashed in his head. 

_Think about what Jackson means to you._

Jackson meant a lot to him. But now, he wanted him to be family as well? Mark reflected on how often they had shared a bed, on the depths their conversations have gone. He had freely told Jackson about his weakest moment, and Jackson had stood by him resolutely. Mark had never had someone like Jackson before, but that was hardly a bad thing. To him, Jackson was one in a million—maybe one in seven billion—and he was lucky enough to have the chance to be his friend.

Mark grinned. He glanced down at where Jackson was still holding his hand. “Okay.”

Jackson’s eyes locked on Mark’s for a beat before he seemed unable to help himself. He dragged Mark forward into a hug. Their bodies collided in surprise, but Mark naturally wrapped his arms around Jackson’s waist while Jackson held on around his shoulders. 

“Mark… there’s something I need to tell you,” Jackson murmured directly into Mark’s ear. Was the time right? Jackson wondered. After all of this confession, it had to be. They were so close. In that sliver of space and time, they were probably inseparable. 

“Wh-what is it?” Mark asked, his voice cracking. What else could Jackson want to tell him? Mark’s head was racing with the possibilities. This whole situation left him so nervous about what Jackson was going to say next. But what else could top that sort of confirmation of their bond? Well, it was Jackson, wild and crazy Jackson, who was as unpredictable as the wind.

“Mark! Jackson!” Jackson’s mother’s voice shrilled, slicing into their moment. 

The two broke apart instantly. On edge, they were like prey that heard the growl of a predator. Their hair was on end, ears perked to any and every sound. They looked around wildly. No one was there.

“Come look at what I found!” she continued yelling from a distance.

Mark was shaking with residual adrenaline; his heart was pounding so hard that he was afraid Jackson could hear it. No one had seen them, but imagine if someone had. Mark knew there was no way to excuse how intimate they had looked together. Jackson’s head had been resting on his shoulder. That wasn’t even a casual ‘bro’ hug.

Jackson had always been touchy, but that whole situation felt different somehow. The air between them was soft. It was like Jackson was comforting him. Mark had to admit that he had been stuck in his own head again when Jackson announced suddenly that they were family. Yet, there was more that Jackson wanted to say before he was cut off. Mark was insanely curious, but he knew not to push it in front of the adults. 

Mark watched Jackson’s back as he turned to go find his mother. It felt strange to watch the line of his shoulders recede. Loneliness aside, there was an urge to catch up to him, to walk beside him. It was driving Mark crazy.

There was a vibration in Mark’s pocket. He pulled out his phone to see a text from Hani.

[4:52] Hani <3: Do you want to come for Thanksgiving? We have an extra seat for my bf.

Mark stared at his screen. He knew that Hani was aware of his family’s persistent absence since she worked for his father. However, the text seemed rather cold: a back burner invite. Not that Mark had minded her last minute messages before, but now things were different. Those texts were no longer calls for sex. It seemed like both he and she had no purpose for meeting anymore; they had nothing to tie them together.

[4:53] Mark: No thanks. I’m at Jackson’s.

Slipping his phone back into his pocket, he ran off to find where Jackson had gone. He found him on the living room floor with his head in his hands. 

“Look, look!” his mother cried joyously when she saw Mark.

Mark walked over, carefully stepping over scattered photo albums. 

“No, don’t look!” Jackson wailed.

Mark ignored him. He peered over Jackson’s mother’s shoulder to look at a printed picture of Jackson as a toddler. Sunglasses on and toy guitar strapped around his torso, he was making strange hand poses at the camera in an attempt to look cool. Mark laughed brightly while Jackson’s mother cooed over her son as a baby rock star.

A few pictures later, Mark was on the floor too. Jackson gave up trying to protect his dignity and joined in on the laughter. He kept pressing Mark to tell him how cute he was as a baby. With all the fun, Mark had forgotten about what Jackson was trying to say earlier. He didn’t even feel the vibration of Hani’s returning text so he didn’t see her message until he went to the bathroom half an hour later.

[4:59] Hani <3: Have fun with Jacky ;)

Dinner progressed smoothly, with fewer attempts to embarrass Jackson with childhood tales. Jackson was still on his toes, ready to cut in whenever necessary. Mark, on the other hand, was just enjoying the food. He had never tasted turkey so delicious, and he voiced this opinion to Jackson’s mother ardently. She smiled on proudly, saying he was too sweet.

They ate for over an hour, and Mark hadn’t felt so stuffed in ages. Jackson sat back, groaning. He wanted to unbuckle his belt, but he thought that might be too rude with Mark there. So he looked over with a lazy smile on his face. He watched Mark finish up the last of his green beans. It was surprisingly enjoyable to watch Mark eat. He tended to open his mouth wider than necessary before stuffing his fork full of food inside, and it was adorable. Mark approached the food with a certain level of enthusiasm that was refreshing to Jackson. He didn’t simply shovel the meal inside. Mark tasted and savored what was on his tongue—Jackson could tell from carefully studying his expressions throughout dinner.

His mother excused herself from the dining room then promptly returned bearing two pies. Jackson’s eyes lit up, his second stomach awakening. He took a huge slice and dug in like it was his first meal of the night. Mark gawked at him, amazed that he could eat so much. Yet, Mark nevertheless took a slice as well since he was clearly not one to give up dessert.

“Didn’t think you’d eat so well,” Jackson commented around his mouthful of pie. 

“Because I’m skinny?” Mark replied blandly.

“No, because we’ve never eaten together before. Duh.”

“That one time at your house, we did. After the horror movie.” Mark tried to play off the flutter in his chest that he felt every time Jackson exceeded his expectations. 

“Ugh don’t make me remember,” Jackson said, acting nauseous. “But that was like leftovers. That doesn’t count.”

“Sure,” Mark said, hiding his smile behind his last bite.

After cleaning up, Mark joined Jackson outside on the patio in the backyard. He noticed that Jackson had changed into sweatpants. 

“You’re sitting like an uncle,” Mark commented, leaning against the pillar. He watched how Jackson sat on the wide patio chair with his legs spread. 

“I’m so full,” Jackson wailed. “I feel like my stomach is going to burst.”

“It’s kinda cold out here,” Mark said, pulling his jacket closer together.

“Come sit with me,” Jackson replied. He held out his arm over the back of the cushion. “There’s enough room.”

Mark looked around cautiously before approaching Jackson. He tentatively sat on the arm of the chair before Jackson grabbed him by the waist and pulled him down. Their hips overlapped.

“Ah!” Mark yelled in surprise. 

“I’m not going to bite,” Jackson insisted, making sure Mark was nuzzled in and warm. His breath halted in his throat. He worried that Mark would be able to hear the beat of his heart or that his feelings would overflow onto Mark’s radar. However, it was ridiculous to think that somehow Mark would be able to sense his emotions. Normal human senses didn’t work like that, but Jackson couldn’t help overthinking.

Mark hummed, noting Jackson’s statement. Jackson stared at how Mark’s lips pressed together. He was more than tempted. 

“Unless you want me to,” Jackson added on as a joke before he could stop himself.

“No,” Mark giggled. “Biting… I don’t know.”

“But you bit me a lot while we were… kissing.” The last word came out strangled, as Jackson belatedly remembered Mark’s advocacy to never speak about the incident again. He didn’t know if he was allowed to name the forbidden word. It was as if calling the incident by its name would bring about a curse, and they would be forever estranged.

If the way Mark turned away so that he wouldn’t have to face Jackson was any answer to his uncertainty, his next words made it definite.

“I thought we weren’t going to talk about that.”

“Right… sorry. It was just an example.”

“But that’s honestly not something I’ve done before. I don’t think I’ve ever kissed anyone that… aggressively,” Mark responded slowly, turning back to face Jackson as he did so.

Jackson caught the nuance of reciprocity in his tone, and he warmed up rapidly. Although Mark had affirmed his discomfort, here he was, adding his own opinion to the conversation. Maybe Mark wouldn’t be so cold about the topic forever. If he was expanding on the interaction on his own, then there was a chance that this could become something comfortable between them, just something that happened between two drunken friends. Maybe it would even be a talking piece at parties.

“Wow, I was your first?” Jackson teased.

“And I wasn’t for you?” Mark shot back. He raised his eyebrows at Jackson. The playful glint in Mark’s eyes made Jackson melt under the unspoken attractive tension between them. 

“Yeah,” Jackson said, tone soft. “You were.”

“Stop that. I feel like we’re getting too mushy,” Mark complained, but his mood was tinged with sunshine yellow and deepened with sunrise pink. Jackson smiled to know that he was having fun, even though they were just sitting here in the cold talking. Closing his eyes slowly, he took a second to absorb Mark’s emotions. That must transcribe to mean friendship to Mark, Jackson considered. It was just one second, and then Jackson was opening his eyes and reverting to his energetic self. That was the only way he could talk about this without giving away how much it really meant to him.

“But really!” Jackson insisted. “That was… intense. I’ve never…”

“But you’ve made out with people before, right?”

“Yeah, a little…”

For the same reason that Jackson veered away from sex, he tried to refrain from anything too bodily intimate with his exes. There was the constant fear of losing himself that held Jackson back. What could start with simple kissing might lead to something that Jackson wasn’t ready for. His own susceptibility terrified him, and the inability to predict where his actions may lead was the worst. 

Jackson was old enough to know the difference between urges and morals. Even if someone seemed like they wanted it— _felt_ like they wanted it—they could still hold ethical reservations. That was something, if Jackson was too closely intertwined with their emotion, that he might not be able to discern. He knew that when he, as many other males, was too aroused, he lost all rational sanity. He could say that was why he used Mark’s physical voice as material to get off when he had been so caught up in the wisps of his wet dream. However, he knew that was no real excuse. Yet, that was reason enough to stop him from continuing anything. What if he ended up on the same pattern of behavior, except with Mark’s physical body instead? What would happen to them then?

In that sense, he also knew he should stop letting Mark sleep with him. It was pushing the boundaries of friendship, and Jackson was already tempted to go too far just sitting together, even though they were in full view of his parents inside the house. However, he understood Mark would never fall into the depths of romantic feelings and thus drag Jackson under with him. It was a relief, as it was also heartbreaking, to know that Mark would never want him like that. As Mark’s emotions were already so much stronger to him than anyone else’s, that would be too dangerous.

“It’s also something you don’t want to do? Like going all the way?” Mark asked. His first true conversation with Jackson was still fresh in his mind. It was when he had first seen Jackson outside of school, and he had been more than surprised at how friendly Jackson was with everyone at the party. He hadn’t meant to flaunt his past from his old school so soon, but those aspects of his personality were already too grating against Jackson’s softness. After that afternoon, the air was laden with the potential to lose him. If he had stepped incorrectly that day, if he hadn’t properly apologized for the missteps he had already made in the pool at his house, would they be where they are today? Would Jackson have asked him to be family?

“No… I…” Jackson wondered why Mark was growing somber, and he couldn’t find the words to speak. Unable to read Mark’s thoughts, he could only stare at the closing expression on Mark’s face in confusion. 

“What about that ‘someone’ that you said you like?” Mark asked abruptly.

“I do want to!” Jackson blushed as soon as he blurted it out. “A-and I have with other people—like I said—but never…too deeply.”

“It sounds like you’re trying to hold yourself back from something.”

“I am, yes,” Jackson admitted. “I actually wanted to tell you about it back under the stairs.”

“Ah, that,” Mark said, remembering how Jackson’s breath had felt along the shell of his ear as he whispered to him. He shivered, and Jackson pulled him closer, thinking that it was because of the cold. Jackson tucked his head in Mark’s shoulder.

“It feels weird to tell someone else. I actually don’t know where to start,” Jackson said, a little embarrassed to be making such a big deal of this. He always over-embellished everything for the fun of it, but now that it was actually something serious to him… he didn’t know what to do.

“It’s a secret?” Mark asked.

“Yeah, I’ve only told one person outside my family.”

“But you said I’m your family now.”

“My family by blood,” Jackson clarified. “But yeah, that’s also why I want to tell you.” He squeezed Mark’s knee in comfort. He wanted to make sure Mark felt included. If it would do anything to ease the gray loneliness plaguing his heart, Jackson would be grateful. The pinkness Mark returned gave him relief.

“You don’t have to tell me right now if you still need time to think about it,” Mark said. 

“Yeah, I might.”

“That’s strange for you, Jackson Wang, to run out of words to say.”

“You’re making me show all kinds of sides of myself,” Jackson put on a fake flirty tone, pretending to blush. Mark shoved his shoulder gently, wordlessly telling him to fuck off. 

“So who else did you tell?” Mark asked, busying himself with a hangnail. Jackson could feel the expectation behind his words.

“Jaebum, of course. Well, he kind of figured it out on his own, I guess.”

“Oh? And I won’t be able to?” Mark challenged.

“It took him a couple years,” Jackson said. “And we were kids back then… I wasn’t as good at controlling… it.”

“Controlling it,” Mark repeated. “Is it like a superpower? Don’t tell me you’re hiding telekinesis from me.”

“No, no, nothing that cool,” Jackson laughed. Then he decided, “I’ll tell you one day. I swear. Just give me some time to get my head together.”

Mark nodded. “That’s a promise.”

They locked their pinkies together.

It really was an accident that Jaebum found out. They were young, and Jaebum started to pick up on how Jackson’s mood was always so fickle, depending on those around him. When Jackson started getting into fights, Jaebum had grabbed him afterschool, intending to knock some sense into him. He knew Jackson was too sweet at heart to be getting involved in such dangerous situations. As kids, he had even promised Jackson’s mother to watch out for him as an older brother. Jackson, crying at how Jaebum had exploded at him, admitted to his empathetic ability between sniffles. 

Jackson didn’t want Mark to have to find out by accident like that. It had been a whole scene that Jackson had no desire to re-experience. As it was such a big part of his life, wouldn’t that feel like a betrayal when they were already getting so close? What had saved his friendship with Jaebum was the closeness of their families. With Mark, Jackson had no such connection. It was make or break.

However, since he wasn’t ready yet, they spent the rest of the hour talking about everything else. Jackson talked about how his teammates were starting to create unnecessary drama with Jessica, the girl who was breaking Andy’s heart, because she wouldn’t accept Andy’s elaborate invitation to Winter Formal. In front of so many people, Andy had been mortified, and Jessica gained the upper hand again. Mark hummed here and there to show he was still listening. Yet, Mark found his eyes drawing to Jackson’s mouth, and it wasn’t just because they were sitting so close that it was hard to look anywhere else. 

Consequentially, Jaebum’s words to him had made him overly conscious of Jackson and the kiss they shared. Mark’s suggestive dreams over the course of the subsequent nights had done nothing to help either. He didn’t know when exactly it started happening, but now he couldn’t shake the new light that was shining over Jackson’s head like a halo. Mark shifted in his seat, feeling uncomfortably warm sitting beside Jackson. He felt like he was sweating. His hands shook a little when he lifted them from where his fingers were twisting into the fabric of his pants. 

Unable to take it any longer, Mark stood up suddenly, knocking Jackson’s hands off of him. He ignored how Jackson looked like a kicked puppy. He stood awkwardly with his palms pressed together, ready to say something.

“Hey, I have a modeling job next Saturday if you want to come and watch,” he offered. Then he hesitated when Jackson didn’t immediately answer. “You seemed interested before so I just…”

“I’d love to!” Jackson popped up. “You know I’ve been gushing about your looks since we first met.”

Mark rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I know,” he emphasized. Sometimes he wondered if that was all Jackson saw in him, but he had to remind himself that Jackson had stuck around by his own choice—and that was the difference. 

“So next Saturday? Okay, I’ll make sure I’m free.”

Mark scuffed the toe of his shoe against the ground for something else to say.

“Should we go in and watch a movie or something? It’s getting cold.”

“Sure,” Jackson said, standing as well. He straightened out his pants.

Walking side by side, they didn’t touch. The warm air was a nice reprieve after the biting chill outside, but Mark’s palms were still uncomfortably clammy. His gaze darted around self-consciously as they passed through Jackson’s house. 

They ran into Jackson’s parents as they entered through the kitchen to go up the stairs to Jackson’s room. 

“Ah, Mark,” Jackson’s mom piped up. “Sorry, we have Jackson’s grandparents staying in the guest room and using the air mattress as well. So you’ll have to compromise with Jackson over using his bed or the couch.”

Mark made eye contact with Jackson, who looked aside with a bitten smile. His mom didn’t know how many times they had already slept in the same bed. Or maybe she did know—as mothers always did—and she was just saying words for formality’s sake. There were only so many times that Jackson could pretend that Mark happened to come over really early in the morning just for breakfast.

“We got it,” Jackson said. “Thanks, Mom.” He leaned forward to give her a kiss on the cheek out of habit. Realizing what he had just done, he quickly glanced over at Mark, but there was no judgment in Mark’s disposition. Mark only possessed a little longing, and Jackson knew that Mark must have missed his own family right then because of that. Jackson took Mark’s hand to reassure him and dragged him up the stairs. Jackson closed the door behind them.

This time, it wasn’t going to be horror. They were going to watch a comedy, Jackson’s choice. While Jackson messed with the television, Mark stared uncertainly at the bed, unsure of how they should sit. He had told himself to have boundaries with Jackson, but he couldn’t help desiring to be close to him for the coziness of it all. Indecisive, he stood at the edge of Jackson’s bed for seconds too long. Jackson wound up making the choice for him when he plopped down and yanked Mark down on top of him, oblivious of his internal conflict. Mark fell with a thud on Jackson’s chest. Laughing, he rolled over but stayed by his side. Jackson’s arm came up to wrap around him. Mark figured this much should be okay.

Really, it was okay. It should have been. However, Mark’s palms were starting to sweat again, and he felt insanely _nervous_ for no apparent reason. Jackson’s smell was all around him, and it was like a giant fluffy blanket of everything nice. On one part, it was amazingly comforting. On the other, it was mildly suffocating and making him sweat for no reason. Mark’s eyes flicked up to Jackson’s face several times over the course of the production credits to gauge his expression, but there was nothing to reveal any sort of anxiety on his part. Was it all just Mark? 

Then, Jackson subtly chewed at his lip for a second too long, and Mark caught it. He quickly turned back to the screen. He took it to mean reciprocity of feeling. Then he wondered. What happened that they both felt so anxious all of a sudden? Mark was unused to this type of affection, but Jackson… Jackson was like this with everyone. Right?

Jackson’s fingers tightened where they were holding his arm. Mark looked over, thinking that Jackson wanted to say something, but his lips didn’t move. And then back to the screen, it was. 

When the movie officially began, Mark was able to lose his reservations to the comedic antics on the television. He leaned his head down so that it would rest on Jackson’s shoulder. He felt every lurch in Jackson’s body as the latter laughed, but Mark didn’t mind at all. Everything felt just right like this. Constricted to Jackson’s side, it was hardly a punishment. 

Mark used to feel so trapped whenever girls wanted to cuddle after sex. He would concede since he wasn’t a bastard, but he never enjoyed the idle stroking up and down his arms, the flowery hair in his face, the python-like embrace around his chest, nor the legs entwined with his. It was always too much intimacy for a non-intimate scene. Now, here he was doing it unprompted with a guy. This was unheard of for him. He would sometimes sling an arm around his guy friends’ shoulders, but when they returned the love, he would freak out. He didn’t react majorly; it was more like a wicked shiver down his back from being tickled. Essentially, it was unpleasant. So how was he in bed with Jackson, letting Jackson drape his thigh across his and wrap an arm around his shoulders until they were so close that their entire respective left and right sides were in contact? Mark knew his answer.

Jackson shifted his foot, sliding it up Mark’s calf in the process of getting more comfortable, and Mark’s breath hitched. As soon as the mild gasp left his lungs, he desperately hoped that Jackson wouldn’t notice. He could already feel his ears turning red, but he ignored it. He focused with deadly intensity on the movie, as if that would in effect make Jackson do the same. He relaxed when the tension in Jackson’s shoulder drained. He didn’t say anything.

When the movie ended, Mark didn’t feel any more purified from the strange thoughts plaguing his mind. The tingle he felt when Jackson moved against him was not anything he felt with his family. It was unfamiliar when with his friends who made him coil away for different reasons. Yet, could it even be sexual attraction when he didn’t feel that way with any girls either? This only painted Jackson as more of an alien than a human being. However, though Jackson was certainly strange, Mark wasn’t ready to jump to that conclusion yet.

“I didn’t expect the movie to be that funny when I first saw the trailer,” Jackson breathed. Mark lifted his head up off of Jackson’s shoulder to observe Jackson’s red cheeks. There was still the echo of a smile on his face from memory of the humor. Jackson continued to ramble on about the movie, reliving various scenes even though Mark had been right there beside him for those two hours watching the same thing. Mark set listening to autopilot as he stared at Jackson’s face. 

Even before they knew each other well, Mark could easily say that Jackson was handsomer than most. Now, though, he was aware of features on Jackson that appealed to him on a different level. Jackson’s eyes, when their gazes met, always seemed to reflect Mark in their depths. It was the intensity of his attention to him that captivated Mark, giving him a pride that he had never experienced before. Then there were his lips, which were pouted in the most curious way, inciting a dangerous interest in him. He could remember what they felt like past the drunken haze, which seemed to only add more tingling sparks in the moment. When Jackson had mentioned the biting earlier, Mark couldn’t admit how much that excited him at the time. If they hadn’t been caught that night, he didn’t know how much his reaction would end up showing. Or where they would end up going.

Jackson placed a hand on Mark’s knee to fish him out of his thoughts. “So, Mark, what did you think?”

“It… it was good. I liked it,” Mark said numbly, still caught up in the mess tumbling around inside his head.

“What are you thinking about?” Jackson asked suddenly, turning them so that they could better face each other instead of the wall in front of them. “I can tell you’re thinking about something else.”

“Nothing,” Mark lied. “I was listening.” He thumped his head against the wall that Jackson’s bed was stationed against. He blinked slowly at Jackson, but his stare was unrelenting.

“You can’t lie to me. I asked you a question earlier, and you didn’t respond.”

“O-oh,” Mark dropped his gaze. “What I was thinking about… uh, never mind. It isn’t that important so.”

He would never have the balls to admit that he had been considering Jackson as the cause for the unprecedented emotions rushing at him at full blast. Though the realization was nothing plain as day, Mark had to once again reconsider what Jaebum told him. The words had been very suggestive. What if Jaebum wanted to see Jackson as more than a friend? No, that wasn’t right. He wanted _Mark_ to see Jackson as more than—.

“It seems important,” Jackson tilted toward him, and Mark almost choked on his inhale. He flushed bright red.

“You don’t know that.” 

“But you have such a serious expression on your face,” Jackson pressed. “Why can’t you tell me?”

Mark chewed at his lip. “I’ll tell you after you tell me your secret,” he decided, hoping that Jackson wouldn’t want to tell him for a while based on his words “one day.” Since he had seemed so conflicted over sharing earlier, Mark hoped this was a good bet. However, he was soon proven wrong. He forgot how Jackson was once ready to tell him under the staircase.

“Do you really want me to tell you now?” Jackson responded easily. “Because I can, no problem.”

Mark’s eyes widened. He hadn’t considered that. He scrambled for a way to interrupt Jackson, but the latter had already begun talking.

“I can feel other people’s emotions,” Jackson blurted out.

Mark’s body went cold at the implications before he even had a chance to question if Jackson was lying. He stared at Jackson, his expression frozen in place. With all his might, he tried to shut down his emotions so that Jackson wouldn’t be able to see them. He couldn’t muster a smile or a frown or a look of confusion. He just stared at Jackson blankly like his life was falling apart. With Jackson’s eye in his emotions, Mark felt horribly exposed. Every flicker of sentiment had been bared to Jackson without filter. Even what he had just been thinking about in private, Jackson _must have known_. If Jackson was aware of that and didn’t say anything, if he knew that Mark was considering him and still insisted for Mark to share, wasn’t he just seeking to embarrass him? 

Inundated with a flood of bitter resentment, Mark clicked his tongue. He stood abruptly, knocking Jackson’s arms off of himself. He walked to the other end of the room as if the distance would create a barrier. He crossed his arms over his chest protectively as he glared at Jackson.

“If you know so much, then why the hell do I have to tell you what I was thinking?” Mark snapped. The longer he stood there facing Jackson, the more his resolve cracked under the pressure. He felt tears burn his eyes in frustration. “I don’t want to tell you shit.”

Mark turned before Jackson could see him sniffle. He bent to grab his bag, slinging it on his shoulder. He headed for the door. 

“Where are you going?” Jackson asked, sitting up. 

“I don’t think I can stay here tonight.”

“But it’s late,” Jackson begged, but Mark’s path didn’t waver. “Is it because of my ability?”

Mark paused, hand on the door handle. Even if Jackson wanted to reject him in this roundabout way, he did not think Jackson could play it off so casually. Only recently had Mark realized that his heart might have opened too wide in reaction to Jackson’s charm. However, Jackson must have known long before since emotions are more spontaneous than conscious thought. Mark recalled what Jackson had told him under the staircase, that they were family. Family ran along the line of friendship—it wasn’t a passionate type of love. Including Mark in such a way reinforced that they were only friends.

“You knew _all_ this time and didn’t say anything.” Mark’s fingers squeezed at the handle without turning it. It was as if he were holding onto the fraying strands of his sanity.

“Knew what?”

“I can’t believe you, you _dick_. Use your fucking ability and figure it out for yourself.”

He slammed open the door and ran down the stairs. 

Jackson was left behind in shock. He didn’t expect Mark to have that kind of reaction. Over the course of the movie, Jackson was at peace with the affection making his heart pound at having Mark so close. He thought the time was right to reveal the affliction that had plagued his adolescence. However, he knew he had been terribly wrong when Mark’s emotions turned jet black. Jackson had never felt anything like it before, and it made goose bumps sprout across his skin like a rash. That’s when Mark had spun on him, boiling with a frustration. The emotion edged on hatred, but it seemed to burn Mark as much as it did Jackson. And yet, with all of Jackson’s lame superpower abilities, he could do nothing to stop Mark from leaving. He couldn’t read Mark when he most needed to. 

So when he ran downstairs to chase after Mark, he only arrived at the front door in time to see Mark pull out from the curb and drive out of sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sad. 
> 
> Mark knows too much without knowing anything. Jackson doesn't understand. Ah these two...
> 
> Anyway, as always, I appreciate all the comments and I wanted to post this for you guys asap so sorry if there are any grammar mistakes. I'm tired .-. Thinking about the next chapter too.. This makes my heart hurt :(


	10. Fall

Jackson went to bed troubled that night. He kept waking up every two hours to an empty bed and a cold heart. He couldn’t figure out why Mark had gotten so upset. Hours before, he sent Mark a text, asking if he got back safely, but he only got a curt yes as a response. Then nothing else. Jackson was crawling with anxiety that kept him stranded from the comforts of sleep. 

It scared him how easily Mark’s emotions had dropped. Just before, they had been cuddled together past the end credits of the movie, and Jackson was content in the affection he felt for Mark. Before that even, Jackson thought that they had gained ground in their relationship when Mark had opened up to talk about their shared kiss. There was even the shimmer of hope that they could do it again. 

Jackson had just been trying to be playful, asking Mark too many questions. However, when he claimed that he was ready to reveal his secret, he said so with trepidation all the same. It wasn’t anything easy to give up such a large part of his identity. He knew the risks of telling his secret. The massive rejection he was slapped with had made all of his fears real. When Mark had stormed out, Jackson couldn’t have imagined a worse result. 

The next day, Jackson plastered on a fake smile for his parents when they asked where Mark had gone. Jackson lied, saying that he left early that morning because he had something to take care of. His mother would never let him rest for allowing Mark to leave in the middle of the night. Neither said anything about the dark circles under his eyes. 

When they went out as a family for Black Friday shopping, his grandparents pampered him with gifts. Everyone was trying in his or her own way to cheer Jackson up because, really, they all could infer the real reason. Jackson was grateful to them all, but it couldn’t clear the confusion in his head. 

Half a day had passed since Jackson sent Mark a “hey” that morning, but he got no response. He found himself staring at his phone screen mindlessly as if that would make a message magically appear. Instead, he was confronted with disappointment each time his phone flashed with notifications from people that were not Mark. 

 

 

The weekend passed in a daze of food-oversaturation and insomnia. However, no matter what brilliant dishes were placed in front of him, swallowing down the food grated against the dryness in his throat. He felt apologetic to his parents, but he couldn’t help the depressive state that drowned him. He ate to eat, but he always felt full because he was never truly hungry. 

Mark hadn’t responded to his text message at all. Or the one he sent after that. Jackson felt like the living dead when he walked into school the next morning, but he dragged himself out of bed early for the chance to talk to Mark in person. He prepared an apology in his head, even though he honestly had no idea what was wrong. He hoped at least a better explanation of his empathy perception would resolve their tensions.

However, when he stepped into first period early, Mark was missing from his seat. Jackson idly conversed with the people around him, but he couldn’t keep his eyes off of that empty desk in the back. It was less than a minute until the final bell rang that Mark arrived to class, carrying a backpack off his shoulder and a massive gray cloud over his head. It weighed Jackson down with the gravity of an anchor strapped to his mood. Again, the waves passed over Jackson’s head, suffocating him beneath the water.

Experiencing this gloom in Mark’s aura, he realized that Mark had been feeling a lot more than just gray in the last few weeks spent together. With the constant presence of Mark beside him, melding into his excitement, his joy, he hadn’t noticed how Mark had lost a lot of his leaden emotions. Easy enough, since it was difficult to notice when something was missing. However, now the realization was clogging the back of Jackson’s mind all through class, and nothing else was passing through. When had Mark learned to be so happy, and why did it all disappear in an instant?

When the bell finally rung, Jackson flew out of his seat to talk to Mark, but the latter was faster. He was already out the door before Jackson could gather all his things. Yet, when Jackson got to the next class, Mark wasn’t even in the room. Jackson went out to the hall and looked around, but he couldn’t find him. Disappointed, he sat back down in his seat. Jaebum entered the classroom then. He sat down in his seat next to Jackson and unpacked before fully looking at him.

“Oh my god. What happened?” Jaebum exclaimed. 

“Nothing happened,” Jackson grumbled. He stretched out over the desk and rested his head in his arms face-first.

“Something most definitely happened.” Jaebum scanned the room before continuing. “Is it Mark?”

“Yeah,” Jackson responded half-heartedly.

“Did he finally reject you?”

“I didn’t tell him I like him.”

“Then what…?”

“I told him about the other thing. About _my_ thing.”

“Oh,” Jaebum said, inflicting so much meaning into that single syllable. “And?”

“And he left my house in the middle of the night because he couldn’t stand being around me anymore. That’s what. Now he won’t respond to my texts, and he’s been avoiding me all day.”

“He wouldn’t tell anyone, right?”

“No!” Jackson lifted his head to scowl. “No, he wouldn’t do that.”

Energy drained out of him from that little motion, he let his head drop back onto his arms again. He turned to face Jaebum like this. Jackson asked Jaebum what time it was, and he answered that it was a minute to the bell. Just then, he felt a familiar presence enter, but he was too dejected to lift his head to look. However, the gray fog twisted into a vile green, causing Jackson’s chest to tighten. Jackson’s head bolted up at that, making scary-exact eye contact with Mark across the room. In that split second before Mark realized Jackson was looking right back, his eyes were heavy with an unspoken sorrow. However, they shifted back to a cold indifference when Mark decided to turn away first. Yet, they both knew that Jackson could still feel the same loneliness and faint… jealousy? …that pervaded Mark’s aura.

“What is it?” Jaebum whispered. “What did you feel?”

Jackson stared blankly in the spot where Mark formerly stood. “The same as before.”

“Before as in before you two started hanging out?”

“What?”

“Remember how you said that his emotions were so oppressively gray that you couldn’t feel happy around him? That stopped when you two became friends, you know. To both of you. Jackson, I’ve never seen you happier.”

The teacher began class before Jackson could respond, and their conversation was lost. Under the lecturing about intermolecular interactions, Jackson was stuck on what Jaebum had said. Would it be too self-important of him to wonder if Mark had changed because of him?

 

It wasn’t until after lunch that Jackson was able to catch Mark on his path from the library to the classroom. He ran up, weaving through the crowds of people that separated him from Mark. He grabbed Mark’s arm in a rush, scaring the latter. 

“Mark! I need to talk to you,” Jackson said.

Mark lifted his brows. “What would you have to tell me?”

“You seem… different today. I mean, not like _different_ different, but these past few weeks, you had more color in you. Ah, well um… wait, I guess that doesn’t make sense, but stay with me here.”

“Okay?”

“I wanted to ask you what happened,” Jackson summed up.

“What? You can’t read my emotions and figure it out yourself?” 

“Not so loud!” Jackson hissed. He dragged Mark aside into a corner where they could talk with a bit more privacy, but Mark yanked his wrist back immediately. He crossed his arms over his chest.

“You know how I’m feeling so just piece it together already. Stop fucking shoving it in my face like that. If you want me—” Mark choked up, and his grayness turned dark. “Just forget it, and I’ll forget about it too.”

“Forget about what?” Jackson persisted. “If I want you to what? Can’t you tell me?”

“I don’t want you seeing my emotions anymore, Jackson,” Mark determined.

“But… it’s not really something I can control. It’s just a sense. It’s natural like seeing or hearing, but there’s no blindfold or earplugs I can use to tune it out. I can’t… I can’t stop it. I’ve tried.”

With the help of a therapist, Jackson had attempted countless meditation exercises to bring his emotions inward. He had never tried searching up a supernatural psychologist for fear of some secret corporation abducting him to experiment on him. However, he had gone in for MRI and PET scans under a supposed ‘basketball concussion’ to see if there was a defect in his brain that was causing all of this. All the doctors found was abnormally high activity in his amygdala and another bright pattern in his temporal lobe that they could not explain. Basically, they found nothing that would help Jackson suppress his sense. At this point, his only chance would be a lobotomy, but the adverse side effects of that type of procedure were immeasurable. 

“Well, then I guess I shouldn’t be around you,” Mark stated. 

Jackson attempted to prevent himself from reaching out to Mark’s emotions, but he couldn’t help it. Even closing your eyes, you can still see the brightness of sunlight turning your eyelids pink. What he found made his own chest ache. Mark’s emotions were riding on black, like the edges of burnt paper. Mark felt utterly betrayed because of him.

“Mark, please,” Jackson practically begged. “I really want to be with you though.”

“But not for the same reasons, right? That’s why you told me like this.”

Jackson looked at Mark in confusion. “Told you like what?”

“Fine, then just until I can settle my… feelings. Until then, I—” Mark’s voice cracked. His emotions flickered into a deep blue, reflecting the endlessness of the sea. Then, night fell like the drop of a curtain, and the waters turned to ink. “I can’t be near you.”

Mark stormed off before Jackson could stop him. In class, since he was unable to physically turn around to look at Mark, Jackson continually felt out for Mark’s emotions. He picked at the rim of his notebook as his heart twisted unpleasantly in his chest. He couldn’t understand what was going on. 

How had his plain-ass ability scared Mark away? Mark was so terrified of being read, but he was perhaps the biggest mystery in Jackson’s life. Jackson shivered at the chill that had sunk under his skin. He wanted Mark back desperately, but Mark would barely stay long enough to talk. Jackson stared at the dryness etching wrinkles into the palms of his hands, utterly helpless. Was the only solution to get rid of his ability?

 

 

Jackson had never felt so uncomfortable in his own body. Unable to reconcile with his biology, his hair was constantly on end because he couldn’t seem to warm up. His hands felt clammy, and his toes were frozen in his socks. This bland state of existence didn’t even include his sleep condition. During the times Jackson was able to find rest, he was recurrently woken by inexplicable nightmares. In the following mornings, Jackson would scavenge through his mom’s makeup for concealer to hide the sickness of his pallor. At school, he played up to his usual antics, pretending that everything was okay. He forced his eyes off of Mark’s back because he knew staring was not going to solve anything. 

However, each day, he spent a good amount of time nestled in Mark’s emotions anyway. It was getting to the point that he was beginning to hate himself as a result. How could he use the tool that Mark so hated against him? Yet, he still couldn’t figure why Mark was reacting so negatively to someone as simple as him. He wasn’t going to use Mark’s emotions against him. There was nothing he held as blackmail. He couldn’t grasp why Mark was avoiding him so absolutely.

When Saturday came around, Jackson recalled Mark’s promise to take him to the modeling set. The reminder from his calendar app was an extra slap to the face. He stared at his phone, wondering. There was not much else he could lose, so why not? Fuck it. 

[10:10] Jackson: Can I still watch you model today?  
[10:11] Jackson: Or is it not a good time

He had typed and retyped, but everything came out as a plead. He was speaking too close to his heart, and unforeseen emotions were crawling out like monsters in the night—unwanted. 

[11:25] Mark: Actually this might not be a good time…  
[11:25] Mark: Super busy around here. Don’t want you to get in the way

Jackson had waited patiently by his phone for over an hour to receive a text that sounded more lie than truth. He half wanted to throw his phone across the room so that he wouldn’t have to look at it anymore. Instead, he slammed the device against his desk, using his fist to break the fall. A slip of paper floated down from his top shelf. Jackson stared at the side of the fortune cookie with the lucky numbers and Learn Chinese section. He recalled the last time he had gotten cheap mall food court Chinese. It was almost three weeks ago. With Jaebum trying to encourage him, Jackson still hadn’t possessed much hope for attaining Mark. However, three weeks ago they had been in a much better place than they were now. Jackson flipped over the slip to reread his late fortune. 

_People are naturally attracted to you._

What a load of bullshit. If only it were that easy. If people as stunning as Mark could just fall into Jackson’s lap, then he wouldn’t have to deal with all of this drama. Even when Jackson worked hard, he was betrayed by his efforts. He had taken the initiative. He invited Mark into his family, told him his deepest secret. All he got in return was this. 

Jackson’s phone pinged, signaling that he had received a new email. Opening up the mail app, he waited for the new message to load. It was under his school account. Reading the subject line, he saw that it was an automated notice about the books that were about to be overdue. Scrolling down revealed that he had one book still checked out: _The Catcher in the Rye (1)_. Jackson glanced at where the red-orange novel sat neglected on the shelf above his desk with a pang of guilt. Staring at the familiar cover, all he could think about was Mark. Then he realized that Mark must have returned the book when they were not talking. Frowning, he wondered if Mark had thought about him when he took the trek to the library to push the book through the return slot. Or was Mark ignoring his very existence to the point that the book held no meaning of their shared time together? The time when they had built a friendship that Jackson thought would last for decades. So much for that.

Turning off his phone, he jumped back into bed. Clutching onto his covers like a life raft, he forced the tears out of his eyes. Yet, as always, some still slipped through the cracks. 

 

 

Could things get any worse?

Next Monday, when Jackson arrived at school, the classroom was abuzz with a sense of novelty. People were gossiping about something Jackson didn’t quite catch, but he wasn’t interested either. He had already heard enough shit from his teammates trying to tell Andy to move on from Jessica. In the end, he knew Andy wouldn’t listen and Jessica wouldn’t stop playing with him. 

Jackson plopped down into his seat, as ready as ever for another dreaded school week. The hours passed in monotony. However, before Jackson could fully commit to his resignation, Jooheon confronted him with the gossip at lunch. 

“Have you heard?” he asked. His emotions were a bundle of curiosity, disbelief, and sympathy. Jackson was too exhausted to decipher it all.

“Heard what?” Jackson responded numbly. He had set his earphones in for most of the day to drown out the noise. All he gathered from class were the sights and feelings that he couldn’t mute. That barely told him anything.

“It’s about Mark.”

“Jooh—,” Jaebum tried to warn.

However, that name was enough to catch all of Jackson’s attention. “What is it?” he demanded. 

He recalled how Mark had felt a little less gray today, but he couldn’t bear to wonder as to why that was. Wondering would lead to jealousy, and his emotions were already so broken at this point that it might just break him completely.

“Dude, calm down first,” Jooheon backed off.

“Tell me.” Jackson sat back in his chair and feigned taking a deep breath to ‘calm down.’

“Mark asked Jessica to Formal.”

Jackson choked on his sandwich. It was then that his heart fully shattered. Everything slammed into him like a truck, and his throat clogged with tears that he refused to shed. 

“What about Hani?” Jackson heard Jaebum ask. “I know from Yugyeom that they’re still going out, so…?” 

But Jackson didn’t have an answer to that. His ears had gone numb, and his skin prickled with residue energy that should have been inside his body. He didn’t know how to function anymore. His wires had snapped. It was there he got his answer. 

Yes, things could get worse.

 

 

Winter Formal was two weeks before finals. It was supposed to be the last chance to have fun before the real studying began. The halls were humming with who asked whom and what everyone was going to wear. Jackson had never cared for it personally. In the past years, he always went with the flow and asked a girl out. With a group of friends, they would pose for pictures and look pretty. This year, however, Jackson didn’t want to find a date. He didn’t even want to go to the dance. Although he normally spent a good few weeks preparing for the event, he hadn’t even considered it this time around.

Jaebum was right there by his side. He also didn’t seek out a girl, but he had a different reason. Jackson could see that easily from the pink vibes that emanated from both Jaebum and Jinyoung whenever they made eye contact or passed in the halls. Jaebum had won Jinyoung over. Jackson didn’t know when it had happened, and he wished he could have been a better friend to realize. 

On the other hand, here Jackson was, sitting at home alone, not talking to anyone. He had broken several of his streaks on Snapchat just on accident because he hardly opened the app to check. The nights were long as he tossed and turned because sleep was always so far out of reach. But Jackson covered all that up when he went out. He had already submitted his college applications, focusing mostly on the state school that offered him a scholarship for basketball. His GPA wasn’t awful and he figured he was a good student, but his parents were tight on cash and that was the best option at the moment. Back in class, he pretended he was still happy and cheerful when in reality he was sicker inside than he let on. 

Bambam saw through it in an instant, though. When they met up to grab lunch together, he practically commanded Jackson to go to that dance. He even suggested asking Felix to go with him as a date. Jackson blanched at that, saying that there was no way he could ask, that he’d feel awful for leading the boy on. Bambam insisted that it was fine and then kept insisting until Jackson finally agreed. Afterwards, Bambam took him shopping for the perfect suit. 

So there he was Saturday night. After the bright flashes from his mother’s camera, he had ushered Felix into the party bus where Jaebum, Jooheon, and a few other guys from the team were with their dates. Jaebum had ragged on him for bringing someone so much younger than him, but Jackson knew he was just worried about what he was getting himself into. However, Jackson tried to maintain the assurance that Bambam gave him. It was all he had left to place his trust in.

Initially, Jackson felt a little nervous being the only one with a male date, and he could feel the same pressure from Felix as well. However, as soon as the girls saw Felix, they were enamored by how cute he was. Then, when he began speaking, they all swooned at his accent. It no longer mattered that he went to a different school or was in a different grade, and Jackson was comforted by how swiftly Felix was able to assimilate into their group. 

They arrived at the venue and waited through the short line to check their tickets and guest passes to get in. The space was decorated with the standard fake snow and giant glittery snowflakes hanging from the ceiling. Jackson was instantly drawn to the colored lights of the dance floor. He let the energy flow into him, waking him up more than he had been for weeks. 

It didn’t matter how much time had passed. His sleep schedule was utterly wrecked after Mark’s presence left his bed. Recently, he had found that Mark’s scent didn’t linger on the pillow that he always used anymore. Hugging the plush clump of feathers no longer provided an echo of the comfort he sought. So while dressing up, he had taken another trip to his mother’s bathroom for the concealer. He had to hide the malady blooming on his skin. It was the only way he wouldn’t look like a zombie standing in a suit meant for a live man. 

Jackson pulled Felix along with him out of desperation, and the younger smiled widely at his perceived enthusiasm. They bobbed along to the music at the outer edges until someone Jackson knew pulled him into the middle. Of course, he took Felix with him. They were dancing close, packed in on all sides by people. Jackson grabbed onto Felix’s hips by instinct, and Felix stepped in closer, arms around Jackson’s shoulders. Jackson felt those dreaded pink clouds wafting from Felix, and he loosened his hold. He only felt downright guilty for inviting him without holding any true feelings. 

“Felix, I—,” Jackson began, eyes down. 

“What?” Felix shouted over the music. “I can’t hear you!”

So Jackson leaned into his ear so that they wouldn’t be yelling at each other over a crowd of people. 

“Felix, I don’t think we—,” Jackson started to repeat, but a sudden spike to his chest made his words falter and shrivel in his throat. His head fell onto Felix’s shoulder, and Felix caught him, voicing his sudden concern. But Jackson wasn’t hearing it. The music turned to a loud buzz that racked his body with vibrations that he was otherwise deaf to. All he could feel was the sting of tears in his eyes and the twisting of his chest. He gasped for breath, but even that was difficult. 

“Jackson! Jackson!”

Jackson faintly heard Felix calling his name, but it didn’t matter. He lifted his head, disregarding the face in front of him. He could place the emotions that gouged into his senses in an instant. Jackson knew exactly where he was and whom he was with. So it wasn’t fate that drew Jackson’s eyes up over Felix’s shoulder to stare directly at Mark while Jessica was trying to grind against him. Jackson bit at his lip, and a tear almost slipped out when Mark’s jealousy mixed into his own. 

“Jackson!”

He suddenly snapped back to Felix who had been calling his name for—. He didn’t know for how long. 

“Sorry, I must have spaced out,” Jackson said, rubbing at his forehead.

“I thought you were going to pass out!” Felix exclaimed. 

“No, I… Actually, I’m going to go get some water. You can stay here if you want.”

“No!” Felix blurted out. “I’ll come with you. I need to watch you just in case.”

Jackson didn’t have the heart to stop him, so he let Felix tag along as he left the main area toward the display of cookies and refreshments that was guarded by a security worker. He filled up a cup of water and downed it in one go.

“Is it me?” Felix asked timidly. “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

“No, it’s not that. You’re perfectly fine.” Jackson filled up another cup. 

“But you keep thinking about someone else. Am I right?”

Jackson shot him a startled look, surprised at being read so easily.

“Whenever you look at me, you aren’t really seeing me. It’s like you’re looking through me,” Felix explained. “Would it be better if I—?”

“No,” Jackson stated resolutely. He tried to smile. “I brought you here as my date, so I’ll show you a good time. You deserve that much for agreeing to put up with me for one night. I just need to take a breather before I go back.” He looked Felix up and down. “Don’t you feel sweaty? It’s so hot in the middle of that crowd.”

Felix smirked. “Nah, I love to dance.”

“Are you saying I can’t dance?” Jackson cried, mocking offense.

“No,” Felix countered cutely, drawing out the vowel. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Let’s compete then.” Jackson finished his water and threw the disposable cup into the trash.

“What? Where?”

“On the dance floor,” Jackson responded as if it were obvious.

They hopped back into the middle of the fray. When Felix started truly dancing, a ring automatically formed around him to give him space. He moved his body in ways that seemed inhuman. He swiveled one section of his body without moving the other; he popped with succinct accuracy and did the wave with amazing smoothness. 

Andy and Jaebum were suddenly at Jackson’s side, urging him into the center of the circle. Jackson wasn’t ready to lose so easily. He did his infamous sexy dance while people cheered around him. Jackson popped his hips toward the crowd at each beat, winding up to the finishing move that he learned from Yugyeom. Jaebum was pushing people back to give him space, and Jackson knew it was time. He jumped up into the air to land on his hands as he grinded down onto the ground. He gave it a few good beats, bathing in the whoops from the crowd. 

When Jackson stood back up, he stumbled toward the direction of his friends. Turning, he saw that Felix’s gaze on him was almost red. However, that was the last thing he saw before the lightheadedness took over and blackness consumed his vision. 

 

 

It was last weekend that Hani called Mark out for what she called their second to last date. They sat across from each other at a small circle table inside a coffee shop. Hani sipped at her drink without the grace she usually put on for sponsors or strangers. There was an awkward cloud hovering over their heads. No longer tied by passion, they reverted to the vague acquaintanceship that they had before they agreed to this peculiar relationship. 

“So how’s Jackson?” she brought up.

“How would I know?” Mark asked, offering more emotion than the standard ‘I don’t know’ he would have given in any normal circumstance. 

Instead of responding, Hani stared at him with that inspector gaze. Mark shuffled his feet under the table, as he could tell that she was trying to decipher him. 

“You know it freaks me out when you do that,” Mark said offhandedly.

“Why aren’t you two talking? I thought you’d be together by now.”

“He told you?” Mark practically yelled. Hani had to gesture for him to calm down, sneaking a glance to the lone barista at the counter who was staring at them strangely. 

“What? What did he tell me?” Hani asked.

“He must’ve known how I felt,” Mark spat, lips drawing into a thin line. “But he still rejected me just like that.”

“You think he told me how you felt about him?” Hani asked ambiguously, her fingernail idly drawing spirals into the napkin.

Mark bit his tongue before he accidentally revealed Jackson’s secret to Hani. Even if Mark refused to see him, he wasn’t going to betray his trust as he felt Jackson did to him. How could Jackson pretend everything was all right when Mark had hardly felt stable since he realized what the pounding of his heart was spelling out to him? That was completely unfair.

Mark had to admit that it began early on. In the time that he spent alone, he came to realize many aspects of their interactions that were blind to him previously. At first, it was just friendship. Mark sought acceptance from Jackson, as this invisible judge that towered over him. He felt like Jackson could see right through his layers and stare right into his core. He had never known how true that statement would become.

After Jackson had first kissed him on accident, a mishap when he was drunk, Mark was confused. He was perhaps even more confused to see him at the bowling alley the day after as if nothing was wrong. Jackson was practically linked with Bambam, and it was like their kiss had never happened. So Mark tried to forget about it. It was at the basketball courts hours later that Jackson called him out for being jealous, but Mark had never comprehended that the twisted feeling had indeed passed over his consciousness. Only, it wasn’t directed toward Hani at all, like Jackson had presumed. Maybe it was still envy over Jackson and Bambam’s friendship, a spark that arose at seeing how Bambam was able to sit in Jackson’s lap and lean all over him. However, the reality was that Mark had been alone and the emotion he felt toward Jackson at that moment was longing.

So was Jackson really so daft as to not figure it all out? With all the time that they spent together, the close quarters that they shared, there was no way Jackson would not be privy to Mark’s emotions, given the supposed ability that he said he had. Mark had been so blindsided by Jackson’s easygoing nature that he forgot the tendency of humans to keep the most crucial details to themselves. It’s a replication of the model of selfishness that can be applied to food resources, emotions, and secrets. Mark had seen it so clearly in his old friends from Mayflower after they abandoned him, so he should have learned. He _should have_ , but here was Jackson throwing everything he knew off balance. But weren’t they all the same in the end? Jackson had been playing around Mark’s feelings without telling him the truth. They were just friends, Mark knew that, and maybe if he had just gone out and told Jackson straight up, it would have been fine to be rejected wholesomely. However, how could Jackson touch him so freely, if he knew that it would only lead Mark on further down the path of no return? 

Mark had tried to get over it. But it was never that easy. He spent some nights scrolling through his list of potential flings, of hook up partners that he’s used in the past. He had kept communication to a minimum, as to not delve into anything as complicated as attachment. So every time, it was only that. Sex was a physical activity to resolve basic human needs. Mark didn’t stay afterwards to chat; he didn’t try anything new outside of a mix of different positions and ample foreplay. Yet, recently, as he looked through his list of names, conjuring the faces and bodies of his experiences, they did not appeal to him in the slightest. 

Only one face popped up in the mires of the night, glowing brighter than the full moon hanging outside his bedroom window. 

“Jackson…” Mark finally answered Hani’s question. “I’m sure he knew all this time, but he obviously couldn’t address it to me. I wouldn’t be surprised if he needed someone to talk to.” The words came out bitter. He scowled at his half-finished drink, displacing his frustration. It had lost its taste as soon as it entered his mouth. 

 

 

Jackson regained consciousness just seconds after he passed out, but he was startled to find himself supported from behind, stilted at an angle. Looking down, he saw arms around him. Jackson brushed the help off and stood up straight. He turned to thank the stranger who caught him only to be confronted by Mark. 

“Ah—um, uh… M-Mark,” Jackson scrambled for the words that had been in his head just a moment ago. “Thanks… thank you for catching me.”

“No, I just happened to be there,” Mark replied curtly.

Jackson scowled then. He squinted at Mark, confused. Something was missing. He studied the cold expression on Mark’s face with a lone pang in his chest. He heard the loud hush of people whispering about him. He tried to capture every detail about his experience to figure out why he abruptly felt such dysphoria. Yet, amid the murmurs that Jackson was trying to ignore, the emptiness that he felt could not be cured. 

Jaebum was there then, pulling Jackson away from Mark. Jackson let his feet be dragged along with the current. He stared back at the conflicted expression on Mark’s face, unable to do anything. Jaebum took Jackson to a quieter space down the hall. He sat him down at one of the vacant tables. 

“You look like you lost something,” Jaebum stated.

“I…” Jackson didn’t know what to say. Jaebum couldn’t be more accurate, but that still didn’t answer his question.

“You’re unwell, aren’t you? You’re pushing yourself again. I can see it in your eyes. They’re so bloodshot it’s scary,” Jaebum criticized like a parent. “When was the last time you had a good night’s rest?”

“I don’t know,” Jackson mumbled. “Probably before Thanksgiving.”

“Jackson, it’s been weeks since then. Why did you agree to come out tonight? Damn it, I’m really going to fucking kick Bambam’s ass. This is so irresponsible. That idiot, fucking twat, trying to get you to come out and setting you up with Felix. He’s not even here to watch you in case shit goes down.”

Jackson observed how Jaebum physically represented his anger with mild fascination. Jaebum was pacing the area like an angry father who didn’t know what to do with his misbehaving children. His hands were on his hips, and his jaw jutted out. The hunch of Jaebum’s back was familiar, but this emptiness inside Jackson was not. 

Then, just like that, it clicked. Jackson gasped. He pinched himself to make sure this was real. 

“What are you doing?” Jaebum asked, mid-pace. 

“I can’t feel anything anymore,” Jackson said in awe, a faint smile blooming on his face.

“Your skin is numb?”

“No, like, I can’t _feel_ anything anymore. I can’t feel your anger right now,” Jackson clarified. 

“I’m _not_ angry. I’m just—.”

“I know. I know, you’re frustrated,” Jackson rolled his eyes.

Jaebum decided to let it slide this time. “Is it because you passed out?”

“Or because I haven’t been sleeping? I don’t know. Doesn’t getting less than eight hours a night destroy your brain or something?”

“I don’t think it’s anything that drastic, but sure,” Jaebum responded. He studied Jackson’s face closer. “But why do you look so damn happy about your brain dying?”

“If I can’t feel his emotions,” Jackson formulated, “then maybe he’ll take me back!”

“Who?”

“Mark! He said that he couldn’t be around me if I was looking into his head, but now that I can’t… We can be friends again, right? Everything will be fine now!”

Jaebum pursed his lips at Jackson’s child-like logic. “Are you sure you want to be friends with someone who just cut you out like that?”

“What do you mean? It’s Mark…” To Jackson, that was the only answer required. Nothing made sense if it wasn’t him and Mark. Together, that’s what made him whole.

Jaebum clarified, “You were attracted to him because of his feelings. Now that you can’t feel that, will you still like him like you did before?”

“What? Of course I will. He’s still the same person. But that doesn’t really matter because it’s all one-side—.”

“No, you aren’t listening. What Mark keeps to himself is completely different from what he puts out. I know you haven’t noticed because you’ve been able to see both. But, now that you’re only seeing one side, I’m not sure it’ll be the same. From the outside, he’s extremely closed off.”

Jackson glared at Jaebum, inexplicably pissed off that he was saying such things about Mark. “Well, I won’t know until I try. You know, you were the exact fucking same so I don’t get why you’re saying all this now about Mark.”

Jackson stormed back to the dance. He didn’t care about the reasoning Jaebum was trying to push onto him. None of that was important. First, he had to get to Mark. That was all that mattered now. Jackson ran into Felix along the way, but he told him he had something to take care of first. This time, unable to feel, he was completely ignorant to Felix’s reaction. 

Back in the main hall, he scanned the room for Mark. He saw him in the corner, dancing in close contact with Jessica. Jackson’s heart burned. He cut through the crowd to reach them. He yanked Mark’s arm, pulling him out of Jessica’s embrace. He excused them before anyone could say anything and left Jessica standing there alone.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Mark shouted over the music. 

Jackson pulled them back through the crowd and out the double doors to the back garden of the building. Still, there were people milling around outside. So Jackson continued to the outskirts of the perimeter. He only stopped when they turned into a corner shrouded in darkness where no one was around. Ignoring his blaring jealousy, he decided there were bigger issues to address first. He spun around at Mark with a big smile.

“I can’t feel your emotions anymore! Or anyone’s really.”

“All of a sudden?” Mark stared at him skeptically.

“Yeah!”

Mark crossed his arms defensively. “So?” 

“So… so now we can hang out again, right? You won’t mind being around me anymore?” Jackson was beyond hopeful.

“This doesn’t change anything. You’re still aware of how I felt before. That…hasn’t changed either,” Mark gritted bitterly. “So until _that_ does change, I don’t want to see your face.” Mark turned to head back.

Jackson clambered around in his head to figure out what Mark was saying. What he felt before? When Mark was with his girlfriend, he felt content. When Mark recalled his past girl, the one who got away, the one who Jackson reminded him of, he felt pink. When he and Jackson were cuddled up together under the same blanket, Mark also felt pink. However, Jackson always supposed that it was a simple reaction to human connection that was overemphasized in his head by Mark’s importance to him. 

That was before. Recently, Mark was upset when he saw Jackson, and the darkness of his emotions was unnerving. The jealous feeling was something Jackson couldn’t explain, but perhaps it was a manifestation of his own projected emotions again. He didn’t have an answer to what Mark was presenting. The only reason that popped into his head couldn’t be true. It was too hopeful, too pure, to believe that Mark felt that way because of him. That Mark was pink with him there, black with him gone. All these peaks of emotion were too raw to be a reaction to a guy like him. It was just too good to be true.

“Wait!” Jackson grabbed Mark’s hand to stop him from leaving. “J-just because I can feel an emotion doesn’t necessarily mean I know where it’s coming from or why it happened.”

“Some things should just be common sense,” Mark cut in. Taking rightful ownership of his hand, he walked away without a look back. Mark still couldn’t believe what Jackson was doing, and now he was flaunting Felix in his face as well. Was he playing dumb or did he actually not know? 

“But people feel things inexplicably just because they happened to think of something!” Jackson shouted after him. “Just because I shared your emotions doesn’t mean that I knew what was going on in your head.”

Mark’s steps faltered. He stormed back to Jackson, stepping into his space. He threw an arm up, trapping Jackson against the wall behind him. Jackson gasped at the assertive action. 

“You _shared_ my feelings?” Mark demanded.

Jackson’s eyes widened. He never knew how much of a handicap it was to lose his sense. He couldn’t gauge the situation; he had no idea of where Mark was taking this. 

“I um— I think… generally? Yes? I felt what you felt,” Jackson answered, suddenly shy without his ability. He stared up at Mark with doe eyes. It was making his face flush to stand in such proximity to Mark. When Mark leaned in, though, eyelids falling in slow motion, Jackson turned his head down in alarm. 

“Do you or do you not?” Mark whispered into his exposed ear.

“Do I what?” Jackson popped his head back up.

Mark’s eyes fluttered shut, and he tilted toward Jackson’s mouth. Jackson held his breath as his brain flew to overdrive. What was Mark doing? Oh my god, he was going in for a kiss, wasn’t he? Oh shit. There was no other way to construe this. It wasn’t subtle at all. What was going on? Why was he—?

At first instinct, Jackson whipped his head away from Mark’s lips. Mark paused when his nose ran into Jackson’s hair. He opened his eyes and his arm fell away. Mark took a single step back, but Jackson felt the distance quadruple. 

“Wait, please!” Jackson said before Mark had the chance to run away. “What was that?”

“That night. Thanksgiving…” Mark wasn’t looking at him, but Jackson could hear the teary quality to his voice. He stepped forward and grabbed onto Mark’s wrist for extra security that he wasn’t going anywhere. Anchored to Jackson, Mark continued, “You wanted to know what I was thinking about. When you offered to tell me your secret in exchange… You get it now, don’t you?”

“I—,” Jackson stuttered. Was it finally safe to assume? However, there were so many factors against them. That hasn’t changed. With all the girls in Mark’s life, Jackson knew he shouldn’t get the wrong idea. Oh, but it was so appealing to believe Mark wanted him when it aligned with Jackson’s own fantasies. When Mark pressed him against the wall and Jackson promptly forgot how to breathe, it was so easy to just fall. But he couldn’t.

Jackson dropped his head when he spoke, “You asked Jessica to the dance. You are in a relationship with Hani. Why are you doing this?”

“Then what about last time?” Mark countered. “When we were drunk? In Jaebum’s bathroom, you weren’t asking these questions.”

“I thought you wanted to forget about it…” Jackson shook his head. He tried to look into Mark’s eyes to demonstrate his sincerity. “I slipped up. I shouldn’t have done that. You were so tempting that I… I’m sorry.”

“I was tempting?” Mark repeated. He finally looked up into Jackson’s eyes. There was confusion written there in Mark’s brown irises, as well as the spark of curiosity that lifted them in the first place.

Jackson rubbed the back of his neck clumsily. “Well, yeah. Have you seen yourself?”

Mark chewed at his pouted bottom lip. He looked up at Jackson sadly with his eyebrows scrunched. Jackson’s heart was breaking just to watch him like this. “Then why did you reject me?”

Jackson gathered his courage for his next words. It hurt him to say this, but he had to. He knew their realities were not the same. His thumb rubbed anxiously at the veins on Mark’s wrist. 

“Mark… What do you want from me? I can’t do something like this with someone already attached. No matter how meaningless this may seem to you, it’s not to me.”

Jackson felt Mark’s hand ball into a fist through the tightening tendons under his grip. 

Mark’s words were cold. “You said you could feel what I felt. You can’t tell what I want?”

“Well, no. I told you the reasoning behind people’s emotions isn’t always straightforward,” Jackson explained, not quite catching the shift in Mark’s mood. He took a deep breath before admitting, “And sometimes it’s hard to separate other people’s feelings from my own.”

Jackson looked up into Mark’s eyes and saw his own anticipation reflected in them. Mark’s next words were suspended on a breath. Jackson thought he saw time physically slow on the exhale of his confession. But he himself could not breathe.

“I like y—.”

“No, stop!” Jackson wildly interjected by slapping his free hand over Mark’s mouth. As soon as the action was done, Jackson froze, regretting the consequences. But his own morals dictated that he continue, “That’s not what I’m asking. Please! You’re in a relationship! You can’t say things like that.”

“I told you it’s an open relationship,” Mark mumbled through the hand over his mouth.

Jackson shook his head. His eyes squeezed shut like he was afraid to look at Mark. He dropped his hand from Mark’s mouth and clenched his fingers tight. He could only grab onto himself in the face of the crashing waves of conflict tearing into his chest. He firmed his resolve as the sole anchor that would keep him grounded.

“This isn’t fair to Hani, and you know it. Hell, this isn’t even fair to Jessica. I shouldn’t have dragged you out here like this. Never mind me asking what you wanted from me. We can’t do this.”

“But—.”

“I don’t want someone who can so easily leave a relationship for some third party homewrecker,” Jackson stated brazenly, “because how long will it be before you leave me for someone better? I’m sure there are lots of people that are more attractive and more charming than I am. How long will it be before you run from me too?”

Jackson released his hold on Mark’s wrist. His heart was aching with remorse, but this was the right thing to do. He couldn’t go around stealing other people’s boyfriends because that wasn’t fair. How could he do that to someone else? Of course, Hani didn’t seem to feel much of a commitment to Mark, and Jackson personally felt that Mark deserved someone who would love him more. But that also wasn’t his place to say. All he could do was stay out of the drama that should not concern him. 

“But if we both feel the same,” Mark cut in, stopping Jackson in his tracks. 

“How do you know how I feel?” Jackson countered. Mark didn’t have any response to that, as everything had been based on speculation from this one conflicting encounter. Even though Jackson had basically hinted his entire heart, Mark still hadn’t heard the words explicitly. “I’m going to go back and find my date, like I suggest you do too.”

Jackson left then, with an aching heart and tears begging to fall. He wouldn’t let his composure break though, not in this crowd of people he knew. Wanting Felix to enjoy his night out, he strengthened his resolve to maintain this mask. He found the boy alone at the snack table. Jackson took a deep breath and willed his mask not to crack. Grabbing Felix’s waist from behind, he spun him into his arms, inviting him back to the dance floor.

He saw Mark with Jessica periodically, but he refused to let his heart move because of it. When he saw Andy’s reaction from the sidelines, he told himself that he would not degrade himself to that level, that he would respect Mark’s choices without judgment. That, of course, did not last very long, and Jackson soon felt jealousy crawling its way back up his throat.

On the ride back home, Jackson refused to do anything racy with Felix, despite the heavy peer pressure from his friends. The girls were cooing at them, and his guy friends were busy searching for their stash of alcohol in the vehicle. Jaebum wasn’t with them, and Jackson wondered where he had gone off. He hadn’t seen him since he caught sight of him talking to Jinyoung, who was one of the volunteer chaperones of the dance, away from the masses of people. 

When they dropped Felix off, Jackson got out to walk him to his door. He let Felix kiss him on the cheek before saying good night. Jackson even smiled at the sweet gesture. The ride to his house was safe as well, as he had refused the invitation to the after party. Jackson pretended to give his remorseful farewells to his friends, saying he was too tired to stay up. They let him go easily, recalling how he had fainted earlier. Despite how Jackson seemed completely fine afterwards, they were good enough friends to value his health.

Jackson was fine up until the door of his house. Finally alone, reality came to crash down the walls he built to confine his emotions. It was during the trek up the stairs to his room that the tears began to pour. Jackson stripped off his dress clothes and mechanically hung it on hangers in his closet. His vision was thoroughly blurry when he dragged himself into the shower. He let the roar of the water drown out his sobs as he finally broke down. He had been so close and yet so far. It tore at him to turn Mark away, but there was nothing else he could do. Accepting Mark would be condoning infidelity. He wanted to fall in love with Mark, but not like this. Jackson had always heard that that was an awful way to start a relationship, and his connection to Mark was far more important than any of that romantic shit. However, everything was already ruined. He just wished he could have at least maintained the close friendship that they had blossomed together.

Out of the shower, Jackson saw that his eyes and nose were puffy from crying. However, that wouldn’t matter the next morning anyway. The lack of sleep was already taking its toll on his body. Suddenly having an idea, Jackson opened up his medicine cabinet. He searched the medicinal bottles for melatonin supplements. He downed the pills with water then headed to bed. For the first time, he was able to fall asleep easily. However, he woke up a few hours in at four in the morning, and the cycle of difficult sleep persisted. 

 

In all honesty, Mark wasn’t faring much better. Given how close they were, Mark thought Jackson would readily accept his kiss. Knowing Mark’s feelings, he believed Jackson would not have the heart to reject him. But he did. To his face, Mark was slapped with how much of a bastard he must seem in Jackson’s eyes. 

After dropping Jessica off at some party without doing anything, he drove back to his empty house. Rifling through his parents’ cellar, he found an open bottle of bourbon. He poured himself a glass and let the liquid burn his throat in the chill of the basement. Despite that, Mark still felt his hair rise along his arm, and the third of the bottle gone did nothing to make him feel better. Mark capped the bottle off and put it away. Stumbling back up the stairs, he grabbed a glass of water so that he wouldn’t feel like complete shit the next day. 

As he gulped down the clear fluid, he uncovered what had pushed him to drink that one night he hung out with Jackson’s friends and they kissed for the first time. It was the touchiness shared between Jackson and Felix, leaving Mark out, which made him seek a liquid companion to dull the loneliness. Now, here he was doing it again. It was an exact replica, and it still did not work. However, this time it was worse. Jackson was not here to take care of him, to walk him to the bathroom and kiss away the pain. Mark was utterly alone in this giant house that felt less like his home than Jackson’s room. 

Although he had been pushing Jackson away in fear of him reading his feelings, he now saw how ridiculous that notion was because all he wanted was Jackson by his side, whether he had his sense or not. Mark spotted the glint of his phone screen on the coffee table in the living room. He shuffled over, almost tripping on the edge of the rug. He dove for his phone, unlocking it with his fingerprint. When the lock screen opened up for him, he was momentarily lost in what he was going to do. He pressed the green phone app, then another tab, and then he waited with the phone to his ear. However, he hadn’t actually tapped that second button, and he was waiting for nothing. He took the receiver away from his ear and stared blankly at the darkened screen that had betrayed him. Angered, he threw his phone into the corner of the room and dropped onto the couch. Sitting there, the drowsiness overtook him, and he passed out in his wrinkled suit reeking of alcohol.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posted a long chapter bc i figured you all were waiting for a while~ Sadly, it still ended at this point... 
> 
> They've sort of switched positions. From Mark running away, to now Jackson pushing Mark away. But neither of them are truly happy with the outcome. At least they are both aware of each other's feelings to some extent. However, that did not amount to as much because they are forced to consider the context they are in (i.e. Mark's still "attached" and Jackson doesn't know it's not real).
> 
> Here's a lighter video that kind of parallels what ended up happening--but in a cuter way :(  
> https://www.instagram.com/p/BgyKKOdDgU-/?taken-by=caelestria_0904


	11. Fake

The next morning, Mark awoke to find a thin blanket wrapped around him. He peeled it off, confused. Someone must have come home and seen him sleeping there. Mark rubbed his eyes at the early morning sun shining in from the large bay windows of the family room. He stared down at himself as the memories of last night came back to haunt him. Instantly, the heaviness in his limbs and organs felt enormously apparent. 

Gripping the edge of the couch, Mark stood. He shouldn’t let this development faze him too much. He had never intended to fall for Jackson in the first place. So if he could just forget about it, everything would be fine. However, the image of Felix in Jackson’s arms as they slow danced was burned into Mark’s cornea. He was forced into an endless cycle of the same fucking video, replaying over and over again in his mind. He saw the intimate touch of their hands, the subtle turn of their hips. Every time, it singed a hole into his throat until he was choking on his own remorse.

Why couldn’t he be dancing with Jackson? That was the primary question that fought for attention in his crowded head. Yet, he knew he could only blame himself. He had been the first to ask someone else, even if Jessica had practically begged him by offering money. Mark had turned the cash down out of ethics but agreed anyway because he felt bad. 

Then to add onto that, he had also been avoiding Jackson like the plague ever since he told him his secret. It was not surprising that they never shared a slow dance, even platonically. It wasn’t fair, but Mark had been terrified of the extent of Jackson’s abilities. And then Mark had to go and shit all over that a second time. He had cut open his heart and let his emotions bleed over Jackson’s shoes. However, Jackson had only stood there as the red dried to brown. Dirt. 

Rationally, Mark could see where Jackson was coming from. Still, he didn’t like how everything seemed to rest on his shoulders. It was his responsibility to clear things up with Jackson about Hani, but the task seemed impossible when Hani was still depending on him to get Yugyeom. Standing there, chest carved open, it was nonetheless thoroughly embarrassing to be rejected in such a vulnerable state, to be told “no” when he strung his feelings on the line. But it was Mark who fucked up. He had to accept that as fact.

Mark showered and dressed in casual clothes. He thought to go out and do some grocery shopping to ease the heaviness in his body. His blood still felt toxic from the night before, and the best solution was to counterbalance the poison with real food. That was enough of a plan to get him through the day.

When he found his phone back in the living room, he saw that he had left a crack along the corner edge. Fucking shit. Mark unlocked his phone and saw that it was still on the list of his most recent calls. Jackson’s name was near the bottom of the list from their call the night before Thanksgiving. It was easily within reach of his thumb. Mark sighed in relief. He felt that if he really had called Jackson while he was drunker than he realized, he truly would have fucked everything over again. Third time’s the charm, but not in relationships. Mark wiped the nervous sweat that had accumulated on his palms on the denim of his jeans. 

Mark rummaged through the fridge to find an apple or anything. The last thing he had eaten was the sparse dinner he had alone before the dance. He figured putting some sort of a breakfast in his stomach would prevent him from passing out from hypoglycemia in the supermarket. Or, worse, on the road. 

From behind, Mark heard soft footsteps coming down the stairs. He whipped around in surprise, not expecting to have company. He saw his dad approaching him, his face unshaven. Mark tensed on instinct, dropping everything he was doing. The cool air blowing against his nape made his hair stand on end. 

“Good morning, dad.”

“You shouldn’t be drinking like that,” was the first thing his dad said, gesturing to where he must have seen Mark passed out on the couch. Mark hung his head, ashamed. “You know that alcohol will ruin your skin. How are you going to model then? No one’s going to hire you.”

Mark nodded wordlessly. He knew better than to protest. Standing in front of the camera wasn’t his dream. It was his father’s. However, his past efforts to refuse have proved to be fruitless. It was worse when he was almost expelled from Mayflower. His father had to use his connections to prevent a scandal, and Mark only felt like a burden. Afterwards, Mark no longer had the excuse of following a career as a theatrical technician either. In the end, his father had only regarded it as a hobby. 

“I won’t drink,” Mark swore.

“Good. Now, I’m going to be leaving for work soon. Did you need anything?”

“No,” Mark mumbled. “I’m going to go to the store to pick up food.”

His dad nodded approvingly. “That’s right. You can’t just eat those packaged noodles every night. The amount of salt in those things…” He shuddered.

“Uh, then I’m off,” Mark said, retreating awkwardly. He closed up the refrigerator, giving up on finding fruit.

In his car, Mark pulled out of the garage as quickly as possible. It never failed to be uncomfortable when he interacted with his dad. His sisters were better at it, but now they were off in college and he rarely saw them anymore. His younger brother was overseas with his long-term girlfriend and only in contact via telephone. Now Mark, the disappointment, was left to handle the filial relationship that could not be repaired. 

Mark focused in on the road, trying to forget it all. On the main street, he turned into the supermarket’s lot. Finding a parking space on a Sunday morning was surprisingly tough. Finally, Mark parked toward the back, and he walked the long route back toward the front doors of the store. He wandered around with a shopping cart, looking at the increasingly unappealing produce in the aisles. This always happened when he was stressed or his mind was otherwise completely preoccupied with some matter. He lost his appetite, and he couldn’t seem to find it again. Adding onto that, his stomach had been empty for so long that his nerves had grown numb.

Mark wheeled the cart into a corner too fast and almost ran someone over. When he realized, he jumped back, quick with an apology.

“Hey, sorry, are you okay?” Mark asked, rushing to the light-haired kid who was bowled over. 

“Yeah, fine,” he said, and Mark recognized that accent. “You barely grazed me—oh, Mark, yeah?”

“Uh, yeah. Hi, Felix.”

Mark was stunned to see him so soon after last night. He glanced from side to side then tried to nonchalantly peek behind the boy as well. He wondered if Felix was with someone, but nobody else was within sight. Satisfied, or maybe disappointed, he directed his gaze back to Felix.

“I came here with my mum, if you were wondering,” Felix answered Mark’s unasked question.

“You’re a good son,” Mark commented, a little sheepish to be read so easily. However, the events of last night were heavy on his mind. He couldn’t forget how good Felix had looked in Jackson’s arms. “Oh, I saw you at formal yesterday. Sorry I couldn’t say hi.”

Mark couldn’t remember what kind of face he had shown the younger under the flashing lights of the dance floor. He didn’t know much of his jealousy had shown. Nevertheless, currently, he was completely flustered to be caught under the fluorescent supermarket lighting. Everything was laid bare and wholly exposed. He feared that Felix could see his sallow complexion for what it was: sickness and decay. He could no longer camouflage with the color-tinted lights.

“Nah, it’s cool. You were with your date,” Felix brushed off. His eyes shifted down uncomfortably with his own words. 

Mark caught onto the action too fast. He unconsciously examined Felix’s face for any indication that would give away what happened after the dance ended. 

“What is it? Did something happen with Jackson?” 

“No, it’s just—. You like him don’t you?” Felix asked directly. The intensity of his gaze scared Mark, who took a step back. “I can see how your eyes get when you look at him. Even just now when you’re simply asking about him.”

“I can say the same to you,” Mark shot back immaturely.

“But at least I can admit it’s true. You keep staring at him like you won’t let anyone else have him, and yet you won’t do anything about it. It isn’t fair to the rest of us.”

“I have! He… he…” How could Mark admit that Jackson had already turned him down? A selfish part of him still wanted to prevent Felix from trying his hand.

Felix crossed his arms. “I don’t want to do this, but I play nice. It’s obvious how he feels about you. If you did something wrong, that’s on you. So if you don’t want him, then I do.”

Mark tensed. “Did you do something last night—?”

“Not telling~” Felix drawled. “But I may have the upper hand currently.”

Felix strolled away at that, and Mark was stunned by how someone so much younger could act so cunningly. The self-assurance in Felix’s actions gave nothing away. Mark couldn’t even discern if he was telling the truth. 

With a sigh, Mark unclenched where he had been holding onto the handlebar of his shopping cart. His fingers felt stiff. He realized he had to do something. Stress poured through him at the thought of a wick steadily burning down on their relationship. Everything would blow up in his face if he let Felix win. 

After seeing the alternative possibility before his eyes, Mark had to make a decision fast. Would he throw away his pride to chase after Jackson wholeheartedly? Jackson had other options. He could just as easily fall for Felix if Mark disappeared. 

Mark racked his head for a plan. He pulled out his phone, remembering that Jackson still had two debts stacked up for him. He sent Jackson a quick text before he could think better of it. As he stared at his screen in apprehension, it was almost scary how fast the ‘Delivered’ time stamp changed to ‘Read.’

[11:12] Mark: Remember how you still owe me a meal? For going to the basketball game  
[11:12] Jackson: Yeah

Mark stared at the single-word answer, contemplating for too long how he should respond.

[11:15] Mark: When are you free?

He figured that much shouldn’t be too imposing. Jackson could say that he was busy studying, an easy out. Or he could agree, if he actually wanted to see Mark. Then there was the third option: Jackson felt too responsible to what he owed, so he was only doing this to get it over with.

[11:15] Jackson: What about lunch right now?

Mark startled at the sudden reply. He almost dropped his phone on the freshly polished tiles of the produce section. 

[11:16] Mark: I’m grocery shopping right now. Can you cook?

Mark bit his lip. Was that too much? It was rather imposing on Jackson. Mark didn’t want to end up troubling Jackson in the process of attempting to mend the fissure between them.

[11:17] Jackson: Um kind of… 

Jackson continued by listing off ingredients for Mark to buy so that he could make something he actually knew. Mark didn’t bother replying, already on an unwavering journey to find everything. He needed to do this right.

[11:20] Jackson: Are you sure this counts? You’re still paying for everything.

[11:22] Mark: I’m sick of ordering out every night. This is fine

Although that wasn’t completely true, Mark hoped to ease Jackson’s internal conflict. He knew they needed to talk things out. Luring Jackson into his kitchen for a meal seemed like the best opportunity for a private conversation. Mark dug his nails into his palms. He just hoped everything would work out.

 

 

“Does it make you feel any better that I can’t feel you anymore?” Jackson asked suddenly.

Mark looked up from where he had been scrolling through his phone in surprise. As soon as Jackson had arrived at Mark’s empty house, he had shooed Mark out of the kitchen. So Mark sat by himself at the bar, looking on from a distance. After the idle silence where Mark could only stare at Jackson’s back as he worked, he decided it would be significantly less awkward if he did something on his phone. But Jackson was now striking up a conversation. 

“Yeah, I think so,” Mark said honestly, unable to read the mood.

“That’s good,” Jackson responded. He turned on the fire and poured some oil into the pan before adding the minced garlic. Immediately, the savory aroma filled the air, and Mark’s stomach growled audibly.

“You hungry?” Jackson asked.

“I didn’t have breakfast.”

“You look skinnier,” Jackson turned around to comment with a frown. “Have you not been eating well?”

“You look tired. Have you not been sleeping well?” Mark countered.

He met Jackson’s eyes as he turned to look Mark in the face. They stared at each other as the garlic began to burn. It sounded like a declaration of war—that would be if Mark’s heart weren’t swelling with longing for Jackson. Mark was so tempted to walk up to him, invade his designated sacred kitchen space, and embrace him. He wanted to shroud Jackson in his confused affection in the hopes that everything would distill and make sense later. 

“I haven’t,” Jackson gave. He turned away to continue his cooking. He placed the meat into the pan then returned to chopping vegetables. 

“I’m sorry,” Mark replied, not knowing what else to say. “I haven’t either. Eating, I mean. I haven’t been eating well.”

“Well then you better eat up today,” Jackson declared with his usual chipper tone. “I’m not leaving here until you finish everything on your plate.”

“Does that mean I have to stay with you until you fall asleep tonight?” Mark asked back, trying with all his might to keep any semblance of hope out of his voice.

“No,” Jackson stated without pause. “I’ve been taking melatonin so I’ll be fine.”

Jackson decided not to mention how it only worked to put him to sleep for a few hours. After a couple short sleep cycles, the restlessness returned and he was fully awake. 

Mark pursed his lips but didn’t respond. He turned back to his phone. He hid his scrunched brows behind his screen. He still felt unbelievably uneasy in his gut. This whole situation was giving him butterflies, but not in the good way. Mark didn’t feel giddy with love; he felt anxious with fear. What would he do when Jackson turned and walked back out that door? He couldn’t stand to be abandoned again. 

Then the thought of Jackson’s health reoccurred to him. 

“But you passed out at formal,” Mark stated. “You aren’t well.”

“I’m fine. I just got lightheaded.”

“That’s not fair,” Mark blatantly asserted. “If you get to worry about me, then I get to worry about you too. I’m staying over at your house tonight. No objections.”

“Mark… please,” Jackson said. “Don’t you have anything else to do?”

“No,” Mark shot back as if it were obvious. “I’m your friend. I ought to be there for you.”

“We should be studying for finals. They start the following week.”

“You can’t study if you don’t sleep. You can’t do well if you don’t study,” Mark reinstated. It made him nervous to be so forward without regard to Jackson’s opinion, but he was determined to carry through. He saw his own previous fear of Jackson’s ability in his next words now directed to Jackson. 

Mark continued nonetheless, “If you don’t want to… to be near me, then you have an air mattress, right? Let’s do this at least until finals are over. It’s only one week. Your grades are important for the team, right? And this semester still matters for college apps.” Mark saw Jackson hesitate at his logic and tried acting cute to make that extra push. “Come on, pretty please~?”

“Fine,” Jackson sighed. Mark’s eyes brightened. “No one’s using the air mattress so you can.”

“Oh,” Mark’s expression fell. “Right. I don’t mind.” He did mind.

Jackson dumped the baskets of vegetables into a second pan, and the sound of sizzling oil filled the deaf space between them. They had nothing to say for the rest of the time that Jackson was cooking. Mark was thankful for how loud everything else was. It drowned out their silence and made everything feel less awkward. 

Mark drummed his fingers against the table, trying to think of something to talk about. He didn’t understand how they used to talk so much. It had felt so easy before. Words used to just pour out between them, and the jokes followed like fish in the current. However, he knew that Jackson was the main motivator for most of that conversation. Now that Jackson was estranged from him, there was a clear discrepancy from how they used to be.

He just hoped it wasn’t too late to fix everything.

“Get out of your head,” Jackson said, suddenly in front of him. He plopped down two dishes in front of him on the bar. Then he hopped up on the neighboring stool to sit beside Mark. “If you keep frowning, you’re going to get wrinkles here.”

Jackson reached forward with his thumb to rub out the tension between Mark’s eyebrows. Mark only tensed more at the sudden physical contact.

“How would you model then?” Jackson continued, ignoring how Mark flinched at his touch. However, he didn’t know that Mark had reacted most at his words that echoed the criticism of his father just hours prior. 

Mark bit at his lips. “Sorry, I couldn’t let you in to see that,” he said, referring to when he had to rescind his invitation to Jackson to watch him at work. 

When his father had chosen to attend that day, some part of him hadn’t wanted to let his dad meet Jackson. He didn’t want to expose Jackson to the scourge inflicted upon his life. Mark knew he wasn’t truly content standing in front of the camera like a poster boy, and he was afraid to show that side of himself to Jackson. Yet, the worst apprehension was deeper. He did not want to allow Jackson to read that discontent right off of his emotions. He could not be exposed for being as fake as the people he despised. But even without that fear, in the end, it was his father’s call, as always. 

“It’s okay. I understand why you lied.”

“I didn’t lie!” Mark shot up, offended. “My dad suddenly declared it a closed set because it’s such a god damn rarity that I stand in front of the camera for a change.”

That was the truth. Although he had personally held a lot of reservation, the turn of events had been happenstance. His dad had barged in on the set, standing over by the door. His shadow loomed over all, a guardian or a gargoyle. Mark had been beyond tense, but the staff was worse. They had closed all the doors, locking even the interns out.

“So then are you saying that all of you avoiding me was in my head?” Jackson persisted, and he had seen right into Mark’s hesitance.

“No,” he admitted. “That part was true.” 

Mark looked down at the untouched food steaming before them. Jackson had spent so much time cooking for Mark. He couldn’t let his efforts go to waste. Mark jumped down to get plates and utensils from the cabinet. When he came back, Jackson was solemn. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to bring that up,” Jackson said.

“We’d have to talk about it at some point,” Mark reasoned.

“I’m glad you’re talking to me now.”

“I have to. Otherwise, you’d really leave me.” Mark grew sensitive.

“Aren’t you the one leaving me?”

“Look at you. You have so many people after you, and you just don’t see it.” Mark stared at Jackson, wanting to reach out to touch the back of his hand where it lay on the tabletop. Felix was right. Mark wanted to hold that hand in front of everyone just to claim him as his own, so that no one else could have him. However, he was too terrified to make such a bold move.

Jackson paused. Holding his fork without stabbing it into anything, he said in a rush, “That’s because the only one I want is you.”

Mark threw Jackson a startled look. He was lost for words with the sudden confession. His head was reeling for a response, but just as quickly, Jackson tossed away the mood.

“Hurry. Let’s eat. Everything’s getting cold,” he said.

Mark answered by picking up his fork and digging into the food. When the taste hit his tongue, he was actually surprised by the flavor and texture. After days of eating take out that had sat in the box for too long, this was absolutely delicious. He voiced his opinion as well.

“This is so good,” Mark said, eyes closing slowly in response to the taste. “I’m glad I made you cook for me.”

“These are like the only two dishes I know how to make,” Jackson replied humbly. “This, and eggs.”

Mark chewed then swallowed. When he reopened his eyes, Jackson’s gaze was solely on him. Mark gasped, almost choking. He turned away, embarrassed, and Jackson followed. He heard Jackson cough to cover for the discomfiture.

They made idle conversation for the rest of the hour together. It was therapeutic to talk about lighter topics instead. Mark didn’t realize how much he would miss just talking since that was something he hardly ever did before befriending Jackson. Their time apart had left him bursting but unable to release the tension. No one else gave him the time to speak like this. Despite the motor installed in Jackson’s mouth, he was surprisingly attentive to Mark’s side of the conversation. 

“I haven’t seen you talk so much,” Jackson commented. After washing the dishes, they sat on the couch, each with a bowl of ice cream.

“I missed this,” Mark said softly. His feet were pulled up onto the couch, his toes pointed at Jackson. “You know, talking like this.”

“You don’t have anyone else to talk to? What about Youngjae?” Jackson offered. “You game with him, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but we don’t talk during it. Not really. Not like this. It’s mostly a lot of cursing, I guess.”

“Hani, then?” Jackson held his breath.

“No, we haven’t met up in a while.”

“I’m happy to keep you company then,” Jackson responded politely. Then he tilted his head. “If you won’t run away from me anymore.”

“Then we’d have to both stop running away,” Mark returned.

“Mark, you know I can’t do anything about that,” Jackson said seriously. The drop in mood was palpable.

“You can though,” Mark insisted. He was blushing just thinking back to how Jackson had told him that he was the only one he wanted. That wasn’t anything to brush over. “You already said it yourself this time. So now I do know, yeah? About how you feel?”

Jackson averted his eyes. “Then what about you asking Jessica out?”

“She pretty much begged me to ask her to the dance. I think it had something to do with Andy. I didn’t really ask. I didn’t care to do anything with her.”

“You just agreed to it like it was nothing?” Jackson asked.

“You asked Felix,” Mark shot back. His eyes were hard. He could still see Felix’s smile from that morning. The memory was too fresh, too raw.

“Bambam asked me to. He didn’t want me moping around at home,” Jackson explained quickly. Mark’s heart weakened at how Jackson rushed to comfort him, but then he continued, “You know, since you had already asked someone else.”

Mark flinched. “Anyway, I wasn’t going to ask Hani to the dance.”

“Huh…” Jackson huffed.

“What?”

“Well, she is your girlfriend. Doesn’t that mean anything?” Jackson stared at him skeptically. Then, they were taking another step back.

“Jackson, I told you it’s not really like that.”

“Then what is it like?”

Mark bit his lip, wondering if he should really spill this when he knew Jackson and Yugyeom were so close. Although Jackson had trusted him enough with his own secret, this was Hani’s secret to share. Mark didn’t have the right. 

“Well what about you?” Mark evaded. “What’s up with you and Felix now?”

“Nothing’s up.”

“You know I saw him at the supermarket today.” Mark pressed. “He said that he felt that he got a lot closer to you last night.” Mark couldn’t admit that he was desperate for answers, but he was basically spelling it out to Jackson. He needed to know what happened between them after the dance.

“I guess?” Jackson responded half-heartedly.

“What do you think about him? You did ask him out.”

“He’s a nice kid. So what?”

“You two didn’t do anything?”

“What? No!” Jackson exclaimed. “Not everyone is like you, Mark.”

Mark dropped his spoon into his finished bowl. He set it down on the coffee table before whirling on Jackson. 

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“You aren’t exactly monogamous to your feelings,” Jackson sulked. When Mark looked like he was about to protest, Jackson interrupted, “Hani, Jessica, and the countless other girls you’ve hooked up with. Oh, don’t look at me like that. It’s true. I’ve had to stand on the sidelines and watch all of that alone.”

“It’s not like it’s been easy for me either! You’re so damn close with Jaebum. That first night I saw you out at the party, it was not _nothing_ the way you stared at and touched him. Then Bambam was all fucking over you at the bowling alley. Now you have Felix vying for you. What chance do I stand?”

“But they’re just friends. They’ve only ever been friends,” Jackson brushed away his argument. “I’ve never had sex with them.”

“Okay, but the sex never meant shit.”

“How can you say that?” Jackson startled at how easily Mark shed the sanctity of such an intimate act. In contrast to Jackson’s fear of falling too deep, here was Mark ignoring any sentiment that would have been attached to the deed. It was as if Mark was denying his reality. They stood at two opposite ends of the spectrum, light years apart. How could they meet at the middle?

“It was the girls… They just never meant anything to me. I was the same to them. It was just a… transaction, I guess.”

Jackson’s argument faltered at the tender tone to Mark’s voice. “Because you weren’t in love with any of them?” he asked, but it wasn’t really a question. He continued, “But it doesn’t matter. You aren’t even into guys.”

“I… I wasn’t, but—.”

“Can you even do it?” Jackson bit. “Could you break up with your girlfriend to date a guy?”

“In a heartbeat,” Mark blurted out. He wasn’t going to back down now. “Just because I never knew that about myself, doesn’t mean that I’m not open to trying.”

“You would break up with your girlfriend to _try_?” Jackson emphasized. 

“For you, yes,” Mark said sincerely. “I’d want to do more than try.”

However, Jackson didn’t want to buy it. He didn’t want to risk being taken for a fool. 

“I told you, didn’t I?” Jackson gritted out. “That if you could leave her so easily for someone like me, it would be a split second before your eyes are averting again.”

“I don’t love her!” Mark finally broke. He didn’t mean to, but he just had to get the words out. After seeing Jackson walk away once, he couldn’t let that happen a second time. The imminent possibility of losing Jackson over the course of finals and winter break was too real. “I don’t even like her like that at all. Since the beginning, I never did.”

“What?” Jackson asked, stunned by the outburst.

“It’s all fake,” Mark sighed. “None of it is real. It was just a stupid plan so that Hani could get together with Yugyeom and so my parents would stop sending me on blind dates.”

When Jackson didn’t say anything, Mark felt the need to continue.

“I know I told you that I hated phonies like Holden in that stupid fucking book, but I’m probably the worst.”

“You aren’t the worst,” Jackson reassured on instinct, but his words were monotone.

“No, I had to lie to you all this time. It fucking sucked. I had drawn up this whole act in front of everyone to create some ridiculous image for my own gain. But now everything’s backfiring. Now you’re saying you don’t want to be with me because of it, and I still didn’t want to tell you the truth to protect Hani’s secret.” Mark took a shuddering breath. “But if you really think that I liked her, I need you to know that isn’t true.”

“Not because of that. You can love whomever you want, but I would never get in the middle of your relationship. Or anyone’s. I couldn’t hurt someone like that.”

“So you would rather sacrifice your own feelings?”

“Well, it’s me. I’d be feeling their feelings too. It wouldn’t be a win-win situation either way,” Jackson smiled bitterly.

“Selfishly selfless,” Mark chewed on his bottom lip. “But you really can’t feel anything anymore?”

Jackson shook his head. He set his empty bowl down beside Mark’s on the coffee table then drew his legs up onto the couch as well. They sat facing each other. “It’s only me inside my head now.”

“Is it since you passed out?”

“Yeah, I think it’s sleep deprivation,” Jackson self-diagnosed. “That’s why I’m saying you don’t have to sleep over. We’ll be better off if it doesn’t come back anyway.”

“Doesn’t that mean I have to sleep with you more?” Mark almost shouted in his concern. “If the lack of sleep is so bad that it’s hampering your, uh, your ability thing, isn’t that really fucking bad? Who knows what else it’s doing to your focus or memory or— fuck.” Mark ran out of examples to spit out.

Jackson shrugged. “If that’s what it takes to make you stay with me.”

“But you know everything now,” Mark murmured. He looked up at Jackson shyly. “We both know. So I wouldn’t mind if you could see my emotions again—if that means your health.”

“Feel, not see,” Jackson corrected.

Mark didn’t quite discern the difference, but he nodded along anyway. “It was all stupid anyway, the reasons I was trying to hide from you.”

“We were both dumb.” Jackson thought he was probably the worst. He had mistaken Mark’s feelings for his own due to the sheer strength of them all. If he had been shrewd enough to discern the difference, maybe this whole ordeal wouldn’t have happened in the first place. But then again, emotions were so abstract; he had no measurement or scale to tell him the answer.

“What are we going to do now?” Jackson asked.

Mark’s eyes drifted to the clock on the microwave in the kitchen. He scrambled to his feet in alarm. “Oh, my god. I was going to start studying today.” He glanced back at how Jackson was shocked by the sudden change in atmosphere. “Wait, shit, sorry. That wasn’t— I mean—.”

“Come to my house,” Jackson declared, smiling. “We’re taking basically all the same classes so we can study together. My mom can make dinner for the both of us too. Then you can sleep over like you wanted to.”

That was a plan of action that Mark could readily agree to.

Mark packed up all of his textbooks and notes in his backpack. Jackson left his bike at Mark’s house, and the two rode in Mark’s car to his house. The car ride was more pleasant than Mark expected, but he had been overly anxious since that morning when he ran into Felix. He didn’t realize the amount of good that a full stomach of food could do. However, the biggest impact was most likely the boy sitting in his passenger seat. Now that they were on the same page, Mark felt like the over two weeks of miscommunication was finally washed over. It was a clean slate, and that was exactly what Mark wanted. 

“You know,” Mark said, leaning his head back against the seat to look at Jackson comfortably, “there’s still one more thing you owe me for winning at basketball.”

“What is that?” Jackson asked, sensing the lilting tone in Mark’s voice.

“I haven’t decided yet.”

Jackson’s eyes were strictly on the road. Otherwise, he would have seen the dark consideration that took over Mark’s irises as he stared at Jackson unabashedly.

 

 

They ended the night freshly showered and stuffed from dinner. They were lying on their backs on Jackson’s bed.

“I can’t study anymore,” Jackson announced.

“I can tell,” Mark rolled over onto his stomach so that he could peer over Jackson’s face. He brushed over the dark smudges under Jackson’s eyes. “They were bad before, but they’re worse now. Is it insomnia?”

“Yeah, it was worse when I was a kid. I’d always have to sleep with my parents at night. I thought I’d grown out of it, but it’s been bad recently…”

“Since the time we slept together?” Mark ventured timidly. 

Jackson smiled crookedly. He nodded. “I told you I needed you.”

Mark slapped Jackson’s chest for being cheesy, but he couldn’t take that look on Jackson’s face anymore. He lay down, resting his head over where he had just hit. Jackson’s arms came up to wrap securely around his shoulders. 

“Let’s go to bed,” Jackson suggested.

“We are in bed,” Mark mumbled. He was so comfortable in Jackson’s warmth, back inside his sheets. He hadn’t known, until the comfort was no longer freely available, that he would miss it so much. He had spent many late nights playing games just to exhaust himself to the point that he wouldn’t have to think about it. Sometimes, in the process, he forgot to eat. Really, Jackson was not the only one overexerting himself.

“I have to get up, you know,” Jackson said, amused tone in his voice. “To get the air mattress.”

Mark shot up at that. He supported himself on his elbows, suspended over Jackson. Conflict scrunched his brows together. He was pouting despite himself.

“Do I have to sleep on an air mattress?”

“I can instead,” Jackson offered, “if you want the bed. It’s just until finals end anyway.”

“No… I mean, like, can’t we… together?” Mark muttered.

Jackson sighed, shifting his gaze away from Mark. He went so far as to physically turn his head so that their mouths were not in close proximity.

“You know I can’t sleep by you. I’ll just be tempted again,” he muttered the last part, a repetition of what he had told Mark last night. 

However, Mark didn’t understand why they had to hold back like this. Wasn’t this mutual desire supposed to be a good thing? Mark stared down at the fan of eyelashes that dusted Jackson’s cheeks every time he blinked nervously. Although he did not have Jackson’s ability, he felt that same anxiety. He licked his lips before speaking. 

“Then be tempted.”

Jackson’s eyes shot back to Mark in surprise, but Mark’s expression did not waver. However, ultimately, neither did Jackson’s. 

“I know you said your relationship was fake, but I just can’t. On the surface, you and Hani are still together. No matter how you feel, the reality is that you two are a couple. I’m just a third wheel.”

Mark pouted. “But what about back when we slept together. I was still in a relationship then.”

“And we were _only_ friends then.”

Mark’s eyes widened at Jackson’s implications. “And now?”

Jackson paused before letting out a resigned exhale, “I don’t know.”

“But what if sleeping separately still doesn’t help you? I can… What if I…” Mark’s tongue shot out to wet his lips. Could he do it? That’s what Jackson had challenged him with this afternoon. The answer was yes. “What if I call Hani right now to end everything?”

“It’s almost midnight!” Jackson noted incredulously.

“I’ll leave a message if she doesn’t answer. Jackson, it’s for your health. Please.”

“Fine, fine,” Jackson gave in. “Don’t call. Just let me get up so I can go to the bathroom.”

Mark sat up, letting Jackson slide off the bed. He watched Jackson’s muscled back through his slightly transparent white shirt. The arousal that shot through him was dangerous. Mark squeezed his eyes shut, willing his mind away from anything dirty. He had never considered a guy in this light before, and it was scary, if not a little thrilling as well. 

Since he had discovered his feelings, he had done some research online out of wishful thinking only to shut down the tab in horror. Watching the amateur videos, and even some professional videos, he was startled to see how much pain the bottom was in, how many could not even get hard. Mark did not know what he would do if events turned to that, but he did at least want to kiss Jackson again. He knew that wholeheartedly. 

Jackson came back, frightening Mark out of his thoughts. His face turned to idle amusement when he saw how startled Mark looked.

“What were you thinking about?” he laughed. “Your face is so red.”

“Nothing,” Mark mumbled.

But Jackson was nothing if not persistent. He ran over to the bed, getting right into Mark’s face. “Come on. You can’t tell me? It’s gotta be good.”

Mark turned his head to the side before answering, “You.”

That was straightforward enough to catch Jackson off guard. “O-oh.” Jackson sat down next to Mark. “What about me?”

“Kissing you,” Mark admitted. “Doing… more.” Was it childish of him to wish that speaking the words aloud would make the action come true?

Jackson leaned away. “I’m sorry.”

Mark looked up. His immediate expression was crushed by disappointment. However, he quickly washed that over with apology. It was foolish of him to believe otherwise. “No, I shouldn’t be thinking like that.”

“I just can’t,” Jackson said humorlessly.

“Even kissing? That’s off limits too?” Mark tried, maintaining his statement as a scientific question. He kept his face passive to prevent any emotion from slipping through the cracks. He could have been asking if rain was on the forecast for tomorrow. As awful as it was, it did put his mind at ease that Jackson couldn’t sense his disappointment. The relief was childish and petty, but it was the truth. 

“Let’s go to sleep,” Jackson said, avoiding the question.

“I understand.” Mark folded his hands in his lap.

“I’m going to turn off the light now.”

Mark got into Jackson’s covers. He hugged the edge until he was barely occupying any space on the mattress. He turned away from Jackson, not even turning back when he returned to the bed. Mark had the option of using the bet against Jackson, but that would have been so immoral. There was no way. He could never force Jackson into something just for the sake of his ego. 

Yet, he was still hurt. Jackson had said that he was tempted by him, but that said nothing of what Mark was feeling for him in return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mark tried really hard to still keep Hani's relationship a secret, but he realized that, in the end, Jackson is much more important to him. Thus, they would have to learn to trust each other before anything can work.
> 
> But omg Jackson cooking for Mark. Here's a little video of Jackson taking care of Mark during A promotions :p
> 
> https://www.instagram.com/p/BhaOxyTB-Dn/?taken-by=caelestria_0904


	12. Fight

The school days continued through mindlessly, and then suddenly it was Friday and the consequently last day of the semester. Everything had passed by in a blur because they were all so brain-dead from studying for six exams. Mark sat in English class, silently tapping his pencil against his desk. Having finished the exam, he had nothing to do. He stared around the room, watching the people who had yet to finish. 

Ten minutes later, Jackson stood up, catching Mark’s attention. He walked to the front of the class to hand in his test. When he turned around, his eyes automatically moved to find Mark, and he caught Mark staring right back. Mark got shy first, turning to look out the window. He tried to pretend that his eyes weren’t magnetized for Jackson’s form. 

After this exam, they had a good forty-minute break for food before the next testing session. Then it was the end of the day. Mark was excited, but at the same time, he didn’t know where to return home. That bore his mood down more than winter break could lift it. 

The end of finals was their deadline. It marked the close of Mark’s express permission to sleep over in Jackson’s bed. Today was the day that everything was supposed to end. Today, they were supposed to appear perfectly healthy and part their separate ways.

Mark no longer knew where he and Jackson stood. Their week together was surprisingly constructive for their health. Jackson’s gradually complexion cleared, and he looked less tired even though it was heavy testing season. That comforted Mark. It made him feel like he was doing something for Jackson, that their relationship wasn’t totally one-sided. Simultaneously, Jackson was making sure Mark ate all his meals. Soon, even Mark was developing a bit of fat on his belly. 

However, that was as far as their progress took them. Each night, they slept a good foot apart like an estranged couple on the brink of divorce. It pained Mark, but he didn’t dare push it because he knew the distance was his fault. Simultaneously, Jackson had to try so hard to clog his needs that were aching to just burst out. Though they looked better on the surface, the anxiety between them had not faded. Instead, it had gotten worse. They were so close but unable to touch. The tension left them both on edge. Based on his past, Mark was perhaps teetering a little worse than Jackson. But who really knew the truth?

Class ended with Mark trying to avoid Jackson’s gaze and Jackson physically turning so that he could keep Mark within his field of vision. It was totally obvious, but Jackson didn’t care. Mark looked so pretty in his seat by the window. The sunlight glinted off the gold tones in Mark’s brown hair. It tilted off his nose, casting defined shadows across his face. Really, Jackson had it bad.

The bell rang, and Jackson stood from his seat robotically. Jooheon was grabbing him, yanking him out of the classroom, saying words that Jackson wasn’t bothering to decipher. He was staring at Mark, trying to wordlessly communicate with him. The mass flurry of action did seem to catch Mark’s attention, and he glanced over to see Jackson being dragged away. Maybe he would have normally felt left behind. However, Jackson was waving his arms wildly, indicating for him to follow. 

Mark was quick on the uptake. He grabbed all his stuff and ran after Jackson. Jackson, by this point, had wrestled out of Jooheon’s chokehold. He greeted Mark with a too-happy smile.

“What’s going on?” Jackson asked Jooheon, swinging an arm around Mark’s shoulders to make sure he followed.

“Jaebum said some of the guys brought water guns,” Jooheon said deviously. “You know what that means.”

Jackson’s smile reflected Jooheon’s, and Mark looked been the two in confusion. He didn’t know what that meant, but the look on Jackson’s face told him that it would be fun. So Mark tagged along, bounding after Jackson as they exited to the school’s courtyard by the cafeteria. He spotted Jaebum waiting for them by the gym doors across the way. There were some guys that Mark wasn’t familiar with there as well. 

Once they were only a fair distance away, Jackson waved at them.

“Hey!” Jackson called out.

Jaebum responded by pulling out a water gun he had concealed behind his pant leg, cocking it, and aiming straight at Jackson. All before Jackson could register what was happening, Jaebum was shooting a straight stream of water directly in line of Jackson. Jackson reacted when the cold sensation pierced his skin. The wind blew up a Californian winter 60-degree breeze, and Jackson felt every bit of freezing wetness dripping down his front. He uttered something that sounded like a squeal and released his hold on Mark to rocket off after Jaebum. 

Jackson grabbed his metal water bottle from his backpack and threw the rest of the bag away onto the grass. He chased after Jaebum who immediately sprinted away. But Jackson was faster. Uncapping his water bottle as he ran, he threw its contents in Jaebum’s direction, soaking his shoulder. Jaebum yelled angrily, whipping around to shoot Jackson directly in the chest. Jackson chased after Jaebum with renewed vigor, this time trying to yank that gun out of his hands. 

Jackson had his arms around Jaebum’s torso when he felt the second stream of water hit his back. Startled, he released Jaebum and turned around to see Mark smiling at him cheekily with a spare water gun in his hands. His tongue was bitten between his teeth, and Jackson would’ve been upset if Mark weren’t so freaking cute.

“Okay, ganging up on me,” Jackson said. “I see how it is, but can’t you give a guy a fair shot?”

“Heads up!” Jooheon shouted at Jackson, tossing a water gun at him. Jackson caught it easily. 

Jackson spun around, aiming it at Jaebum, but he was long gone, running after the other guys. He looked over his shoulder, and Mark was the only one standing there with him. Their space shrank around them. Jackson turned slowly.

“I guess it’s just you and me,” Jackson said. “Duel?”

Mark cocked his head in confusion, but Jackson was already counting down “Three, two, one.” On one, Mark caught up. He drew his gun, but Jackson was faster, having known the game. Jackson’s blast of water shot straight at Mark’s chest, making him stumble backwards in surprise. However, Mark’s initial shock was over in a second, and he was chasing after Jackson, shooting spurts of water in an attempt to soak him. 

It was a general free for all, with consistent backstabbing whenever someone went to refill at the drinking taps. The winter chill only made them play that much harder to take revenge on those who shot them. It was cold, but their cheeks were rosy with the effort. At some point, Jaebum tried organizing teams, but there was no way to keep score and they kept shooting each other by mistake. Thus it all devolved into a chaotic mess again in the end. Entropy. 

Suddenly, someone yelled, “Teacher!” and everything stopped. 

Mark froze like a deer in headlights, unsure of what do to. He couldn’t hide the wetness of his clothes. He couldn’t conceal the toy weapon in his hands. If a teacher caught them now, they would be sent straight to detention, and it was the last fucking day of the semester. But then Jackson was there, dragging him by his free hand. The other guys quickly collected all the water guns into a giant trash bag, and one of them threw it over the school fence. As soon as Jackson could ensure that they were all safe, he grabbed his and Mark’s backpacks and took off running, still holding Mark’s hand. He took them down into the gym locker rooms for basketball players.

The smell hit Mark first. They collided into the metal lockers with the sheer momentum from running so fast. Mark leaned his head back and hit it against the frame, but he was panting too much to care. He hadn’t felt so much adrenaline in his system in ages. He opened his eyes slowly and caught Jackson staring at him with a look of pure awe. 

Really, Jackson could not stop looking. The Mark, who looked like an angel sitting by the classroom window and acting the model student, was in front of him soaked and out of breath. He looked everything like a fallen angel, and he was utterly beautiful. His hair was dripping in parts, some strands stuck to his skin. His lips and the tip of his nose were flushed pink from the cold. Then there was his shirt. The white material was totally translucent and glued to his torso in patches. Mark clearly did not wear an undershirt beneath his uniform. Jackson could see the tone of his skin and the pinkish nubs of his nipples poking through from the cold. He wanted to squeal; Mark’s nipples were so pretty, it was unbelievable. Although he had seen Mark shirtless many times, it was strangely more appealing to only be given a hint of what was lying underneath.

“Jackson, my eyes are up here,” Mark said lightly. 

“Sorry!” Jackson blushed. He couldn’t even excuse where he had been staring. 

Mark’s arms came up to cross over his chest protectively. Jackson noticed a small tremble in the action and the clatter of his teeth. He quickly spun around and went to his locker, eternally grateful for the segue. Whirling in his code, he opened the locker and got out his towel and an extra dress shirt. He left the dry shirt on the bench separating the locker room then returned to Mark with apology in his step. Placing the towel over Mark’s head, he dried off Mark’s hair. He kept his eyes firmly off of Mark’s body.

Mark bore through the rough handling. “What about you?”

“You’re shivering. I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

“You’re going to dry me off?” Mark asked, a little hopeful. “My shirt is totally soaked, you know.”

Jackson nodded. He left the towel hanging over Mark’s head. They were so close that he could feel his breath reflect off of Mark’s chest. His fingers fumbled at Mark’s collar.

“D-did you want me to…?”

“Yeah,” Mark breathed.

Jackson unbuttoned Mark’s shirt, fingers trembling either from the cold or from his nervousness. He clenched his jaw to sustain some semblance of composure. It felt like each button was an eternity. Slowly, Mark’s chest was exposed as the wet fabric peeled away. This time, he couldn’t not look at Mark; he had to see what he was doing. His breath was caught in his throat, but that wasn’t the only reason Jackson was feeling lightheaded. 

They were down to the last button, and Jackson almost had a heart attack when Mark took over and simply shrugged the wet cloth off his shoulders. Jackson caught it and laid it next to the dry shirt he left on the locker room bench. Then, he turned back to lower the towel to Mark’s body. Taking a deep breath, he began carefully patting him dry. He stared at the pale skin of Mark’s body like it was the first time. This wasn’t even the worst near-nude situation, considering that he’s seen Mark in a towel on countless occasions (except, Jackson was totally keeping a secret mental tally, of course). 

However, today, they were at school. It was a whole new ballgame. Although no one would reasonably show up here, as it was reserved for basketball players, there was still a chance. What if a teacher walked in on them? If Jackson leaned closer, would they get caught? He found himself subconsciously testing that hypothesis. When his eyes accidentally flickered up to gauge Mark’s reaction, he found him staring back heatedly. He then felt how Mark’s chest rose and fell with labored breaths underneath his press of the towel, despite the time gap since they had run down here. 

But Jackson couldn’t possibly.

He jumped away and grabbed the dry shirt off the bench. “Here, change into this.”

Mark stepped back, startled with the suddenly applied normalcy. “And you?”

“I have weight lifting next period so I’m changing out. I don’t need the uniform.”

Mark nodded. He accepted the shirt and handed Jackson his towel back. “You dry off too. I don’t want you getting sick because you were trying to take care of me.”

Jackson turned around to take off his shirt, unbuttoning a few and then pulling it up over his head. He rubbed the damp towel across his chest and then through his hair. Behind him, he heard a metal clink and froze. He refused himself the opportunity to turn around.

“Are you…?” Jackson began. 

“My pants got wet too.”

“Sorry I don’t have any extra pants.”

“Don’t be sorry. Want to come dry my legs too? Though I think you’d really have a nosebleed if that happened,” Mark commented calmly. “You were staring pretty hard at my chest earlier.”

“That does not actually happen,” Jackson whined, refuting the possibility of bleeding out. He couldn’t deny how obviously he had been staring, though. “Shut up.”

“Embrace it,” Mark laughed. “I’m shy, but I’m not that shy.”

Jackson’s head whipped around at that, eyes wide. Mark’s pants were down to his ankles, and his legs were wet just like he had said. However, Jackson couldn’t fully comprehend the image before him with a rational mind. His dress shirt was a size too large for Mark, and the fabric hung off his shoulders seductively. Mark had been too lazy to button all the way up, and the angle of his body allowed for the shirt to hang lower and reveal more as he leaned forward. Jackson could clearly see his nipples and even that was too much. Then there were Mark’s lean legs that stuck out under the length of the shirt like they were waiting for Jackson to drop down and worship them. 

“Oh my god, I can’t let you go out like this,” Jackson said in a rush, covering his face with his hands. 

“Dude, I have a final in like seven minutes.” 

Jackson tossed the towel to Mark. When he bent down lower to dry off his legs, Jackson could completely see into his shirt. He was frozen at the opposite end of the room, clutching onto his locker door for support. He could only stand and watch as Mark took care of himself. 

Mark pulled his pants back up, buttoning his shirt the rest of the way like he had wanted Jackson to stare the entire time. “I’ll see you after class.”

“You… you’ll sleep over again tonight, right?” Jackson sputtered out before Mark could leave.

Mark smiled, and all the worry he had accumulated after the English exam dissipated. “Of course. Wait for me at the usual place.”

 

As Mark climbed up the stairs leading out of the gym basement, he ran into someone going down. The force of the person’s shoulders sent him reeling back into the railing. 

“Sorry,” Mark said first. However, his words faltered when he saw whom he had collided with.

“Just keep moving, you motherfucker,” Andy grunted back, continuing down the steps.

“Hey!” Mark yelled back, offended. “Your problem isn’t with me. Why don’t you try fucking talking to Jessica before lashing out?”

The line of Andy’s back hardened. “I don’t want to hear that name even come out of your pretty-boy mouth.”

Mark scoffed. He couldn’t understand what had set him off, but the words poured out like molten lead, heavy and biting. 

“Why not?” he taunted. “You can’t bear to imagine me fucking the girl you lost? You don’t want me whispering that name into her ear while I make her scream louder than she ever has with you?”

Andy reacted at that. He clambered up the stairs and shoved Mark back into the wall. Mark just barely moved his head before it would collide into the brick by the propulsion.

“You’re just a spoiled brat, aren’t you?” Andy growled, all in Mark’s face. They were so close he could smell his breath. “Can’t get Jackson so now you’re trying to rile me up?”

Mark’s eyes widened. He was completely ambushed. “How do you know about that?” he demanded, pretenses aside.

“I’d have to be blind not to know. You think I didn’t see you two outside the venue that night? You’re going to have to pick a better place if you didn’t want anyone to see you getting your ass rejected like that.”

Andy’s words had forced the image back into his head: Jackson walking away from him, head turned down like he was disappointed. However, the sadness didn’t come, the bitterness only manifested in anger. 

“Were you stalking me?” Mark laughed emptily.

“Don’t think I didn’t you notice you leaving Jessica all by herself,” Andy replied, not answering the question.

“I’m surprised you didn’t swoop in and try to comfort her.”

“Didn’t want to give her the satisfaction,” Andy shrugged.

“Wow, you’re learning,” Mark complimented patronizingly. 

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”

“She hasn’t talked to you?” Mark asked genuinely, his expression clearing suddenly.

Andy took a step back. He must have remembered something. “No—what? Was she supposed to?”

“You don’t realize how much she’s playing you?”

“Of course, you would know,” Andy said sarcastically.

“I’m being serious here.” Mark saw that wasn’t enough to buy Andy, so he explained, “She was trying to make you jealous. Everything, all of what she’s been doing, has been to make you want her more.”

“Well, I…” Andy let off. He turned to the side, trying to think everything through. “I guess I had noticed that.”

“And you haven’t done anything? You still like her, right?” Mark recalled how Jessica’s eyes had wandered the whole night. He knew that she didn’t have a thing for him. It was only the sudden realization of Mark’s good looks that made her consider him as a target, a stepping stool. And Mark couldn’t say that he hadn’t been used like that in the past—well, currently still.

“I do, but she’s always with other guys,” Andy said slowly, as if disbelieving that he was saying all of this to Mark. It was just minutes ago that they were biting at each other’s throats. 

“Be honest with her. Something tells me that you two broke up because you just weren’t talking about the same things.”

“Thanks,” Andy nodded. He patted Mark’s shoulder. “You should follow the same advice, man. It’ll do you and Jackson good. I hated seeing him down like that.”

Mark nodded back, a tight smile on his lips. Despite the overly manly facades and pretenses, Andy wasn’t a bad guy. Mark realized that there was more beneath the surface, and that was where one had to begin when judging another person. They were all human, after all. They were made of the same fibers that underwent different tanning or dyeing conditions. That’s why they were all so different. Yet, everyone’s color was special. 

They left each other there, and Mark made it to his last class just as the bell rang.

 

 

That night, Mark and Jackson were lying in bed lazily. Now that finals were over, it was like all the energy had drained out of them. After all of the goodbyes and best wishes at the close of the semester, even Jackson had gotten enough socializing for one day. Adding to that, there was the rush he was in to get Mark out the door so that people couldn’t ogle at how damn cute he looked in Jackson’s oversized shirt. In a sense though, it was like he had an unspoken claim to Mark, and that part he very much enjoyed.

They were on their phones, each doing their own things. Soon, Jackson got bored of answering messages, so he lay beside Mark to look at his phone screen. Mark let him lie on his bicep. Jackson stared at the game Mark was playing. He didn’t really understand what was going on, but it was fun to watch. From time to time, he’d glance up at Mark’s face. His lips were pursed together in deep concentration. Jackson was fixated on Mark’s small mouth. Sometimes Mark looked like a doll, and it felt unreal that they were lying on the same bed together, existing in the same space. Jackson had to physically remove his gaze from Mark’s face. He turned back to Mark’s phone.

“Hey, I never asked, but when did you crack your screen?”

“Oh…” Mark hesitated. “It’s a long story.”

“We have time,” Jackson insisted. “Today was our last day of school all year. We can stay up however late we want.”

Mark set his phone aside, letting his arm drop to the mattress along with it. “It was after formal.”

“After… oh?”

“I… threw it across the room when I was drunk,” Mark admitted.

“With Jessica?”

“No, I was alone.” Mark’s gaze wavered, embarrassed to be recounting this.

“Why were you drinking by yourself?” Jackson’s forehead wrinkled in concern as he looked up at Mark. “You aren’t an alcoholic, are you?”

“No! It’s nothing like that. I was a little… upset, I guess. It didn’t help though—drinking. I won’t do it again.” In his head, Mark heard what his father had said the morning after. He really didn’t think he was going to drink again. Despite his own reservations, he couldn’t turn against his parents’ dream for him. 

Jackson tilted his head in question before remembering his own state by the end of the night. He recalled how he had sobbed in the shower until his eyes ran dry despite the water pouring over them. Seeing Mark’s hands on someone else, watching as his head angled down toward Jessica’s… it was too much. Although he had seen it so many times before on Hani, this time was different. In this situation, Jackson and Jessica were on equal standing in terms of a chance with Mark, but ultimately Jackson still lost. He didn’t even stand a chance. 

“I was upset too,” Jackson shared.

Mark jolted in surprise at the admission. “From—?” his voice broke before he could continue his sentence.

“You,” Jackson finished. “From watching you… with… you know.”

Mark’s eyes were brimming with an indescribable feeling as they turned down to watch Jackson. Jackson couldn’t explain it, but he felt the same emotion overflow from his own heart. Even without his ability, the feeling was spoken with their eyes, and Jackson heard it clearly. The longing was equal.

“We really were on the same page, huh?” Mark commented.

“And running around in circles, biting our own tail,” Jackson finished.

Mark’s phone buzzed. He picked it up and sent a message one-handedly. Jackson couldn’t see his screen. Once done, Mark set his phone down again. 

“I just confirmed I’m going on a date with Hani tomorrow,” Mark said, explaining without Jackson having to ask. However, Jackson wasn’t sure that was the answer he wanted to hear. He could only tense in response. “It’s our last one before we end everything.”

“I see.”

“So this is it. We’re done after this.”

“You two… aren’t going to like… do anything, right?” Jackson asked hesitantly. He was afraid to push it too much. Maybe he should have phrased his question differently. Whatever Mark wanted to do was his choice. He was determined to respect that, but it also ripped a hole into his chest every time he thought about it. Now that they were so close to being together, now that Jackson knew how Mark felt for him, it felt so much worse to re-imagine how Mark had kissed Hani so passionately in the gym hallway after that basketball game. If something like that were to happen again tomorrow…

“No,” Mark said resolutely. He turned over, bending his arm so that he was facing Jackson, who was now underneath him. Jackson rested comfortably at his elbow. “I won’t touch her.”

“I mean, you don’t have to go that far!” Jackson exclaimed. “What if she trips and falls on her face? What if you could have saved her? You wouldn’t try to catch her because you made the impulsive promise not to touch her? You should still be able to _touch_ her at least. I think that’s going too far. Like, what if she walks into the street without looking—?”

Mark leaned down and pressed a deliberate kiss to Jackson’s lips to shut him up. Jackson froze, his eyes wide open. All the blood drained from his head, but he desperately tried to memorize the softness of Mark’s lips against his. When Mark’s mouth moved to lengthen the kiss, Jackson determined that Mark wasn’t going away any time soon. His eyelids slipped shut, and his hands grappled forward, reaching for Mark’s waist so that Mark could better lie on top of him. Simultaneously, Mark freed his arm from under Jackson’s head. It seemed like magic that they flowed in synchronism, their mouths and their bodies together.

Jackson sighed, breathing against the spit-slicked surface of Mark’s lips. That made Mark pop back up. He looked down at Jackson with concern.

“Sorry,” he said. “I just wanted to say that this isn’t an impulsive decision. I think both of us have changed, Hani and me. It’s been over a month since we did anything—since I’ve been with anyone. I promise. Really, I only wanted you to stop worrying, but I… I ended up getting carried away.”

Mark’s eyes lingered on the red hue decorating Jackson’s lips from where they previously entangled. 

“I’m less worried,” Jackson smiled lazily. 

Jackson looked at peace for the first time in a while, and Mark’s heart could not stop pounding against his ribcage. Mark’s libido was urging him to push things further, but Jackson’s refusal was clear in his mind. He couldn’t do something that Jackson didn’t want to. It’s been a week since Jackson said no, a week long of their shared heats under the covers that went unresolved. One more night wouldn’t kill him. Once he resolves this mess with Hani, then maybe they can finally—

Jackson reached up to cup a hand over Mark’s nape and to yank him out of his thoughts. He looked up at where Mark was hovering over him with shadowed eyes. He just stared, not saying anything, which was incredibly unusual for Jackson. Jackson’s lips parted, but he was still hesitating on his words, rolling them over his tongue again and again. 

“What?” Mark finally asked, unable to take the suspense.

“You know, this is our first sober kiss,” Jackson remarked. His eyes were flowing over Mark’s features in a daze. It was as if he couldn’t believe this was real.

“Congratulations to us?” Mark offered. He tried to laugh, but he was so anxious that nothing came out.

Jackson bit his lip, and the mood reddened. “I want more.”

“More of what?” Mark asked on a breath, just to be sure. He had to be absolutely certain he wasn’t misreading the situation.

Jackson blinked slowly as he inhaled. He exhaled back out, eyes fixed back on Mark’s. “More of you.”

It took a moment for those three words to sink into Mark’s head, but when it did, his eyes lit up with a new glow. His eyes ran over Jackson’s face, searching for any sign of hesitance. He took in Jackson’s set jaw, his unwavering stare.

“Are you sure?”

Jackson nodded. His eyes had never left Mark’s, had never faltered for even a second. Mark didn’t understand why, but that determination on Jackson’s part made him unbelievably nervous. He clenched the blankets by Jackson’s head, attempting to stop the shaking in his hands. He licked his lips but then belatedly realized that that would make the kiss too wet.

However, Jackson was growing impatient. He used his hand on Mark’s neck to bring him down. They hit in a collision, and Jackson felt Mark’s teeth almost split his lip. But he didn’t mind it. He sought after Mark’s mouth like a dying man toward water. All the unreleased tensions that had built up since Jackson realized his feelings toward Mark spilt over until Jackson could barely contain himself. His hands found their way into Mark’s hair, curling into the soft locks. The only thought on his mind was pulling Mark down closer so that he could taste more of his mouth. 

This was vastly different from the drunken kiss they shared mindlessly in the bathroom of Jaebum’s house. At this point in time at the peak of the night in Jackson’s bed, they were both totally clear-minded, and every sensation was completely exposed. There was no numbness that overtook the pure sensation of feeling each other for what they were. 

Jackson’s head was spinning. He was overly conscious of Mark’s knee where it was nudging into his inner thigh, and it made his lips misstep as they tried to keep up with Mark. In some inexplicable way, Mark seemed to catch onto that minute fumble, and he purposefully kneed deeper into Jackson. Jackson shifted his leg away from the pressure, subsequently spreading his legs enough for Mark to slide one knee firmly between them. Jackson gasped when Mark ran up along the seam of his pants. Mark giggled at his reaction.

“So innocent,” Mark whispered into their kiss. Their lips had not moved further than an inch from each other since they began.

That comment seemed to rile Jackson, however, rubbing him the wrong way. Jackson was abruptly determined to prove Mark wrong. He dragged his hand down, sliding over Mark’s back pocket. He gave Mark’s ass a squeeze, making Mark flinch.

“Who’s innocent?” Jackson countered.

Mark smirked at Jackson’s attempt. “You are.” 

He ground down over where Jackson was clearly hard in his pants with his hip. Not expecting the motion, Jackson audibly moaned, fingers tensing where they were holding onto Mark. That seemed to shock Mark in response, and his next intake of breath was sharper than usual. 

“Why would I be surprised that you’re loud?” Mark laughed dryly, trying to shake off the sudden arousal that overtook him. 

“What?” Jackson smiled cheekily. He studied the blown nature of Mark’s pupils with intent interest. “You like it?” His fingers ventured over the front of Mark’s pants, feeling over the new ridge that formed to the side of his zipper. Mark’s breath hitched, even at that delicate touch. “So, who’s innocent now?”

“Don’t tell me that moan was put on,” Mark insisted.

Jackson shrugged vainly, but Mark saw through it in an instant. There was no way that timing was fake.

“Should I try it again?” Mark challenged. His hand trailed up Jackson’s thigh to his hip where his fingers played with the hem of Jackson’s sweatpants. 

Jackson’s hand shot out to grab Mark’s wrist. His eyes were wide as he stared at Mark. “Don’t.”

Mark shrank away from Jackson’s intensity. He slowly released his fingers from Jackson’s pants, and Jackson dropped his hold as well. Dejected, Mark sat back on his heels, moving away from Jackson’s touch on his crotch. His previous excitement was withering in the pregnant pause. He could only stare at his hands, awaiting Jackson’s verdict.

“Wait,” Jackson sat up, and the front of his pants scrunched up. His hair was messed up from the blankets, but he didn’t notice. “I didn’t mean it like that.” 

“Then what did you mean?”

Jackson couldn’t help thinking that Mark looked like a scolded child. The slight pout to his lower lip was so cute. He crawled over to where Mark was on his knees. Pawing at Mark’s lap, Jackson searched for the right words.

“T-too fast,” Jackson stuttered. “We’re moving too fast. Sorry, I was trying to impress you, but I… that far, I can’t.”

“Then outline what’s okay. Tell me so we don’t have to…”

“Stop so suddenly?” Jackson finished. “Yeah, I know. Sorry, I just—.”

“You don’t have to apologize. You’re totally right. It’s my fault.”

“It’s no one’s fault.” Jackson shook his head vehemently. He reached for Mark’s hand, cradling it in his own. “Okay, so boundaries um… Kissing is okay. It’s totally, one hundred percent okay.”

Mark laughed a little, his mood starting to brighten again. 

“Um, t-touching over clothes is okay too,” Jackson blushed as he said the words. His ears were so hot just remembering what had just transpired between them.

“Is that it?”

Jackson could hear the eager expectation in Mark’s tone, even though he had tried to suppress it. Without his ability, Jackson had felt handicapped in the beginning, but he soon realized that he already knew the set patterns of certain people’s behaviors at certain instances. Like this, he could easily copy and paste a makeshift scam of his ‘superpower.’ Likewise, he knew that Mark wished for more, could read it in the tension of his muscles, but he wasn’t ready to give it all up to be another notch in Mark’s bedpost.

“Y-yeah, for now. That’s it,” Jackson said meekly. 

“Okay,” Mark said, clapping his hands together. Jackson subconsciously reached out for those hands to hold onto him. However, Mark was already so much further. “Glad that’s decided. I’m going to go shower first then.”

Mark left the room before Jackson could even realize that there was something wrong. When he did, however, a solution did not magically come along with it. Jackson stared at his feet, firmly planted on the ground with intention to go somewhere. But Jackson was lost with nowhere to go. He wanted to give in to his urges, but he was scared. What if Mark changed his mind? What if when Mark first encounters another male’s dick shoved in his face, he goes back on his word and runs away in disgust? Jackson hung onto the hope that maybe if he got Mark to fall for him deep enough, then perhaps that bond will keep him reeled in even if the sex repelled him. That’s considering whether Mark would even become that enchanted by Jackson in the first place.

While Jackson was lost in his thoughts, Mark took longer in the shower than his normal ten-minute in and out. Jackson entered the bathroom, totally oblivious to the red flush on Mark’s cheeks under the wet mop of his bangs as they passed wordlessly in the hallway. He started up the shower in the steamy room before hopping in. The hot water was therapeutic, and he was glad that Mark hadn’t used up all of it. As he was shampooing his hair, he noticed a glob of something that resembled conditioner. He wiped off viscous white fluid with the pad of his finger, but as soon as he touched it, he realized it wasn’t hair product. The substance was gooey to the touch, vastly different from the creamy consistency of conditioner.

The more he stared at it, the more he knew what it was. It was not conditioner. Jackson stared at his finger in a mixture of surprise and revelation. Water was splashing into Jackson’s face, but he was too stupefied by the implications of this finding. However, that was the extent of the shock. There was no disgust or horror. As his thoughts raced past his physical being a third or fourth time, Jackson realized that he definitely felt something stir in his dick. The thought of Mark masturbating in his shower after what they had just done was definitely… intriguing. 

He let the water flow over his hands, washing off the evidence. Head under the water, he held onto the opposite wall for support. His erection was already back, and Jackson’s thoughts weren’t flowing properly. His hands were pulling forward on instinct. He grabbed a hold of the base, straining to hold back the shiver that ran through him at the touch. The image of Mark panting hard in pleasure was addictive. Jackson drew back to it as his hand began a steady rhythm on his cock. He stroked up and down the length hard enough to have generated a sound if the roar of the shower hadn’t drowned it out. Eyes closed, he relived every sensation of Mark’s body lying on top of his as they made out, feeling the arousal build toward its peak. He imagined in explicit detail how Mark must have looked in here just minutes ago. He pictured them sharing the same licentious heat, giving into the same primal pleasures. He pretended that his hand was on Mark’s cock, feeling over the water-slicked skin, and not his own. Jackson moaned a little too loudly when he accidentally rubbed over the head roughly. The fingers of his free hand clawed into the tile of his shower wall. 

It was scarily fast how quickly he reached his edge at the thought of Mark. Granted, it had also been a week since Mark essentially moved in for the nights. Jackson had no time to relieve himself. Even the period before, Jackson had been too caught up in the isolation of being avoided. Now that Jackson finally had time to himself, he was utterly overwhelmed and the wave was coming too fast. The pleasure rippled out of his body, and Jackson gasped sharply as the first spurt launched out of his tip in tandem. Squeezing his eyes shut, he jerked out the rest until he was done. 

The mental clarity that came after left him feeling guilty and disgusting. He had just masturbated to Mark’s image in his shower. How low could he go? He had refused Mark’s offer for more only to stoop to this level, all because he was scared of going too far. He washed off his hands in shame. Then he cleaned off the shower walls, feeling dirty. He saw that some of his cum had landed at the same place as Mark’s did. A perversely delighted tingle ran down his spine at the thought of their fates aligning like this. It was ridiculous. Jackson wanted to hit his head against the wall until the insanity would bleed out; he felt like he was going crazy trying to restrain himself from a treat that was right in front of him.

When Jackson finished showering and returned to his room, he hesitated at his door before entering. He held the secret of knowing what Mark had done and then what he had done as well. The gravity of these secrets made his shoulders droop. He gathered enough strength to walk into his room, but his forehead was still wrinkled. 

“What’s wrong?” Mark asked instantly. He was sitting on Jackson’s bed on his phone. 

Jackson meandered over, sitting a good distance away from Mark. He glanced over at his screen out of protective curiosity and was relieved to see that Mark was just playing a game. 

He sighed. “Nothing.”

“You don’t look like nothing.”

Jackson studied Mark’s complexion. His eyes were a lot clearer compared to the lust clouding them earlier. His cheeks were removed of their previous flush. His lips were bitten, but that seemed to consistently be the case. 

“Of course not. I look like Jackson.”

“Shut up,” Mark laughed. “That is such a dad joke.”

Jackson scrunched his nose. “Am I already getting that old?”

“If you’re old, then I’m ancient. _You_ aren’t even eighteen yet, remember?” 

Jackson groaned. “Ugh, don’t remind me. I can’t wait until I can legally buy cigarettes and go to prison. I can even honestly say ‘yes, I’m over 18’ when I enter porn sites.”

Mark rolled his eyes.

“Oh,” Jackson realized. “Then I can also legally have sex with someone over 18.”

That statement caused Mark’s eyes to jerk up to Jackson’s face. He studied his expression hard, and Jackson wilted a little under his stare. Unsure of what to expect, Jackson could only look back meekly.

“Oh?” Mark tried to pull off like he hadn’t been staring Jackson down for a fight to the death. “Who would you target first?”

“Who do you think?” Jackson retorted. He gave Mark a look, silently asking if he were serious. Mark’s face back was blank. So Jackson felt like he had to do something. He slid into Mark’s space, leaping over the unclaimed territory between them. He pointedly flicked his gaze down to Mark’s lips before looking back up in his eyes. “Really, who do you think?”

“M-me?” Mark asked bashfully.

Jackson nodded deliberately before smirking, a dirty thought crossing his mind. “March 28. Don’t forget it. Get a damn good gift for me because I’ll have my ass ready for you. It’s a promise.”

The blatant insinuation actually caused a shiver of lust to run down to Mark’s crotch. He looked back once at Jackson’s expression before he couldn’t contain it anymore. Lurching forward, he aimed for Jackson’s mouth as he pushed him down. Jackson’s body was incredibly pliant, giving Mark the illusion that he could do whatever he wanted. In reality, however, they both knew that Jackson was in control with his guidelines of what they could and could not do. 

“So…” Jackson considered, looking up at Mark’s face hanging over him. “Does this make me jailbait?”

Mark stared down at him, and he knew how much he wanted the younger. Wet hair slopping everywhere, Jackson’s face was bare and beautiful. Did his words serve as a reminder of the restrictions to their vague sort of a relationship? There were legal barriers that made their attraction to each other taboo. If anyone told, Mark would be in deep shit.

However, there was that hint of a smile that lit up Jackson’s face every time he told a joke. Mark knew that Jackson felt the same way. He wasn’t afraid of Jackson notifying the police or anything that ludicrous. In this space together, they were safe. 

“Does that make me a criminal?” Mark asked. His eyes were set on Jackson. There was still something dark about his gaze that could not be sated in Jackson’s shower. 

Jackson bit into his bottom lip as his round eyes turned up to Mark. “Are you saying you want to role play?”

Mark rolled his eyes. Of course Jackson would jump from 0 to 100 just like that. However, just like the law, Jackson’s words served as a physical barrier to what Mark was allowed to do. They had to set up boundaries to make sure everything was okay moving forward. He had to play within his rules, or he was out. The limitations made something inside him snarl, but he wanted Jackson wholesomely enough to not fall prey to primal desire. 

Mark smoothed over Jackson’s cheekbone with the side of his thumb. “ _Shut_ ,” he said then placed a soft kiss over Jackson’s waiting lips. Jackson lifted his head for a deeper kiss, but Mark was moving to finish his statement, “ _up_.” Then he whispered, “You know I only want you as you are.”

“Oh, my god. You did not just try to sweet talk me out of a conversation about kinks.”

“I think I just did,” Mark said, a little proud of himself that he was able to play in Jackson’s game.

“Kiss me properly, and I’ll shut up,” Jackson blinked up at Mark expectantly.

So that night they only stuck to making out, passionately seeking more of each other over the barrier of clothes and morals. They fell asleep wholly not sated, ignoring the arousal that pressed into the front of their pants. But that was okay.

Yeah?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummmm so it's been almost a month. I'm not leaving - don't worry! 
> 
> Honestly, I've been so busy that my mind keeps coming up with other fic ideas (and im not getting any actual work done). I should be writing up my midterm, but all the concert pics/vids were super motivational (marks arms) and your comments too ofc <3 Thanks for those recent messages esp telling me that you've been rereading~
> 
> Anyways... 
> 
> The water fight was totally an excuse to write about mark's nipples. Also didn't know that this was an actual thing that could happen at school until my friend told me about it. Who knew? 
> 
> About Jackson... They both want each other, but the only thing is his trepidation about going further. He's just surprisingly shy for how he acts, but can you blame him?


	13. Facial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember how, back when Jackson was tipsy (in ch.3), he had accidentally admitted to Mark that he’d want to try a facial?

“I’m not sure if I can do it anymore,” Jackson wailed to Jaebum. He had impulsively decided to call Jaebum the next morning while Mark was heading out to Hani’s house to pick her up. Now they sat tucked away in a booth at the local sports bar. Jackson picked at the loaded fries between them tastelessly. He had already told Jaebum everything, and he was waiting for a verdict like an accused man.

“Then just do it,” Jaebum said, as if it were obvious. As if it were so easy.

“Jaebum, I’m scared.”

“I don’t know why you’re waiting if you want it so badly.”

“But he’s so experienced. What if he doesn’t like it with me? What if he isn’t even gay? Oh god, what if he won’t even be able to get hard once he sees… sees my…”

“Do _not_ finish that sentence,” Jaebum cut into Jackson’s hesitance. “Relax, it’s Mark. He seems careful enough. I doubt he would jump headfirst into something he isn’t sure about. He isn’t like _you_.”

“I thought you didn’t like him,” Jackson pointed out, ignoring the jab to his impulsivity. He wasn’t _that_ hotheaded. 

“He’s just very… closed off,” Jaebum tried to explain. Jackson threw Jaebum a look. “And I know you’re gonna go off about how I’m the same, but I’m just saying. If he is open to you, then that is great. I just didn’t want you pushing at a locked door, trying to get into his head now that you’ve been kicked out. Since your sense is gone and all.”

Jackson stared at him, trying to figure out where that metaphor came from. “Do you want to talk about how you’ve been with Jinyoung?” he figured the connection. “When did you get so good at speaking?”

“I’ve been able to recommend books to him that he’s never read,” Jaebum said proudly. “He liked them a lot.”

“That’s a good start.”

“And I’ve been staying at his house more than I’ve been at mine,” Jaebum finished.

“Oh-ho,” Jackson nearly shouted. “That’s more than just a start. You player! How far have you two gone?”

Jaebum scowled at Jackson, like he didn’t want to give away how beautiful Jinyoung could be in their gentle moments together to him. 

“Come on,” Jackson pushed. “I’ve told you everything.”

“We haven’t done anything. We’re being really careful because of his job. Just… a couple nights ago, after I drove him home, he fell asleep in my arms on the couch. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.”

Jackson squealed. “You two are so cute. It’s a shame you couldn’t have been born earlier.”

“It would be easier if I were older than him,” Jaebum mused. “But then I couldn’t have asked him to pair you and Mark for the project.”

“Ah!” Jackson yelled. He had to hush himself when he saw heads turn to their direction. “I knew it!”

Jaebum smirked deviously.

“Seriously, though, why did you do it? You really seem like you disapprove of him.”

“He’s a good kid. I’ve seen how affected by him you are. I didn’t really have a choice, being your friend and all,” Jaebum hid a shy smile. He cleared his throat, trying to play it cool. “So, I really hope you two can finally work things out and get together.”

Jaebum said all of this like his only option was to help Jackson when, really, he had no obligation to. He pretended to be exasperated at Jackson’s problems, when he was actually all-ears. It was Jaebum’s defense against Jackson’s mushy shows of gratitude, but Jackson could read through the masculine pretention. Jaebum cared deeply for the people close to him, and it showed through his actions more than his words.

“Thank you,” Jackson said genuinely.

“Don’t worry about it,” Jaebum replied then smoothly changed the subject. “Hey, how about you invite him to our yearly trip?”

“To the cabin? But Yugyeom is going to be there too. If he has a problem with you, he has an even bigger one with Yugyeom.”

“I thought you said that they were fine now.”

“But after what’s going to happen today… I’m not so sure.”

“What’s happening today?”

The bell above the front door jangled, catching Jackson’s attention away from Jaebum’s question. He saw a whiff of brown hair and tensed. He looked around the side of Jaebum’s booth. He stared hard at the couple that just came in, backlit by the bright sunshine from the slowly closing door. It couldn’t be. But it was. When the door finally shut, Jackson saw that it was Mark and Hani standing side by side, waiting to be seated. 

“What—?” Jaebum started.

Jackson quickly shushed him, whole body coiled as he waited to see where the hostess was leading them. When he saw that they were approaching them, he quickly ducked lower under the shadow of the booth’s back. He indicated for Jaebum to do the same, mouthing ‘Mark’ insistently. Jaebum gave in, following Jackson in his childish antics. However, Jackson’s mind was not on immature thrills. He recalled what Mark had said and how much those four words had made his heart pound with Mark’s dedication. 

_“I won’t touch her.”_

Now his heart was straining in his chest, weakened and trying with all its might to beat. When Mark had come in, Hani was hanging off his arm like he hadn’t been sleeping under the same blanket as Jackson for the past week. As Jackson fell deeper, he wondered if he had really fallen into the psychosis level of sleep deprivation where everything had been a product of his imagination. But he couldn’t have hallucinated the whole thing. There was no way. He idly touched his lips, remembering how Mark had felt just last night. 

However, the look Mark cast Hani was pure romance. Even from that distance, Jackson could see that his eyes were soft as he stared upon her shorter form. Jackson promptly withered. Mark hadn’t even noticed Jackson’s abrupt drop in order to hide. 

“What?” Jaebum mouthed again to Jackson.

“Mark’s with Hani. Behind you,” Jackson hissed. He pointed behind Jaebum where he saw the hostess seat the couple. 

Jaebum cast Jackson a sympathetic glance, and Jackson honestly just wanted to slap it off his face in agitation. He wasn’t having it. He wasn’t sure if he felt betrayed by himself or Mark. How could he have such high hopes? Wasn’t it he himself who insisted that Mark should be able to touch her? However, he had given the example of an accident for her personal safety. If Mark had stopped her from running into the street and getting mauled by a semi, then that would be different. 

This was a clear exhibit of Hani pouring herself all over Mark for no reason other than sexual attraction, and Jackson was tempted to pull his eyes from their sockets. He had never imagined that this would hurt so much worse than before. The anticipation that there was something special blooming between them was reversed in an instant. His Tower of Babel, built with the hopes of reaching Mark, crashed to ground with nothing more than rumble left behind. 

Not to mention the novelty of feeling with just his own senses was already grating enough. Without other people’s emotions crowding in his head, only his own were apparent. The pure vacuum of those feelings was unbearable. There was nothing else to distract him from it, nothing to shift his attention away. Mark’s aura was gone from his sights, and Jackson was slammed with the fact that he was all alone. That emptiness within was all that he could feel.

“I’m right here,” Jaebum said, just happening to say the perfect thing in response to Jackson’s thoughts. “You’re spacing out. It’s just Mark. He told you that this was going to happen. Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

Jackson bit back his bitterness. He might not have seen a ghost, but he did die a little on the inside.

 

 

Earlier that morning, Mark had texted Hani that he was outside her house, but she still wasn’t ready so she invited him in for a drink. Mark sat at the kitchen counter, running his fingers up and down the sides of his tall glass of lemonade. Hani was upstairs, getting dressed. She had come out in just a bathrobe, the part opened too wide down her chest. Mark could see the shadow beneath her breasts. However, Mark really didn’t feel anything at the sight. It shouldn’t have surprised him that much, considering that he never really felt anything special in the first place. He didn’t even watch as Hani’s hips swished in her robe as she climbed the stairs.

Mark sat in the kitchen alone. He drank the overly sweet lemonade, trying to recreate the taste of Jackson’s tongue in his mouth as he waited. His head popped up when he heard the fridge open. Jinyoung was standing there in a plain shirt and sweatpants. 

“Mr. Park!” Mark said in surprise, standing from his chair to greet him.

“I told you that you can just call me Jinyoung here. I’m not that much older than you,” Jinyoung said, waving him off. He poured himself a glass of milk. When he was done, he looked up, eyeing Mark’s expression. “What were you thinking about?” 

Mark’s head jerked up, blushing at the memory of kissing Jackson. “N-nothing.”

Jinyoung hummed dismissively, but he said anyway, “I hope it’s not about my sister.”

“No, sir,” Mark said immediately, the title of respect slipping out on accident. 

“You were blushing pretty hard. Can I assume it was about Jackson?”

Mark was lost for words. “How…?” 

“How did I know?” Jinyoung finished. 

Mark nodded.

“A teacher ought to know about their students’ woes.” Mark subconsciously made a face, and Jinyoung laughed without much emotion. He continued with less pretentiousness, “I know I’m just in training, but I’m watching out for you guys.”

Mark smiled, getting embarrassed again. Somehow, he found Jinyoung so hard to talk to. It was enough that he had been fucking his younger sister for so long, but now Jinyoung was also his student teacher and in a position of authority.

Mark changed the subject. “It’s rare to see you home. You have your own flat, right?”

“Well, I don’t come here often, no. Also don’t want to run into whatever you’re doing with my sister.”

Mark’s face heated. “It’s not like that.”

Jinyoung’s eyes were piercing. Mark didn’t have to look up to know. “Don’t act like it’s all been innocent. I know how she is, and I have a pretty good idea of what you’re like.”

Mark opened his mouth to complain but thought better of it. Even if Jinyoung was acting casual, he was still the one in charge of grading his papers. 

“Don’t worry, Mark. I only know because I’ve had to cover for her so many times. And she only trusts me to because I’ve had my days too.”

Mark nodded quietly. He couldn’t imagine Jinyoung, with his khakis and pressed shirts, regularly sleeping around with different guys. However, with messy hair and a teenage smile, well… 

“But it’s not about our pasts, right?” Jinyoung continued rhetorically. “It’s all about how we treat the present. What matters is what we do with the people around us now. It’s those we want to keep by our sides; _they_ are the ones that matter.”

Mark met Jinyoung’s eyes. His words had resonated with him so deeply that Mark could feel his hairs stand on end. “You give good advice.”

Jinyoung smiled bitterly. “You have to live yourself before you can even try helping other people with their lives.”

“You’ll make a great teacher, Jinyoung,” Mark said genuinely.

Jinyoung sighed. “As soon as I can get my Master’s.”

Hani came down the steps then, bouncing with excitement. She raced into the kitchen, skidding to a stop when she saw her brother. She gave him a look.

“I’m glad you’re finally drinking from a glass. It’s much more civilized,” she said, poking at his bad habits.

“We have a guest,” Jinyoung responded.

“Sure,” Hani said dismissively. “Pretend we have a guest more often.”

“This is why I have my own place now,” Jinyoung said, exiting the scene. “You should consider it too.”

“I just want clean milk cartons,” Hani shouted after him. She turned back to Mark. “Shall we?”

“Are you going out in that?” Mark asked, noticing how loose her tank top was at the collar. And the fact that she wasn’t wearing a bra underneath, just like she had come to find out Mark liked. Mark’s eyes were naturally drawn to where her nipples just barely showed, teasing.

“Are we going out,” Hani mused, “or should we stay in? I’m sure we can convince my brother to leave.” 

Mark studied at her face suspiciously. “What are you implying?”

She shrugged, and her shirt moved with her. 

“You know it didn’t work the last time,” Mark said, referring to their last make out session in front of the bowling alley. He knew they both were no longer into it, having lost the vague attraction that they shared just because they could acknowledge each other’s visuals. 

“It’s our last date, though,” Hani reasoned. “You don’t want a proper send off?” She licked her lips, heavily implying what she was offering. 

Mark couldn’t say that he wasn’t pent up after having to take care of himself in the shower alone last night. Making out with Jackson afterwards until they both fell asleep only riled him up again. He was left burning with no release. Now, Hani was presenting herself to him, reminding him of the pleasures they had sought after together. Was it so long ago that he had taken her on this very kitchen counter where he was resting his innocent glass of lemonade? It was escapism, but that was the whole point.

“I thought you wanted Yugyeom.”

“And you should know Yugyeom still has his eyes set on other people,” Hani said. Her lips curved down in a frown, and Mark knew that she was more upset than she let on. 

“So it didn’t work?”

She sighed. “I’d ask you to continue this with me, but I can’t anymore.”

“Why not?” Mark asked, utterly clueless. Hani wanted to smack him. For how attentive he was, he was severely lacking in the areas that mattered.

“You think I can’t read you?” Hani challenged, raising her eyebrows. “So, tell me. How are things with Jackson? And don’t try to beat around the bush.”

Mark flushed bright red at the mention of Jackson’s name. Then he was embarrassed by his obvious reaction, causing him to blush more. “I-it’s good. But we aren’t anything really.”

Hani scoffed. “You were so sullen last time. I really wanted to tell you everything, but I didn’t dare fuck up the natural progression of things. So what’s happened? You two told each other, right? I thought you two would finally stop running away and get to the good part.”

“He’s still wary about being with me. I think I know why but…”

“You told him about us, right?”

“I did, but still. He thinks that we’re moving too fast.”

Hani nodded, understanding. “You’re going to have to walk at his pace. Otherwise, you’re going to find yourself left behind, even if you’re the one running ahead. Remember, Mark!” Hani slammed her hand on the granite countertop for emphasis. “He’s the one in charge.”

After that, Hani put on a cardigan over her tank top, and they left for the restaurant. Hani attached herself at Mark’s side like she always did. Mark stared down at her slight form, imagining what it would be like to enter restaurants with Jackson like this. Sure he would be a bit bulkier, maybe even clingier than her, but it was the sweetest image that Mark could picture. He couldn’t stop the smile blossoming on his face.

Mark was glad that it wasn’t too crowded on a Saturday morning, and they were easily able to get a seat at one of the booths. Mark scoured over the menu and ordered a burger. Hani chose a salad. They managed simple small talk until their food was served. They fell silent as they ate.

“So when is he arriving?” Mark asked in a hushed voice, as if afraid to be overheard. He still had a quarter of his burger left.

“He should get here after we finish eating,” Hani responded, checking her phone. She had multiple resources to figure out Yugyeom’s schedule. Honestly, Mark found it a little unnerving.

“How are we going to do this?”

“Just break up with me. I’ll tear up a little and just happen to run into him. Don’t worry. I got this.”

Mark nodded, trusting her word. “He’s going to hate me, huh.” It wasn’t a question.

“I’m sorry there’s no other way. Unless…”

“I’m not going to ask you come clean for my sake. I agreed to this mess in the first place. It’s as much my fault as it is yours,” Mark stated.

“You really have grown. Thank you,” Hani commented. She stared at Mark with an analytical eye, and he knew that she was trying to read him. She popped her last tomato into her mouth. “Stay loyal to your Jackson, alright?”

Mark blushed at Hani’s phrasing, but he nodded. At that, the bell above the door jangled again. Mark turned around to look over the back of the booth. He saw Yugyeom’s tall figure step through the door with Bambam. 

“Now?” Mark asked, turning back to Hani.

Hani’s eyes were on the pair behind him. She showed a five with her fingers then dropped them one by one, counting down for Mark. She got to her feet at ‘zero.’

Mark raised his voice. “Hani, it’s been nice dating for these past two months.”

“Two and a half months,” Hani cut in. Her pitch of voice caught the attention of Yugyeom, who turned to see her standing from the booth. “What are you trying to tell me?”

“I don’t think we should do this anymore.”

“Why?” Hani cried out. “We were so good together. What happened?”

Mark froze. He had never run through this scenario in his head. Hani had never said that she was going to drag this out. His mind flew to the first thing he could think of. 

“I like someone else,” Mark blurted out. It was the first thing that came to mind. It was the first time he had admitted that to someone else. And it was the truest thing he had said in a long time. “He means everything to me, and I don’t want to keep him waiting any longer. He deserves better than that.”

Hani exaggerated covering her mouth with her hand as she ran off. Mark stood to see her ‘run’ into Yugyeom on accident. He hid himself as he watched Yugyeom’s irritation immediately transform into concern, and he comforted her with his hand on her head. She hugged him tightly, and Yugyeom could not conceal the smile splitting his face. He could vaguely hear Hani coming up with a reason different from what Mark had told her, that their breakup was mutual because of her job and schedule. 

Satisfied, Mark returned to his seat. He had wondered why Hani had forced him to improvise on the spot, but he had figured she was being thorough. However, when his eyes lifted to see the person sitting in the booth in front of him, the pieces fell into place. Jackson was staring right back at him, his mouth agape. Neither knew how to respond, and Mark was frozen in place.

Suddenly, a furious voice was yelling Mark’s name. Mark turned in time to watch Yugyeom’s fist as it collided into his face. Hani shrieked, running past Yugyeom to get to Mark who had fallen into the booth. Past her fussing, Mark saw Jackson step up and yank Yugyeom down by the front of his shirt. He could feel where his lip had split and the taste of blood leaked. His jaw was throbbing, but he was alive. 

Mark got Hani off of him and stood up to confront Yugyeom. He pushed Jackson out of the way to get in Yugyeom’s face.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” Mark spat. He shoved Yugyeom’s chest.

“Mark,” Jackson pulled at his arm. “Let’s go.”

“How dare you break Hani’s heart?” Yugyeom shouted back.

“I didn’t, you motherfucker,” Mark responded darkly. His demeanor was calm, but he was wound like a bomb, ready to go off at any second.

Unknowingly, Yugyeom took a step forward, intending to shove Mark back. Mark tilted back for the momentum, in preparation. However, Jackson intercepted quicker. He blocked Yugyeom, making him stagger backwards. Seeing the opportunity, Jackson spun Mark around toward the door. He seized Mark’s hand and bolted out of the restaurant before the manager could arrive to kick them out. They crashed through the double doors, ignoring the confused eyes set on them. 

When they got to the parking lot, Jackson lost sense of where to go. He didn’t have a car since Jaebum had driven them to the sports bar. However, Mark caught on instantly and led Jackson to his car. He unlocked it as they sprinted across the lot, hand in hand. He wasn’t even sure why they were running at this point. No one was coming after them. 

They slammed their way into Mark’s car. Jackson panted from the passenger’s seat, and Mark clutched at the steering wheel to catch his breath. There was still sweat on his left hand where Jackson had held him while they ran. He could feel Jackson staring at him. 

“What?” Mark asked self-consciously. He kept his eyes staring straight ahead so that he wouldn’t have to confront Jackson’s gaze. His blood was pumping with anger towards Yugyeom. However, the silent space and the decreasing adrenaline were focusing his attention on the words he had said before he got hit.

Jackson reached over to wipe away the blood that was dripping down his chin. “You’re hurt.”

Mark brushed his hand away. “I must’ve bitten my lip when Yugyeom punched me.”

“Are you okay?” Jackson asked.

Mark didn’t know what he meant. “Yeah. People are so fucking dumb when they’re in love.”

“Not just that,” Jackson insisted. “You just broke up with someone. You can’t be that okay.”

Mark turned to look back at Jackson, unwavering. “I’m fine.”

“But isn’t it traumatizing? To top it off, her jealous admirer punched you in the face too. And it was right after you said that you…’” Jackson broke off.

“Yeah, and I meant it,” Mark said. His gaze on Jackson still didn’t falter, and it was making Jackson’s heart race.

“I-I know, but you actually said it. You told someone else th-that I meant everything to you,” Jackson said as if disbelieving. 

“Of course.” Mark finally gained the confidence to face Jackson. Where he had hoped to witness Jackson’s awe, the emotion had already passed to one of doubt. Mark’s anxiety spiked. Did Jackson not feel the same way? Was it too much too soon?

“But…”

“What?” Mark jumped on Jackson’s hesitance.

“When you first came into the restaurant,” Jackson began. He studied Mark’s reaction hard, and he saw a slight blush when Mark realized what he was referencing. “You were being really close with Hani.”

“I shouldn’t have,” Mark said quickly.

“No, I said that you should be able to touch her. It’s just… I don’t know. I didn’t think it would bother me so much.”

“She’s naturally touchy with everyone,” Mark explained. “I would feel bad shaking her off, especially after I let it happen for so long.”

Jackson nodded.

“I’m sorry,” Mark continued. “Let me make it up to you. Earlier, I was actually thinking about taking you out to eat like that. This is kind of embarrassing, but uh…”

“No, it’s not. Tell me.”

“When I came in with her, I was imagining what it would be like to do that with you. Like, go on a date and all that stuff, but we don’t have to do that now. So just anything… what would you like?”

“Take me home,” Jackson took initiative. He thought it would be nice if they could cuddle in his bed. Maybe they’d watch a movie or laugh at stupid things on Twitter together.

“Sure.” Mark turned the ignition. 

Jackson waited until the car passed onto the main street before he found the nerve to ask.

“It wasn’t because I withheld doing anything like… like _that_ with you, right?”

That was the first thought that plagued him. When he saw how loving Mark’s gaze toward Hani was—even more than before—he imagined the sex that Mark was potentially recalling having with her. It might have even been acceptable. If Mark were too horny, it would have been an accidental thought, yet a pleasant memory nonetheless. If Mark were subconsciously trying to seek sex from other sources… could Jackson let it go? Maybe they’d even done it when Mark went to pick her up. That would have explained how Mark left Jackson’s house earlier but arrived at the sports bar later. It would put cause on how Jackson had finished his entire meal before Mark showed up at the door. Hani’s house couldn’t have been that far away.

“What the fuck?” Mark startled Jackson. He took the chance while they were stopped at a red light to glare at Jackson. “I’m not a vampire hunting for blood. I don’t _need_ sex. I would never be that desperate.”

The discrepancy between their thoughts was massive. Jackson wasn’t aware of how Mark had long since abandoned the idea of pursuing meaningless flings. Meanwhile, Mark still didn’t comprehend their difference in realities; where in Jackson’s life, sex wasn’t as normalized as it was in Mark’s. Neither could put their personal experience into words.

“If you don’t want to have sex with me, then we’ll never have sex and I’ll be perfectly fine with it,” Mark snapped. His mouth was drawn in a firm line. He was beyond peeved that Jackson still thought this way about him: that he was of loose-morals, that he was easy. 

Jackson made a strange guttural sound, strangling to find the right thing to say in this situation. When he realized he was truly lost for words, he dropped a hand on Mark’s thigh. He felt Mark’s muscle tense under his palm. 

“What are you doing?”

“I don’t want to _never_. I just… We agreed on after I turn eighteen, right?” 

Jackson couldn’t admit that he was scared, yeah? How would he look to Mark then? It was stupid. Jackson had been putting off sex, saying that his ability might make him lack control when it mattered most. However, he had come to realize that even now, without his ability, without anything to be afraid of, there was still something that made him second-guess himself. 

“Sure,” Mark agreed nonchalantly.

Maybe it was Mark. Maybe it was the blasé air that put Mark in a position of power over Jackson. From the top of the ladder, he was staring down, judging all below him. Jackson knew this image was utterly ridiculous and totally far from the truth. However, it was a fear of his own inexperience, his own incompetence. How could he compare to those that Mark had been with before? How would he stand out from a woman, who was all curves and soft edges?

“But that doesn’t mean other things are off the table.”

Maybe he just had to prove something to him: to Mark and to his own self. Jackson slid his hand down toward Mark’s inner thigh, rubbing up along the inseam. Mark stole a glance at him before turning back to face the road.

“Jackson…” Mark’s tone was warning. He didn’t know where this was going, but he was already wound up under the teasing touch. Had it really been that long?

“How well can you drive?” Jackson challenged.

Mark grinned. “Pretty damn well.”

Jackson’s hand moved all the way up into Mark’s crotch. He pressed down over the zipper, roaming around until he got some sort of reaction. He could feel the beginning signs of Mark hardening in his jeans with Jackson’s continued ministrations. Targeting the obvious ridge, Jackson squeezed around the expanding thickness. When Jackson scraped over what he assumed was the head of Mark’s dick, he felt the car lurch with excess acceleration. It made him smile, despite the danger—or maybe because of the danger. Jackson couldn’t feel Mark’s emotions, and Mark was refusing to allow any telling sounds or expressions surface. His eyebrows were tight, as all of his lucid focus was directed on the road. Thus, the car’s obvious reactions were a brilliant substitute.

Jackson counted the streets until his house, idly playing with the erection trapped inside Mark’s skinny jeans. When he didn’t want to push Mark any further by squeezing around what he could through the stiff fabric, he began drawing circles and swirls over the length. It didn’t do much, but it did make Mark shiver a little from time to time. 

Finally, they entered Jackson’s neighborhood, and Jackson thought that he was going to suffocate under the massive wave of nervousness that overcame him. Were they actually going to do this? What was he supposed to do? Having never done anything remotely sexual like this, Jackson was wholly unaware of the rules of the game. He didn’t know where he could push things. He had set out their boundaries, but he never truly knew the definitions of those borders in the first place. Now, he was craving for Mark’s touch, and he didn’t know if he would be able to stop.

Mark cut the engine and undid his seatbelt before Jackson could realize that they were stopped in his driveway. Mark reached over and tilted Jackson’s face toward him. Jackson saw Mark’s eyelids flutter shut, and then they were kissing. Jackson closed his eyes in tandem and melted under the gentleness Mark was showing him. He had expected a rough kiss, as an insufficient outlet to the trapped pressure in his pants. This surprise was… it was nice.

Mark’s hand drifted down Jackson’s face, trailing down his chest until it reached his belt. Mark pulled at it, dragging Jackson’s body closer. They were kissing in full sight of Jackson’s front door, and it was scary how easily they could get caught. However, Jackson wasn’t thinking about that. He was only wondering where Mark’s hand was going to go next, and it was only going lower. Mark’s hand dropped to the slight bulge growing in Jackson’s pants, and Jackson squealed.

“A-are you sure you’re okay?” Jackson asked in a flurry, trying to cover for the embarrassing sound that just came out of his mouth. He broke the kiss. “What with everything that happened with Brian?”

“God, you are bringing up all my problems today, aren’t you?”

“Still,” Jackson whined. 

“I know that you are two different people,” Mark punctuated the sentence with a chaste kiss. His lips lingered over Jackson’s for the next line. “I didn’t like Brian.” Another kiss. “I like you.”

That totally undid Jackson. He released his seatbelt and surged forward, leaning over the central console to seek more of Mark’s mouth. Mark was pressed against the door with Jackson kneeling over the center to get to him. Mark giggled at how forward Jackson was being. 

“Should we go inside?”

“It’s Saturday. My parents are home,” Jackson blushed. 

“Maybe you should’ve told me to drive you to my place.”

Jackson looked at Mark hopefully. “Can we still?”

Mark blew out a breath, shaking away the hair that fell into his eyes. He pushed Jackson back a little. “Tell me how far we’re going.”

“As far as it leads—.”

“No,” Mark stopped him. “I need to know so I won’t push you too far.” He didn’t say how it had depressed him last time to be denied from Jackson. It had crushed his pride, but it also hurt his heart as well. He was too vulnerable to Jackson’s whims with his chest wide open like this. 

“H-h-hand…” Jackson stumbled along the word shyly. 

“Hand, what? Just touching?”

“Handjob,” Jackson whispered like it was sin. “I want to get you off. I want to be able to do that for you.”

Mark sucked in a breath sharply. “Okay, yeah, sure. That’s great.” The awkwardness of his words echoed back into his ear. He cleared his throat. “Um, yeah, so let’s go to my place then.”

Jackson got back into his seat and pulled on his seatbelt. His heart was pounding as Mark backed out into the street. He kept his hands to himself during the ride, but he was itching to just touch all over Mark, to feel his heat under his fingertips. However, he restricted himself to only leaning against the windowsill so he could watch Mark drive. The focus in his gaze was thrilling. More thrilling was when Mark’s eyes would flicker over to him and a smile would naturally tug at his lips. He looked truly happy. Jackson only wished he could feel the facets of this emotion coloring Mark; however, he knew that might mean losing Mark again, so he was glad spontaneous wishes never came to fruition. 

“We’re here,” Mark said as they slowed to a stop. 

They got out of the car, and Jackson surprisingly felt less anxious than he had earlier. In his own territory, there was an expectation for him to lead. Now, he could depend on Mark. He followed Mark into his house, walking a step behind him. 

The gap between the mood in the car and that of the present was strange. It was like they were planning a meeting, and Jackson didn’t like that. He liked everything to play out spontaneously. Now, it was no different from the hookups Mark arranged to pass the time. 

“Should we watch a movie?” Jackson piped up as he took off his shoes at the front door. 

“I thought we were going to—,” Mark met his eyes and abruptly stopped talking. He seemed to change his mind. “Sure, whatever you want.” 

They went to the living room. The television there was a hundred times larger than the little thing in Jackson’s room, and he felt massively inferior. He sat in the middle of the too-large couch, sinking into the plush material. Mark pulled up Netflix and began scrolling through the titles. He sat down a seat away, at the end of the couch. 

“What do you want to watch?”

“That one,” Jackson said randomly. 

“Are you sure? It’s a kids movie.”

Jackson looked at the screen, for the first time taking his eyes off of Mark. “Oh, shit. Wait, I’ve already watched that one. Do the one next to it then.”

Mark clicked play. “Do you want popcorn or anything?”

“We just ate, so no…”

“Okay, then why do you look like you want something?”

Jackson jutted out his bottom lip. “I want you to cuddle me.”

Mark snorted. “Come here.”

Mark sat against the corner of the couch and pulled a leg up so that Jackson could lie in between his thighs and against his chest. When Jackson was settled, Mark wrapped his arms around Jackson’s waist. Jackson leaned back, and he felt Mark’s nose in his hair. Then there was suddenly a soft kiss being pressed into the crown of his head. Jackson blinked slowly, contentedly. 

“I didn’t expect you to go out today,” Mark said softly through the opening credits.

“I thought I should do something instead of wallow at home alone while you went on your date.”

“You know, you didn’t have to defend me from Yugyeom. I don’t want to ruin your friendship. I know he’s important to you.”

“I don’t want to pick favorites,” Jackson turned his head to look at Mark, “but I think you know who’s mine.”

Mark nosed down to get a kiss out of Jackson at that comment. 

“And I wouldn’t wait half an hour with awkwardly empty dishes for just anyone. Jaebum was so done with me. I felt kinda bad for the wait staff. They kept coming back, but I insisted that I was still working on the pieces of melted cheese on my plate.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Mark laughed. “But I’m happy you were there.”

“I know. Who else is going to protect your ass?”

“My ass does not need protecting.”

“Oh, right. That’ll be my ass from your di—.”

“Stop _talking_ ,” Mark interrupted, totally scandalized. Jackson knew it was more out of embarrassment than annoyance, though. 

“But really, I was worried about what you would end up doing to Yugyeom. I knew you were fine.”

Mark snorted at Jackson’s obvious attempt to inflate his pride. “Let’s just watch the movie.”

So Jackson wordlessly agreed. He shifted his back up against Mark before settling down. Through the whole introduction sequence, Jackson ran his hands up and down Mark’s thigh. When he ventured a little deep, Mark would squirm behind him. Then Jackson would press back with his butt. When he finally felt a reaction nudge into his back, Mark realized at the same time. Refusing to lose at this game, Mark’s hands around his waist pressed down on his hips, riding the V-line of his pelvis. Jackson jolted at the touch, as it struck a sensitive nerve. 

They had stopped paying attention to the movie a long time ago. Both were so focused on pushing each other’s buttons without actually making any explicit contact. Jackson shifted so that he could tilt his head to the side to kiss Mark. Closing his eyes, his tongue flicked out into the kiss. His eyes flew open when he tasted metal. 

“Are you sure your lip is okay? You’re bleeding again.” 

“I’m not going to die from a split lip. It’ll heal eventually.”

“Should we not kiss then?” Jackson asked timidly.

“I promise I don’t have AIDS.” Mark saw the serious look on Jackson’s face, and his joke broke. “But if it makes you uncomfortable, then we don’t have to. It’s totally up to you.”

“I… I want to, but I don’t want to hurt you,” Jackson said, and the look on his face was so adorable that Mark had to bend down and kiss him again. 

“It doesn’t hurt,” Mark murmured as he kissed him. “Trust me. This feels a lot better.”

Jackson got up and spun around so that he was hovering over Mark’s form. Supporting himself with an elbow on the back of the couch, he tilted Mark’s face up to meet his. He kissed Mark lightly, feeling the butterfly brushes of his lips. Mark’s hand drew up to Jackson’s hip, resting over the bone. That helped Jackson gain confidence. He slowly lowered his body so that he was straddling Mark. Then he finally dared to align them so that his crotch would rub into Mark’s. 

Though he didn’t feel any reaction from Mark at first, as he deepened the kiss, Mark began shifting underneath him. Jackson hummed when Mark’s leg dug into him. He had clutched onto Mark’s shoulders to stabilize himself, but now that he was more than secure sitting on top of Mark, he moved his fingers up into the little hairs lining the nape of his neck.

“Can I?” Jackson breathed.

Mark was shocked back to the present and didn’t know what Jackson was implying, but he nodded anyway. He was pretty much down for anything at that point. The guy he liked was on top of him, trying to get in his pants. He really had nothing to complain about right then.

Jackson sat back. He directed all of his focus on his hands that were unbuttoning the front of Mark’s jeans. Jackson made Mark lift his hips to pull down the denim. Then, staring at Mark’s legs, he realized that he needed him to get up to take off his underwear as well. Jackson’s gaze lingered on the thickness pressing up into the front of the fabric. He figured he could play it off like he hadn’t forgotten about this crucial step. 

Jackson dropped down between Mark’s legs. He rubbed over Mark’s length, marveling over the amount of width that spread over his palm. Jackson toyed with the waistband, and he saw Mark’s stomach tense. He snapped down the band, and Mark’s erection popped out at his face. 

Jackson gasped. “Oh my fuck.”

Mark sat up, thinking that there was something wrong. The skin of his belly wrinkled cutely. “What?”

“You’re huge. What the fuck?” Jackson exclaimed.

“I… what?” Mark was flustered by Jackson’s outburst.

Jackson looked down at the _thing_ lying in front of him, curved up to Mark’s stomach. It wasn’t anything like a third arm, but compared to Mark’s skinny figure, it looked absolutely massive. Jackson had a general idea about Mark’s size from playing with it through the material of his jeans, but the actual sight of it in his face was startling. Jackson had fantasized about sucking on that, on putting it inside his ass. Now, he was beginning to doubt that was even possible. 

He recalled how he had tried to low-key interrogate Mark about his dick size back when they were working on their English project on Mark’s bed. 

“I know you said you weren’t small, but didn’t you imply that you were average?”

“Is this the first time you’ve seen another dick in person?” Mark asked blandly. 

“Well, yeah, but—.”

“I promise you’re exaggerating.”

“But—!”

“Get up,” Mark ordered, and Jackson sat back up onto his haunches. “Let me see you.”

Jackson startled, embarrassed. “Well, now I’m—.”

“I won’t judge you.”

When Jackson still didn’t move, Mark leaned forward. But Jackson quickly covered himself. 

“What if you get turned off?” Jackson said in a rush.

“I see my own dick all the time. I won’t be disgusted.”

Mark pushed Jackson’s hands away to snap off Jackson’s button and unzip the front. Mark’s hands were cold against Jackson’s clothes-covered skin. He dug into Jackson’s pants to pull out the obvious erection tenting the fabric. Jackson shuddered when he felt Mark’s hands on him. 

“Come closer,” Mark said. 

Timidly, Jackson crawled forward. He pulled his pants down as Mark got rid of his boxer briefs in the meantime. Half suspended over Mark, he let his cock hang down so that the tip brushed against Mark’s. The touch against the head of his dick sent a shiver down his spine. Jackson let out a heavy breath.

“See, look,” Mark said, equally breathless, but he tried to retain his logic. “I’m not that big.”

Looking down from a distance, Jackson did have to admit that Mark wasn’t _that_ much larger than him. However, in proportion to Mark’s form, he was really something. 

“It’s still really impressive,” Jackson said.

“Thanks,” Mark replied with enough sass to show that he didn’t really believe it. 

Jackson finally tore his eyes away from Mark’s dick and looked into his eyes. Mark was staring back up at him. His hair was messed up against the arm of the couch where he was lying. His lips were pink from where Jackson’s had been pressed up against. His oversized shirt was scrunched up his body from where Jackson had pushed it. The entirety of his form was written over with Jackson, and he was beyond pleased. 

Jackson surged forward for a kiss. At the same time, he finally mustered the courage to reach down and grab around Mark’s base. Mark’s leg twitched underneath Jackson at the sudden contact. Jackson squeezed as he pulled up toward the head, and then he stroked back down. 

Mark’s hand trailed up Jackson’s thigh, aiming to reciprocate the attention. However, Jackson stopped him by catching his wrist. His grip was sticky, but Mark was more concerned with Jackson’s abrupt action.

“Don’t.”

“What?” Mark asked, offended at being refused. “Why not?”

“You’ve never touched a guy before. I… I don’t want to turn you off,” Jackson explained timidly. 

“I don’t think you’ll turn me off,” Mark attested.

“But do you know?”

Mark could not answer that. The times that he viewed porn, he never focused on the penis. When he scanned across gay porn, he was horrified, thinking that he would have to bottom. Even since Jackson had reversed their roles, Mark hadn’t gone back to study. The reason: he hadn’t had any time alone to watch anything. Embarrassingly, the last time he had jerked off, in Jackson’s shower last night, was the first time he had in weeks.

After Mark had remained silent for long enough, Jackson used his free hand to tug his boxers back up. 

“Hey—,” Mark began to complain.

“It’ll be better for you this way.”

“But I just saw your dick, and I didn’t get any less hard, right?” Mark pointed out. Jackson unconsciously tightened his grip around Mark just to see. It was true. “And what’s so different between me seeing you and me touching you? I’m not so naïve as to not know what’s happening right now.”

But Jackson was obstinate against Mark’s reason. “Please, just let me do this,” he whispered. 

Mark sighed, collapsing back against the couch. “Fine, go ahead.”

Jackson resumed his ministrations, sliding up and down Mark’s length. He spit, aiming down at Mark’s erection. Once the saliva hit, he palmed over his head with the slickness. 

“Nngh!” Mark actually cried out at that, his entire body jerking up into Jackson. “St-stop, that’s really sensitive.”

Jackson grinned, satisfied with this new information. He returned to stroking along the length. As his hand moved, he leaned back over Mark to kiss him lazily. He let his mind blank, focusing only on Mark’s reactions underneath him. He didn’t know what he was looking for, but there must be signs, right?

Soon, Mark’s breaths quickened, and Jackson reached lower to massage over his balls as well. Mark tensed under the touch.

“Is… is it good?” Jackson ventured between kisses.

“P-put yours and mine—ah—together,” Mark blurted out. 

“What?” Jackson tried to ask, but Mark was suddenly touching his cock over his underwear. 

Mark grabbed at the member, teasing it with clumsy grappling. Mark caught Jackson’s bottom lip between his teeth to distract him. At the same time, he tugged Jackson’s briefs off and yanked his hips down. Thrown off balance, Jackson fell onto Mark. He barely stopped himself from colliding into Mark’s teeth, but he didn’t have time to figure out his lip situation when his exposed cock ground against Mark’s inner thigh. Jackson attempted to stifle a moan into Mark’s cheeks. Needless to say, it did not work. 

Mark’s left hand came up to guide Jackson’s head toward his for a kiss while his other wrapped around both their lengths. He groaned as the pressure returned. The sensation of another dick rubbing against his wasn’t anything particularly special. However, the very idea that it was Jackson who was panting over him, that it was Jackson’s hand that came to encircle his around their dicks, was enough to toss him over the edge.

Mark’s hips jerked up instinctively, trying to get more friction out of Jackson’s body. Jackson, in turn, ground down harder. Soon, they were moving in some strange synchronization. Their hands interlocked, they were moving their hips more than their fists. Jackson fucked into their grip heatedly, thus sliding hotly against Mark’s cock as well. Their foreheads were pressed together, long having given up trying to match the movement of their lips too. Mark’s eyes were open to whatever part of Jackson’s face was in focus. His breath fanned out over Jackson’s skin then returned to his own nostrils. They were panting together, sharing the same air, as Jackson let out little moans to show that he was close. 

Jackson thrust his hips against Mark harder and faster. The movements were manic, and Mark felt himself slammed into the couch armrest with every wave. Jackson began moving his hand as well, adding to the intensity. Mark’s fingers curled into Jackson’s shoulders, his knees lifting to dig his heels into the couch for easier range of movement. 

Jackson wanted to hold out more for Mark’s sake, but his body was already buzzing with the need to cum. Jackson’s voice broke under the pleasure of orgasming with another person. The first spurt shot out, spraying across Mark’s stomach and onto his shirt. However, in the moment, neither noticed the trajectory. 

Needing a last resort switch, Jackson fitted his thumb over the head of Mark’s cock and rubbed in soft circles as he continued to thrust into the ring of their hands. It was already growing oversensitive for him, as he shuddered with every thrust of his hips. He hid his head in the crook of Mark’s neck out of shame, but he couldn’t mute the moans leaving his mouth as he sought a reaction out of Mark. 

Finally, Mark’s legs around him squeezed, and the coil snapped. Mark’s entire body jerked up into Jackson’s hand, releasing into the space between them. Mark gasped loudly. Then, as Jackson continued to milk the rest out of him, his pants turned into whimpers, and Jackson had never heard anything sexier in his life.

Mark let go of Jackson’s hand when he was exhausted of his reserve, and Jackson released his hold around Mark and his own spent cock as well. Jackson collapsed into the small gap between Mark and the back of the couch. He fitted in snuggly, invading Mark’s bubble. 

“That was amazing,” Jackson said first. He folded his hand that was covered in semen into a fist so that he wouldn’t dirty Mark’s couch. Curious, though, he opened his fingers a little, quietly observing where their two fluids had mixed together. 

Mark used his own dirty hand to link onto Jackson’s. He twisted his neck a little just so he could reach over to kiss Jackson’s forehead. Jackson smiled at the silent gesture, understanding that Mark felt the same. Satisfied that he got his point across, Mark rested back and bumped their heads together. They waited until their breathing evened out, and the heated arousal settled into general attraction for each other.

“We have to clean up,” Mark groaned after a while of their silence. He started to get up, making Jackson fall deeper into the couch now that he didn’t have a Mark pillow. “Our hands are starting to stick together.”

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Jackson said.

“Okay, but it’s all over my shirt. And I like this shirt.”

“What’s more important, me or your shirt?” Jackson pretended to whine while he sat up from Mark’s side nevertheless.

Mark just rolled his eyes. Then, seeming to get an idea, he tore his shirt off over his head and smacked the front of it right into Jackson’s face before Jackson could jump back out of reflex. The chill of the drying fluids stunned Jackson in place. Mark let the material fall off naturally, revealing Jackson’s scrunched up face with their collection of semen plastered in random areas. 

Jackson opened his eyes slowly, still disbelieving what the fuck had just happened. He stared at Mark in utter confusion.

“You always wanted to experience a facial, right?” Mark teased. 

“Not like fucking that.” Jackson snorted, but he was unable to stay mad at Mark for long. He wiped a bit that threatened to drip down into his eye from his brow. Honestly, he was more surprised than anything. 

“I’ll give you a good one later,” Mark promised.

Jackson’s head jerked up like a conditioned dog. His eyes widened at the implication, and a little jolt traveled down to his dick as well. However, Mark was leaping off the couch and running away with his clothes before Jackson could respond.

“Race you to the shower,” Mark said in a sing-song. 

Jackson perked up at the challenge, bounding after Mark like his life depended on it. He chased Mark up the stairs and somehow managed to tackle him to the ground once they reached the second level. They wrestled around, mostly undressed (Jackson was still in his t-shirt, surprisingly), until Jackson pinned Mark down with his larger form. He looked down at Mark, but the urge was too strong to resist. He kissed him deep, just for a second, before he was flying off toward the bathrooms again. 

The trick had made Jackson win the race, but he ended up letting Mark into the shower anyway. They washed each other off, rubbing away the stickiness. Mark especially helped with washing Jackson’s face and hair after what he had done to him. However, that didn’t mean he had stopped laughing about it.

“You look ridiculous,” Mark giggled. 

“And whose fault is that?” Jackson complained.

Mark pouted. “Don’t tell me you’re angry.”

“And what if I am?” Jackson said, but he was smiling, unable to help himself. It was so obvious he wasn’t upset.

“Then… how quick is your recovery time?” Mark asked. Before Jackson could answer, Mark was reaching between them. He rubbed at Jackson’s soft cock until life returned to it. He grinned up at Jackson. “Wow, you’re fast. Youth is nice, isn’t it?”

“You’re only a few months older than me,” Jackson grunted, knees growing a little weak with how Mark seemed to know the perfect pressure to unravel him. He clutched onto Mark’s shoulders to steady himself. It wasn’t long until his legs were shaking trying to keep himself upright.

The heat of the shower condensed into a thick humidity between them. Mark’s kisses were wet against his slippery skin. He trailed down Jackson’s jaw to his neck. He gave little nibbles here and there, and Jackson never knew his neck would be so sensitive. His skin tingled in expectations of contact, but then he jolted when Mark landed somewhere completely unexpected on his throat. Gasping, he felt that it was hard to breathe with all the water vapor in the air. 

Jackson grappled for Mark’s head, bringing him up into a kiss. He breathed into Mark’s mouth, lost for any other type of air. 

Mark’s fist twisted along Jackson’s length, and the feeling was addictive. Jackson urged him to continue doing that, begging right into his ear as he moaned loud enough for the sound to echo around the bathroom. Then he was ejaculating into Mark’s hand. It was weaker than the first time on the couch, but the jolts through his body were just as powerful. 

When they got out of the shower, Mark gave Jackson his clothes to wear. They toweled off and changed in the same room now that there was no reason for them to hide their bodies. Jackson tried to avoid staring at Mark for too long because he didn’t want to get hard a third time. He pulled up Mark’s pair of sweatpants, adjusting the drawstring.

“Damn,” Mark murmured from across the room. “Did you feel this way when I wore your clothes? Because god fucking damn.”

“It feels like I’m really yours, right?” Jackson smirked. “Yeah, I felt it.”

Mark leapt over his bed to get to Jackson. Jackson took a step back when Mark jumped at him, but Mark was already reaching through the distance. He cradled Jackson’s face in his hands. His thumb brushed over Jackson’s cheekbones. He let their noses brush together for a second before placing a gentle kiss against his lips. He wanted that to be true so damn bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe this wasn't the facial you expected :p Hope it was still good though ;)
> 
> Somehow this feels like the end of an arc? A lot of things have happened in the time that has passed since the beginning. I want to write more here, but I'm sleepy and can't really think of much else to say. Thank you all for the support and love <3 We're almost at 100k words!
> 
> Also, I tried drawing one of the scenes in this chapter... I'm just starting, but lmk what you think. Honestly faces are awfully hard  
> https://www.instagram.com/p/BjAuwlohAIp/?taken-by=caelestria_0904


	14. Froid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [ _fr._ ] froid ( _adj._ ) cold

_When can I be yours?_

The words startled Jackson out of his sleep. He woke to gray morning lights and Mark’s hand in his. He rolled over but found Mark still sound asleep. He touched his own lips in some sort of daze, wondering if he had said the words aloud. Half asleep, there was really no way to tell if such a thing had happened.

Jackson plopped back down onto his side of the bed. It was too early to be thinking rationally.

Although Mark had promised Jackson something better than smacking a dirty shirt in his face, nothing had happened afterward. That night Jackson had tended to Mark’s face, making sure that it wouldn’t bruise and scar from Yugyeom’s punch. Thus, he ended up sleeping in Mark’s bed. He cuddled up in Mark’s arms until they both got too hot and rolled over to their respective sides of the bed. It became a habit. When morning came once again, they would roll back into each other’s arms. Jackson seemed to like waking Mark up with kisses. 

 

Sunday came and went like this. It was peaceful, and nothing really happened. Except, with that, there came its own problems. Without addressing the elephant in the room, a new anxiety arrived. They both liked each other, but then, so what? Somehow, neither of them spoke about what happened, about how Mark no longer had anything holding him back. It was a waiting game to see who would bring it up first. That person would be the one to decide their fate. However, neither had the nerve.

Christmas came and left. Jackson had half-expected something special to happen that day, but he was left disappointed. Mark couldn’t even spend the night. Upon notice that his family was back in town, Mark had departed immediately to see them. Yes, Jackson had to accept the fact that Mark had a family that was different from his own. And yes, Jackson should be happy that Mark was actually spending time with them for the holiday. However, he couldn’t help feeling a little lonely without him. He cherished his own family, but, with how abruptly Mark had left, Jackson just felt that something was missing. Jackson had stayed up the whole night waiting for Mark to return to him, but he only got a text from Mark saying that he couldn’t sneak out that night. So Jackson slept alone… ‘slept.’ The time apart should have been healing, but neither was in a comfortable enough state to let the distance do anything positive.

 

The next day, Mark returned early in the morning with a little gift for Jackson. There was a subdued air around Mark, but Jackson hadn’t been keen enough to spot it. If he had possessed his ability, then maybe the extra relief in Mark’s smile upon seeing Jackson’s face would have given it away. But Jackson was still recovering. Thus, he hadn’t thought to ask how Mark’s time with his family had been. The gift was also a large distraction.

“What’s in it?” Jackson asked, eyes more on Mark than the present in his hands. Having just woken up, he was still dressed in his fuzzy plaid pajama pants and slippers, no shirt.

“It’s really not much, but uh, just open it,” Mark insisted, sitting on the edge of Jackson’s bed nervously. He focused his gaze on the present, afraid to look up at Jackson’s expression or his shirtlessness.

The small box was inappropriately wrapped in birthday gift-wrap. Jackson tore off the paper to find a character ring of Squirtle. Jackson’s first reaction was to put it on.

“Ah!” Mark stopped him by holding down his hand. “It’s meant for kids, so I don’t think it’ll fit your fingers. I just saw it at a street vendor in town and had to buy it. I don’t know if you ever played Pokemon as a kid or anything, but I just thought its expression reminded me of you.”

Jackson grinned, sensing Mark’s nervousness. He made sure to sound as genuine as possible. “Thank you,” he said, “for thinking of me.”

“I think I think of you too much,” Mark replied, tilting his head to the side.

“Ah fuck, but I didn’t get you anything!” Jackson exclaimed. He leapt out of his bed, scanning his room for something last minute.

Mark’s hand slid into his. “Calm down. You didn’t have to. I’m not expecting anything.”

Jackson groaned, slumping back down onto his bed. He let his head fall onto Mark’s shoulder. He felt so stupid. He had been awake all night, thinking about how lonely his day had been, and yet he had neglected to be proactive and get Mark a present. In fact, he had spent his time trying _not_ to think about Mark so much.

“How about this,” Jackson toyed with an idea in his head while his fingers slid along the ridges of the plastic ring Mark gifted him. “Let’s go to an arcade today! On me.”

“Is this…” Mark’s voice dropped, “a date?”

“Oh…” Jackson paused for a second too long.

“No, it’s too soon, right? We still need to talk things out first and all that?”

“Yeah,” Jackson said solemnly. “Maybe next time. For now, this is just your Christmas gift. An experience!” He plastered on a bright smile. “Let’s not let today go to waste!”

 

They spent the better half of the day trying to beat each other’s high score and accumulating points. For the last game, Jackson took Mark to the clichéd claw crane to win Mark a plushy. Confidently, he asked Mark which one he wanted. Mark pointed to the Pikachu, and Jackson inserted his coins. However, no matter how Jackson swung his crane, he couldn’t grab onto the flimsy tail. It didn’t help that Mark was laughing at him the entire time. On the third try, Jackson accidentally snagged onto the butt of a puppy plushy. Figuring that this was all or nothing, he maneuvered the crane up and dropped the dog down the chute. It almost tipped over the ledge, but it went in and down to the opening at the front. Sheepishly, Jackson picked up the toy and handed it to Mark.

Laughing, Mark didn’t even take it. He nudged Jackson out of the way and stood before the machine. He inserted his coins and started up the crane. Jackson’s hand dropped to his side as he watched. Mark expertly wove the claw around the other toys and grabbed the one he was after. He dropped it into the chute. Mark bent down to grab the Pikachu plushy. 

Mark held out his hand at the same time he directed the Pikachu to Jackson.

“Trade,” he said simply.

“But—,” Jackson tried to complain, still keeping the puppy toy close. 

“It’s something to remind me of you.” Mark reached down to hold the puppy, subsequently grabbing Jackson’s hand with it. He gently urged the toy out of Jackson’s grip and placed the Pikachu into Jackson’s now free hand. Mark held the puppy to his chest. “And this will remind you of me.”

“This isn’t fair,” Jackson said, staring down at the toy. “I was supposed to get _you_ a gift, and now you’ve gotten me another one.”

“Buy me ice cream and we’ll call it even,” Mark smirked. He didn’t stop touching Jackson’s hand even though they were in public. Some younger kids were stopping to stare at them, as they were backlit by the glow of the claw machine. Yet for that one moment, Mark didn’t seem to care. When they turned to walk over to the food courts, however, their hands naturally fell away.

Just that much was enough though. Jackson took them to the ice cream stand, and Mark was on his tiptoes trying to decide on a flavor. Jackson paid as promised and afterward managed to steal a kiss from Mark that tasted like strawberries.

 

 

The rest of the week had passed since then, and it was Saturday again. Jackson had his duffel bag packed, ready to get picked up by Jaebum for their annual cabin trip. Since last year, their parents stopped tagging along with them, and the excursion became more of an excuse to drink than anything wholesome. Jackson carried his duffel bag down the stairs, waiting by the front door on his phone. Jaebum texted him that he was outside, and Jackson yelled his goodbyes to his parents. Halfway out the door, his mom and dad ran out to smother him in kisses before he could get away. Jackson, laughing, really didn’t mind the affection. Jaebum even got out of the car to greet them.

Finally able to escape, Jackson put his duffel bag in the trunk and slid into the backseat. 

“You’re making me feel like a chauffeur,” Jaebum complained, looking at him through the rearview mirror. “You know you’re still in charge of directions even though you’re back there.”

“I know! I just don’t want to leave Mark out.” Jackson bounced excitedly. They hadn’t brought a new addition to their trip in years. Since they added Bambam and Yugyeom to the duo, it had always been the standard four. This weekend, there were two more. “Hurry! Let’s go pick him up!”

“I swear if you two try anything back there while I’m focused on the road,” Jaebum left his threat unfinished. 

“No way am I letting you see Mark like _that_ ,” Jackson waggled his eyebrows at Jaebum in the mirror. Jaebum glanced up and back just in time to see it. He pretended to make gagging noises in response.

“Oh, last Saturday, thanks for paying, by the way,” Jackson said. “What ended up happening? I never asked.”

“I made Yugyeom apologize to the staff, and then we paid and left. I left a damn good tip too. You owe me. Or Mark does, actually.”

Jackson leaned forward, grabbing onto Jaebum’s headrest. “Hey, play nice. We’re all going to be stuck together for the weekend.”

“I know. You told me off at the dance,” Jaebum reminded. “And I already told you I really didn’t mind him. That was the truth.”

Jackson pursed his lips. “Do you think everything is going to be okay with Mark and Yugyeom together? I mean, his face healed fine and everything, but…”

Jaebum sighed. “Hani kept trying to convince him that it wasn’t Mark’s fault after you guys left, but she never ended up telling him the truth. I haven’t talked to him since, so I don’t know where they’re at now.”

“They aren’t going to be okay, are they?” Jackson asked rhetorically. “Anyway, I can’t believe you knew this entire time and didn’t say anything… Oh, turn right here.”

They got to Mark’s house, and Jackson didn’t have time to ask Jaebum about Bambam’s decision to invite Felix. He figured those kinds of questions could be saved for later.

Instead of texting Mark to come out like a normal person, Jackson ran out of the car to ring the doorbell excitedly. He bounced on the balls of his feet, partially from impatience, partially because it was freezing outside. He pulled the collar of his winter coat further up. When Mark finally opened the door, a smile split Jackson’s face instantly.

“I asked you to text me when you were near.” Mark yanked his small suitcase over the doorway. “Oh shit. It’s cold as a motherfucker. Why are you waiting outside?”

“I wanted to see you first,” Jackson pouted. 

“You saw me an hour ago. I just came back to pack because you told me at literally the last minute.”

That was true, Jackson had to admit. When they woke up together, it was another one of the peaceful moments when there was no alarm to get up and go somewhere. They had what felt like the entire day to themselves. Mark awoke first, and Jackson rolled over to see him as he opened his eyes for the first time that day. Mark had ruffled his hair as he pushed his head away, telling him not to look at him like that. So Jackson only snuggled deeper into Mark’s chest instead, naturally. He wanted to stay like that for the next hour, maybe until the next day, but then his phone alarm went off. Groaning, Jackson had flipped over to shut the thing off, but in doing so, he saw the accumulation of texts from Jaebum reminding him to get his ass ready for today. That was when Jackson’s daydream of a week sleeping with Mark crashed into itself, bringing everything to a halt. 

So Jackson had looked up at Mark hopefully, asking if he was free that weekend. Mark said sure, and Jackson laid out the situation. Except, he hadn’t told him that Yugyeom was going to be there too. Or Felix. When Mark left his house in a rush to get ready, Jackson stared after him, feeling guilty. He really should have told him then, but now they were all packed and ready to go. How could Jackson bring it up at this point?

Jackson led Mark to the car and helped him get his suitcase into the trunk.

“This totally negates why you had to sit in the backseat the entire ride here,” Jaebum said as they were getting into the car.

“Maybe I just didn’t want to sit by you,” Jackson joked. He met Jaebum’s glare in the rearview mirror. “I’m kidding. I love you. You know that.”

Jackson heard Mark shift beside him on his right. He glanced over and saw Mark tense under his gaze. He lifted his eyebrows at Mark, but Mark just shrugged it off and refused to look back at him. Jaebum began driving again, and the rumble of the engine overcame the silence. Jackson peered over at Mark a second time, but Mark still wasn’t looking. Could he do it? Jackson extended his hand in Mark’s direction slowly. He let his fingertips brush against Mark’s as if asking for permission. The touch caught Mark’s attention, and he finally looked over. 

Jackson had his lip bitten between his teeth. Shyly, he met Mark’s eyes. Mark turned his gaze downward toward their hands where his own was partially clenched. He subtly flipped his hand so that his palm opened up to Jackson. Jackson took the invitation eagerly. He linked their fingers together over the distance of the middle seat between them. However, even that felt too far. Mark had already turned away to stare out the window, and Jackson only wanted to be close to him. 

Deciding on his own, Jackson jumped into the middle seat and leaned over the center console to turn on Jaebum’s radio with his left hand. Jaebum glimpsed down at him but returned to the road. So Jackson scrolled through the radio channels with his non-dominant hand in order to keep holding onto Mark with his right. Finally landing on a pop channel that wasn’t on advertisements, Jackson collapsed back into his new seat in the middle. He put on his seatbelt to secure his position. 

Mark glanced at him like _could_ you be any more obvious? Jackson only shrugged. He leaned back, getting comfortable on the raised bump of a seat. He tilted his head to his right, toward Mark.

“I wanted to be by you,” he mouthed under the cover of the music.

Mark rolled his eyes, but he squeezed Jackson’s fingers tight. He knocked his head against the frame of the window. Jackson figured Mark must not feel like talking today, so he leaned forward to converse with Jaebum as he drove. 

The drive was three hours. The worst of it was through unmoving morning traffic. However, once they got off the highway, the drive up the mountains was really nice. Jackson rolled down the windows to let in the fresh air. The chill of it burned his skin when he stuck his head out the window, but it was worth it. He couldn’t get enough of the towering pine trees as the landscape transformed into some type of winter wonderland. 

When Jaebum pulled up the dirt path to the quaint cabin co-owned by their two families, they saw that they were the first to arrive. Once they stepped out of the warm incubator of Jaebum’s car, they were slammed with the freezing mountain air. Jackson stuffed his hands into the pockets of his down jacket. He watched as Mark bounced on his heels like a bunny to warm up. Jackson had to look away to hide his smile—Mark was just too cute. 

They got all their stuff from the trunk, and Jackson ran up the porch steps with his duffel bag to unlock the door. 

Jaebum came up behind him, glancing at his watch. “Did Bambam say they were going to be late?”

Jackson wrangled the rusty lock until it would turn. It was probably partially frozen as well, given how stiff it was. Distracted, he read off the first memory that came to mind as he let the other two out of the cold.

“Bambam did say that Yugyeom had to stop by Mayflower to pick something up first.”

“Yugyeom is coming?” Mark’s voice squeaked.

“You didn’t tell him?” Jaebum nudged him.

Jackson whipped around, eyes wide and hands up. “I said it was the usual guys! I thought it was implied.”

“I thought you would realize that there’s shit between us. I’d really like a heads up next time,” Mark snapped, pushing past Jackson to get into the cabin. Jaebum quickly followed behind him, giving Jackson a telling look.

Jaebum led Mark to the room that he would share with Jackson, but Jackson didn’t know if he had the right to follow as well. He left his bag at the door and instead carried the groceries into the house. They had stopped to do some shopping at a local mart, and Jackson was so ready to heat up the grill tomorrow. However, that was hardly on his mind at the present. He mechanically shelved items into the fridge, his thoughts elsewhere. 

Suddenly a hand was stretching behind him and grabbing the carton out of his grasp. 

“The graham crackers don’t need to go into the fridge,” Jaebum remarked. 

Jackson stared at his empty hands before studying the box that was now in Jaebum’s. “Ah, you’re right. Thought they might get lonely in the cabinet though.”

Jaebum smacked his palm into Jackson’s forehead. It wasn’t hard, but it worked to make Jackson focus. “Go talk to Mark.”

“But what if he doesn’t want to talk to me. I never know what to do when he’s mad at me.”

Jackson recalled how Mark had avoided him for weeks after he had told him his secret. It had killed him to see Mark like that, to feel his emotions, but be unable to do anything about it. Even with his ability, he had no explanation as to why Mark had felt that way. Now, Jackson had no sense and no tell to Mark’s feelings. He was going in blind, and the fear of the unknown rooted his feet to the ground.

“Don’t think too hard about it. Just talk to him,” Jaebum consoled. “I’m sure that’s all you two need.”

Jackson pressed his lips into a wide grimace. “Okay.”

Steeling himself, he walked past Jaebum to the bedroom on the ground floor designated for them. Jackson knocked lightly before entering. He popped his head in before he dared let his body through the doorway. 

“Can I come in?” Jackson asked.

“Sure,” Mark said gruffly, not turning around from where he was unpacking his belongings. 

“I’m sorry,” Jackson said first, “for not telling you.”

Mark halted where he was anxiously arranging his toiletries. He set the bottles down. Gripping the edge of the dresser, he turned around. He bit at his lip uncertainly. 

“Does this mean that Felix is coming too?” Mark guessed.

“Yes,” Jackson let out as a whisper. 

“I’m not really mad at you. I just wish you had told me beforehand,” Mark said with a sigh. He turned back around, gathering all the bottles into his two hands to carry to the bathroom. “Do they know I came too? When are they getting here?”

Jackson tailed behind him anxiously, waiting outside the bathroom doorway as Mark set his soaps in the shower.

“Yeah, I sent it in our group chat after you left,” Jackson cringed even as he said it. He continued on quickly. “They left half an hour later than us, but I don’t know how bad traffic in the city would’ve been then.”

Mark walked past him to kick his suitcase shut. He whipped around to face Jackson. “So we have at least thirty minutes?”

“I… I guess. M-minus the time we spent shopping,” Jackson whimpered at the darkness that clouded Mark’s eyes as he regarded him. He took a few steps backward toward the main door to give Mark space.

“Do you think that’s enough time?” Mark asked as he crossed the room toward him. But then he just passed Jackson to get the door.

“F-f-for what?” Jackson stammered. His eyes tracked Mark as he shut the door quietly, and then he was flipping around on Jackson. Jackson looked up and suddenly found himself staring straight into the depths of Mark’s eyes. Mark’s hand came up to grip the back of his neck. Their faces aligned. However, he stopped there, as if asking for consent.

“What do you think?” Mark responded, and his breath ghosted across Jackson’s mouth. “We’re alone now.”

“I-I think, yes,” Jackson nodded along with his answer, head bobbing a little too excitedly.

Mark laughed at him as he tilted his head forward. “You’re answering a question too late.”

The words were hot against Jackson’s lips. Jackson closed his eyes and met Mark halfway. Mark’s hand moved up to cup Jackson’s head. Gripping over his ear, he pulled Jackson toward him, and Jackson fell like a magnet. 

Mark’s teeth came into play, and Jackson cried out as they bit into the tenderness of his lower lip. Jackson’s hands reached out to grip Mark’s hips. Mark pushed into him deeper until they couldn’t possibly get any closer. They were too close for air. 

Jackson pulled off first, trying to catch his breath. 

“What is this?” he asked softly into the harsh space between them. 

Mark’s lips trailed off, rough against his jaw. Not answering right then, he kissed into Jackson’s neck, and Jackson shivered at the sensitive touch. Mark suddenly bit into his delicate skin, and Jackson almost moaned in surprise. The sound choked in his throat, as he remembered that Jaebum was in the same building, but then he stumbled forward into the space between Mark’s legs. He quivered a second time as their belts aligned. 

“Ahhn,” Jackson moaned into the crook of Mark’s neck when Mark came up for air. 

Mark leaned back and his eyes were heated as he gazed upon Jackson. Tentatively, he pressed the start of his thigh deeper into the gap between Jackson’s legs. Jackson’s grip on his hips tightened. He turned his eyes up to Mark’s as if daring him to continue.

Mark’s hands trailed down to rest on the nape of Jackson’s neck. His thumb brushed against the red mark he left against Jackson’s skin. 

“Do you want to?” Mark breathed. “I won’t do anything you don’t like. You can lead.”

Jackson exhaled. Then he nodded shyly. Staring through his eyelashes, he couldn’t deny that he really did want to. So Jackson took the initiative. He stepped forward, pushing Mark back toward the door. He tilted Mark’s head up and kissed him deeply. He felt Mark claw at his back and shoulders, trying to pull him closer. 

“There is a bed, you know?” Mark whispered against his lips.

Jackson laughed breathily. “Don’t you think it’s more fun up against the door?” Smirking, he slammed Mark’s back into the wooden surface for extra impact.

Mark gasped at the collision, but a smile broke on his face when he saw the look in Jackson’s eyes. Tightening his grip on Jackson’s shoulders, Mark jumped up into his hold. Jackson caught him easily, sliding his hands along the curve of Mark’s backside to support him from underneath. From a heightened position, Mark gazed down at Jackson. He leaned forward until the tips of their noses brushed.

“Take me to bed,” Mark whispered. 

Jackson couldn’t say no to that. His eyes solely on Mark, he spun them around and blindly walked toward the bed. When he felt the mattress against the front of his knees, he gently lowered Mark. Mark felt himself fall backward, but he trusted Jackson to keep him safe. 

Jackson slumped onto the bed, over Mark, continuing where they had left off. For a second, Mark just lay there, staring up at Jackson. Jackson’s bangs were hanging down over his eyes, and he looked utterly taken by Mark. Mark’s eyes wandered down to the pink markings along Jackson’s neck. With a sudden boost of pride, Mark scrambled back up the bed, pulling Jackson with him by the collar of his shirt. Then, he yanked Jackson down and crawled on top. He sat over Jackson’s noticeable tent in his jeans, grinning like he was the king of the world. He rocked his hips back, letting Jackson rub against him, and Jackson bucked up involuntarily. 

Unable to take the scene in front of him anymore, Mark dove down for another kiss. His hands slid up Jackson’s shirt, in search of his nipples. He pressed his thumb against the nub, using his other fingers to massage into Jackson’s chest. Jackson tensed up underneath him, not used to anyone touching him there. 

“Sensitive?” Mark asked, laughing. This was turning into a game between them.

“Shut up,” Jackson mumbled. In retaliation, he jerked his hips up so that Mark would fall forward onto him. He caught Mark easily, holding him up over him. He stuck his fingers through Mark’s belt loops and dragged the front of their pants together. Jackson grinned at feeling how hard Mark was. 

They resumed kissing, adding grinding to the mix as well. Jackson’s fingers fumbled with Mark’s buckle, undoing the clasp. He paused for a moment to palm against Mark in his jeans, and Mark shuddered on top of him.

“Hurry,” Mark growled into his ear. 

Jackson jolted right into action. He unbuttoned Mark’s pants then pulled them as far down as he could, given their positions. He refused to let Mark move away from him, so his jeans really didn’t get that far. Their lips remained locked, and Jackson really didn’t know how he himself was able to focus on so many things at once. 

Jackson shoved his hand down the front of Mark’s boxer briefs, grasping a handful of his shaft. He grabbed at him, doing what he could to make Mark shiver given the awkward angle of his arm. Mark was panting into Jackson’s mouth, and they both had no explanation as to why Mark was falling apart so easily today. When Mark couldn’t pay attention to the movements of his lips, Jackson resorted to mouthing along his jaw. 

Mark’s head dropped into the crook of Jackson’s neck. Every part of their bodies was aligned. Jackson felt every quiver in Mark’s muscles as he reacted to his ministrations inside his pants. Mark’s boxers were getting soaked with precum, and Jackson had never felt anything sexier against his hand in his life. 

“Fuck, Mark,” Jackson whispered.

Mark could only groan at being taken so simply. Jackson kissed along the column of Mark’s neck, pushing him right up against the edge.

“Ah,” Mark moaned. Jackson felt Mark’s cock twitch against his palm. “Wai— wait, hold o-on, I’m—.”

A sharp knock banged against the door, shaking the thin walls. Jackson yelped in Mark’s ear, accidentally squeezing tight around Mark’s base and cutting off his flow. Mark bit his lip hard to keep any explicit sound from escaping. 

“Jackson!” came Bambam’s voice through the door, surprisingly clear. Jackson jumped up. His hand flew out of the front of Mark’s pants at light speed. Jackson’s erection had never shriveled so fast. “We’ve arrived!” A pause. “Are you not in here? I’m coming in then~!”

“No!” Jackson roared. Realizing what he had done, he tried to fix it. “I-I mean, no, wait. I’m changing!”

Jackson hopped off the bed, pulling Mark up with him. He dragged Mark, who was in a much worse state than him, into the bathroom. 

“It’s not like I’ve never seen you naked before,” Bambam pointed out. 

Mark’s head jerked up at that, but Jackson shook his head insistently. Not now. Oh god, Jackson’s heart was still beating so fast that it was going to shimmy up his throat and out his mouth. Jackson shoved Mark the rest of the way into the bathroom and shut the door. Then he went to open the main door a crack. 

“Uh, this really isn’t a good time,” Jackson said, making up excuses as he went. “I seriously need to take a shit.”

He poked his head out at Bambam standing in the hallway. Except, Bambam wasn’t alone.

“Okay,” Bambam threw his hands up. “You could’ve just said you were busy. I didn’t need the gory details. Let’s go back to the others, Felix.”

Felix shot Jackson an embarrassed smile before dropping his gaze back to his feet. As soon as they were out of sight, Jackson groaned and banged his head against the doorframe. Why couldn’t he just look out before saying all these wild things? Glum, he returned to retrieve Mark from where he shut him up in the bathroom. 

However, as soon as Jackson opened the door, Mark shoved past him. He stormed out of the room before Jackson could even react. It was when the room door slammed that Jackson returned to his senses. Confused, he ran after Mark and found him in the kitchen with everyone else. All of their eyes were directed at Jackson, and he had never been more self-conscious of how bewildered he must have looked right then.

“What happened to your shit?” Bambam asked cheerily. That boy really was shameless.

“I-it passed. Uh, Mark, I need to talk to you.”

Mark glared at Jackson but followed him into the hallway. When they stopped a good distance away, Jackson reached for Mark’s hand but the latter pulled it away first. 

“What?” Mark snapped.

“I’m sorry,” Jackson said immediately. He stared at how the rosiness from Mark’s cheeks had dissipated, as did the look of unadulterated want that had been there just minutes prior. 

“Okay?”

“We can’t do anything now since everyone’s here, but I promise I’ll make it up to you later tonight,” Jackson whispered. 

Mark only nodded that he understood, and they returned to the rest of the group.

 

It hadn’t made Mark feel any better that the marks on Jackson’s neck had already faded by the time they returned to the bright lights of the kitchen together. Afraid to hurt him, Mark had barely broken past the first layer of vessels. Now, he was experiencing the regret accumulated from his very own hesitance. Mark had never established a full claim to belonging to Jackson, and time had already run out. Felix and the rest were already present, waiting to bear witness. However, nothing had changed between him and Jackson. Just like before, everything was full cycle going nowhere. And everything going on between them could just as simply be a façade.

Mark wrung his hands anxiously, feeling dirty before all these innocent bystanders. When Jackson had shoved him into the bathroom, he had been so close to orgasm that he could physically feel the blood throbbing in his veins. Mark had clung to the edge of the sink, drowning out all the noises while blood rushed in his ears. He finished by himself, imagining it was Jackson touching him, pretending that Jackson wasn’t talking to another guy who had also seen him naked. Ashamed, he had to wash off the evidence alone under a faucet that only ran cold. 

Mark was fished out of his thoughts by a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s nice to see you again,” Bambam greeted warmly. Yugyeom was standing behind him, refusing to look at him.

“You too,” Mark said. “All of you.” He purposefully swung his eyes in an arc to meet all three’s gazes, including Felix. He was met with deadpan expressions. No matter how strong Mark liked to pretend he was, he had already faced too many disappointments in one day for his psyche to handle more. He was so close to tears that his eyes were burning.

Mark took a half step backward. “Um, I think I’m going to go get some fresh air. Excuse me.” He shoved past the trio and into the atrium. However, he could still hear the others in the next room.

“Fucking bastard, he really doesn’t have a right to be so mad,” Yugyeom was saying.

“Don’t say that,” Bambam chastised. 

“Why the hell not?”

“Mark is a good guy,” Felix asserted, and Mark was surprised to hear him speak up.

“You have no idea,” Yugyeom said anyway. “Until he steals away the person most precious to you—.”

“That’s really…” Jaebum interjected.

“Look, he started this whole thing with Hani and then just abandoned her. How heartbroken do you think she is right now? Now, he’s pissed at Jackson, and for what? I thought things would at least go well between you two.”

“I…” Jackson began.

Mark didn’t want to hear any more. He grabbed his coat off the couch where he hardly remembered flinging it and left. He slammed the door before anyone could stop him. Not that anyone was coming, anyway. Perhaps, though, all he really wanted was a hand to grab him, to tell him to stop running away.

But there he was again. In a different location, he was in the same place. His toes numbed in his shoes. It wasn’t long before his nose began to tingle against the frigid mountain air. It was December, and it certainly felt like it. Mark tried to pull his collar up against the sides of his head, but it hardly cut the wind chill. He didn’t know when he had stepped out of southern California and into Canada, but the weather was just unfair. It threatened to freeze his rebellion, telling him to return back to a house where he was unwanted.

Eventually, after a period of aimless wandering, Mark veered off the trail and into a clearing. The grass had frozen over with a layer of frost, and there was something ethereal about the area. The sky was a bright white, blending into the fence of trees with a rolling mist. Mark felt the fog begin to condense around his body like a cloud. He sat down against the roots of a tree. His coat was long enough to protect his butt from the dew. He folded his arms across his chest, protecting himself from the cold. He stared up at the crossed, naked branches above him. 

Trees had such a simpler life. They never had to consider moving away from where they were rooted. They always had a place, had a home. Today, Mark was reminded of how much chaos people could cause in his security of being. His eyebrows scrunched subconsciously as he recalled how easily Jackson had told Jaebum he loved him. When it came down to it, how easily Jackson had forgotten the truth as well, neglecting to tell Mark some very pertinent information. When Jackson hadn’t finished what they started, that was the last straw. Rationally, Mark knew Jackson had no control over that. Emotionally, he felt abandoned in an incredibly vulnerable state. 

It didn’t help that Mark was still traumatized by his Christmas alone in the company of his parents. With his father nagging about his lack of ambition for his future and his mother scorning him for not preparing for her four future grandchildren, Mark was at a loss for what he could do to appease them. Because he had tried, but it was never enough. He didn’t have enough soul in what his father considered to be a ‘man’s’ work. Apparently, he was too busy fooling around in a child’s paradise. So Mark did the only thing he could; he spent the day nodding in agreement, with no words on his tongue. 

All of these factors put Mark on the edge. He felt like he was hanging on a worn rope swinging over a cliffside. Despite how tight he was holding on, the clear view of the bottom made his throat run dry and his palms sweat. He wasn’t even sure he was acting like himself. He had too much to lose and wasn’t actively doing anything to attain it. He was stuck.

Stripped down and alone, he resorted to primal necessities. He returned to Jackson in that hope. It was good at first, but again, it was only that infantile paradise that his father spoke of. They had to return to the real world, with friends and acquaintances, with enemies and strangers. Mark had left Jackson a bit more disappointed. He only slipped further down that rope.

A tear rolled down his cheek, burning into his icy skin, and then it froze there, embedded as a reminder: he shouldn’t always depend on other people for his own happiness.

 

 

Jackson leaned over Jaebum’s shoulder as he cooked. He kept sniffing the steam coming off the beef frying in the pan and otherwise annoying him. 

“Get off me,” Jaebum finally protested, his limit breached. “Why can’t you go bother someone else?”

Jackson pouted, backing off to perch on the kitchen counter. “The younger three are playing outside, but it’s soo cold. I don’t understand how they can take it.”

“If you run around enough, I’m sure you’ll warm up,” Jaebum said blandly, clearly trying to get rid of him. 

Jackson refused Jaebum’s attempts, crossing his arms over his chest. He wasn’t quite ready to talk to those three again. After Mark left, Yugyeom was ready to go off on another rant. Jackson had to bite his lip so that he wouldn’t explode at Yugyeom. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he was so far removed from the situation that he didn’t have any right. He needed to tell Mark to talk to Hani about it. There was no way they could let this misunderstanding continue. Not only for the sake of Mark and Yugyeom’s relationship, but Jackson knew that Yugyeom was a good enough kid to feel guilty about portraying Mark like this in the long run. The longer they drew it out, the worse it would become.

Then, once Yugyeom snapped his jaw shut, Bambam continued on to question him about the nature of his relationship to Mark. 

“So are you two a thing or what?” Bambam asked bluntly—in front of everyone.

Yugyeom looked on distastefully, judging his romantic decisions like a stereotypical K-drama mother. Felix was more reserved than he should be. Jaebum couldn’t care less, now that no one was going to start throwing things in the kitchen.

However, Jackson couldn’t even answer. Because he still didn’t know. Since the morrow of Christmas, they hadn’t breathed a word about how they had technically gone on a date, in the most platonic of non-platonic senses. Throughout the week spent alone, their time together was suspended on a mutual silence. It was fragile, a cobweb thread hanging over a draft; it ready to disintegrate into nothing. 

What were they?

One would assume that they would have paired off as soon as Mark broke up with Hani, but it wasn’t that simple. Mark seemed to be waiting for Jackson’s word of ‘go,’ and Jackson was unsure of where Mark stood on relationships. With the silent promises between them, honestly, it felt more comfortable like just like this: unspoken. However, they were all passion and intimacy and no commitment. That’s what made their whole setup so flammable. Time was just ticking down until it would explode in their faces.

So Jackson evaded, and now here he was alone with Jaebum preparing supper.

“What are you doing?” Jaebum brought him back to the present. Jackson had been mindlessly toying with the vegetables.

“Let me help cook!”

“Do you remember what happened last time?” Jaebum crooked an eyebrow at him.

“I know… It was inedible,” Jackson mumbled. “But I’ve improved! I’ve been trying really hard. I wanted to be able to help my parents more.”

Jaebum rolled his eyes. “Is this for your parents or for Mark?” He didn’t wait for Jackson to answer. “By the way, where is Mark?”

“Oh, he hasn’t been back since he…”

“It’s been over an hour. Can you go find him? At least tell him we’re having dinner in thirty.”

“You just want to get rid of me,” Jackson said, nevertheless he hopped down from the counter. Damn Jaebum for knowing that Mark was the best motivation for him. 

“And I don’t want your ass by the clean vegetables I just chopped. Now go. Go find your prince.”

Jackson scampered off at that, blushing fiercely at the thought of Mark as royalty. However, he didn’t have to go very far to find Mark. As soon as he rounded the corner to the entryway, Mark was coming in through the front door. Jackson brightened at the sight of him.

“You know, Mark,” he said before Mark had even passed through the door. “You would look so good in a crown. Oh my god, and if you ever bleached your hair blonde, you could totally pull off playing some all-powerful European king.”

“What?” Mark asked, voice cracking from disuse. The look he shot Jackson was mildly annoyed.

Jackson paused, taking a second to take Mark in fully. The redness of Mark’s nose was startling against how pale his skin looked. There was pinkness around Mark’s eyes as well, and his lips were tinting on white. There was the faintest tremor in his hands as he took off his shoes. 

“Mark! You’re freezing! What were you doing out there?”

Jackson hurriedly took off Mark’s coat that was dripping water off the hem. He clasped his palms against Mark’s cheeks to warm them up. He pressed their foreheads together, trying to breathe heat into Mark’s body. However, when Mark stared up at him from that closeness in confusion, Jackson got embarrassed and flew backward. Trying to recover, he took Mark’s fingers and squeezed them between his own. 

“You didn’t even wear gloves,” Jackson chastised. “You could seriously get hurt being out there in the snow for so long without proper clothing.”

“I d-didn’t expect—.”

“And you’re shivering!” Jackson noticed as soon as Mark began speaking again. “Come on. I’m putting you in bed.”

“No s-seriously… It’s not—.”

“This isn’t a request.” Jackson looked at Mark with dead seriousness, and Mark couldn’t argue with the resolve in his gaze. Mark let himself get dragged down the hall and into their shared bedroom. Jackson sat Mark down in their shared bed and wrapped blankets around his shoulders. When Mark was properly cocooned, Jackson patted his knee and told him he’d be right back. Mark nodded, and Jackson was off. 

Jackson ran to the kitchen. Grabbing a mug from the cabinet, Jackson poured in milk and set it in the microwave. He bounced impatiently on his heels as he waited for the time to tick down.

“Didn’t I tell you to go find Mark?” Jaebum asked over his shoulder.

“This is for Mark.”

Jaebum turned around. “Only one?”

“Well, yeah, he’s one person.”

“No, I mean, like, you don’t want one too?”

“I don’t need one. Mark was out there in the cold all by himself. I don’t want him getting sick because of me. I was the one who dragged him all the way up here for the holiday.”

“I doubt he’d blame…” Jaebum left the thought unfinished. “Why was he outside for so long?”

Jackson shrugged. He hadn’t exactly given Mark a chance to give his reason; he was so worried about his health. Anything else hadn’t really passed through his brain.

“Do you think that—?” Jaebum began.

The microwave beeped then, a series of three shrill beeps that tore into their ears. Jackson rushed forward, knocking the spatula out of Jaebum’s hands. Jaebum yelled a curse, scrambling to catch it before it hit the floor. Jackson meanwhile grabbed the hot mug and set it on the counter, unperturbed. He mixed in a bag of cocoa powder until it was even. Then he tore open a new package of marshmallows and popped a giant one right in the center. He sprinkled a little cinnamon on top for extra measure. Satisfied by the presentation, he fled the kitchen with his little gift.

“If you aren’t going to hear me out, you could at least clean up after yourself,” Jaebum grumbled after him. Nevertheless, he was already moving to clip the bag of marshmallows so they wouldn’t get stale. 

 

Jackson held the mug out to Mark expectantly. There was practically a tail wagging behind him.

“What is this?” Mark asked.

“It’s for you. Don’t drink it right now though! It’s still really hot.”

Mark carefully took the mug from Jackson’s hands. He set it on his lap over the blankets. Jackson folded his now-empty hands in front of him nervously.

“You can sit down,” Mark offered. He shifted his feet so that Jackson would have room on the bed. Jackson took the vacant space graciously.

“Umm,” Jackson didn’t know what to say. “You’re okay, right?”

Jackson wanted to smack himself in the head as soon as the words were out. Sure, maybe he was a little lost in this situation, but couldn’t he have thought of better phrasing at least?

“Yeah,” Mark responded. He brought the mug up to his mouth, testing the temperature against his lips. Jackson watched in mild fascination. Finding it to be safe, Mark took a tentative sip. 

“Why were you…?” Jackson’s question got choked in his throat when he caught the look Mark set on him. There was grayness in there that Jackson couldn’t interpret. “Wh… what is it?”

But Mark only dropped his gaze to the marshmallow melting into the chocolate beverage and shook his head.

“It’s not nothing,” Jackson fussed.

Mark hid his face behind the mug as he drained half of it. When he lifted his head again, the emotion behind his eyes had dissipated. “Thank you… for the hot chocolate.” 

Jackson nodded. “No problem.”

Just then, there was a soft knock at the door. Jackson called for whomever it was to come in. The door opened slightly, and Felix’s head popped in. 

“Jaebum wanted me to tell you guys that dinner is ready in 10. And to come help set the table.” 

“Okay, we’ll be out in a few,” Jackson replied without ever really taking his eyes off of Mark. But Mark, staring down Felix like he was competition, did not notice.

Felix nodded once and quietly shut the door, vacating where he felt he did not belong.

Mark looked back at Jackson. “Aren’t you going to go?”

“I’m going to go with you. I’ll wait until you finish that.” Jackson gestured to the drink in Mark’s hands.

“You don’t need to wait for me,” Mark tried to brush off.

Jackson only tilted his head, trying to be cute. “If I wait long enough, maybe I’ll get a kiss.”

Mark scoffed, rolling his eyes, but the sentiment had made him smile on the inside. He quickly brought the lip of the mug up to his mouth to hide it. Setting the finished mug on the nightstand, Mark grabbed the front of Jackson’s shirt. Their lips crashed together, and Jackson had just snuck a tongue out for a taste when Mark was pulling back and getting out of bed. 

“Not fair,” Jackson pouted as he watched Mark pull out a sweatshirt from his bag.

“You left me on edge this afternoon. I think it’s plenty fair,” Mark said as he left the room.

Jackson was full of complaints as he stalked after Mark with his dirty mug. However, his grievances immediately turned PG when they reached earshot of the others. 

“You don’t hang out with me enough,” Jackson bemoaned. 

“I saw you every day over break,” Mark said without even turning his head. He entered the bright lights of the kitchen and transitioned seamlessly. “Oh, that smells really good, Jaebum.”

“Help me bring the dishes over, please,” Jaebum requested. He turned then and saw Jackson hanging in the doorway. “You, don’t just stand there. Help too.”

“Everyone’s so mean to me,” Jackson whined. He dropped off the mug in the sink and followed Mark to the plates steaming on the counter. Bringing them to the dining room, he saw that the younger three were already there, setting the table. 

“You guys are so slow,” Bambam said when he saw Jackson. “I’m starving.”

Jackson set the plates down and turned around dramatically. He rolled his eyes at Mark. “I get no break around here,” he proclaimed.

Mark giggled as he passed, but Jackson had to focus on returning to the kitchen to get the rest of the dishes. He didn’t have time to stare and appreciate how good Mark looked when he laughed. But Jackson couldn’t show that joy in his own expression either. He set his face straight as he entered the kitchen. Lips pressed together, Jackson had a grip on two plates when Mark came spinning into the kitchen. Mark landed a firm hand on the curve of Jackson’s ass, shocking him upright. He leaned into Jackson’s ear.

“I’m not giving you a break tonight either,” he whispered. “You promised me.”

Jackson gulped audibly. Mark’s voice was so loud in his ear that he was terrified Jaebum had heard. However, then Mark was laughing, smoothing out his tense nerves. Mark took the last dish and ran ahead of Jackson. He cast Jackson one last look over his shoulder, and Jackson knew he really was done for.

Yet, there was more beneath the surface than Jackson realized. Without his sense, he couldn’t pick up the subtleties of Mark’s threat. He couldn’t hear the begging nature of Mark’s words, the vulnerability. He didn’t understand why it was that Mark needed him there that night. He couldn’t see how much they both needed to sit down, sober and celibate, and just talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone for so long ㅠㅠ but I'm here now! I've been preparing a lot for this upcoming mini arc of sorts. It's a weekend trip~ I've cut out some of the angst, but it's still pretty heavy in this chapter, huh. It's been nice getting back into writing while I have free time now. All the fluff in the beginning was super fun too haha ;) (markachuu~)
> 
> As always, let me know what you think ^^


	15. Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's all fun and games...

Dinner was normal. Well, as normal as they could get, considering the composition of their group. There were five beers around the table, and the group was as rowdy as ever. Bambam was talking with food in his mouth for most of it. Yugyeom was laughing at him loudly. Felix got shy again, as Jackson noticed. He always seemed to get that way around the upperclassmen, but Jackson didn’t know how to resolve that nervousness. He did nudge Jaebum to be less intimidating-looking though.

Jackson also recognized the clear schism between Mark and Yugyeom. Neither talked to each other even though they freely conversed with others at the table. Surprisingly, Mark was even talking to Jaebum and Felix like they were good friends. Granted, his words toward Felix held a bit of a bitter edge. 

Twirling his fork between his fingers, Jackson tried to figure out a way to resolve this. He could discern that Mark was refraining from meddling in a conflict that was clearly between Hani and Yugyeom. Yet, he couldn’t have been pleased to sit at the same table with someone who had socked him in the jaw either. 

“Oh, Yugyeom!” Bambam shouted across the table, even though it was so unnecessary. “Show them what you picked up from school!”

“Ah!” Yugyeom got up to rifle through his backpack that he had thrown into the corner of the room. He pulled out a small drawstring bag. From within, he took out two seemingly innocent dice. Excited, he handed it to Felix first. “Try rolling them.”

Felix rolled them in a clearing on the dining table. “Blow… ear? This is what we stopped for?”

“Damn it. That one wasn’t even that good,” Bambam said, stealing the dice from where they landed. “But anyway, you get the idea.”

“Party dice?” Jaebum said incredulously. “You know I’m not kissing any of you fuckers.”

Felix’s eyes widened, just now understanding the implications.

“Don’t worry! If you want to opt out, then you just have to take a shot. Both parties,” Bambam explained the rules. “I thought it’d be fun for tonight. You know, start out with a bang, break the ice. Especially since we have two new faces here this year!”

“You’re going to make me drink my body weight in alcohol,” Jaebum sighed, rubbing his forehead. 

“Yeah,” Jackson said, side-eying Jaebum for support. “What if we have uh… romantic attachments?”

“It’s just a game,” Bambam said with a devious glint in his eye. “If you’re really uncomfortable with it, just take a shot. When we’ve all had too much to drink, we’ll stop the game.”

“Or we can stop when someone wins,” Yugyeom offered with a grin.

“How do you win?” Jaebum asked skeptically.

“You have to do a dare with each person at the table at least once,” Bambam laid out. “So if you forfeit, it doesn’t count."

“What does the winner get?” Felix asked, interested.

“A chance to do any one of the dares on the dice with a person of their choice,” Bambam said gleefully.

Jackson’s mind immediately jumped to Mark. With a game, maybe he would finally be able to touch him in front of everyone else. For once, they could be open. 

 

After a fierce battle of rock, paper, scissors, it was decided that Jackson and Felix were in charge of dishes. Felix groaned, falling back into his chair after losing against Bambam in the final round. He looked up at Jackson with innocent eyes, begging to see if he really had to. But Jackson wasn’t going to let him off easy just because he was younger. 

Jackson yanked Felix out of the chair and set him to work carrying dishes to the sink. Jackson gathered up the cups and returned to the kitchen to see that Felix had already begun soaping up the plates. So he went back to wipe down the table. He didn’t understand how the other guys could flee the scene so quickly when they were removed from responsibility, but the dining area was barren.

Suddenly, there was a crash and a sharp yell. Jackson turned back to see Felix hunched over the sink. He ran over instantly, grabbing Felix’s wrist. There was broken glass in the sink, and blood was dripping all over the basin. Gravity immediately overtook Jackson’s disposition. His medical instincts from playing sports all his life gained precedence. Running water over the wounds on Felix’s hands, he ignored how the younger squirmed in order to clean his cuts. Then he shut the water off and grabbed a wad of paper towels. He wrapped up Felix’s hand gently, patting away the water and blood. He told Felix to hold the pressure and ran to go find the first aid kit in the bathroom. 

On the way, he ran into Mark.

“What happened?” Mark asked as Jackson ran past him.

Jackson sped out of the bathroom carrying a box. “Felix got hurt.”

“How—?” Mark tried to ask, but Jackson was already gone.

Back in the kitchen, Jackson delicately removed the makeshift wrapping from Felix’s hand. Felix winced as the paper towels unstuck from the blood of his cuts. Heart sinking, Jackson realized that the wounds looked deeper than he had first feared.

“You’re going to have to be strong,” Jackson said softly. He took out the alcohol wipes, and Felix immediately groaned.

“Do we have to?” Felix moaned.

“You don’t want to get infected, especially all the way up here.” Jackson met Felix’s eyes. “I won’t do with my first patient having to go to an actual hospital.”

“Fine,” Felix grumbled, but he was blushing with how attentively Jackson was holding his hand. Even if it was only because he was bleeding everywhere. 

Jackson dabbed the damp alcohol wipe against Felix’s skin, cleaning the wound. Surprisingly, Felix barely made a sound. He must have been determined to be a good patient. Afterwards, Jackson dressed up the cuts with a bandage that he wrapped around Felix’s palm.

“Good as new,” Jackson proclaimed when he finished. 

He looked up then, but Felix was already staring at him hard. There was a steady intensity to his gaze that he had never seen before, and Jackson didn’t know how to read the situation. Without his sense, he was lost. He felt frozen in place, but he knew he should have taken a step back. Felix parted his lips then, and Jackson instantly knew what was going to happen.

Except it didn’t. Felix was the one who leaned back first. “Thank you, Jackson,” he said.

“No worries,” Jackson said, shaking his head. “I’m going to take care of the rest of the dishes. Try not to get the bandages wet tonight. I’ll come to help you brush your teeth and wash your face later. Anything you need.”

Jackson ushered Felix out of the kitchen. Felix tried to protest, but Jackson insisted that his wounds weren’t going to heal properly if he kept stressing them. Once Felix was out of the kitchen, Jackson turned around to grab a paper bag to dispose of the broken glass. He jumped when he saw Mark standing in the opposite doorway.

“Oh my god,” Jackson said, clutching his chest. “How long have you been standing there? You’re going to give me a heart attack!”

Mark shrugged. He was dressed in his oversized blue sweatshirt over skinny jeans. His clothes seemed to swallow him.

“How do you feel?” Jackson asked. He took the paper bag over the sink and began carefully picking up the glass shards to dispose of them.

“About what?”

“Do you feel fine? You aren’t getting sick, right?” 

“I’m fine.”

“What were you even doing out there in the cold by yourself for so long? I had no idea where you had gone. I don’t want to seem overly controlling, but really… If you had gotten lost…”

Mark came up beside him, taking the paper bag from him just as he finished. Mark rolled up the bag and set it in the trash. Jackson looked at him in marvel. For that second, they had seemed like two parts of the same machine, flowing together, reading each other’s intentions. Jackson was so taken aback that he didn’t notice how Mark avoided the question.

“Let me help with the dishes,” Mark offered. 

Jackson took a step to the side to give Mark room at the sink. They worked in silence. Mark scrubbed, and Jackson rinsed. They set the plates to dry on a rack. Afterwards, Jackson came over with a towel to dry Mark’s hands for him. He held Mark’s hands over the fibers of the towel. It created some sort of a barrier that made the intimate touch a little more okay.

“So,” Jackson began.

“So?” Mark asked.

“We have a game to play tonight,” Jackson stated.

“We do,” Mark affirmed.

Jackson cast his eyes up at Mark, wordlessly asking the question. Were they still on for tonight?

“Everyone’s gonna be up drinking for a long time.”

“I think they want to go hard tonight.”

“I really wasn’t going to drink so much anymore,” Mark sighed under his breath.

“You don’t have to!” Jackson insisted. “Don’t feel pressured into doing anything. I’d feel really bad if—.”

“No, if it’s just tonight. Or just this weekend. I just… I want us to have fun tonight.” And maybe that would keep Mark’s mind off of the trivial drama cropping up on his previously blissful horizon. He already let off some steam that afternoon. If he could just let go and have some fun, the night really shouldn’t be too bad.

“And about later tonight?” Jackson pressed, returning to his original point.

“Weren’t you supposed to help Felix tonight?” Mark reminded.

“Oh, you heard that?” Jackson felt his skin go prickly. The memory settled uneasily in the forefront of his thoughts. Hindsight left him lacking.

“He’s hurt,” Mark excused for him, as if that made it all right. It did, but that wasn’t the problem. “We can always move it to another night. We have the rest of break to spend time together.”

Jackson dropped the towel from Mark’s hands, releasing their connection. He hung it back over the handle of the oven. He didn’t enjoy feeling as if the moment he touched anything, it would disintegrate into sand. A monument of enormous beauty would crumble into a million different pieces, so delicate that even the slightest wind would end up blowing it all away. They had the time, but no matter what Jackson did, he could never make it to Mark’s side of the pond—not when the bridge under his feet was crumbling at his touch.

“Let’s go find the others.”

 

Time had passed faster than Jackson expected. As he looked out the window, he saw that the sun had been set for hours and darkness covered the world outside. It was like they were trapped in a snow globe with only the six of them sitting around a coffee table in the living room. Half on the couch; half on the carpet. Nothing else existed. 

There were six shot glasses distributed around the table, each filled with liquor. An empty beer bottle from dinner was lying on its side in the very middle. Bambam was explaining the rules again, and Mark was fingering through the dice options at his side of the table. Jackson watched him carefully from across the way. He had tried to sit together, but their timing was off. Other people filled in the gaps while he was too slow. Somehow he had ended up between Yugyeom and Felix on the floor.

“Okay, are we ready?” Bambam clapped his hands together excitedly.

“I feel like I need to be drunk before we start,” Jaebum grumbled.

“You had a beer with dinner,” Yugyeom pointed out.

“It wasn’t enough.”

Bambam ignored him. “Okay, so who’s going first?”

They played a quick round of rock, paper, scissors, and Yugyeom lost. Spinning the bottle, it immediately stopped on Bambam. 

“It’s fate!” Jackson cheered, rooting for their long friendship. He leaned over the table excitedly as Yugyeom rolled the dice. He could see across the way that there was a slight smile on Bambam’s face, but maybe it was a grimace.

The black dice landed on “ **suck**.” The white landed on “ **lips**.” 

Yugyeom groaned, trying to play the tough character. But then he was whining, “Do we have to?”

“You can drink if you don’t want to,” Bambam offered. He even lifted his glass to Yugyeom for show. “But it’s a bitch move to start the game with a cop-out.”

Yugyeom glared at him. He knew that Bambam was egging him on. “Okay, bitch, then come ‘ere.”

Bambam stood up from the couch, squeezing past Jaebum to get to Yugyeom on the floor. He grinned cheekily at Yugyeom as he waited for the younger to initiate the dare. Jackson bent around dramatically, getting a front row seat to the show. Everyone was in one way or the other leaning closer to see this exhibition take place. 

Yugyeom had his hand on Bambam’s neck, keeping his head still. Yugyeom took a deep breath before he leaned down and sucked Bambam’s bottom lip into his mouth. Jackson yelped vicariously, and Bambam shot back with a jerk as soon as it happened.

“Bastard, you bit me!” Bambam accused, wiping the spit from his lips and checking for blood. Though his cheeks were red with blush, Bambam didn’t leave his new seat at Yugyeom’s side. He continued nonchalantly, “Okay, so who’s next?”

They went around the table to the right. Jackson spun the bottle, and it landed on Bambam. 

“Oh, I’m so popular today,” Bambam bragged.

The dice, fortunately, were innocent. Jackson only had to reach across Yugyeom to Bambam’s place on the floor and blow on his ear. Bambam shrieked a little because it felt weird, and Jackson laughed at him for acting silly. Of course, it would feel weird. Then Jackson nudged Felix to spin. 

The bottle landed on Jaebum, and Jackson worried that Felix was going to be fucked over already. When the dice results came out, his prediction was confirmed. 

“Lick… thigh,” Felix said nervously.

Jaebum stared at the youngest hard, a drop of regret cinching his eyebrows together. “Drink, buddy.”

That was the first hard drink of the night. Felix’s face scrunched up with the taste, and Bambam handed him a bottle of soda to chase it down. Felix accepted it graciously. 

Then it was Mark’s turn. He leaned over to the table, and Jackson eyed how his back arched out as he did so. His fingers on the bottle were delicate, but then the bottle pointed to Bambam. 

“The bottle is cursed,” Jackson muttered, disappointed. 

“Or charmed by my good looks,” Bambam joked. “So, Marky, what are you gonna do to me?”

Jackson side-eyed him, and Bambam just shrugged back. It was as if he knew exactly what he was doing. Mark, on the other hand, wasn’t paying them much mind. He shook the dice in his hand before releasing them. 

“Bite thigh,” Jaebum read out where they landed. 

“Are you going to?” Yugyeom asked, his voice steeled as if he were testing Mark’s pride. Knife to his throat, Jackson saw Mark’s expression darken.

“Bammie, come back here,” Mark said, copying Bambam’s cooing voice from earlier. He patted the vacant couch cushion next to him. 

Bambam, excited for anything, hobbled over and plopped in between him and Jaebum on the couch. Jackson eyed the silken pajama pants that Bambam was wearing and wondered how this was going to go down. Sitting next to each other, it looked so easy for them to slip into each other.

“Over the fabric?” Mark asked as his body folded toward Bambam’s lap. They fitted together so perfectly that Jackson could tear his hair out. He really couldn’t help the jealousy that formed cotton balls in his windpipe. It was becoming hard to breathe.

“Sure,” Bambam smirked. “Try to leave a _mark_.”

Mark snorted at his lame attempt at a pun then bit into Bambam’s thigh. Bambam moaned at the sudden pain, and it sounded way too sexual for what it was. Jackson saw the wet crescent Mark left behind from his bite, but then Bambam took the liberty to pull his pants up to reveal the damage as well. 

“Not bad, not bad.” 

Even through the fabric, the indents of Mark’s teeth were clearly visible on Bambam’s flushing skin. 

“Stop showing off,” Mark grabbed Bambam’s knee. “It’s your turn.”

Jackson pursed his lips, unsure whether to be pleased or not. Bambam was right in one assessment, however. This game was definitely bringing them closer—for better or for worse.

Bambam spun the bottle next. It landed on himself. 

“Fuck this. Maybe it is cursed.” He moved the bottle to a different point on the table and went again. 

Jackson forced his eyes on his hands. He was afraid that if he managed a glance up at Mark, then he would let slip the jealousy burning a hole in his stomach. It wasn’t fair. This was just a game. The way that Mark overlapped Bambam’s body wasn’t even that intimate, but Jackson saw things in his head that he didn’t want to imagine.

Bambam ended up having to touch Jaebum’s neck, but, as extra as he was, he tried to tickle Jaebum in the process. Jaebum, not taking it, grabbed Bambam by the nape and tried to force his head down. Then it was Jaebum’s turn. He walked around the coffee table to kiss Felix’s ear. They both flinched in the process, and Bambam exaggerated an “eww” sound at the wet smack that resounded.

Now that they all had one round under their belts, there was less anxiety about the game. They had gotten into a flow, each curious about what was going to happen next. Jackson was still hoping to get paired with Mark, but the bottle gods seemed against him. Even Bambam was trying to cheer the bottle on, but that hadn’t worked—obviously. So the game continued as such. Yugyeom had to lick the shell of Jackson’s ear, and Jackson shivered at the cold trail of saliva that was left behind. Jackson touched Jaebum’s chest, giving his nipple a squeeze before he could get told off. Jaebum still cursed him out and tried to chase him out the living room. Felix blew on Bambam’s lips. Jaebum made Mark drink when he was dared to suck on his chest. Bambam touched up Felix’s thigh until the younger squirmed away laughing because it was too ticklish. Jaebum was dared to touch Yugyeom’s ear, so he pinched the younger’s ear until he cried uncle. Thus, another round was completed, and everyone’s face was a little red from laughing so hard. 

They went a few more rounds like this, and then the room fully loosened up. By now, they all had a taste of the dice’s options and of how far they were willing to go out of peer pressure. With a few shots in their stomach, they were less anxious about drinking more if need be. Jackson, so far, was the only one who hadn’t turned down a dare—because of his or anyone else’s forfeit. He was beginning to wonder if he should just for the sake of drinking. However, when they all realized that Jackson’s shot glass was still full, they pressured him to shotgun a beer. You know, ‘to keep it fair.’ He did it fine then wiped the foam from his lips. Then they continued the game.

Jackson lay on the floor on his back, waiting for the fullness in his stomach to subside. The carbonation from chugging a beer that fast was really something else. He was listening to everyone carry on in the game, but his turn hadn’t arisen yet. He heard Mark getting really into the game, yelling and gasping with the best of them (i.e., Bambam). Jackson figured Mark was picking up on Bambam’s excitement from the seat beside him and was happy that they were getting along so well. Really, he was happy.

“Oh— OH! Jackson! You were chosen!” Bambam burst out suddenly. 

Jackson sat up with a groan. “Yes?”

“Don’t tell me you were knocked out by one beer,” Yugyeom nudged from beside him.

“Shut up, man. I just feel super bloated right now.”

“I hope your stomach’s ready for what’s next.”

“What’s next?”

Bambam had his arm around Mark. “Come on, roll!”

Jackson met Mark’s eyes across the table, and then Mark let the dice fly. Bambam cheered when he saw what dare they landed on. Jackson’s gaze flickered to Felix for a second, but the younger’s eyes were downcast. Jackson felt flushed with what little alcohol he had drunken. It was probably mostly the anticipation, mixing with shy embarrassment. 

“Kiss, kiss, kiss!” Bambam was cheering. Even Jaebum looked a little more alive for this turn. 

Jackson could feel everyone’s eyes on them, but he forced it out. He looked only at Mark. He knew for this brief two-second affair, he had a lot to prove. He had to shut everyone else out, make Mark think only of him. He had to demonstrate how much their connection was worth.

They stood up over the low coffee table. Jackson reached forward to hold onto Mark’s hip. Mark cupped Jackson’s jaw. They flowed together, acting fast before their time was up. Their lips fitted into each other with practiced ease, and Jackson even opened his mouth up to where Mark flicked his tongue. Then, just as quickly, they were separating, and Jackson strangely felt the anxiety in his heart subside.

“Dude, I ship you two so hard,” Bambam said dreamily.

“Ugh, gross,” Yugyeom complained. Bambam shot out a long leg to kick Yugyeom under the table. “Ow!”

“Bam, it’s your turn,” Jaebum intercepted when Yugyeom was about ready to tackle Bambam off the couch.

“Oh, right!” He grabbed the fallen dice and rolled it. “Oh, fuck, oops. I should’ve spun the bottle first. Ahaha I guess I’m just gonna have to bite someone’s ass."

Yugyeom’s knee unconsciously jolted, rattling the table.

“I guess we have a taker,” Jaebum said, nominating Yugyeom with a hearty slap to the back.

“No, I never—,” Yugyeom complained, but even as he was speaking, the bottle that Bambam had spun while they were talking was coming to a stop at his chest. “Ah, what the fuck… seriously?”

Bambam’s eyes lifted with a mischievous glint. “Come on, Yuggie. Just pull down your pants.”

“No way!” Yugyeom shouted. He reached forward for his drink, but Jackson had caught the look that Bambam shot him. He grabbed Yugyeom’s arms and held them behind his back. 

Yugyeom quickly realized what was going on. He began thrashing his legs, and Jaebum rolled down from his seat on the couch to hold him down. Jackson crashed into Yugyeom’s back to turn him around. Yugyeom was belly first on the ground, ass up for Bambam’s taking. Over all the shouting, Jackson could hear the high notes of Mark’s laugh.

“No!” Yugyeom flailed around, but his limbs were secured by his upperclassmen. 

Bambam knelt over Yugyeom’s body, and he went still. Bambam pulled his pants down under the curve of his ass, leaving his boxers on, and bit into his flesh. Yugyeom squeaked a little, but he let it happen. Bambam stood, a proud grin lighting up his face. Then he caught Felix recording everything with his smartphone. 

“Hey! You were filming?” Bambam exclaimed. 

Yugyeom’s head shot up at that. He shook Jackson and Jaebum off and tackled Felix to the ground. Felix was laughing while trying to keep his phone out of reach of the taller boy. However, while they were both busy with fending off the other, Bambam snatched the phone up. He clicked play on the recorded video while Jackson came to watch over his shoulder. They re-witnessed Yugyeom get tackled to the ground and a nice zoom of Bambam going in for the kill. Bambam was balled over, cracking up watching himself emerging victorious from his dare. 

“You have to send this to me later!” he made Felix promise. 

Yugyeom simply sat back in his seat with a pout. “This isn’t fair.”

“You’re always gonna be our youngest,” Jaebum said, ruffling up his hair endearingly. “We do this out of love, honey. Otherwise, your height is going to get to your head.”

“I can’t help that I’m taller than you,” Yugyeom said snarkily, flashing his tongue. 

“You little—.” Jaebum jumped Yugyeom, tickling him while they both fell to the ground. 

“Jaebum, go roll,” Jackson said in order to save Yugyeom from his own mouth.

Jaebum went and drank with Jackson instead of kissing his ass. Jackson didn’t understand where this face of the dice had been hiding. Yet, somehow it felt like fate that the more buzzed they became, the more the game progressed with its dares.

Next was Yugyeom’s turn, and the bottle landed on Mark. Jackson heard Yugyeom curse under his breath and saw how Mark shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Yugyeom rolled both dice at once to shorten his sentence. The white dice landed on “ **neck** ” and the black dice landed on “ **lick**.” Yugyeom groaned, already getting ready to drink instead of walk all the way around the table to get to Mark.

“What,” Mark said abruptly, catching everyone’s attention. “Don’t tell me you’re going to chicken out now.” He stared Yugyeom down hard, and Jackson felt afraid _for_ the younger.

“Maybe I just don’t want to put my tongue anywhere near you,” Yugyeom snarled back.

“I promise I’m clean. If anything, this’ll let you get closer to your precious Hani.”

“You bastard, you knew this whole time, didn’t you?”

“Knew what?” Mark scoffed. “You didn’t even know. How did you expect me to? Didn’t realize until she was already taken, poor baby.”

Jackson’s head shot up, shocked. Mark shouldn’t be talking about things like this. What if he let it slip about his twisted relationship deal with Hani? He saw how the redness on Mark’s face bled down his long neck. 

“Mark, you’re drunk—,” Jackson began as Yugyeom cut in.

“You’re a big boy. Just take one more shot then you can call it a night, huh?” he said patronizingly.

Mark shook his head resolutely. “I’m not drinking anything. So you come here and finish your dare.”

“Fucking bitch,” Yugyeom muttered.

Mark’s eyes scoped Yugyeom out as he lumbered over to Mark’s end of the couch. He dropped down onto a knee, and Bambam leaned over to watch for proof of contact. As Yugyeom’s tongue tentatively shot out to Mark’s pale skin, Mark grabbed his head to keep him there. While Yugyeom was still close, he whispered something into his ear. As soon as Mark let go, Yugyeom shot back with a hand over his violated ear. 

Yugyeom didn’t say anything about what had transpired just then, but he was quieter for the rest of the night. 

“Yugyeom won just then, right?” Bambam said. 

They all looked among each other in confusion. Bambam must have been the only one keeping score.

“I don’t know. Let’s just keep playing,” Yugyeom grumbled.

So then it was Jackson’s turn. He spun the bottle, praying to anything that it would land on Mark. Instead, it landed on himself.

“Should I just make out with myself?” Jackson joked.

“Spin again,” came the general consensus, unamused by his joke.

“Tough crowd."

Jackson blew on Jaebum’s lips, to which Jaebum cringed wholeheartedly. His face scrunched up into a dried plum, and everyone was laughing. Felix kissed Yugyeom’s neck, leaving a small wet patch behind. Jackson noticed Bambam staring a bit too hard. After Mark rolled, he had to stop a tipsy Bambam from trying to lick his lips. All the while, he was laughing his head off. Then they both drank, the dare incomplete. Jackson watched on, a dead smile on his face, but he was glad of the implications. Mark didn’t take the dare; he chose to drink more instead.

On Bambam’s turn, the bottle pointed at Jackson. Jackson’s mouth twisted. Why couldn’t he be chosen one turn earlier? He would be more than happy to let Mark lick his lips. 

The dice landed, sealing his fate. 

“Kiss lips,” Bambam read aloud. He cocked his head at Jackson, but Jackson was already raising his glass.

“My lips are reserved for someone else,” Jackson attested before downing the harsh liquid in two gulps. He had seen what Mark had done for him. It would be ridiculous if he didn’t do the same. The difference was that Jackson had said the words aloud, stamping some kind of seal onto their flimsy letter. He paid the postage, and it reached its recipient.

However, Jackson was too busy to see how Mark’s ears had twitched at his words. His ability was too broken to detect how Mark’s heart had skipped a beat. Yet, the letter was received all the same.

“Fair enough,” Bambam shrugged and downed his second shot in a row. He pouted, “Why is everyone making me drink tonight?”

“You need to land on me or Yugyeom more then,” Felix piped up. “The single ones.”

The words would have been dry, awkward even, but Felix was too drunk to sound serious. Jackson was happy that Felix had finally spoken out so brazenly, but he was still afraid to look over at the younger. He worried what sort of expression he would find on his face despite the slur on his tongue.

“Soon not to be!” Yugyeom said adamantly.

“Or you need to stop being such a slut,” Jaebum cut in from beside Bambam.

“Hey!” Bambam cried out, only mildly offended.

Jaebum continued playing rather than listen to Bambam complain. They all knew he didn’t really mean it. The bottle went around the table, picking off its contestants. Jaebum blew on Mark’s chest over his shirt. Yugyeom drank instead of licking Jaebum’s chest. Jackson touched Felix’s butt with all parties consenting—it was over clothes.

Then it was back to Mark’s turn. His nimble fingers twisted the bottle, and Jackson stared at the turning glass with rising anxiety and expectation. He tried to use his mind to force the bottle to land on him. The bottle slowed, landing between Yugyeom and Jackson. Someone accidentally hit the table, and the bottle settled on Jackson.

Jackson couldn’t stop the grin from forming on his face as he met Mark’s eyes over the glasses. Mark wasn’t ready to look at him yet, but there was that small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He rolled the dice, letting them fall gracefully from his grasp.

The black dice landed on “ **suck**.” The white dice landed on “ **chest**.”

Their eyes met for a moment of mutual agreement. Bambam audibly gasped, sitting up on his haunches in his excitement. Jaebum snorted at the younger’s reaction. However, Jackson wasn’t looking at any of them. His eyes were on Mark as the elder crawled around the table, sitting in between Felix and him. Jackson pulled off his shirt in one swift motion, and Mark stared back at Jackson. 

Wide-eyed, there was a spark in Mark’s gaze. Jackson wished he could sense what it meant. Sitting on his legs, Mark grabbed onto Jackson’s shoulders. Jackson held his breath as he felt Mark’s lips press onto his skin, dangerously close to his nipple. There was a hard suck, the graze of teeth against him, and then cold air as Mark’s mouth left him.

“Is it bad?” Jackson asked, baring his chest to his audience.

“It’s definitely red,” Bambam assessed. 

Jackson peeked a little for himself then found his eyes wandering back to Mark. Across the table again, Mark looked smug. He was proud of himself, and Jackson let him. He pulled his shirt back on, however, for modesty’s sake. That, and he could feel Felix’s eyes burning into him. He didn’t like what he was doing to the younger, but he couldn’t help that this game brought out the PDA tenfold, between friends and potential couples alike. Yet, looking away like that, Jackson was hiding. Maybe a little selfish part of him was even glad that he couldn’t feel the burn of Felix’s innocent jealousy. He had enough of his own.

Bambam was leaning up against Mark to support himself, but he managed a moment of clarity to spin the bottle. It landed on Felix. 

“Looks like your wish came true,” Yugyeom commented.

“Not my wish,” Felix replied with a huff.

They were all waiting for Bambam to roll the dice, but Mark intervened with an arm across the younger’s chest.

“I think Bambam’s done.”

“Whaat? I’m not done. I’m fine—more than fine!” Bambam slurred out, but in the next moment, his head was rolling onto Mark’s shoulder.

“Yugyeom, help me take Bambam to bed,” Mark ordered. 

Jackson looked between them. There was a curious edge to Yugyeom’s demeanor, and Jackson desperately wanted to know what was happening between them. What had Mark said to have Yugyeom listening like a puppy?

Yugyeom got to his feet, a little unsteady, and picked Bambam up by the arm. Bambam stumbled into Yugyeom, and they both staggered over. It looked like the blind leading the blind.

“You know I’m straight, right?” Yugyeom mumbled over to Bambam when his hand accidentally fell on his ass. 

“I’m not coming onto you, you conceited prick,” Bambam threw back unfazed, but spanked him anyway. 

That had them both laughing, and Mark had to keep them from crashing into a wall on the way back to their shared room. As soon as they left, Jaebum ordered the remaining two—Jackson and Felix—to help him with cleaning up the room. Jackson made sure Felix was only doing easy work since he was more than tipsy and still injured. After the glasses were in the sink and the table was cleared off, Jaebum sent them off. 

Jackson brought Felix to the bathroom across from his room with Bambam and Yugyeom. Felix was leaning into him more than necessary. 

“Your toothbrush and stuff are all in here right?” Jackson asked. 

“Mm,” Felix nodded. His voice was deep, a little sleepy. “I can brush my own teeth.”

In the bright lights of the bathroom, Felix rubbed his eyes while Jackson prepared his toothbrush. He made sure Felix wouldn’t get his bandages wet while brushing. Once he was done, he spit and Jackson helped him rinse his mouth with a cup of water. Jackson even went so far as to clip up his bangs and help him wash his face. Afterwards, he gently patted his face dry with a washcloth. They were standing really close, with the open doorway behind them. Jackson was careful around Felix’s eyes, and he could practically count the individual freckles across his cheeks. 

In his mind’s eye, he recreated the confusion he had felt earlier when bandaging his hand. It wasn’t attraction that was present there. During the game, Jackson could see that the presence beside him on the floor hadn’t radiated the warmth that Mark did. If anything, what he had felt before in the kitchen was guilt. They were friends now, and he hated to show Felix this kind of normal affection when there was intent behind the other’s eyes. He couldn’t bear to lead the boy on in any way.

“Jackson,” Felix mumbled against the fibers of the towel.

Jackson brought the towel down. “What is it?”

“I really need to pee,” he said, his eyes drawn up like saucers as he asked with embarrassment on his tone.

“Oh, okay, I’ll let you do that alone.” 

Jackson hung up the towel and stepped out of the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He came out just in time to see Mark exit the room across the hall.

“How is he?” Jackson asked, referring to Bambam.

“He passed out holding onto Yugyeom’s hand, so I let them be. Yugyeom’s pretty gone too, considering he’s being so obedient.”

“Are you going to go to bed now?” Jackson tried to refrain from asking about what Mark and Yugyeom talked about. That wasn’t his business. 

“Yeah,” Mark’s hand ran down Jackson’s arm, pausing a bit at his hand before letting go. “You’re helping Felix right now, yeah? I’ll see you soon then.”

“Yeah, see you.”

Mark headed off first. 

The door behind Jackson opened, scaring the shit out of him. He clutched his chest, thinking that aliens had come with a bright light to abduct him, but it was only Felix. 

“Sorry, did I scare you?” Felix asked. 

Jackson was stunned every time. He couldn’t believe such a deep voice could come out of someone with such a cute face. Felix’s mannerisms were all so fluffy, but his voice was surprisingly manly. 

“No, it’s nothing. Are you all good for bed now?”

“Yeah, what time is it?”

Jackson checked his phone. “It’s past one.”

“Oh, Jesus.”

“You’re sobering up?” Jackson laughed. 

Felix rubbed at his eyes. “Yeah, something like that.”

They shut off the bathroom lights, and Jackson walked Felix the few steps to the door across. “Good night, okay? Try to sleep through whatever those two are gonna be up to.”

“Oh, god, are they really…?” he groaned.

“It kinda happens whenever they drink. It’ll be fine though. I heard Bam’s passed out for now.”

“So everyone’s asleep now?”

“Just about, or should be.”

“Listen, Jackson,” Felix said, taking a step closer. His eyes were huge in the darkness as he gazed up at Jackson’s face. They were barely illuminated by the light coming from the kitchen across the living room.

Jackson felt a shiver run down his spine. They were so close that it was a mimic of earlier. His brain was running on overdrive trying to find a way to evade. His eyes flicked down to Felix’s lips, then to his exposed forehead, then down the dark hallway. Although Jackson was lost without his sense, he didn’t need an instructional manual to read the frown on Felix’s face. 

“What’s wrong?” Jackson asked anyway. 

“I know that Bambam is really happy that you have a thing with Mark, but—.”

“But what?”

“It’s like he forgot what he had tried with us. When we met for the first time, he told me he was so happy after seeing us together. I don’t know if he told you the same, but didn’t you feel that?”

Jackson recalled when Bambam had set them up together. Felix was shy but cute. Bambam was as energetic as ever with the two of them. Jackson hadn’t felt anything special.

“I thought we could be good friends.”

“Yeah,” Felix’s face fell. “Then let’s. But just once? Can’t you give me something? A kiss, maybe. One, and I’ll forget about all this forever. I promise.”

“Do you really want a kiss just like that?”

Jackson could recall how he had refused Mark’s kiss outside their Winter Formal venue because he had believed Mark to be in a real relationship. Although it had ended up being a ruse, he was proud to stand by his decision. He wouldn’t change it. In fact, he was afraid that if he hadn’t set his morals straight that night, then they wouldn’t have achieved the mutual understanding that they possessed at that present day.

“It’s not like I have much else to hold onto,” Felix’s voice broke.

“You should still save your kisses for someone special,” Jackson insisted. He ruffled up Felix’s hair suddenly, establishing their friendship boundary. “Come on, get to bed now. This isn’t the end of the world. We still barely know each other. You’ll find someone that you connect to, that you learn to respect, that you come to love in no time.”

“Yeah,” Felix sniffled.

He hung his head and let Jackson pull him into a big hug. Jackson clapped his back a couple times then pulled them back. Felix offered a tight smile, saying that he was okay, then turned into his room. 

Jackson sighed when Felix was out of range. He rubbed at his temples with the heels of his hands. There was nothing to explain the sudden rush that he got when Felix looked up into his eyes. It was dangerous, and maybe Felix had more charm than he realized. Yet, that was insubstantial against the affection and contentedness he felt in Mark’s arms. It was a candle against a bonfire, and he was just a lowly moth seeking heat.

Suddenly finding himself alone in the dark, he quickly returned to that comfort.

“Jackson?” 

He heard Mark’s voice when he pushed open the door again.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, I was on my phone until just now.” There was a pause. “Come to bed.”

Jackson’s heart melted at how domestic that phrase was. He could already imagine cohabiting with Mark, sharing a bedroom and a bed. Perhaps on a busy night when Jackson has to stay up, he would tell Mark to sleep. However, Mark wouldn’t be able to sleep without him and stays up anyway. Then, as Jackson tries to quietly enter the bedroom, he hears Mark calling out to him in that same way. Of course, that was just a fantasy. In reality, they still weren’t officially anything, and Mark would likely be just as fine without him constantly there.

“I’m glad,” Mark said, cutting into the silence.

“About what?”

“That you didn’t kiss Bam.”

“Well, you didn’t either.”

“Still, I know you two are close, and you didn’t have to refuse. It was just a game. Everyone would have understood.”

“But you wouldn’t have,” Jackson gauged, and at the same time, he expressed his reasoning.

“Maybe you’re right.” 

Mark rolled over, taking Jackson’s body into his arms. They were decidedly done talking for the night. They still had steps to take, words to say. For now, they were both buzzed and tired. It wasn’t the right time. So they fell asleep, these crucial words unspoken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing that entire game was a trip wow
> 
> if you're curious about my writing process, i was originally going to put a hell of a lot more angst into that scene. it was this whole big thing that would have split mark and jackson up even more emotionally. but i felt that they've been through enough and they're at a point where they would genuinely _want_ to be honest with each other for the sake of a future together. just my two cents :)
> 
> as always, thank you for reading and hanging on~
> 
> (also all the silk shirts and choker/ribbons for the comeback are so dreamy *.*)


	16. Feel

The next morning marked the close of the year as they knew it. It was New Year’s Eve, and it was the brink of the start of something new. Jackson definitely sensed it when he felt Mark’s eyes on him. It was before dawn, and the room was dark. There was a tension in the air around them, something begging for change. Jackson would look across the room and catch Mark’s gaze, but then they’d both get embarrassed in tandem and turn away. It was about time.

The plan was to hike around the surrounding forest then come back to grill meat. Waking up early was painful, but when Jackson took a step outside into the fresh, crisp air, he hated his life a little less. Trekking up the mountain to the top was immediately worth the effort. The sun had just broken the horizon like a cracked egg, and the sky was streaked with yellow. As it was early, the others were fairly quiet on the way up. They hadn’t drunken so much that they were terribly hungover, so the exercise was good for straining out the last of the heaviness in their bodies.

The middle of their hike was perhaps the worst. They were sweating under their layers, and Jackson regretted not wearing a mask to keep his nose and lips warm. At one point, he was sure his eyes had frozen in their sockets. But then he blinked a few times consecutively and everything sorted out.

When they made the last few steps to the cliff at the top, they all dissolved to smiles. Bambam and Yugyeom were yelling excitedly, and their shouts echoed across the valley. Felix was smiling, his face glowing in the sunlight. Together, the three of them were hopping in a circle, half out of excitement, half to keep out the cold. Jaebum was panting heavily and partially collapsed at the edge. He sat with his legs crossed, arms splayed behind him, just watching the world below them in silence. All in all, it was a sight of pure joy. 

Jackson’s eyes, however, were only on Mark. Mark stood at the edge, a distance away from the rest of them. His arms were crossed, trying to protect himself from the cutting wind. Jackson came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his midsection. Mark jolted a little at first, but then he relaxed into Jackson’s body. He let Jackson support most of his weight so he could have a break from standing upright.

“Can you believe it’s almost the new year?” Jackson asked. He gazed out at the valley over Mark’s head.

“After midnight,” Mark nodded.

“We’re definitely drinking tonight.”

“After last night? That’s a lot…” 

Mark’s head was heavy with his father’s orders, telling him not to drink. Yet, after last night, could he really say he was upholding that promise? He could blame the rules of the game. He certainly did go in knowing that he was going to be coerced into drinking more than once. Maybe if he wasn’t attached to Jackson, then he could have avoided drinking altogether. None of the dares had come out awful for him, and he had never blinked twice at kissing a stranger. 

But what was the point in thinking about that? Giving up on his father’s suggestion to be with Jackson? Mark would do it again in a heartbeat. Therefore, those thoughts were neither this nor that. Yet, there was still that anxiety eating away at the lining of his stomach telling him to be a good son. Everyone grovels after acceptance; he wasn’t so different. Maybe if he began anew with the new year, then he could finally become the son that his father wished him to be.

“Yup. It’s really a surprise we haven’t all needed to go to A.A. yet,” Jackson was saying.

“Shut up,” Mark smacked the side of his head lightly. “Don’t joke about that.”

“You’re right,” Jackson rested his head on Mark’s shoulder. “Do you think it’s too much? You don’t have to drink if you don’t want to. No one’s gonna force you.”

“It’s… what everyone else is doing, right?”

“You don’t have to follow everyone else. Be your own person. If people try to judge you for it, I’ll protect you.”

_Be your own person._ Did that mean to not follow his dad’s advice? Advice that would mostly serve to help him in the career path that his dad set? Mark clung onto Jackson’s arms where they were wrapped around him. It was so ironic.

“I really shouldn’t drink this much if I’m going to keep modeling,” he said softly. “I need to keep my body healthy.” Mark sighed inwardly. He could really only go halfway. Standing up to his father was too daunting of a task. Trying to appease Jackson’s friends was nothing in comparison.

“Okay, then I won’t drink tonight either.”

“What?” Mark startled. “You don’t have to. They wanted to play more games today right? It’d be bad if you didn’t join them.”

Jackson pouted and made the sound effect for it too. “But it’ll be lonely if you’re the only one sitting out of the game. And being in a room full of drunk people isn’t fun.” Jackson could always tell when he tuned into the emotions of those who were the designated drivers of the night. There was always the boredom, the awkwardness, and the loneliness. He didn’t want those emotions to plague Mark while he was unaware of it and couldn’t do anything to help.

“If you say so…”

“Is this some kind of new year’s resolution?” Jackson asked, nudging for a peek into Mark’s mind. Obviously, without his sense, it was like smacking straight into a brick wall. Jackson would just come out of it with a bruised nose.

“Nothing that drastic,” Mark said immediately, shying away from the commitment. Signing away his life to this no-drinking pledge meant that he was signing away his soul to his father’s dream. Despite his fears of stepping out of line, he wasn’t quite ready to step in line either. “Just… let’s try to drink less. Protect our livers.”

“Sounds good,” Jackson cooed, nuzzling his nose into Mark’s hair to warm up. 

“Speaking of being healthy, we need to fix your sleeping schedule still,” Mark said, continuing their serious tone. “You still can’t feel anything from anyone?”

“Nope. I don’t know what’s happening.”

“If it still doesn’t come back, we may need to take you to a doctor.”

“And say what? Oh, sorry Doc, I had this superpower, but now it isn’t working. Can you fix me up?”

“Well, no, not like that. But we can go in for your sleep issues and hope that resolves something.”

Jackson lifted his head. He spun Mark around so he could look him in the eye. Mark stood, stunned for a moment. The cliff to his back, Jackson holding him up, he felt like he was going to fall. However, he stood still to listen to what Jackson had to say. 

“Mark, don’t you get it? I’m normal now.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Mark snapped.

“Don’t you like me better like this? I can’t tell how you’re feeling, and I won’t accidentally read into something I’m not supposed to know about. You have your privacy, and I’m not gonna be intruding on anyone else’s lives either.”

Mark huffed and crossed his arms across his chest. “But you’re so restless when you sleep. Even now, with me there, you always toss and turn. Sometimes you mumble something here and there. Maybe it wasn’t just me, you know. If this is something serious, then we need to go in and have a professional take a look at it.”

Despite the care that Mark was attempting to portray, however, Jackson had a disturbing apprehension that Mark still felt safer this way. Jaebum was right in that Mark tended to keep to himself. Jackson was definitely seeing it now. Even last night, there was a strange tension sleeping with them in their bed. Yet, Jackson was lost without a direction to nudge Mark into revealing at least something. What could he have said to further a subject he did not know?

Jackson could feel the others’ eyes on him when they all walked back down the mountain. He figured it was because of how obvious he was being with Mark. He knew it was about time to draw lines about what they were, but what time did they have? They were constantly around other people. Even when they were alone last week, Jackson was too scared to ruin what they were. They already had so much going; it was strange how terrifying it was to ask for commitment as well.

 

Returning back, they got right to grilling meat. They were all starving after the early morning hike. The smell was delicious, and the taste was even better. Mark and Yugyeom were forced to cooperate at the grill, and it seemed to work out all right. Well, as okay as it could have been. No one got burnt; no meat was thrown. There was a bit of yelling, but they quieted down when they noticed the others staring. Maybe last night had been therapeutic. 

Meanwhile, Felix had gone back inside to shower. Once he was out, Jackson was there to rewrap the bandages on his hand. No words were exchanged, and the air was thick. Jackson tried not to overthink it. He knew they just needed time to smooth everything over.

Back outside in the yard, they ate the grilled meat as it was served, cutting the fat with carbonated drinks. Once they were full, all they wanted to do was nap. So they retired to their separate rooms, each greasy and happy. Jackson fell asleep in Mark’s arms instantly. Subsequently, the softness of Jackson’s breaths lulled Mark to sleep as well. They woke up a few hours later to fading sunlight and slightly sweaty skin. It was pretty hot indoors to sleep in such close contact under the blankets. 

The heat was what woke Jackson. He lifted his head to gaze up at Mark, and his movements stirred Mark from his light slumber as well. It was as if their sleep cycles were aligning. 

“Morning, sunshine,” Jackson said. 

Mark just rubbed his eyes. “What time is it?”

“Almost five.”

Mark groaned, dropping his head back onto the pillows. “Do we have to eat dinner soon? I still feel full from lunch.”

“Me too,” Jackson mumbled, rolling onto Mark’s stomach. He held him tight around his waist with his face buried in his shirt. “Let’s just stay like this.”

Mark laughed, “For how long?”

“Forever and ever, as long as we can.”

“That’s kinda contradictory.”

Jackson was about to argue his logic when Mark continued talking. Jackson instantly terminated his nonsense to hear Mark speak.

“Why don’t we go for a walk?”

“Ooh, yeah. That’ll help our appetites.”

“I want to show you this place.”

 

The wind picked up while Mark pulled Jackson outside. They were dressed in their winter garb and thus protected from the cold. Jackson watched as sparse flakes of snow fell from the sky and dusted Mark’s hair white. Starting on the path away from the cabin, he simply followed as Mark led them through the forest. It was beautiful outside. There were patches of frost where the grass was frozen in time. The pine trees maintained their needles and towered high enough to block out the sun. Only, their branches were sparse and the light that filtered through was turning a pale golden hue.

At a point, the trail ran out and a small clearing fanned out before them. Jackson looked around, spinning in a slow circle. By the way the shadows fell, it seemed like the sun only fell on this one spot in the entire forest. The dewy grass shone like diamonds before them, and Jackson couldn’t imagine tarnishing the scene with his footprints. But then Mark stepped into the clearing, and he became ethereal. The sunlight bathed his entire being in an aura. It was like Jackson was seeing with his lost ability into Mark’s heart. Mark was surrounded by a cloud of golden dust, puffing out pink mist.

“You look like an angel,” Jackson said before he even realized he was speaking.

Mark looked at him in shock, not even uttering a sound because his vocal chords were frozen.

“I— sorry, that was sudden,” Jackson said, scratching the back of his head. He hadn’t meant to make his thoughts so public like that.

Mark shook his head, indicating that it was okay. He fished Jackson’s hand out of his coat pocket and held it. He led him over to the tree that he found the most comfortable and sat them both down.

“This is where I came yesterday when I needed to be alone.”

“Weren’t you cold?” Jackson shrieked. Even now, he was busying himself with making sure Mark’s coat was zipped all the way, that his collar was pulled up to protect his neck. As he squatted down beside Mark, he was still dusting the snow out of his hair.

“Jacks, just sit. Relax.” Mark pulled Jackson down by his elbow, and the latter fell against him. Jackson settled there, pretty comfortable at Mark’s side. He had his knees drawn up to his chest. Both facing the same direction, they gazed blankly out at the tree line as the sun set behind it.

“You didn’t tell anyone where you had gone. If you hadn’t come back when you did, I would have gotten really worried.”

“I was… thinking.”

“About?” Jackson asked, suddenly afraid. The mood was serious, and Jackson found it hard to swallow. His spit had coagulated to molasses down his throat. Were they finally going to have the talk?

Mark let out a sigh. Closing his eyes, he knocked the back of his head against the trunk of the tree. Not knowing what to say, Jackson sat and watched as Mark remained there with his eyes shut, his breath creating a fog past his lips.

“About you,” Mark said finally. “About us.”

“What did you figure out?”

Mark laughed bitterly. “Back here in this place? Absolutely nothing.”

“Oh,” Jackson said sadly, but then Mark’s head dropped onto his shoulder. 

“I really miss you sometimes,” Mark admitted. 

“What do you mean? I’m right here.”

“I know, but that’s what I was thinking when I was here by myself.”

“You said that you wanted time alone.”

“I wanted time alone from seeing you with other people. But I still missed you.”

“Other people?” Jackson asked. 

“Seeing you with Felix, for one. I know he likes you. Everyone knows.”

“I rejected him last night. Properly.”

“After bandaging him up and treating him so nicely? I’m sure he was heartbroken.” Mark took a second after to consider what Jackson meant. Now the latter was truly free of any obligation to anyone else.

“His eyes did seem a little swollen this morning,” Jackson considered.

Mark hummed some meaningless tone to say he was listening.

Jackson reached out then to rub Mark’s thigh. He gave him a little squeeze. “I’m here now though.”

“I felt that last night. When you said that stuff after you refused Bambam’s kiss.”

“Why would I accept Bambam’s kiss?” Jackson asked, laughing. He turned to Mark, making him lift his head. “When I have these lips that I can kiss?”

Mark turned away, embarrassed. “You know what I mean. And I know you said that I did it first, but you said so much more.”

“I wanted to. You get that, right?”

“Yeah,” Mark brought Jackson’s hand up to his chest. “Me too.” 

Jackson’s breath caught as he felt the warmness emanating from Mark’s heart. It burst through the bundling of his coat and extra layers; it was in his words. It lit a fuse, and Jackson couldn’t keep waiting any longer.

“If you’re ready, I’m ready,” he said.

“Ready for?” Mark asked, taken aback.

“Let’s go out,” the words flew out of Jackson’s mouth. Mark’s eyes were wide as he stared back at him. “You and me.”

“I know you mean us. There’s no one else here,” Mark slapped Jackson’s arm as his ears turned bright red. “I—.”

“Oh, wait, fuck!” Jackson interrupted. “Before you answer, there’s something I need to tell you.”

Mark’s expression froze. “Don’t tell me you… with…”

“No, no, no! I didn’t do anything with anyone else. I promise! Swear on my life. The one I like is still you and only you,” Jackson clarified before Mark even asked.

Mark leaned back from where he had been unconsciously leaning forward. He crossed his arms over his chest. “Okay, then?”

“I just want to be honest about everything stepping forward. This is something that I’ve been wanting to tell you for a long time, but somehow I just couldn’t find the right time. Then we were getting so sweet so often, and I couldn’t ruin _those_ moments, you know—”

Mark finally burst, “Jackson, can you please just like go, talk. I know you can ramble for ages, but I’m dying here.”

“Ah, you’re right, you’re right. This is just embarrassing for me."

“I won’t judge you.”

“Wait until after I tell you to say that.” Jackson took a deep breath to steel himself. “Um, it was so long ago. I don’t know if you’d even remember this.”

Mark shifted so that he could face Jackson as he talked. He leaned his head against the tree, and his bangs fell across his forehead. Out of nervousness, Mark began meticulously picking at the grass by the roots of the tree.

“It was when you slept over for the first time.”

“After the horror movie,” Mark recalled, nodding.

“And I woke up in the middle of the night saying that I had a stomachache.” Jackson waited until Mark nodded before continuing, “It wasn’t a stomachache. I didn’t have bad pasta.”

“What was it?”

“I… I got hard sleeping next to you. I had to, um, take care of it so that you wouldn’t find out.”

“So then…?” Mark said, trying to remember the details of that night. 

“I know I’m an awful human being, but I was so close. The dream I had of you was so vivid, and then I had gone so far already. Then suddenly you were there at the door too. I h-had my fingers—oh my god. I was in the middle of it still. It was so mortifying, but then I asked you to— It’s so terrible! I should have told you. I’m really sorry!” Jackson buried his face into Mark’s shoulder.

“Asked me to…? Oh.” The realization hit Mark. He remembered that night. After waking to a foreign and empty bed, he was immediately concerned that Jackson had gone off somewhere and was too scared of the dark to return. He had wandered around until he saw light coming from under the bathroom door. He had heard a groan from beyond the door, and he was first shocked back to the dream he had just awoken from. But then Jackson’s complaint of bowel problems had shocked him back to reality. 

Mark relayed the incident in its most PG version, “You wanted me to talk to you, and I told you about the dream I had.”

“I’m sorry for using your voice without permission like that. It isn’t right,” Jackson hung his head in apology. In doing so, he was made aware of the fact that Mark’s fingers had stopped moving. A pile of rootless grass sat dejected to the side. The remaining shoots were thankful, but Jackson wasn’t sure if he should be.

“You used… my voice?” Mark asked in disbelief. “How would that…? Did that… push you over?”

Jackson nodded, sullenly.

“Why are you apologizing?” Mark asked. “Come here.” 

Mark opened his arms to grant Jackson comfort. Jackson accepted it with every inch of his body. He fell into Mark, burying his face in his warmth. He lay face-first on Mark, wrapping his arms around Mark’s hips. 

“It was wrong. I— I used you without your consent.”

“It’s not any different from fantasizing. You had a sex dream, so it makes sense to relieve the pressure,” Mark rationalized. 

“You don’t mind?” Jackson exclaimed, dumbfounded.

“Honestly, maybe I should, but,” Jackson heard the lilt in Mark’s voice as he smirked. “That’s really hot. I wish I had known about it earlier.”

“If I told you earlier,” Jackson contested, “you would have been disgusted. You were so totally not into me at all.”

Mark hummed. “I’m not so sure about that one. If you really want to know, that secret spy dream bullshit that I told you—I guess while you were getting off—wasn’t the complete truth either.”

“No?”

“It was a sex dream,” Mark admitted, “of you. We had snuck into this evil guy’s giant tower to steal back an ancient artifact, and I fucked you over the windowsill overlooking the town.”

“Everything about that dream is phallic,” Jackson laughed breathily. His mind immediately attempted to recreate what Mark had conjured in his head. He wondered what it would feel like. With the cold stone of a windowsill pressed into his stomach and Mark’s heat against his back, he could already feel Mark’s hands all over his ass, spreading him open.

“Maybe I should have known then, huh?” Mark mused as if talking to himself. His hand started petting Jackson’s hair as he cradled his head. “After that, I couldn’t really stop having these insane dreams about you. It was crazy.”

“Um,” Jackson broke into Mark’s private thoughts. 

“What is it?”

“I-I can feel you… it’s poking into my stomach,” Jackson squeaked. 

“Oh, you can ignore it,” Mark said, trying to sound tough despite his embarrassment at getting caught erect. “We were sitting pretty close just now.”

Jackson lifted his head, staring up at Mark with his doe eyes. He pulled himself up a little, and Mark felt his dick get pressed under Jackson’s weight.

“Have you ever been blown in a forest?” Jackson asked cheekily.

Mark raised his eyebrows. “Are you offering?”

“Maybe.” 

Jackson tilted his head sweetly, but his eyes were intense despite the cuteness of his demeanor. All of Jackson’s focus was directed at him and his answer. Mark unconsciously chewed at his lip as the arousal caught him in his tracks. He was finding it difficult to turn away. 

“I haven’t. There aren’t many forests around where we live.”

Jackson got onto his elbows, using his hands to rub up Mark’s inner thighs. “Then there’s a first time for everything, right?”

“My balls better not freeze off.”

“I’ll keep you warm.”

When Mark agreed, he felt like a gun shot off at the start line. Jackson hurried to undo his belt, and Mark gasped as his skin was exposed to the frigid winter air. However, when Jackson’s hot mouth wrapped smoothly around him, the gasp turned to one of contentment. Mark’s eyes rolled back, shivering between the rapid transitions of cold then hot then back again. 

“I-is this not too fast?” Mark asked, a little belatedly.

Jackson shook his head. “Don’t think.”

So Mark let Jackson take him with his mouth for the first time. He watched as Jackson struggled with how much could fit in his mouth, then down his throat. It was a messy process, but Mark’s dick was getting a lot of attention throughout it all so he couldn’t complain. 

Jackson couldn’t say he really knew what he was doing. He understood the general motion from porn and basically tried to reenact that in his head. He wrapped his mouth around Mark’s cock, feeling the heat warm his cold lips. Bobbing his head up and down, he had his arms wrapped around Mark’s thighs, holding him. He was afraid to use his hands because they were much too cold. Mark, also, wasn’t really offering any verbal guidance. But whenever Jackson looked up to check, he seemed to be enjoying it. It should be okay, Jackson decided.

They continued as is. Mark let Jackson experiment with different speeds and pressures on him. None were particularly amazing yet, but Jackson was still learning. Mark ran his nails along Jackson’s scalp, pulling his hair, and Jackson moaned at that. Mark groaned in response, and Jackson picked up the speed. 

As Jackson felt his jaw growing sore, he tucked his right hand under his shirt. He squirmed at how cold his palm was against his stomach, but he bared it for Mark’s sake. He waited until his hand was warmed up. Then he took Mark’s shaft. Using his fist to cover most of Mark’s length, Jackson focused on sucking the head. He swirled his tongue around, utilizing tips that he had read on the Internet at weird hours of the night when he was thinking about Mark.

After more continuous motions, Mark’s fingers tightened. There wasn’t much of an auditory note of warning, but Mark was pushing his head off. 

“Jacks, let off,” Mark panted when Jackson didn’t budge. “I’m gonna come.”

Jackson made a sound of dissent, holding on tighter. Mark gasped when Jackson sucked harder, but he couldn’t get out of it. The only thing left to do was continue letting Jackson envelop him in the wet heat of his mouth. As his eyes squeezed shut, all of his senses focused on the feeling of Jackson swallowing around him. And then he was coming into Jackson’s mouth, and it felt fucking amazing. 

When Jackson pulled back, Mark saw the residual trails drip from Jackson’s mouth. He wiped the remains from Jackson’s lips with his thumb. He couldn’t help but think of how _good_ Jackson looked. Although Jackson was in a rather docile position on the ground between Mark’s legs, he still had enough fire to stand on his own two feet. He didn’t need anyone to support him, but he was asking Mark to do that all the same. It was an openness, a vulnerability. Though Jackson was talk-talk-talk, how many people did he truly let in at the end of the day?

“Thank you,” Mark said.

Jackson met Mark’s gaze and shuddered at the emotion in Mark’s eyes. There was a deepness in there that was new to Jackson. For sure, he had never felt it for himself. Thus, with Mark’s taste residing in his mouth, he seriously wished that he could have his sense back. 

Then he remembered why he was trying to keep it at bay. It was for the sake of Mark’s privacy. Jackson wished to do everything that he could to respect that. 

“You don’t need to thank me,” Jackson huffed. He got to his knees.

Mark zipped himself back up and pulled Jackson back down to rest against his chest, in between his legs. Jackson leaned his head back against Mark’s shoulder. Mark stretched his neck to kiss Jackson’s forehead as if slipping in a silent thank you. Jackson nuzzled into Mark in response, and Mark wrapped his arms securely around Jackson. 

They didn’t say anything for a while. Mark needed a moment to calm down, and Jackson was content in feeling Mark’s heat burn into his back. Slowly, without Jackson realizing it, Mark’s hand began sliding lower and lower. Suddenly, Mark was pressing over the front of Jackson’s pants, making Jackson jump in his seat. 

“Did that make you hard?” Mark whispered. 

“I was hard e-even before that,” Jackson nodded, a little lost for words when Mark didn’t stop rubbing over his jeans. 

“Do you want to get off?” 

“I don’t want to move,” Jackson said, cuddling into Mark harder. The odd position on his stomach and elbows while he had Mark’s cock in his mouth hadn’t been comfortable on his muscles.

“You don’t have to move,” Mark reassured. He opened up Jackson’s pants and slid his hand underneath the elastic of his boxers. 

His hand warmed up quickly in the incubated heat. He jerked Jackson off like that—simply and quickly. He held Jackson tight with his free arm and bracketed him on both sides with his knees. He kissed up the column of Jackson’s neck, noticing the little twitch in his cock when he targeted the pulse point on Jackson’s neck. 

From all the buildup while sucking Mark’s cock, it didn’t take long for Jackson to spill onto the grass in the space between their legs. He felt so dirty releasing in public where there were no walls to hide his vulnerability. He buried his face into Mark’s chest as he felt the jolts leave his body. When the sensation became too much, he nudged Mark’s hands off of him. Mark attended to him, wrapping his arms securely around Jackson’s middle. 

They calmed down together, breathing in the cold, thin air until their pulses dropped to normal. 

“Mark… there’s something else I have to tell you if we’re admitting everything,” Jackson whispered. He prayed that he wouldn’t ruin the mood, but he had gone too far to second guess everything. He had to get it all off of his chest before they could step forward in complete confidence. “Remember like a week ago when you jerked off in my shower?”

“How do you know that?” Mark jolted in mortification.

“You didn’t clean up… completely.”

When Mark realized what Jackson meant, he groaned. “Fuck me, really?”

“Anyway, I might’ve… ah, shit, this is embarrassing.” 

Mark’s ear twitched at Jackson’s tone. “Oh? You what?” he leaned down to murmur into Jackson’s ear, and Jackson had a pretty damn good idea that Mark knew exactly where this was going.

“I… got off to it, thinking about you doing it in my shower.”

Mark groaned a second time, but the intonation was different. “Stop being so sexy, please.”

“But it’s creepy!” Jackson attested. “If you think about it, it’s really—.”

“Listen, you weren’t stalking me, looking up pictures of me online to jerk off in your room in the dark. You weren’t recording me in class so you could get off to my voice. And I was even the one who got off in your shower first, thinking about you. I think we’re even.”

Jackson turned his head back to look at Mark, and his expression was sincere. Mark lifted his hand to Jackson’s face, feeling over the chilled skin with his cold fingertips. He kept Jackson still as he leaned forward. Their lips were cold against each other, but their mouths were hot. 

“Even, huh?” Jackson said when they pulled back. His eyes opened slowly to get a full view of Mark’s face. “Then will you take it, my offer?”

“What…?”

“Will you go out with me?”

Mark grinned then. In this field, Mark was just as inexperienced as Jackson. Although they both had some vague vicarious experience from watching romantic movies or consulting friend drama, in the end, they were equals. They both knew that they wanted each other, but just not how to get there. It would take work and they still had many blunders to face, but that was okay.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Mark answered.

“So, it’s just you and me. And only you and me.”

“Monogamy, yeah.”

“Is… is that okay with you?”

“Yeah,” Mark shrugged jokingly. “I can’t see myself needing anyone else for a while.”

“Guess I gotta keep you on your toes,” Jackson shot back.

“You do that more than enough,” Mark assured.

“Let’s make a promise to each other then,” Jackson suggested.

“What do you mean?”

“A promise to tell each other the truth, to stay honest and loyal. A promise of commitment. A promise to listen to each other, even if we’re angry. And um, uhh, I don’t really know where I’m going with this, so we can add to this later,” Jackson ended lamely.

“Okay, that much sounds good.” Mark laughed into Jackson’s shoulder, and the sound was so warm.

Jackson sighed, “I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

“Me too,” Mark agreed.

“So, are you saying that we both wanted the same thing this entire time?” Jackson laughed as the nerves washed away. He looked down at Mark, and he had never felt so giddy in his life.

“Must have,” Mark said softly, sweetly. Then he admitted, “This sounds bad, but I’m a little glad you can’t feel me right now. It’s embarrassing.”

Jackson understood what he meant. Mark wasn’t wishing illness upon him; he was treasuring his own privacy. Honestly, he would probably share Mark’s perspective if there were someone who could look into him so transparently. He didn’t hold it against him. In fact, he himself was also glad that his sense was gone simply for the chance to share moments like this with Mark.

“You don’t have to worry. I’m sure I feel exactly the same right now, even without my sense.”

“We’re idiots, aren’t we?” Mark broke. The accumulation of pressure finally collapsed all the bridges he had built to support himself. Now he can realize that he didn’t need them in the first place. He already had Jackson. “This entire time, I was so unsure of everything. I thought we had something, and then I thought we didn’t. Then we did again last night, and it was amazing… I don’t know. It was such a mess, and then with Felix and everything…”

“You don’t have to worry about Felix,” Jackson soothed.

“I really thought you had something with him,” Mark said. “With how I’ve seen you two sleep together, and then yesterday when you were treating his hand and helping him in the bathroom.”

“That was all just me looking out for him.”

“No, no, you don’t have to explain yourself to me. You told me you turned him down, and that’s all I need to know.”

“I was gonna tell you sooner. We were really tired last night. After everything. I guess some things were still off then, but… Oh, nothing really happened with your threat, huh?” It wasn’t actually a threat, but Jackson didn’t know how else to describe the delighted shiver that had run down his spine at Mark’s proposal for the events of the night. It was dangerous.

“My… what?”

Jackson nodded, lip bitten between his teeth because he had gotten shy. He shrugged to keep his words steady, “Last night, you said I wasn’t going to get a break.”

Mark hummed. “It was more of a joke.”

“You were upset when you said it,” Jackson noticed. 

“Little late for you to say.”

“Are you still upset?” Jackson ran his fingers through Mark’s bangs, pushing them back.

“It was from dealing with the others. Seeing them with you; seeing them judging me for being with you.”

“It’s okay now?”

“I’ll come to terms with it. Everything feels more secure now though, that’s for sure.”

“That’s good to hear.”

Mark pulled a smile and ruffled Jackson’s hair. His gaze softened as he continued to stare up at Jackson’s face, tracing his features with his eyes. Then he suddenly pulled Jackson down for a kiss. It was deep and open-mouthed. When they pulled back, it was mutual. They understood each other

“Let’s go,” Jackson said when he noticed dusk falling over the trees like a layer of black snow. “It’s getting late.”

Jackson pulled Mark up after his legs had gone numb and told him to avoid the clear patches in the grass where the frost had melted due to their activities. Mark led them back through the forest, recognizing the path that he had traveled three times already.

With the cold still fogging his breaths, Jackson had to ask.

“Does this mean that you’re my boyfriend now?”

“And you are mine,” Mark responded, roughly ruffling Jackson’s hair as they walked. 

“Promise me,” Jackson insisted, slowing to a stop, “everything I listed off earlier.”

Mark halted where he stood, he turned to face Jackson. His features were shadows, deepened by the tall trees behind him.

“Promise to the truth,” Mark said slowly, hooking his frozen pinky with Jackson’s. “To commitment.” Their knuckles lined up. “To each other.” Their thumbs pressed together, sealing the promise with a ‘kiss.’ 

When their eyes met again, they kissed for real. It was chaste and sweet. It was more loving than lustful, and that was the first time Mark had felt a kiss move his heart as such. Their parting physically tugged at his heartstrings, and Mark almost felt tears form in his eyes. He was just that happy.

The entire way back, they never stopped holding hands. Their fingers were locked tight enough that the numbness in Mark's frozen skin disappeared. The heaviness in his heart was replaced, as well, with a warmness that spread through his arteries like liquid gold melting down in his crucible of a body.

Jackson looked up at Mark dreamily as they stepped over the doorway. After they took off their wet jackets and hung them to dry, Jackson latched onto him immediately before they would have to face the others. He tucked his head under Mark’s chin and held on until the beating in his chest steadied. Only then did he let out a deep breath. 

“There’s just one thing I want to say,” Mark said quietly.

Already they could hear the bustle of everyone else in the next room over. No one had heard them enter through the front door, and the noise continued uninterrupted.

“What is it?”

“I don’t think I’m ready to tell other people yet,” Mark blurted out.

Jackson didn’t say anything, but he froze. 

“Is that… okay?” Mark asked, getting nervous in the quiet.

“Not even like—?”

“Okay, I don’t mind if you tell people like Jaebum maybe. You know, the people really close. Jaebum I know would keep a secret to the grave. Just… I’m not ready to have my parents find out yet, and they had a scary amount of informants at my old school. If like Bambam or Yugyeom let slip that this is happening to someone at Mayflower or even our current school, then—.”

“Wait, your parents knew you had orgies every day?!” Jackson shrilled.

Mark quickly hushed him, pulling him out from their embrace to slap a hand over his mouth. “Not that, and I definitely did _not_ have orgies every day. It’s just… when they needed to, they definitely had strings to pull. At our school too… I don’t particularly want to talk about this right now. I only wanted to let you know.”

“Okay,” Jackson nodded in solemn understanding, “my lips are sealed.”

“Let’s go to the others, okay?” Mark said, forcefully throwing off the darkness that settled over his mood before it would cement.

 

 

Jackson tried not to look _too_ giddy. He really did. That didn’t mean Jaebum didn’t notice the absence of the couple during dinner preparations, and that didn’t mean Bambam wasn’t going to go down his throat trying to figure out what happened, where they went, and what they talked about. And, of course, this all happened at the dinner table in the presence of Yugyeom and Felix as well. 

“You two were gone for a while,” Jaebum said over a mouthful of potatoes. The rest of them haven’t even sat down at the table yet, but Jaebum was already eating.

“Long enough for you two to…” Bambam smirked, letting the rest of the sentence hang off his tongue suggestively.

“Did you think you could skip out on helping with dinner?” Jaebum continued, ignoring the younger.

“Okay, okay,” Jackson relented to prevent further accusation. “We’ll do all the cleanup tonight, so the rest of you can start drinking early.”

“Oh, you really do treasure us,” Yugyeom said sarcastically.

“But the real question is what happened while you two were outside,” Bambam pressed.

“Nothing that you need to know,” Mark butted in, making it all look that much more suspicious.

Bambam hummed, leaning back with an exaggerated appraising look. He studied the two of them, sitting side by side. “Okay, well, just let me know if you need to borrow a condom.”

Felix choked.

“Bambam!” Jaebum cursed.

“Dude, we’re eating. I don’t want to think about Mark taking it up the ass with food in my mouth,” Yugyeom complained.

“Does that mean you wanna think about me when you _don’t_ have food in your mouth?” Mark teased dangerously.

Yugyeom only glared at him, taking a long drink from his glass. 

“You don’t even know that it’s Mark who’s taking it,” Jackson interjected, feeling some strange need to protect Mark’s honor.

Yugyeom groaned. “Oh, somehow that’s even worse.”

Bambam cackled over it all, enjoying all the details being spilled.

“How about you two then?” Jackson changed the focus of the conversation, betraying his friend. “How many condoms did you use last night, Bam?”

“What do you mean?” Bambam choked on his laughter.

“After you got so drunk that you needed Yugyeom to bring you to bed.”

Bambam’s cheeks flushed instantly. “N-none! What are you saying? I don’t even remember what happened last night.”

Jackson snorted. Bambam must’ve remembered something or at least had seen the damage of it the next morning by how red his face was.

“What’s the last thing you remember?” Mark pressed.

Bambam had to think about it, and you could see the physical gears shifting in his head as he tried to find an escape. 

“You leaving a hickey on Jackson’s chest,” he said finally. Then he grinned. “Wait, is it still there? Show! Show!”

“It’s not!” Jackson said, covering his chest before Bambam could try to pull up his shirt. He caught Mark’s eyes in the process. 

“Maybe we have to try again,” Mark whispered to him under Bambam’s whining. No one else had heard.

Jackson’s reaction at Mark was a look of playful surprise and timidity. It voiced how he wanted to lightly slap Mark’s arm and tell him to both be quiet and keep going all at the same time. Jackson on the outside, however, kept the physical interactions to a minimum. He merely drew his eyebrows together in a firm “we’ll discuss this later.”

Jaebum reigned in the chaos around the table, telling everyone to eat before the food went cold. The faster they ate, the faster they could begin the night.

 

 

After dinner, after clean up, Jackson wandered off to check on the others. Mark was being meticulous about how the plates were being arranged to dry and told Jackson he could leave. Jackson found the rest camped around the coffee table again, this time with mugs of hot chocolate in their grasps. Jackson knew what was in those mugs. He had seen them coming in and out of the kitchen, interrupting his private time with Mark.

Jaebum was off to the side, trying to start the fireplace. Yugyeom was bent over to help him. Felix was wrapped up in Bambam’s arms, cuddling close even though it wasn’t that cold. They were all plenty warm in their sweaters and socks. Jackson sat on the arm of the couch, socializing along with them cheerily. Mark brought out the material for s’mores, and they all gravitated to the fire with their metal sticks.

Mark wound up sitting on the couch with Jackson between his legs on the floor, a mug without alcohol in his hands. Although they were too far for conversation, they watched the fire together quietly. The rest were chattering on about something, but neither of them was listening. It was peaceful like this. Jackson thought he might go blind by staring at the flames so intently. However, his only regret would have been no longer being able to witness Mark’s beauty. The thought struck him so deeply that he had to turn his head up to make sure he could still see. Jackson rested his head on the couch seat, most likely right at Mark’s crotch. That did not matter though. Looking, sure enough, Mark was still there, staring down at him. The curve of his nose hooked dangerously in the firelight. His lips seemed to dance wildly with the shadows cast upon them. The fire was intoxicating. 

“We should open a window,” Jaebum suggested in the background when he realized the chimney wasn’t doing enough to ventilate the room. He staggered to his feet, unsteady after sitting for so long. 

Jackson opened his mouth to say something to Mark, but the scrape of the rusty window frame drowned him out. The immediate wind that blew in whisked away the heat of his thoughts. Jackson closed his mouth, content with just staring.

Nearby, Yugyeom was beginning to get belligerent, and Jackson felt Mark’s thighs tense around him. Eventually, to avoid conflict, Mark stood up and excused himself outside. Jackson leaned his head back against the unoccupied couch cushion, but it just wasn’t the same. 

It was sometime later that Jackson met Mark on the patio. It was dark outside, but there was enough light from the fire inside to illuminate their footing. In the freezing air, Jackson’s head seemed to clear from the mugginess of the warmth inside. He jumped up next to Mark on the railing. Their feet hung off the edge. Jackson rested his head on Mark’s shoulder as they stared out at the yard.

“Is anyone coming?” Mark asked, sitting up a little. The movement began to shift Jackson’s head off into a more platonic zone.

“I do this with everyone. Don’t worry. No one would suspect anything,” Jackson answered his unspoken question. “So, what are you doing out here?”

Mark hummed, but it was more staccato than normal. Jackson felt something drop in his gut. Jackson was about to ram headfirst through this wall that Mark was putting up when Mark abruptly slung an arm around Jackson’s shoulders. It was purposeful and firm; Mark didn't act without cause. Jackson relaxed then, contented by the fact that Mark didn’t want him to leave. Jackson twisted his neck a little and placed a discrete kiss against Mark’s pulse point. Jackson felt Mark shiver a little.

“It was getting stuffy inside,” Mark said, drinking from the mug he brought out. 

“You know they all definitely suspect something between us.”

“I’m not surprised. Bam was shipping us since last night.”

“He’s been shipping us since we all played basketball together that one time.”

“What?” Mark laughed. “Really? It’s been that long? But he was trying to hook you up with Felix.”

“It’s… complicated.”

“I still had a ‘girlfriend’ back then too.”

“Yeah, complicated. Bambam is a firm believer in love despite all circumstances. Even though all he’s been doing so far is hooking up with random guys.”

“That makes it sound like he’s been hung up over one guy that he can’t attain but also can’t let go of,” Mark analyzed.

Jackson sat up a little. “Maybe that’s it, huh.”

“That wasn’t supposed to mean anything,” Mark quickly brushed over. “Just a guess.”

“Then is that how you felt when you messed around?”

“No, no, I just… had nothing better to do, I guess.”

“And now you do?” Jackson smirked. 

“I’d say this is a pretty nice alternative,” Mark reached down to pinch Jackson’s ass. 

Jackson squealed but then continued talking as if nothing that occurred. “You’re very intuitive, you know, guessing these things when you hardly know Bam. Maybe Hani was rubbing off on you.” To this day, he still shuddered to think how quickly Hani read into his heart. 

“Don’t say that name here. I feel like you’re going to summon Yugyeom. A rather… drunk Yugyeom,” Mark noted, glancing into the living room to see Yugyeom doing strange dances with Bambam. 

“Ugh, they’re probably all gonna drink until they pass out tonight,” Jackson grumbled. “And we, the sober ones, are gonna be in charge of cleaning up the mess.”

“We could always go to bed early. So we won’t have to deal with any of their drunk drama.”

“Ooh, someone’s cold.”

Jackson heard Mark’s mug knock onto the wooden railing as it was set down. 

“Not cold.” The tone of Mark’s voice called Jackson’s attention. He stared up into Mark’s eyes. Mark’s hand was on his jaw, further directing Jackson to face him. “Maybe I just want you to myself for a night.”

Jackson nodded, eyes unfocusing due to how close their faces were. They seemed to only pull closer with each successive blink. Mark’s nose was cold when it hit Jackson’s cheek, and then they were kissing. It was just a gentle peck at first, but then Jackson let out a little sigh against Mark’s lips at the taste of sweet chocolate and that made Mark surge back for more. Jackson’s breath tickled over the cold surface of Mark’s lips, and it only served to remind him of how good Jackson’s lips felt warming him up. If that was any sane rationale for why they were kissing on the front patio of the cabin shared by four other people when they were trying to keep their relationship a secret.

Jackson held onto Mark’s thigh as they kissed. His touch was to keep him steady, as a base. Closing his eyes, Jackson shut out the world. He focused in on the sensations on his body and the feelings in his heart. He was getting so lost in his emotions, in the raw sensations, that the sudden jolt to his senses made his teeth accidentally clamp down onto Mark’s lip. Jackson let go almost immediately at Mark’s cry of pain, but his eyes shot toward the front door as he nearly fell off the railing. He made immediate eye contact with Felix, and then in the next second, the door was slammed shut. Jackson clutched at his chest, feeling over his beating heart. He felt residual panic at almost landing face first on the steps and Mark’s fingers digging into his bicep.

“Jackson? Who was that?” Mark was saying to him, but Jackson could only shake his head. His head felt fuzzy, and he couldn’t understand why.

“Ah, um,” Jackson’s brain was resetting. “Felix, I think. It was Felix.”

Mark hopped off the railing to pace the length of the front porch. Jackson was watching his feet, trying to piece his world back together. He was numb with fear. Still on high alert from getting caught, there was still more that begged his attention: Jackson had been able to _feel_ Felix. 

There had been a jolt of concentrated jealousy directed solely at him like a lightning bolt. It shone so brightly that Jackson could distinguish the facets of Felix’s personality like a stamp in a hot wax seal. The way that bolt traveled through the air was young and reckless, exactly the type of jealousy Jackson had felt before from him. However, this time it was worse. It was a pure, unadulterated jealousy. There were no walls, no glass to block it. Although Jackson had felt hints of how Felix felt for him at the formal, seeing Mark and Jackson kissing had brought something fresh out of the boy like a bleeding wound. And Jackson received it all like a star batter at Wrigley Field. It felt as if Felix had stepped into his skin for a moment, like Jackson was just a glove for Felix to wiggle the fingers.

It was unnerving to suddenly be able to feel again, but most of all it was terrifying because what if Mark found out. Jackson instinctively wanted to distance himself, as if that would somehow prevent Mark from seeing through him. However, Jackson had to stop and pause for a moment. He did his breathing exercises like muscle memory, and the fogginess in his head cleared. He carefully separated his own emotions from what he sensed externally, like sorting pebbles out from sand, until he realized that he was simply digging through a playground sandbox. He wasn’t sensing anything else. 

Jackson straightened up. He really wasn’t feeling anything. But then he was just confused. He was certain that he had, even if it was for that split second before Felix disappeared again. Was it just his imagination? What if he had heard Felix open the door, saw his shocked expression, and then pasted an emotion onto the boy before his own brain could process what it was doing.

“I’m sorry,” Mark said, catching Jackson’s attention.

“What, no.”

“I was the one that said I wanted to keep this a secret. I get that we probably shouldn’t do anything in plain sight like that. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“It isn’t that,” Jackson attested, shaking his head.

Mark hopped back onto the railing beside Jackson. This time, he was facing towards the house. They stared off in opposite directions.

“Then what is it? If it isn’t that Felix saw us.”

“ _I’m_ not the one who cares if people know about our relationship,” Jackson snapped, but then he saw Mark’s face fall. “Sorry. I just meant that it doesn’t matter to me that he saw. I won’t have any repercussions on my end so…”

“Then why do you have that look on your face?”

Could Jackson tell him? It wasn’t like his sense was back in full. He was carrying a bucket of water with holes in the sides of the pail. What if he was, in effect, trying to glue together a broken toy that needed screws and nails to hold its pieces? In his current state, he was trying to see colors out of a blindfold.

“It just scared me.” Jackson forfeited. As to why those reasons above meant that he could not tell Mark the truth, well, he could only admit to himself that he was a coward. “I didn’t expect him to suddenly be there, you know?”

“It scared you that bad?”

“Just surprised me, is all. I mean, I even… I bit you, didn’t I? Sorry about that too.”

Mark laughed, leaning more towards Jackson. “We need to stop apologizing to each other. I don’t care if you bite me on accident.”

“Oh, right. I forgot you were into that,” Jackson joked back half-heartedly. 

Then, for that instant, the blindfold lifted. Mark burned with a flare of embarrassed red, and Jackson flinched even before Mark casually slapped his arm. Jackson yelped. Then he froze up. He couldn’t deny that his ability was returning in bits and pieces. Perhaps he could only feel sudden intense rushes of emotion. However, how long would it take before he was fully recovered?

“For better or worse…” That was the statement that popped up in Jackson’s head, but he hadn’t realized that he said it aloud until Mark threw him a 

“What?”

Jackson crossed his arms over his chest to shield off the cold. He told himself over and over in his head that he could do it, but when it came time to open his mouth and do it, the words just failed. 

“We promised to be a hundred percent honest with each other, yeah?” he prompted instead. 

Mark was taken by surprise at the sudden topic change. “What? Yeah, our promise."

“What if I’m afraid that you would leave me as soon as I told you?”

Mark pursed his lips. Jackson saw how he turned in, becoming reflective. However, he was deaf to the subtle notes of his transition. He couldn’t read where Mark was trying to go in his head. Jackson couldn’t see the road ahead of them, and he grew scared of the dark.

“If you have that little faith in me, then you can wait however long until you’re ready to tell me. Or until you can _trust_ me again.”

Jackson scowled. He felt the words like a slap. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t about trust or distrust. Sitting together in the dark, he thought that he just couldn’t afford to lose Mark to something out of his control. Maybe it was a childish impulse. Maybe it was absurdly selfish. However, Jackson was new at this, and he really did not know what he could possibly do to mend the situation.

 

It wasn’t until later that he remembered that it wouldn’t matter if he were ready to share the truth or not. The effects of his ability were easy to see given certain contexts. If, for example, he were surrounded by intoxicated people, then he would get intoxicated by default. 

That’s how Jackson wound up clinging to the wall not three steps into the room. Unsuspectingly stepping into a room full of drunk people, the intoxication crashed into him like a train. Jackson hadn’t had time to brace himself for the effects; he had been out of practice for recovering, not that he had ever been especially good at it. 

Mark caught him as he fell, and he heard Jaebum shouting after him. Jackson tried to hold onto his own, but the room was spinning too fast. Everywhere he looked, he couldn’t keep in control of his body. He shut his eyes—the only solution to the nausea quickly arising. He had no memory of what happened after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, does anyone still remember this story? :p
> 
> I felt really anxious about this chapter. So maybe it makes sense that I'm just posting it randomly right now. My bad if there are some grammatical mistakes scattered about. I really haven't worked on expanding the story past the 4(?) chapters I've already written because my life has been so hectic. I hope to find more time to soon! >.<
> 
> Please tell me what you thought of this chapter!! :D


	17. First

Jackson was unconscious in Mark’s lap. His body was limp, falling out of Mark’s arms where he had attempted to catch the former. Both of them were on the ground, in the spotlight of the room. Mark could feel the cold air from outside suck out the warmth of the cabin through the open door.

“What happened?” Jaebum demanded, storming towards the two. His eyebrows were cross, and his face immediately became that of a stern father. He looked scary, but it was only because he cared. Jackson would’ve known that, but Mark didn’t.

“I don’t know what happened,” Mark shouted back. He was terrified for Jackson, but at the same time, Jaebum rubbed him the wrong way. “He was fine just a second ago. We were talking. Nothing was wrong.”

Experienced with Jackson, the answer rapidly dawned on Jaebum, and his demeanor changed. 

“Mark,” and his voice was dead serious. “Take Jackson to your room and shut the door. Make sure the door is completely closed.”

“Wh—?”

“You didn’t drink, right?”

“No, I—.”

“Good. Then don’t come out of that room until Jackson feels better. Stay with him, and don’t let anyone else in.”

 

Jackson woke up in Mark’s lap. At first, staring at a dark piece of cloth, he was utterly lost as to where he was. He turned onto his back and found Mark staring down at him.

“Morning, sleeping beauty.”

Jackson groaned, trying to get up, but Mark pushed him back down.

“Take it easy.”

Jackson looked to the door, but it was shut. There was no one else in the room. He tried to get up a second time. 

“’m fine,” Jackson slurred, knocking off Mark’s hands of warning. He sat up, closing his eyes to let the dizziness fade naturally.

“Are you drunk?” Mark asked. His fingers brushed against Jackson’s warm cheek. Jackson’s eyes flashed open at his cold touch.

“I didn’t drink,” Jackson insisted. He rubbed at where a pulsing ache was forming along his eyebrows.

“Even before you came out to see me?” Mark leaned in, and Jackson realized that Mark was _smelling_ him. “Hm, but I guess you don’t smell like alcohol.”

“I didn’t,” Jackson whined, getting embarrassed that Mark was sniffing him.

“It’s something else, isn’t it?” Mark studied his face, but it wasn’t a serious investigation. It was like he already knew the answer. “It’s not alcohol affecting you like this.”

“You already know, don’t you?” Jackson stared down at his hands. It scared him how fast he had dropped as soon as he felt the drunkenness of the room. It had come over him like a tsunami, drowning him before he could run to higher ground. He couldn’t control his own body for a second, and he was torn apart by the wave.

“You were really afraid that I was going to leave you for this?”

“It was just a passing thought. A worry,” Jackson tried to wave off. 

“Okay, well, I’m not going anywhere, so tell me. Full truth. When did it start?”

“I felt… what Felix felt when he saw us.”

“Is that it?”

“That was the first time, honest to god. And when we came back inside, I could feel the how drunk everyone was. It all combined into this big nasty sludge, and my body couldn’t take it. My sense… it isn’t back completely. Like, I can’t feel you right now, which is honestly scaring me a little. You look really intense.”

That made Mark sit back and readjust his expression. His lines softened, and Jackson tried to relax too. They both took a deep breath and a metaphorical step backwards.

“You really can’t tell what I’m feeling right now?”

Jackson shook his head, putting all of his efforts into looking as honest as possible. “I didn’t want to hide anything from you, Mark. You know I was trying to get the nerve to tell you as soon as I realized.”

Mark’s shoulders slumped, and Jackson saw the air expel from his lungs. “I know, Jacks.”

Jackson had felt a glimpse of Mark’s heart then. There was that hurriedly covered astonishment, layered with darkness to hide his emotions underneath. Yet, it all fled with Mark’s sigh. Some of that darkness lifted like black feathers blown away with the breeze of his breath.

“I’m happy for you,” Mark continued, but the words themselves came out dull to the ears.

“You aren’t really.” He couldn’t be. 

“I am. I’m glad you’re safe, that you’re healthy. This means that sleeping with me has been helping you. It just took me by surprise. Knowing that you have this… this gift, it makes me second guess what I’m feeling. The emotion comes out and then I feel like I gotta backtrack to make sure it doesn’t come off the wrong way, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jackson said, and he was comforted by the honesty in Mark’s voice. It was unusual to hear Mark talk that much, but Jackson could tell that that only meant that his words were carefully chosen, picked from his heart. “But you don’t have to self-censor. I’ve felt a lot of people over the years. I understand how it is.”

“I’m sure it’s different feeling your _boyfriend_ though. Lots of thoughts cross people’s minds just on the regular. I don’t wanna hurt you on accident.”

“It’s okay. I’ll learn to cope.” Jackson grinned at the fact that Mark was already calling himself his boyfriend.

“Okay, then I’ll learn to cope too. Just promise me that you’ll tell me when your sense is back in full. Then I can stop worrying about you.” 

“Yeah, promise. Even now though, I can’t say when it’s going to start working.”

“It’s okay. It’s all about coping, right? Hah. ‘Learning how to live with a special boyfriend,’ what a title. You think I could sell more magazines with that on the cover?”

“You can’t tell anyone!” Jackson reeled back in alarm. He couldn’t even take the joke.

“No, no, I’m just kidding,” Mark backtracked quickly. “My father would skewer me alive if he found out anyway.”

Jackson didn’t have to ask which part was more of a secret: the ‘special’ or the ‘boyfriend.’ He understood Mark’s family conditions, but it still irked him that they couldn’t just come out as a pair. Regardless, he didn’t want that to spoil the night.

“Maybe we should have mini therapy sessions,” Mark suggested. “Since you can’t go to a real doctor and all that.”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah, we can sit in a room together with like the blinds drawn or whatever they do. And then I’ll try to feel something really strong until you can pick up on it. You said that you felt me the strongest, right? So we’ll just start from there.”

Jackson nodded, grabbing for Mark’s hand. And if he had ever doubted that Mark wanted him safe and healthy and well, this just proved that Jackson had to push his past worries off a bridge and drown them before they could resurface.

“Wait!” Jackson sat up suddenly, startling Mark. “What time is it right now?”

Mark checked his phone. “Umm, 11:46.”

“Oh, thank god. Didn’t miss midnight,” Jackson sighed in relief.

“What’s so special about—oh,” Mark realized.

Jackson smirked and leaned in close. “I wonder who I’m going to get my New Year’s kiss from,” he whispered teasingly.

“No one in the room looks appealing?” Mark inquired. As if they weren’t the only ones here.

“There _is_ someone who caught my eye. Do you think he’d say yes?”

“I don’t know. You’d have to ask him yourself.”

Jackson picked up Mark’s hand and held him tight in his grip.

“Would you give me your year?” Jackson asked, his eyes solemn as they studied Mark. “Despite my problems.” _His ability._ “Despite your problems.” _His family._ “Despite our collective problems, would you?”

Mark’s lips parted, but he was a little speechless. His gaze flickered all over Jackson’s face, wavering between that and his hands. His mind was racing like a spaceship pumping fumes into the atmosphere. It was getting smoggy, and all he could really focus on was Jackson’s thumb rubbing circles along his knuckles. Mark was trying to judge how serious Jackson was being. If anything, he was a little terrified.

“Isn’t it a little soon?” Mark squeaked, sitting up to gain more clarity.

“But isn’t that what a New Year’s kiss is for?” Jackson tried to explain, covering up his proposal in simpler terms. “To ward away loneliness in the coming year?”

“I guess I never thought about it that deeply,” Mark licked his lips. 

Jackson’s hands on Mark loosened. He sighed. “That’s okay. I don’t mean to push you too far.” 

“It’s not that,” Mark grabbed on tighter, catching where Jackson was falling away. “I’ve really never thought about it at all. Never done it really either. This is just… setting the pace for the new year, right?”

“Okay, yeah, no guarantees. No fail-safe plan. Just, do you want it? Do you want me right now?”

“Definitely,” Mark answered easily.

Jackson’s eyes were sparkling. He could see the set determination in Mark’s words, the depths that Mark thought his message through. Through the murk of his recovering sense, Mark was practically radiating through. And his own waves were in perfect harmony. 

“Thank you,” Jackson said. His thumb rubbed over Mark’s knuckles. “I’m glad you’re still here.”

“I said I wasn’t gonna go anywhere.” 

“You did, huh?” Jackson murmured, still caught up in the daydream.

Mark checked his phone. “We still have a bit of time. Should we go see the others first? Tell them you’re okay?”

“Sure,” Jackson nodded.

Mark let Jackson cling onto his arm as they exited the room. Jackson claimed it was just as a precaution. Mark didn’t care if it was for anything more. 

As they drew near the living room, the volume peaked along with it. Bambam must have found the Bluetooth speaker that he had packed and promptly forgot about. The speaker was synced up to an internet radio station, blasting music throughout the house.

They all saw each other at the same time.

“Jackson!” Yugyeom shouted. 

“Are you okay?” Felix asked, climbing over a couch to get to him.

Meanwhile, Bambam was yelling something indistinguishable and running at him from where he had previously been playfully grinding up on Yugyeom. He barged through all of them to sling his lanky body onto Jackson’s shoulders.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good now,” Jackson said, ruffling Bambam’s hair. 

“We were so worried,” Bambam cried, nearly choking him with his bony arms around his neck.

“Where did Jaebum go?” Jackson asked, scanning the room for the missing sixth member.

“Said he had to go FaceTime someone,” Yugyeom answered. 

“At midnight on New Year’s Eve. That’s hella sus,” Bambam attested, standing on his own two feet instead of hanging off of Jackson’s neck.

Jackson knew it had to be Jinyoung, but he wasn’t about to rat out the elder. “Then he just left? Did you guys stop everything?” 

“Jaebum was being a buzzkill, saying that we should cut the drinks after you came in like that. So now this is a dry dance party. I was worried about you, so I didn’t really push it, but… now that you’re here again.” Bambam ran towards the kitchen. “What do you want? A rum and coke?”

But Jackson could sense that the atmosphere was awkward with him there.

“Nah, I’m fine. Gonna call it a night soon. Just wanted to come out here and let you all know I’m good now.”

“Just one minute until midnight—until the new year!” the radio announcer declared as the bass dropped down to a steady beat, revving up for the next remixed song.

“Okay, good night then,” Bambam kissed Jackson’s check. “Be well.”

“Yeah, will do,” Jackson pressed their foreheads together. Then he turned to the other two looking on. “Night, guys!”

They replied, not saying much of anything else. With the timing, it was obvious what the two were planning. Jackson pulled Mark back down the hall with him, and the rest of the story didn’t have to be told.

“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Jackson said as he dissolved through Mark’s bubble and into his personal space. He had noticed how Mark tended to stand off to the side whenever Jackson interacted like that with the guys. 

Mark’s hand dropped from Jackson’s forearm to his hand. “Don’t worry about it.”

The energy in the room behind them peaked fairly soon after they left the premises. Jackson was glad that he hadn’t totally barged into whatever fun they were having previously.

“Ten!” came the radio DJ’s ecstatic shout. 

Jackson’s eyes shot to Mark’s, and they both bolted to their shared bedroom door.

“Nine!” the trio behind them shouted. It echoed along the hall.

The two made it through the door, barely slamming it shut quietly.

“Eight!”

Jackson’s heart was pounding in his chest, and he felt the vibrations in the air around Mark. He knew Mark was the same. The high energy was creating a feedback loop, sending his thoughts into overdrive. The oxygen between them was ready to combust.

“Seven!” came the muffled shout through the door.

Mark placed his palm over Jackson’s heart as if he had that same sense. He closed his eyes just to feel the strong pulsing beat resonate through Jackson’s chest. Da-dum, da-dum, da-

“Six!”

They both leaned against the closed door, staring at each other. Mark smiled back at him like he couldn’t help himself.

“Five!”

Jackson exhaled once, and he thought that he must have forgotten to breathe from then on.

“Four!”

They leaned in, frozen on the suspense of the last of the countdown. 

“Three! Two! One!”

They met each other in the middle, kissing to the strike of the metaphorical clock. There were cheers in the other room, but the excitement only bled into the rush of blood under Jackson’s skin. Mark’s lips were soft against him, and Jackson began to really feel the change in the friction between them. 

After the rush of hormones, there was pure warmth underneath. It wasn’t dangerous; it didn’t burn between them. It wasn’t the wildfire that Jackson was so afraid of—it was sunlight. It bathed over their connection, bringing life and joy. It was steady as the day, and right then it felt like summer in the middle of winter. 

They pulled back simultaneously, and Jackson was feeling a little light headed. His mind was spinning with the accumulation of all of Mark’s emotions and his desires. There were words on his tongue that refused to come out. If they did, he didn’t know what would happen.

“Thank you,” Jackson said because that was all he could manage, “for everything.”

“Why are you thanking me?” Mark blushed.

“I don’t know,” Jackson answered truthfully. “It just felt right.”

 

 

They fell asleep safely in each other’s arms that night like it was the first time. And it really was. All the other times that they shared a bed, there had been the barrier of ‘friendship.’ Even though they cuddled, there was still an unspoken gap like a rule that their balls couldn’t touch—otherwise, that would be _gay_.

For the first time in weeks, Jackson fell asleep and he didn’t wake up until morning. There was no restlessness, no waking up every few hours and being unable to fall back asleep. Even though they had unconsciously rolled away from each other in the middle of the night because it was getting too hot, they still had their hands on each other. In a sense, it looked like they were trying to make sure the other wasn’t going anywhere. On the other hand, they really couldn’t let each other go for a second. 

It was that feeling of a new relationship. Jackson had felt it with past girlfriends. It was always nice to get that shy kiss after a date or the soft hug of greeting. Mark likewise knew what it was like to catch the eyes of the girl he liked a few years back. There was the rush of adrenaline at seeing each other that manifested as sweaty palms and erratic heart rates. That’s how Jackson felt when he woke up to find Mark already looking at him. Mark’s eyes were subtly lidded, heavy with sleep. He must have just woken up too. Jackson smiled unconsciously, sliding back in closer to Mark’s body. 

His hand trailed up Mark’s chest, resting over his heart. He placed his head over Mark’s arm so that Mark’s bicep could slide in under his neck. He closed his eyes, relaxing in the feeling of Mark’s breaths fanning over his forehead. 

“I wish we could stay like this forever,” Mark said softly. He was touching Jackson’s face, smoothing his thumb over his cheekbones, caressing the shape of his lips. It was as if he was touching Jackson just to make sure that he was real, that he was really sharing a bed with him in this moment.

Jackson hummed in response. For whatever reason, it didn’t feel like a time to talk. He lay on Mark, watching his chest rise and fall with his shallow breaths. His fingers moved down Mark’s torso, tracing idle patterns along his ribcage. Mark tensed from time to time when it especially tickled, and Jackson saw the beginning lines of Mark’s abs form under his skin. 

“You should work out with me!” Jackson said, breaking their silence. 

“What?”

“Let’s go to the gym. I can teach you how to lift. I’m in that class in school.”

“The dumb jock class?” Mark joked, and Jackson knew he didn’t mean it. “It’s not like I don’t know how. I watch YouTube videos from time to time.”

“Come on, form is really important. This can be our couple activity.”

Mark snorted on instinct before realizing Jackson’s implications. Then he blushed. That’s right. They were a couple. They were officially together. After all of this time, finally.

“Okay, couple activity,” Mark relented.

“Yes!” Jackson cheered. “I’m going to make you _so_ fit.”

“Aren’t you afraid someone’s gonna come snatch me up then?” Mark teased, drawing a line down Jackson’s nose then tapping the tip.

“Guess I’ll just have to lay my claim on you,” Jackson flashed his teeth, showing off what he could do.

“Let’s get up,” Mark said. “I’d like to brush my teeth before I kiss you.”

They brushed their teeth, sharing a sink. Soon the toothbrushes dissolved to tongues, and they were making out with mint on their breaths. Mark pushed Jackson onto the bathroom counter and settled his hips in between his legs. They ground against each other as they sucked at each other’s lips. Jackson really did lay his claim, biting into the softness of Mark’s neck until a small red mark appeared on the surface of his skin. Mark was moaning softly, his fingers bunched into the fabric of Jackson’s boxers as the friction affected him more than usual. However, they had to leave for breakfast before they could really get anywhere.

 

After they ate, they were tasked with cleaning and loading everything back into the car to leave. Mark took both their bags effortlessly, and Jackson watched on, gooey-eyed. He got to refreshing the linens and making sure everything was wiped down and tidy. When he was done, he wandered out of the bedroom. He wondered why Mark hadn’t come back yet, and then he realized that he didn’t know where anyone was. He wandered the house and heard rustling in one of the rooms. He peeked into Bambam, Yugyeom, and Felix’s room, but only found one person there.

“Hi,” Jackson said.

“Hey,” Felix said, turning in surprise at his voice. Then he blushed, and Jackson tried not to think whether that was due to shock or embarrassment.

“Where are the others?”

Felix went back to stuffing his belongings into a duffle. “Outside, I think, dealing with the cars. It snowed last night so.”

“Ah,” Jackson leaned against the doorframe. 

“Um, what’s happening with them? Bambam and Yugyeom? They’re always in the other bed together, but… they aren’t always sleeping.”

“What were they…?”

“Pashing,” Felix cringed.

“What?”

“Uh, making out.”

“Oh, that…” Jackson didn’t know what to say. He was aware that this kind of stuff happened between them, just as friends, but he wasn’t going to intervene. While they were drunk, they were just going to do whatever they wanted anyway.

“I thought Yugyeom was straight. He always claims he likes that one girl—Hani?”

Jackson shrugged. “Sexuality isn’t always definite. Bambam’s more… seductive than he realizes. Since they both basically never stopped drinking this weekend, well…”

“You think so?” Felix asked abruptly, accusatorially.

“Bam? I mean, yeah, but it’s not like I’ve ever thought about him that way. He’s like a little brother to me. I just worry about him, you know?”

“Oh,” Felix said, confronted with their age difference yet again.

“So, um how are you? Hungover?”

“Nah, I think my tolerance got better over the weekend.”

Jackson let out a laugh in surprise. “I’m not sure whether that’s a good or a bad thing. You better let your liver recover when you get back, okay? Promise me that.”

Felix hummed then stopped what he was doing. He turned around to make eye contact. “Jackson, I promise,” he dragged out his vowels to be cute. 

Jackson giggled, “Good boy.”

“But really, I’m fine.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Jackson allowed. He felt guilty knowing that Felix wasn’t fine. Under the cover of this morning daze, there was the blue-tinged longing of unrequited love. It wasn’t strong enough to make Jackson’s heart ache in tandem, but it was present enough that he could sense it.

“But Jackson… I’ve heard other people talk about this a lot, and I’m no expert at relationships but…”

“What do you want to say?”

“If Mark left his girlfriend so easily for you, how do you know it won’t happen again?”

Jackson bit his tongue at admitting to the truth. It was for him to know that Hani and Mark’s relationship wasn’t real. 

“It’s about trust,” he said instead. It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t totally true either. If their relationship had been real, then Jackson would most definitely have his doubts. In the end, however, he could feel what Mark felt. It was a blessing and a curse. He’d forever be too aware of whether Mark’s affections shifted or not. 

 

Within the next hour, they all said their goodbyes and split into two cars. Jackson sat in the back with Mark at his side, in the same positions as when they drove up to the cabin. On the way out of the rocky mountainous area onto the empty interstate, Jackson looped hands with Mark. Mark fell asleep at some point, and his head dropped onto Jackson’s shoulder.

They stopped at Mark’s house first. 

“When will I get to have you to myself again?” Mark whispered to Jackson as they turned onto his street. Their hands were still linked, and Mark was sad to let go.

Jackson didn’t have an answer, but he mentally promised soon. 

 

 

The rest of Jackson’s week, however, was busy with practice. Their coach had organized training over the last half of their break to prepare them for when the season would pick back up with the school year. After the past week of rest and unhealthy eating, the following days were relentless, and Jackson could feel the weight he picked up as he jogged. 

This brutality wasn’t without cause, however. They had already made it so far in their games that it would be a shame to lose now. Jackson and Jaebum returned home sweaty and exhausted every evening. It was a miracle that neither caught a cold in the freezing weather.

Jackson would text Mark whenever he could during breaks. However, he was always too spent when he got home to initiate any contact in real life. That was probably what left him feeling worse off than just the strain on his body. Their gym workouts were indefinitely postponed, and Jackson just felt like a shitty boyfriend. 

The next Monday was the start of school, so their coach let them off early Sunday so that they could rest up and prepare for classes. That, and because it was Jaebum’s birthday. Jackson had prepared in advance to get Jaebum a small cake so that it was still barely within their diet. He brought it out from the back with the others, singing loudly. By the end they all cheered, as rowdy as ever. Jaebum blew out his single candle.

Jackson collapsed onto the waxed floors of the basketball court. He was exhausted after a week of back to back practice. When he opened his eyes again, Jaebum was hovering over him.

“Get your ass up so that I can drive you back,” he said gruffly, but there was a smile on his face.

“Don’t tell me you’re gonna go see Jinyoung right after this,” Jackson teased, getting to his feet. “Are you getting a special birthday treat?”

“I’m not saying anything,” Jaebum elbowed Jackson’s ribs. However, a flare of red from Jaebum’s direction had Jackson’s cheeks flushing.

“I guess you’re finally gonna become an adult today,” Jackson muttered. 

They changed out and rinsed the sweat from their bodies. Jackson had sent a text to Mark before he got into the showers, asking if he was free. 

[1:14] Mark Tuan: Yeah, why?

Jackson answered the text as soon as he was out of the shower. He didn’t even care that water from his bangs was dripping onto his phone screen. 

[1:18] Jackson Wang: let’s go on a date! i’ll pick you up at 3~  
[1:19] Mark Tuan: What are we gonna do  
[1:19] Jackson Wang: smthg simple! dinner and a movie <33

Jackson was glad that Mark was free today, despite how he had essentially left him hanging all week. It gave Jackson the hope that they would be able to pick up right where they left off that last Monday. Though it was hardly a full week since Jackson was able to see Mark, he was dying. He had attempted to snap Mark in order to pry out a selfie, but Mark resolutely only sent shots of his desk or whatever he was around. Jackson was determined to take a selfie together just so he had something to look at when he missed Mark too much. 

However, Jackson’s stomach was churning with doubt. His anxiety bred a beast inside him, tearing through his cities of lights, crushing all of his hopes beneath its taloned feet. What if Mark had done too much thinking on his own and realized that he didn’t need Jackson? What if Mark forgot about him? What if Mark realized that he really couldn’t deal with Jackson’s sense anymore?

Jackson’s ability was like a baby learning to walk. He teetered and tottered, and sometimes he ran a couple steps excitedly only to fall on his face. And it was an unpredictable baby. It would pop up in bursts and take Jackson completely by surprise. Like that, it was even harder to control. Jackson had no say over when it was going go haywire and blast him with the emotions of twenty strung out teenagers in the middle of practice. Mishaps like that had made him fumble more times than he would like. His coach wasn’t too pleased, either.

“What are you thinking about?” Jaebum pulled him back into the present, where they were sitting in his car on the drive back.

“It’s all so fucked up,” Jackson sighed, getting off his phone.

“That Mark won’t let you guys be public?” Jaebum asked, taking a shot in the dark. He was concentrated on the road, splitting his attention between Jackson and making sure they made it home alive.

“Not that,” Jackson whined. “You know, I heard Yugyeom and Hani got together.”

“I wouldn’t know. Yugyeom doesn’t tell me about his life like that. We only really talk about dance.”

“Yeah, but, _Bambam_.”

“Bambam? How’s he doing?”

“I don’t know,” Jackson pouted. “He isn’t really talking about it either. I just wish Yugyeom could realize he’s probably bi for Bambam, and then everything would work out like they do in the fairytales.”

“You think they’re good for each other?”

“I mean, look at them! They’ve been best friends forever. They know each other so well.”

“ _Too_ well,” Jaebum corrected. “You can’t always date your best friend. Think about it. If that were the case, then you and I would be married by next weekend.”

Jackson cringed extraordinarily. “Ew, you’re right.”

“You don’t have to make _that_ kind of a face! Shit, and on my birthday too.”

“You’re right,” Jackson quickly cleared his face. “As your birthday gift… would you marry me?”

“Fuck off. Go regift that to Mark.”

Jackson chuckled, but he got to thinking about what Jaebum had said. It wasn’t Jackson’s place to be their matchmaker.

 

Jackson got home, and all of his thoughts crowded around how he was about to take Mark on their _first_ date. After five days of being unable to see or talk to each other, Jackson thought this would be the perfect romantic solution to the end of his ‘Mark fast,’ of sorts. Realistically, it was probably better this way. After spending so much time together, it was good to take a step aside and breathe. Granted, that wasn’t how Jackson liked to do things. He always rushed in and threw out all of his efforts to attain the goal he set for himself. Currently, he missed seeing Mark like nothing else. However, relationships revolved around time. Whether Jackson liked it or not, his own schedule forced this chastity belt onto him, training him on how to be patient.

Jackson begged his parents to let him borrow the family car. When his mother had raised an eyebrow, asking why, he said it was to take Mark out for a date. That made her more than ecstatic, and she agreed immediately. She even handed Jackson the keys to her treasure, saying to be careful, to be safe. If Mark forced him into anything, he knew he could say no. Also, lastly, not to do any funny business in her car because she would find out, one way or the other. Jackson nodded furiously. Then she near shoved him out the door in her excitement.

It was ten minutes to three when Jackson pulled into Mark’s neighborhood. He stopped in front of Mark’s house, tapping at his steering wheel. He waited for a minute or two, wondering if he should barge into Mark’s house early or wait until the clock actually hit the correct hour. Finally, he decided that texting Mark that he was outside would be the safest bet. If Mark was ready, then Jackson was there. If he wasn’t, then he could come out at his own time.

Yet, not a minute after Jackson sent the text, the front door opened. Mark stepped out in a loose, flowy button down over dark jeans. Jackson’s breath caught as he saw how the sun caught in his brown hair. He was beautiful, stunning, outlandishly gorgeous—everything. And Jackson was horribly underdressed. 

“Why do you look so good?” Jackson whined once Mark got into the passenger seat. “It’s unfair.”

“Hello to you too,” Mark responded. He leaned over the gearshift to give Jackson a quick peck on the cheek. When he saw Jackson’s stunned face, he giggled. “Come on, just drive.”

So Jackson did a little happy jig and started up the car. He took them to the theater without crashing or near-crashing once. While they were standing in line at the ticket booth outside the doors, Mark idly observed the people around him. 

“This movie you picked… it’s supposed to be good?” Mark asked, noticing that no one in line before them had bought tickets for it.

“It’s like all action, a little plot. The whole monster truck, big guns, and hot girls type of movie.”

“Oh, so Mad Max-esque? I didn’t think you’d like movies like that.”

“I… do, but I thought you would more. Thought it’d be a good compromise from horror movies.”

Mark laughed. “Yeah, don’t want to go through that experience again.”

Mark’s eyes caught a familiar figure standing against the sun. Looking closer, he realized it was Hani. Then he saw that Yugyeom was running up to her with a dumb smile on his face.

“Oh my god, hide,” Mark said, ducking behind Jackson.

“How can I hide if you’re using me to hide?” Jackson cried out against Mark’s logic. 

But Mark didn’t pay him any mind. He peeked out at the pair from behind Jackson’s shoulder. Jackson tried to turn around to see, but Mark held him by the jaw. Only once he saw them enter the movie theater holding hands did he straighten up. 

“What happened?” Jackson asked impatiently. 

“Yugyeom and Hani are here.”

“Oh, really? Do you think they’re gonna watch the same movie as us? …Wait, is it a date?!” Jackson exclaimed belatedly. 

“They were holding hands,” Mark noted quietly.

“Ah, damn it. It’s true.”

“You knew about this? Shit. No one tells me anything.”

“I heard about it just recently. It’s not like—.”

“Jackson,” Mark pushed him forward in line. “It’s our turn.”

Jackson caught the eye of the cute attendant working the ticket booth. She was all smiles when she saw the two handsome boys approach her, even though they had just made her wait longer than necessary. Jackson ordered the tickets. When Mark tried to pay for his ticket, Jackson butted in, saying that he was the one who asked for the date so he was paying. Mark noticed the girl behind the glass duck her head as if to hide her expression. Mark, a little smug that he got to say that Jackson was his in this simple manner, agreed.

They entered the theater, and Mark had completely forgotten that he was supposed to be hiding from a certain couple. He offered to buy the popcorn at least, but Jackson still refused. So Mark stood out of the way as Jackson waited for an available register. 

“Mark?” a female voice called.

Mark froze like any guy would when they were called out by an ex while on a date with the new one. Although Hani was less of an ex and more of someone he used to fuck, it still felt like there were cold fingers pinching down his spine when her voice reached his ears. He turned around slowly enough to gather a presentable smile on his face.

“Hey, it’s a surprise to see you here.” 

Mark looked between the couple, from the hands held tight to Yugyeom’s uncomfortable grimace. 

“I see you asked Hani like I told you to,” Mark commented to Yugyeom, referring to what he had whispered to Yugyeom that night.

Yugyeom clicked his tongue but didn’t say anything. It hurt his pride a little to see Mark here again. Even he had to admit that the elder looked _good_ today. Yugyeom unconsciously stepped forward a little as if shielding Hani from his visuals.

“Ask me what?” Hani asked innocently, clinging onto Yugyeom’s arm. 

“Just… ask you out, essentially.” 

“Ahh,” Hani squealed. “Mark, you’re getting sly.”

Nodding slightly, Mark crossed his arms over his chest. He was getting restless with the way that Yugyeom was eyeing him. He also had not failed to notice how Hani’s voice had risen two octaves since he had last seen her. But they were infatuated, so he let that be. There was just one thing that Mark knew had to be set straight.

“I still only tell the truth,” Mark said. Though his tone was nonchalant, his gaze on Hani was hard. Hani caught the look, and her smile went crooked. 

“You wouldn’t ever say anything unnecessary though, right?” Hani asked cutely, pretending they were still talking about Mark’s newfound “slyness.”

“I know to stay in my lane, don’t worry.”

Mark could see the tension rise as Yugyeom tried to piece together what was going on. Mark kept his feet rooted in the ground even though he wanted to turn tail and run back to his peaceful world with Jackson where they could laugh and run in circles and do whatever else dumb shit Jackson said.

It was at that moment that an arm fell onto his shoulders. 

“Yo, Gyeommie. Hani, hi,” Jackson said cheerily. He transferred the bag of popcorn into Mark’s arms. “Sorry to interrupt, but we gotta go catch our movie. See ya!”

At that, Jackson skillfully maneuvered them out of the situation and far away.

“Did you feel that?” Mark asked, munching on the popcorn that was now in front of his face.

“Feel what? You?” 

“Mm,” Mark nodded over a mouth full of kernels.

“Nah, it just seemed really awkward. Not to mention, I do want to watch the trailers before the movie starts.”

Mark was taken aback. Did Jackson not even need his sense to understand him? However, perhaps the situation itself was a little obvious. Anyone could have guessed that Mark was uncomfortable. Nonetheless, he couldn’t help but be touched. He linked his free, unbuttered hand with Jackson’s as they traversed down the rest of the hallway to their screening room.

Ignorant of what was going on in Mark’s head, Jackson only felt the sudden touch against his palm and he lit up. How often was it that Mark initiated such intimate contact? The answer is rarely.

Turns out they had nothing to worry about. The lights were still on in the theater while they walked in. Plus, most of the seats were vacant. There was a group of loud high school guys in the front row and a few adults scattered about. Mark chose seats in the back, behind them all. Jackson got comfortable real fast. Safely out of eyesight, he rested his head on Mark’s shoulder and looped his arm through Mark’s. Mark slumped down a bit, making sure his shoulder wouldn’t be too bony for Jackson. 

Jackson would occasionally feed Mark popcorn as if Mark didn’t have two working hands to do it himself. But it was cute. At one point, Mark felt it was time to pay Jackson back, just to tease him. He grabbed Jackson’s wrist after he had stolen the piece of popcorn with his tongue. Jackson was surprised at Mark’s reflexes, but then Mark’s tongue was on his fingertips. Lifting his head off of Mark’s shoulder, Jackson watched with wide eyes as Mark swirled his tongue around and between each finger. Mark was sucking up the salt and butter that coated his skin like a meal. He was moving his lips, and it was fucking sensual. And all of this was happening in the middle of the theater with the lights on. Jackson’s pulse was racing with how exposed they were while doing something so dirty. Finally, Mark pulled off with an audibly loud wet pop, and Jackson was sure that someone must have heard. Thankfully, no one turned to look at them.

“You’re so mean,” Jackson lightly punched Mark’s arm, red up to his ears.

“Don’t get too excited. We still have a two-hour movie to sit through,” Mark whispered to him, and then he cackled in his laugh that was too adorable for how secretly evil he was. 

Messing with Jackson like that had helped Mark relax. Although he would still occasionally check the two theater doors to see if Hani and Yugyeom were going to come strolling in, he soon began to realize that wasn’t going to happen. This was such a quote ‘guys’ movie that there weren’t any young couples at all.

And it lived up to the hype. When the movie started, they were plunged into darkness. There was the rev of a gravelly engine, and the audience emerged into the dusty desert sunshine along with the vehicle on screen. The rest of the film was fast paced. Other than the dragging dialogue scenes between the good guys and the bad guys, the fight scenes were bloody, the car races were intense, and the bass on the soundtrack was loud. 

When they left the movie, Jackson was incessantly raving about one scene or the next. How did that actor contort his body like that? Dude, that fight was insane. Oh my god, and when he was flung out of the car like that. He clung onto Mark’s arm, talking animatedly as they left the theater. Mark just laughed along, excited at seeing Jackson so happy. 

Walking through the familiar carpeted hallways, he recalled his premonition of seeing Jackson with someone else coming out of the movie theater. It was just a dream during his nap after basketball with Bambam and Yugyeom, but it was poignant. Stuck orbiting the imaginary couple, Mark was less than a third wheel. He was lost; he couldn’t even connect to the metaphorical vehicle. Because of that, he used to think that he didn’t want to lose Jackson as a friend. Now, he could see that wasn’t the reason why he wanted Jackson all for himself.

Once they were safely hidden within the confines of Jackson’s mother’s car, Mark stole a kiss from Jackson’s lips. All of the emotion accumulating in Mark’s chest like a sickness made the kiss particularly electric. 

The rest of the date was fairly traditional. Jackson took Mark to dinner at a local Italian place. Mark stole sausages from Jackson’s pasta, and Jackson pretended to be upset when he really wasn’t. They laughed over stupid stories, and they didn’t care about how loud they were in the small establishment. Jackson loved how Mark glowed in his company, and Mark loved how Jackson couldn’t keep his eyes off of him. 

Back in the car, Jackson had his hand on Mark’s thigh because he wasn’t ready to go home quite yet. 

“This has been a very normal date for someone of your disposition,” Mark commented.

“What do you mean?”

“Uh, Mr. Star Basketballer, every girl wants you. And I know this wasn’t your first time.”

Jackson turned on the engine. “Then let me take you somewhere.”

They drove out of the suburbs. It was late into the night so traffic wasn’t too bad for once. Mark watched the signs as they crossed through different city borders. Suddenly the neon lights beyond the highway bridge became more sparse. Under their silence was the incessant beat of the rap station on low. They pulled off the highway and continued down the street for a few more miles until the lights completely disappeared.

“We’re here,” Jackson said, pulling into a dip off the main road. It was a scenic point, and Jackson parked the car. He got out, and Mark followed suit.

“I used to live around here so I knew about this place,” Jackson explained.

Mark looked around. His eyes were just barely adjusted to the dark, but all he could see were sand and rocks. He knew they had gone inland toward the desert, but what was to see here? Don’t people normally go to the coast to see the ocean?

“Come on,” Jackson said from a few steps ahead. He had jumped over the railing and was waiting for him.

Mark jumped over and landed nimbly in the rocks. Jackson held out his hand for Mark to hold it. There was likely no one around for a mile radius, so Mark had nothing to be hesitant about. He held onto Jackson’s hand tight and let the younger lead him down an invisible trail that only he could see. 

“There used to be a canal that ran through here,” Jackson pointed to an empty ditch just ahead of them. Then he started down the steep incline.

“We’re going down there?” Mark exclaimed.

“Why? Are you scared?” Jackson teased.

“I mean, are there snakes or coyotes or something?”

“This whole area is fenced off. So maybe snakes, some rats, insects. No big animals though.”

Mark nodded tentatively. He was still a city boy, even if he was a slut for horror movies and extreme sports. 

At the bottom of the drop was a cement path. They took this pavement to the end of the canal where it opened up to a giant wash. There, the sidewalk simply dropped out after a few scraggly bushes and rocks. Beneath was a valley of sand lit up by the waxing moon overhead. Mark’s eyes drifted upwards and he gasped. The sky was a massive dome of stars. There were constellations that he had never seen in his life hanging over his head. He lived in the city. When he traveled, it was to another big city. His suburban neighborhood was constantly alit with garage lights and porch lights. No one wanted to live in the dark. The times that he tried to admire the nature overhead taught him the Big Dipper, the Little Dipper, Orion’s Belt, the easy stuff. Yet there were so many more stars sprinkled even among the known constellations. The sky seemed to be this giant orgy of lights, and Mark’s breath was stolen.

Jackson squeezed Mark’s hand, bringing him back down to earth. 

“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” Jackson spoke. “I used to come here when I couldn’t take other people’s feelings anymore. I just had to get somewhere far enough that I couldn’t feel anyone but myself. Being without my sense now kind of reminds me of when I came here back then. I’m terrified that I’m going to freak out once it’s back in full and I can’t control it as well anymore.”

“I’ll take care of you. We can go somewhere alone so that you only feel me. Or I’ll block out everyone else for you—if that’s how it works. I don’t really know.”

Jackson nodded. “That’s definitely helped in the past.” Then he laughed. “Sorry for using you without you knowing.”

“Apology accepted,” Mark grinned. It made him feel special to know that he could help Jackson in this way. He leaned his head against Jackson’s as they both stared out into the vast nothingness before them. At the same time, it was everything.

“Since I’ll be busy during the week, let’s block out time during the weekend for our therapy sessions and gym time,” Jackson suggested. He was smiling to himself because saying the words aloud made them sound like soccer moms with a free weekend from their children.

“I’m good whenever,” Mark answered. 

It did bother him that he felt like he had no life outside of Jackson, but what could he do about it? He had lost who he thought were his closest friends when they turned their backs on him. Once he changed schools, he had pretty much given up on trusting other people. 

Sure, he reached out to Youngjae first because he caught him playing Overwatch in the school library, which was definitely forbidden. After Youngjae taught him out to get past the firewall, they exchanged users easily and they were on good terms since. But it was a thousand times harder with anyone else. Jackson was the one who really got him out of his slump and back into the people world. 

Mark looked up to the stars. As he held the cross necklace he always wore around his neck, he made a vow to himself to try harder in this next year. 

When Jackson tried asking what he was doing, he simply shook his head. He wasn’t quite ready to share those kinds of embarrassing insecurities. Jackson already knew his story at Mayflower. This much was just him trying to change himself into a better person because of Jackson. It was really too cheesy to be put into physical words. 

They ended the date with Jackson dropping Mark off in front of his dark house. All the lights were off, and Jackson half wanted to invite Mark back to his. However, that would go against his mental promise to take things slow. So he sent Mark off with a kiss, and let things be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy new year's!
> 
> i hope you got a special kiss~ even with your pet or your plant or your parents - that’s all alright!
> 
> it’s almost jaebum’s birthday, so at least the timing of this chapter is kind of sorta on point?? finally haha except i’m definitely gonna lose to the pace of this story in the following months…. -.-“ sorry. i was really hoping to post jackson’s bday scene _on_ his bday, but this story is just getting out of hand. i forgot how many events had to happen between now and the end of march! (like school and spring break?!)
> 
> anywayy they had their first cuddle in bed and their first date! i'm afraid the “drive out of the city and see the stars” thing is a little cliched, but hey. jackson has his own reasons for needing the escape like that. it’s almost a parallel of mark showing jackson the little clearing he found in the forest :p


End file.
